Disclosing "abuse"

[Lostandsearching]

I've been having a tough time in my relationship of several years. Name calling, swearing, gaslighting, cheating. The word narcissist is thrown around but honestly, it's as if all my partner's behaviours have been documented and they developed the word narcissist.
I'm at a low point after years of being belittled and run down.
As an NHS worker I am entitled to staff counselling and have decided to give it a go, as I would very much welcome having someone to talk to.
What I'm wondering, is how much to disclose. I need to feel validated and want to speak open and honestly. My partner has never been violent as such but has grabbed me and pushed my across the room in front of our child, he was also shouting that I'm a "fucking bitch" at the same time. Our child was shouting "mummy" and he told our child he was shutting me out of the room because I'm horrible.
If I disclosed this to the counsellor, would he/she keep this in confidence? Or potentially contact social services? I know in my line of work we would break confidentiality if a risk of harm to self or other. I don't want to disclose anything that may be passed on.
Thank you.

Well, he clearly has been violent, because the incident you describe was violent.

It's impossible to tell what a counsellor would do, but the bar for disclosure is high.

The more important question is what are you going to do to end this situation and remove your child from this environment? All the verbal aggression and gaslighting will take their toll on them.

Counsellors do NOT have to keep confidentiality and the bar for disclosure is NOT high - in fact they have a DUTY to tell Social Services. As such, if you disclosed to a counsellor what you have disclosed here, it is almost certain a notification would be made to Social Services who would then assess what to do in response to that referral. This is for two reasons:

1. you are being abused - including physically - and your child is seeing this and will be affected by it
2. since the 2021 DA Act, children are now victims in their own right which means even if they don't see any abuse, they are still living with a parent who is being negatively affected by abuse and this 'qualifies' your child as a victim.

The response of Social Services should be to support you to keep yourself and your child safe. An increasing number do take this approach - others are still stuck in the past and hold mothers accountable for the abusive parents behaviour / put all the responsibility on the mother to protect the child - often wrongly thinking that separation is the 'solution'.

You could google 'safe and together' + [name of your local social services]. If you get a positive result, then your local Social Services is much more likely to have a positive approach to you. However - the absence of a positive google result doesn't mean they will be unhelpful. Another way to get a sense of their approach would be to google 'Domestic Homicide Review' + [name of your local authority] and to search any published reports for mention of children's social services and how they behaved in a real case and what changes may have been implemented as a consequence. Again - this isn't foolproof but it might be able to offer you some reassurance that a referral wouldn't lead to interventions you don't want / would find unhelpful. You could try calling the national domestic abuse helpline as you would be anonymous albeit that this isn't quite the same as face to face counselling.

You are probably already taking steps to try to keep you and your child safe - the fact that it isn't working is not your fault as you are not in control of the abuse. But you are in control of (a) recognising that you can't control / change him and (b) responding differently as a consequence.

Good luck. 💐

"My partner has never been violent as such but has grabbed me and pushed my across the room in front of our child, he was also shouting that I'm a "fucking bitch" at the same time. Our child was shouting "mummy" and he told our child he was shutting me out of the room because I'm horrible".

What you're describing above is domestic violence within the home and he has now been physically violent towards you. Your child saw all this too and this is highly damaging to him/her. I would urge you to contact Womens Aid as they can and will help you leave if this is what you want to do. All calls to them are also confidential.

re your comment
"I don't want to disclose anything that may be passed on."

What information and passed on to whom?. Protecting him or you seeing to protect him (out of fear of him or fear of reprisals against you) will not help you or your child. Coercive control is a crime these days and he should be in a cell.

Do not worry yourself about any and all Social Services involvement going forward; they are not the enemy here. Your man is. You and your child need to be kept safe because you and in turn your child are being abused by this man. Abuse thrives on secrecy.

What is the situation re the property?. Are you named on any mortgage or tenancy agreement?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you grow up seeing similar between your parents?.

So I do understand that it's not a healthy situation. If I'm completely honest...I'm a mess. He's turned me into an anxious insecure mess, I feel constantly sick. I don't let him see it though and don't make him aware I'm insecure. I'm now 36 and feel I'm wasting my life. However I just want him to commit to me and love me. O know how absolutely messed up that is, hence why I am going to start counseling.
I did see a Relate therapist and discussed what had happened but she never escalated the information.

Your counselling should really focus on breaking the unhealthy attachment you have with your abuser so that you and your child can be free.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I don't want social service involved. Also, I'm not ready to leave. If SS become involved its final and could also impact partners career.

Another thing...I can't believe I'm admitting this but here goes...
He has ruined my life and tells people I'm mentally unwell etc. I honestly cannot leave the relationship without evidence of what he has done to me. I can't cope with what he has done and people thinking "poor him". The best thing he could do is punch me and at least then people will know what he is like. Proving the psychological destruction is difficult.

Spill it ALL out. You will feel better for sharing.

I disclosed some things to some one at my NHS workplace. I can't remember if it was a counsellor or just workplace health officer (a few years ago and in a bad place) but yes they did report to Social Services.

@TinaTotal oh really. Did they tell you they would be doing this? If you don't mind me asking, was it due to physical violence? I feel I'm in a grey area as he's not been violent as such. I hope you are doing ok now.

The only way out is through. Tell your therapist everything—they should have heard it all before and be very familiar with the narcissist’s handbook.

and here is the thing about the way he has defamed you and called you mentally unwell—he has already done it. Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter won’t mind. Even if you were in some sense mentally unwell the cure is never to stay in an abusive relationship.

Stop thinking this is an argument to be won! This is a shit filled tiger’s den to be fled. Grab your child and go. Figure things out later—there us no safety in the tiger’s den.

@Lostandsearching no not physical abuse.
I hope you will be able to get through this. ❤️

You need to go to counselling to un wrap why you deserve this crap

it won’t impact careers unless he’s arrested and his actual job and that’s very very unlikely with regards to DV these days sadly

do you want your child to go to school one day and tell the teachers mummy got hit again as they’ll have to report it and they don’t have to tell you that either.

SS will want you to safe guard your child and if you stay they’ll take steps to remove for their safety as it’s classed as abuse to a child witnessing it

time to go and realise you can do this for you and your child more so your child.

But he HAS been violent, pushing you across the room whilst screaming at you in front of your child IS violent.

Why do you want to continue to allow your child to live like this?

@Dullardmullard I definitely need to make changes but there is obviously something wrong with me. Im hoping therapy will help. He's never hit me (although once told me he wanted to punch me in the face).

Please tell the counsellor everything and also tell your family if you have a close relationship with them, they can help you.

I was a child that grew up in a house with a lot of arguing/aggression and just a horrible miserable atmosphere and I wish someone knew about it and had done something. My stepdad didn't ever hit my Mum but there was pushing/shoving and breaking things, I still don't like arguments now and I'm 44.

Please protect your child and do it for them if you can't do it for yourself. Good luck ❤️

I'm a children's counsellor and yes this would warrant a disclosure to Designated Safeguarding Lead who would then decide whether it met the threshold for referral to MASH.

I'd also be extremely worried about the fact that you seem more invested in keeping your partner's behaviour secret than protecting your child.

You do know that domestic violence isn't just hitting someone? He pushed you across the room so he laid his hands on you and it wasn't in a gentle and loving manor, he has been violent.

My stepdad didn't hit my Mum but he pushed her out into the garden in her nightdress and locked her out there, that's still domestic violence.

Manner not manor ffs 🙄

@wildworldtumes thank you for the info. I shall be mindful what I disclose.

I absolutely want to keep my child safe. Its me that he has anger with... largely because I discovered he cheated and I've "exposed" him as something other than the "victim" he has always portrayed (even when his marriage ended).

I am however conscious that if I disclose what happened, it could impact his career. I also can't emotionally cope with being blamed. After he grabbed/pushed me, he didn't apologise or mention it. When I brought it up a few weeks later he denied sweating and shouting and said he only grabbed my wrists because I raised my fist to him. This is 100% a complete lie. We weren't even arguing at the time, his anger came out of nowhere. Plus I've never been violent or threatened violence. He also didn't grab my wrists, it was my arms. I said he'd hurt me and his response was "well I didn't leave a mark, did I".

Firstly, well done on trying to seek help in the form of talking to someone about what's been happening and trying to untangle why you want to get closer to your abuser rather than having the instinct to run away from him and take your kid(s) with you.

It must feel really really hard, especially as people like your partner specialise in making people feel incredibly shit and helpless. Well, you're not helpless. Please do take the step of speaking to the counsellor.

IMO you should disclose to them what's been happening in your relationship, and if that results in consequences for your "partner" then that (in the long run) is a very good thing. But I understand that that feels very hard for step 1, so how about you talk about the narcissism stuff to start with and see how it feels when you start getting stuff off your chest. It might be that once you start, you feel braver and want to clear up the "mess" as you call it and sort things out for you and your child x

I do also wonder... if you've already spoken to the Relate therapist about this (who didn't act) and now you want to speak to someone else, maybe subconsciously you DO want them to do something - anything - to break you out of the situation you feel stuck in.

BTW your partner's career is really not your problem

you’re worried about his career?. He will continue to ruin your life if you at all stay with him and he will take your child down with him as well. I would think that many people he tells do not actually believe him.

Your man’s career is NOT your problem. He does not give a shift shit about you or your child. He remains both abusive and volatile and it is NOT your fault he is like this. These types of men hate women and ALL of them.

Many Relate therapists do not recognise abuse when presented with it. Abuse is not a relationship problem either, it’s about power and control and he wants absolute. You need to talk to Women’s Aid as they can and will help you.

You have a choice re this man and your child does not. Make better choices for you both now ie get your abuser out of your day to day lives permanently.

Not saying Relate is perfect but to be fair, they have done a lot of work on domestic abuse over the past two decades. For example, it is national policy that any couple attending together be seen separately and screened for domestic abuse.

But totally agree abuse is not a relationship problem - it's an abuser problem.

When we saw the Relate therapist, I had one session alone (partner did not), then we attended together. It was a nightmare to be honest. Nobody could speak because he is loud and talks continuously. I didn't get the chance to say anything and the therapist never really had any input.

I think it's really concerning that you're more worried about the impact it could have on his career if you said the wrong thing than the impact the violence he has already shown will have on your child (although for some reason you seem to be deep in denial that it even was violence).

You know this is all very, very wrong or you wouldn't be worried about saying the wrong thing to the counsellor. However you also say that you'd like him to punch you to make it easier to leave - but leaving isn't ever likely to feel 'easy', people stay in violent relationships all the time for that very reason and the chances are you'll find a way to minimise and excuse the next time he is violent, just like you have the last one. I walked into the door, he didn't mean to do it so hard, he didn't break anything it's just bruised, I shouldn't have said what I said. That's what happens.

But you deserve better and your child deserves better, he or she is learning what relationships look like, how men treat women and how men and women behave. They are growing up in constant tension, with a mother who is always on edge and father who is a nasty, violent bully, that is what they are learning from you - and you need to do whatever it takes to leave so they don't grow up in fear.

Tell your counsellor the truth and tell her that you need help to leave but you are terrified - or phone womens aid and talk to them. If you can't do it for yourself because he has taken away all your self worth and self esteem then do it for your child.

You're desperate for someone who is abusive to love you - you cannot make. force, cajole, encourage or persuade someone to love you, they either feel it or they don't. You are absolutely fighting a losing battle there and yo will always lose. I'd suggest though that it isn't love you feel at all, it's emotional dependence - a healthy loving relationship isn't one sided, or violent, or degrading or emotionally abusive or gas lighting or any of a long list of things that this is. Where did you learn that this is what love is and that you are desperate for it?