Page 2 | Am I being taken for a mug?

WinterIsHere1990 · 2023-07-06T08:53:03+00:00

I think I already know the answer because I'm asking the question but need validation or confirmation i think 🤔 Been with BF for 10 months and just lately I feel like I've taken over the role of being his mother/chef! We don't live together (I don't wish to ever live with someone ever again 😂) but feel like every hour after work is spent at mine. We see each other most nights and those nights are nearly always spent at mine unless I have something on. It's very rare that he cooks.. probably once a month but if so he cooks it and brings it to my house! 😤 I think i have a bee in my bonnet because 1: I quite like my own space and i'm kicking myself for not putting some house boundaries in at the start so I've made a rod for my own back 🙄 2: It's costing me money to obviously buy food and cook it almost every night, using my utilities. He lives alone and I do visit but with his job it means he doesnt get finished until about 7.30pm and by then I'll have already made tea and there is enough and he just presumes there will be tea for him. I can't decipher if I'm being crabby or if i'm being taken for a mug 🤔 Thoughts? PS. Sorry for such a long ranty post - I have definitely just vented 😂

Original poster

WinterIsHere1990 · 06/07/2023 12:09

OhBling · 06/07/2023 11:39

When I was in my late 20s, I lived alone and met now DH. He spent many nights at mine and sometimes, as someone who loved my own space, it was a problem.

But the reason he is now DH is because I never ever, not once, felt like a mug. I could (and did) say anytime, "I really just need my own space tonight/this weekend" and he'd happily not come over. He also ALWAYS contributed - I shopped etc, but he'd tidy up after dinner, pick up bits and pieces (and did so proactively - eg text to say he'd bought bread and milk as he'd noticed it was low or whatever), took out the garbage and so on. So while I WAS feeding him a lot, a) I earned a lot more so didn't mind and b) he was contributing in different ways.

He also was always happy to do extra little chores etc. eg I've never had to do a skip run because even in those days, if something needed taking to the skip, off he'd trot. He'd pop out to buy something if I needed it or if I was travelling for work (happened a lot in those days) he'd happily arrange to be home for a delivery or a workman or whatever.

How he responds when you put boundaries in place is going to be the big tell. Hopefully, it will be fine.

Thank you for your reply. I think the main problem here is I feel like i have an evening lodger and that isn't quite what I had in mind. I was on my own for a few years before he came along and I got quite used to doing my own thing when i wanted...not having to consider anyone else. Which is the main reason I posted as I didn't know if I was just been narky because I enjoy being on my own 😁

I have no doubt he will take it on board. When I've mentioned having to go food shopping AGAIN... he will turn up the next night with a bag of food.

I just needed confirmation I wasn't been a moody brat 😂Thanks!

OP posts:

Sunshineandflipflops · 06/07/2023 12:15

I have a similar set up in that me and my dp don't live together and he comes here more than I go to his. This is primarily because I prefer being here as all my things are here, I have a cat and my house is nicer (he rents, I own) and I have food in my fridge (he is a shop as he needs it kind of person).

So I end up buying and making meals most of the time. He will sometimes offer but I am better at cooking and planning and I am also a bit of a control freak and not good at letting others do things for me.

He will pay for things though if we are together when I we got them and he will take me out for dinner now and again, or pay for a takeaway if I say I don't feel like cooking.

LookItsMeAgain · 06/07/2023 12:35

Just one thing that jumped out at me from your opening message @WinterIsHere1990 was that if there was dinner left over from whenever you finished eating, he assumed it would be for him and not something that you might actually eat on day 2 or bring to your work to reheat or something for your own lunch.

Have you tried to say "Actually, I'm bringing that into work and having it for my lunch tomorrow. You'll have to sort yourself out" and see what he does (whether he starts cooking or if he leaves and gets a takeaway on his way home or even if he cooks for himself when he gets back to his place). It would be quite telling which of these he would do.

Original poster

WinterIsHere1990 · 06/07/2023 12:42

LookItsMeAgain · 06/07/2023 12:35

Just one thing that jumped out at me from your opening message @WinterIsHere1990 was that if there was dinner left over from whenever you finished eating, he assumed it would be for him and not something that you might actually eat on day 2 or bring to your work to reheat or something for your own lunch.

Have you tried to say "Actually, I'm bringing that into work and having it for my lunch tomorrow. You'll have to sort yourself out" and see what he does (whether he starts cooking or if he leaves and gets a takeaway on his way home or even if he cooks for himself when he gets back to his place). It would be quite telling which of these he would do.

And that is exactly what is grinding on me I think. I would take it for dinner or for tea the second night so it is costing me more. I've never shopped as much!

I think half my problem is we've got into the routine of him just coming round to mine and me feeding him every night. Which is annoying me because I don't want an every day boyfriend... and I don't want to be a daily chef 😂

Honestly I look in his fridge and wonder how he's alive. There may be 3 things in it. Then i realise 'MY FRIDGE AND I ARE THE REASON HES ALIVE!!'

Things are definitely going to change!

OP posts:

Original poster

WinterIsHere1990 · 06/07/2023 12:52

Sunshineandflipflops · 06/07/2023 12:15

I have a similar set up in that me and my dp don't live together and he comes here more than I go to his. This is primarily because I prefer being here as all my things are here, I have a cat and my house is nicer (he rents, I own) and I have food in my fridge (he is a shop as he needs it kind of person).

So I end up buying and making meals most of the time. He will sometimes offer but I am better at cooking and planning and I am also a bit of a control freak and not good at letting others do things for me.

He will pay for things though if we are together when I we got them and he will take me out for dinner now and again, or pay for a takeaway if I say I don't feel like cooking.

Can I ask how often you see each other? I think my issues go hand in hand as i see him most nights unless I have something on... which means I cook most nights. I do want to get back into my hobby which will help 🙂

I'm in the same boat in regards to food in my fridge (you would think his fridge was out of use there is so little in it).

OP posts:

billy1966 · 06/07/2023 13:17

OP,

You sound really lovely but your boundaries are dangerouly poor.

I always find it very strange when people excuse really mean men with being oblivious.

Is he of really low intelligence?

If not, why would he think that the food fairy delivers to your fridge and you magic up food?

Every Night?

Your bill will be substantially higher because when we cook for others we usually go to more effort.

Every night means he is living off you happily.

Of course he knows he has a tiny food bill and really low utilities.

How you would put up with this so soon after meeting him?

He couldn't care less about you or your needs.

He is utterly fixated on what he wants.

I know this is harsh but at his core he is mean, thoughtless and imposing on you.

At the very least you are paying for a boyfriend.

Tot up what this has cost you.
Take the time to do this.

Is that really what you think you have to do to have someone in your life?

Him arriving into your home like some 1950's husband expecting dinner on the table, and not contributing to it bar an occasional bag of bits🙄

You are 35, why on earth would you think it is acceptable for someone to impose on you like that?

You deserve so much better than this.

He should at the very very least be taking you out a couple of nights at the weekend to balance things up if he eats at yours during the week.

Does he do this?
Of course he doesn't....that would cost him money.

He is so far ahead of you.

You deserve much better.

Sunshineandflipflops · 06/07/2023 13:29

At the moment, 2 or 3 evenings a week we see each other most days but just for a walk or something at lunch time).
He is moving in soon and we have just had a conversation about cooking. We’ve agreed that I will cook when my teenagers are here as they are fussy and he will cook when they go to their dads, or pay for a meal out/takeaway.

OhComeOnFFS · 06/07/2023 13:33

Notamum12345577 · 06/07/2023 09:54

I wouldn’t say you are, but if you don’t want him to visit every night and to cook for him, you need to tell him this and lay down some boundaries

Oh come on, she's buying most of the food and cooking it - of course he's taking advantage.

Naunet · 06/07/2023 14:19

Why aren’t you just telling him OP? Just tell him, you’re looking to date, not run a free restaurant. I think he’s actually being pretty rude, unless he’s spectacularly thick, he knows this is costing you money, but he doesn’t care. Buying the odd bag of shopping after you’ve dropped hints is just keeping you sweet rather than actually caring. Does he wash up etc after you’ve cooked? Does he ever take you out for dinner?

Naunet · 06/07/2023 14:21

billy1966 · 06/07/2023 13:17

OP,

You sound really lovely but your boundaries are dangerouly poor.

I always find it very strange when people excuse really mean men with being oblivious.

Is he of really low intelligence?

If not, why would he think that the food fairy delivers to your fridge and you magic up food?

Every Night?

Your bill will be substantially higher because when we cook for others we usually go to more effort.

Every night means he is living off you happily.

Of course he knows he has a tiny food bill and really low utilities.

How you would put up with this so soon after meeting him?

He couldn't care less about you or your needs.

He is utterly fixated on what he wants.

I know this is harsh but at his core he is mean, thoughtless and imposing on you.

At the very least you are paying for a boyfriend.

Tot up what this has cost you.
Take the time to do this.

Is that really what you think you have to do to have someone in your life?

Him arriving into your home like some 1950's husband expecting dinner on the table, and not contributing to it bar an occasional bag of bits🙄

You are 35, why on earth would you think it is acceptable for someone to impose on you like that?

You deserve so much better than this.

He should at the very very least be taking you out a couple of nights at the weekend to balance things up if he eats at yours during the week.

Does he do this?
Of course he doesn't....that would cost him money.

He is so far ahead of you.

You deserve much better.

At least 1950s men considered themselves providers, this guy thinks he should get the 1950s service from a woman for free!

Original poster

WinterIsHere1990 · 06/07/2023 14:36

billy1966 · 06/07/2023 13:17

OP,

You sound really lovely but your boundaries are dangerouly poor.

I always find it very strange when people excuse really mean men with being oblivious.

Is he of really low intelligence?

If not, why would he think that the food fairy delivers to your fridge and you magic up food?

Every Night?

Your bill will be substantially higher because when we cook for others we usually go to more effort.

Every night means he is living off you happily.

Of course he knows he has a tiny food bill and really low utilities.

How you would put up with this so soon after meeting him?

He couldn't care less about you or your needs.

He is utterly fixated on what he wants.

I know this is harsh but at his core he is mean, thoughtless and imposing on you.

At the very least you are paying for a boyfriend.

Tot up what this has cost you.
Take the time to do this.

Is that really what you think you have to do to have someone in your life?

Him arriving into your home like some 1950's husband expecting dinner on the table, and not contributing to it bar an occasional bag of bits🙄

You are 35, why on earth would you think it is acceptable for someone to impose on you like that?

You deserve so much better than this.

He should at the very very least be taking you out a couple of nights at the weekend to balance things up if he eats at yours during the week.

Does he do this?
Of course he doesn't....that would cost him money.

He is so far ahead of you.

You deserve much better.

Thanks for your reply... I think I needed to see that ion black and white😕

I agree my boundaries are pretty non existent. After a previous DV relationship, I have kept myself to myself for a good while. So I know my boundaries are a bit squiffed but was just looking for some confirmation that it wasn't in my head and I wasn't just been precious.

Jeez I look and feel like a right mug 😤

OP posts:

billy1966 · 06/07/2023 15:42

Remember, by posting on here you were being niggled by your gut.

This is good.
Listen to your gut.

You are lovely woman but sometimes lovely people get used and taken advantage of, so IMO being too nice often gets you diddly squat.

If you were my daughter I would be telling you to do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk asap.

You don't need to be cooking for some tight arse every night.

Why should you?
I know, .....you like to think well of people,......... but he's suiting himself completely.

Those leftovers could be your lunch.
You don't have children but are cooking every night.🙄

Please, please, tot up the figure.
You need to do that.
You need to see what this guy is costing you.

You are too good for a mean user loser.

Don't cook for him tonight, blow him off and let him sort himself out.

Take a break over the weekend.

Tot up the figure he has cost you.
Text him and ask him to send what he owes you.

His reaction will be interesting.

Funny how many of these ditzy oblivious men are just plain mean users suiting themselves.
If he has an ounce of decency he will transfer that total.
If he doesn't, you have confirmation of him being a user.

He doesn't deserve you.
You are too good for him.

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

billy1966 · 06/07/2023 15:54

@Naunet agreed.

35 years ago as a single woman I would invite male and female colleagues to dinner, big pot lucks.

The appreciation for what I threw up in front of them (was very much learning to cook😁) was huge.

Similarly my husband would pop in after rugby practice on a sunday evening and I would have someone tasty made, like roast chicken etc, and his appreciation at not having to go back to his apartment and cook was huge.

That was the only time I cooked.

I cannot imagine any boyfriend thinking that turning up night after hands hanging is acceptable.

He must be mean, uncouth and utterly dragged up to think this is acceptable.

He clearly doesn't appreciate it either, which is unbelievable.

It is really not normal to be turning up after 10 months thinking you are entitled to a free dinner every night.

Christ I'm married 30 years and my darling husband doesn't have that presumption!😁

Get back to your hobby and never make yourself so available to a man again.

Original poster

WinterIsHere1990 · 06/07/2023 16:08

billy1966 · 06/07/2023 15:42

Remember, by posting on here you were being niggled by your gut.

This is good.
Listen to your gut.

You are lovely woman but sometimes lovely people get used and taken advantage of, so IMO being too nice often gets you diddly squat.

If you were my daughter I would be telling you to do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk asap.

You don't need to be cooking for some tight arse every night.

Why should you?
I know, .....you like to think well of people,......... but he's suiting himself completely.

Those leftovers could be your lunch.
You don't have children but are cooking every night.🙄

Please, please, tot up the figure.
You need to do that.
You need to see what this guy is costing you.

You are too good for a mean user loser.

Don't cook for him tonight, blow him off and let him sort himself out.

Take a break over the weekend.

Tot up the figure he has cost you.
Text him and ask him to send what he owes you.

His reaction will be interesting.

Funny how many of these ditzy oblivious men are just plain mean users suiting themselves.
If he has an ounce of decency he will transfer that total.
If he doesn't, you have confirmation of him being a user.

He doesn't deserve you.
You are too good for him.

Thank you 🤗These are the words I was expecting my mother to say to me... but she's definitely still a 1950s housewife so didn't really see my point!

I've taken everything on board. First stop, cancelled tonight and i'm looking after number one 🙌I've got a really busy weekend this weekend thankfully so won't have to see him then either.

I've just seen this whole thing in a completely different light. Why on earth am i being treated like a housewife when i am 35!? where did the fun go!?

Anyway, thanks all... you've opened my 👀which I definitely needed. And the attractiveness has somewhat vanished... along with my fridge belongings (sorry, i must make light of what a complete twat I have been)

X

OP posts:

Original poster

WinterIsHere1990 · 06/07/2023 16:12

billy1966 · 06/07/2023 15:54

@Naunet agreed.

35 years ago as a single woman I would invite male and female colleagues to dinner, big pot lucks.

The appreciation for what I threw up in front of them (was very much learning to cook😁) was huge.

Similarly my husband would pop in after rugby practice on a sunday evening and I would have someone tasty made, like roast chicken etc, and his appreciation at not having to go back to his apartment and cook was huge.

That was the only time I cooked.

I cannot imagine any boyfriend thinking that turning up night after hands hanging is acceptable.

He must be mean, uncouth and utterly dragged up to think this is acceptable.

He clearly doesn't appreciate it either, which is unbelievable.

It is really not normal to be turning up after 10 months thinking you are entitled to a free dinner every night.

Christ I'm married 30 years and my darling husband doesn't have that presumption!😁

Get back to your hobby and never make yourself so available to a man again.

Thank you...

I needed a serious talking to and that is the exact reason I posted. As above, I did speak to my Mum about this but she is a housewife from the doomsday so wasn't the best to give advice!!

Anyway... must run as I'm leaving the house... and will be returning later to cook for ONE 😘

OP posts:

xfan · 06/07/2023 16:21

WinterIsHere1990 · 06/07/2023 10:17

I do feel like a Grandma sometimes, yes! Surely there is more to life than cooking tea every night and falling asleep watching TV 🙄

For reference, i'm 35... not 75 as you may think..

Show quote history

A lot of relationships centre around the mundane and predictable like watching TV and cooking dinner ..where do you see this relationship in 5 years' time?

OrbandSpectacle · 06/07/2023 16:53

I AM a grandmother, nearing my 70s 😂and no way would I spend every evening cooking and giving a man a free meal! how fucking boring as well as expensive!

Original poster

WinterIsHere1990 · 06/07/2023 19:49

OrbandSpectacle · 06/07/2023 16:53

I AM a grandmother, nearing my 70s 😂and no way would I spend every evening cooking and giving a man a free meal! how fucking boring as well as expensive!

Apologies 😂 I didn't mean to cause age offence! But I am glad to hear you aren't a slave to the kitchen stone 😂I appreciate your words x

OP posts:

billy1966 · 06/07/2023 20:04

Delighted to read the penny has dropped for you.

When we know better, we do better!👍

Original poster

WinterIsHere1990 · 06/07/2023 20:07

billy1966 · 06/07/2023 20:04

Delighted to read the penny has dropped for you.

When we know better, we do better!👍

I wish I knew about mumsnet 15 years ago when i started delving into terrible relationships! Much appreciated for the VERY valuable advice 🙏

OP posts:

DixonD · 06/07/2023 20:11

I wouldn’t be bothered by any of that if I was with the right person. Just my take on it but I’m really easy going. I do like my own space but I would also enjoy seeing my partner most nights. I’m married now, but just thinking back to “the old days.” I actually saw more of him then!