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Original poster

Am I being taken for a mug?

46 replies

WinterIsHere1990 · 06/07/2023 09:53

I think I already know the answer because I'm asking the question but need validation or confirmation i think 🤔

Been with BF for 10 months and just lately I feel like I've taken over the role of being his mother/chef!

We don't live together (I don't wish to ever live with someone ever again 😂) but feel like every hour after work is spent at mine. We see each other most nights and those nights are nearly always spent at mine unless I have something on. It's very rare that he cooks.. probably once a month but if so he cooks it and brings it to my house! 😤

I think i have a bee in my bonnet because

1: I quite like my own space and i'm kicking myself for not putting some house boundaries in at the start so I've made a rod for my own back 🙄

2: It's costing me money to obviously buy food and cook it almost every night, using my utilities.

He lives alone and I do visit but with his job it means he doesnt get finished until about 7.30pm and by then I'll have already made tea and there is enough and he just presumes there will be tea for him.

I can't decipher if I'm being crabby or if i'm being taken for a mug 🤔

Thoughts? PS. Sorry for such a long ranty post - I have definitely just vented 😂

OP posts:
Notamum12345577 · 06/07/2023 09:54

I wouldn’t say you are, but if you don’t want him to visit every night and to cook for him, you need to tell him this and lay down some boundaries

Original poster
WinterIsHere1990 · 06/07/2023 09:55

I will add he does very occasionally bring a bag of shopping with him, probably every 2 or 3 weeks. But very random stuff & not enough to make a full meal!

OP posts:
LobsterCrab · 06/07/2023 09:56

Doesn't he contribute at all to your food bill? If he doesn't you are definitely being taken for a mug! He gets free food every night except once a month!

LobsterCrab · 06/07/2023 09:56

Ask him for a financial contribution OP.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/07/2023 09:59

You're being taken here for a right mug.

Put this man back in the bin where he belongs.

BuddhaAtSea · 06/07/2023 10:03

The main thing is that you don’t like it.
I would just say: I’ll see you next Friday, let’s go out for dinner and a movie. If he tries to say: oh, but I can come after work tonight, say no, I have plans and I’d also like to spend some time on my own, so I’ll see you next Friday if you’re free.

Sit him down and explain you don’t want him to move in, and it feels like it, because he’s always there. That he’s increased your workload and expenses. That’s you’d like to date.
And if he doesn’t like it, that’s a him problem.

Original poster
WinterIsHere1990 · 06/07/2023 10:03

That's that, then! Thank you 👌reading back through my post i'm almost sad open mouthed 😳

I genuinely don't think he does it maliciously. His job/life is very solitary and I feel he's not very in touch with normal life! 😆

OP posts:
SpringleDingle · 06/07/2023 10:04

You need to sit him down and put some boundaries in place.

Look X I really love spending time with you but I am used to living alone and am finding that I am missing some of my own space. Can we set a schedule for you to pop in 2 or 3 nights a week (whichever you prefer) on Friday and Saturday or whatever...

Would that solve the problem? If you want him to contribute to shopping also for those two meals then tell him. He may be a little embarassed at not noticing he'd over-stepped before now but if he is a decent guy he should follow your direction wuthout complaint.

Original poster
WinterIsHere1990 · 06/07/2023 10:07

BuddhaAtSea · 06/07/2023 10:03

The main thing is that you don’t like it.
I would just say: I’ll see you next Friday, let’s go out for dinner and a movie. If he tries to say: oh, but I can come after work tonight, say no, I have plans and I’d also like to spend some time on my own, so I’ll see you next Friday if you’re free.

Sit him down and explain you don’t want him to move in, and it feels like it, because he’s always there. That he’s increased your workload and expenses. That’s you’d like to date.
And if he doesn’t like it, that’s a him problem.

Great idea. I have occasionally told him that I have something on when I don't just for a breather! I have a hobby that has taken a back seat which i want to pick back up and have said that to him.

Will have another word and set the boundaries. Thanks for your reply 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
WinterIsHere1990 · 06/07/2023 10:09

SpringleDingle · 06/07/2023 10:04

You need to sit him down and put some boundaries in place.

Look X I really love spending time with you but I am used to living alone and am finding that I am missing some of my own space. Can we set a schedule for you to pop in 2 or 3 nights a week (whichever you prefer) on Friday and Saturday or whatever...

Would that solve the problem? If you want him to contribute to shopping also for those two meals then tell him. He may be a little embarassed at not noticing he'd over-stepped before now but if he is a decent guy he should follow your direction wuthout complaint.

That's exactly what I'm going to do, thank you for your reply!

I don't think i should be making excuses not to see him... it's my own fault for laying down the boundaries in the first place. Something I have been guilt of in past relationships!

Thanks for the very helpful advice! 😊

OP posts:
caringcarer · 06/07/2023 10:10

BuddhaAtSea · 06/07/2023 10:03

The main thing is that you don’t like it.
I would just say: I’ll see you next Friday, let’s go out for dinner and a movie. If he tries to say: oh, but I can come after work tonight, say no, I have plans and I’d also like to spend some time on my own, so I’ll see you next Friday if you’re free.

Sit him down and explain you don’t want him to move in, and it feels like it, because he’s always there. That he’s increased your workload and expenses. That’s you’d like to date.
And if he doesn’t like it, that’s a him problem.

I agree with this.

Softoprider · 06/07/2023 10:11

It does read like he has set the bar for your life with you making his tea every night like his mum or grandma would OP !

I do not know how old you are but it's as if there is a huge chunk of life missing that is waiting to be lived and I do not think it would be with him.

BranchGold · 06/07/2023 10:11

I’d start saying things like ‘do you fancy chicken tomorrow night? Here’s a shopping list, pick it up on your way’

Original poster
WinterIsHere1990 · 06/07/2023 10:17

Softoprider · 06/07/2023 10:11

It does read like he has set the bar for your life with you making his tea every night like his mum or grandma would OP !

I do not know how old you are but it's as if there is a huge chunk of life missing that is waiting to be lived and I do not think it would be with him.

I do feel like a Grandma sometimes, yes! Surely there is more to life than cooking tea every night and falling asleep watching TV 🙄

For reference, i'm 35... not 75 as you may think..

OP posts:
Softoprider · 06/07/2023 10:27

I don't honestly see anything wrong in simply telling him this is not how it should be - that you want more out of life than this OP. Kick the 'coming round for tea' into touch pronto.

Wishimaywishimight · 06/07/2023 10:32

10 months in you should be enjoying dating - going out to movies, restaurants, coffee shops, whatever you are both interested in. Sitting in having dinner together every night and watching TV is for much later in the relationship!

You have taken on the role of 'housewife' very prematurely. Definitely knock it on the head otherwise you will become very resentful if not massively bored!

Original poster
WinterIsHere1990 · 06/07/2023 10:39

Wishimaywishimight · 06/07/2023 10:32

10 months in you should be enjoying dating - going out to movies, restaurants, coffee shops, whatever you are both interested in. Sitting in having dinner together every night and watching TV is for much later in the relationship!

You have taken on the role of 'housewife' very prematurely. Definitely knock it on the head otherwise you will become very resentful if not massively bored!

Thanks for confirming my thoughts.

I already feel like i'm on the edge of resentment so this needs nipping in the bud asap!

I thought I was doomed but this thread has made me feel quite positive once the boundaries are there 😄

OP posts:
Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 06/07/2023 11:12

Just another take on it, does he have any money worries? Can’t afford to buy his own food? Is he embarrassed that he doesn’t know how to cook for you or embarrassed about the state of his flat / his flat mates etc so you can’t go there? Feels like there might be another reason why he tries to come to yours every night and he’s avoiding staying at his! Or perhaps he hadn’t had many serious relationships and as others said just needs some guidance on boundaries :)

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 06/07/2023 11:13

(And I hope he does the washing up!!)

Bananalanacake · 06/07/2023 11:27

Put your foot down, tell him you want him to come to yours twice a week max, you need your space. I always did this early on with BFs, (and made it very clear I didn't want to live together). They were understanding.

RatherBeRiding · 06/07/2023 11:32

Can he cook? I don't live with my DP but because of the logistics he comes to me rather than me going to him. We take very strict turns on cooking. Whoever cooks buys the food and also provides breakfast. Cooking doesn't have to be cooking - it can be opening a tin of beans and toasting some bread!

OhBling · 06/07/2023 11:39

When I was in my late 20s, I lived alone and met now DH. He spent many nights at mine and sometimes, as someone who loved my own space, it was a problem.

But the reason he is now DH is because I never ever, not once, felt like a mug. I could (and did) say anytime, "I really just need my own space tonight/this weekend" and he'd happily not come over. He also ALWAYS contributed - I shopped etc, but he'd tidy up after dinner, pick up bits and pieces (and did so proactively - eg text to say he'd bought bread and milk as he'd noticed it was low or whatever), took out the garbage and so on. So while I WAS feeding him a lot, a) I earned a lot more so didn't mind and b) he was contributing in different ways.

He also was always happy to do extra little chores etc. eg I've never had to do a skip run because even in those days, if something needed taking to the skip, off he'd trot. He'd pop out to buy something if I needed it or if I was travelling for work (happened a lot in those days) he'd happily arrange to be home for a delivery or a workman or whatever.

How he responds when you put boundaries in place is going to be the big tell. Hopefully, it will be fine.

Original poster
WinterIsHere1990 · 06/07/2023 12:03

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 06/07/2023 11:12

Just another take on it, does he have any money worries? Can’t afford to buy his own food? Is he embarrassed that he doesn’t know how to cook for you or embarrassed about the state of his flat / his flat mates etc so you can’t go there? Feels like there might be another reason why he tries to come to yours every night and he’s avoiding staying at his! Or perhaps he hadn’t had many serious relationships and as others said just needs some guidance on boundaries :)

Nooo not that I have noticed over the course so far anyway. I think because he WFH he likes to escape ( straight to mine). He has said before he just likes my house 😂

I do think you're right with the guidance thing. He's lived quite a sheltered life, I don't think its even intentional the more I think about it

OP posts:
Original poster
WinterIsHere1990 · 06/07/2023 12:05

RatherBeRiding · 06/07/2023 11:32

Can he cook? I don't live with my DP but because of the logistics he comes to me rather than me going to him. We take very strict turns on cooking. Whoever cooks buys the food and also provides breakfast. Cooking doesn't have to be cooking - it can be opening a tin of beans and toasting some bread!

Yes he can cook, he says he really enjoys cooking. Just never seems to get round to doing it 🤔And when I do cook he takes over....

I just wish he would take over (at his) lol

OP posts:
Backstreets · 06/07/2023 12:09

35? I was going to guess 55 from the op. You should expect a bit more. You do fancy him?