Disclosing "abuse"

[Lostandsearching]

I've been having a tough time in my relationship of several years. Name calling, swearing, gaslighting, cheating. The word narcissist is thrown around but honestly, it's as if all my partner's behaviours have been documented and they developed the word narcissist.
I'm at a low point after years of being belittled and run down.
As an NHS worker I am entitled to staff counselling and have decided to give it a go, as I would very much welcome having someone to talk to.
What I'm wondering, is how much to disclose. I need to feel validated and want to speak open and honestly. My partner has never been violent as such but has grabbed me and pushed my across the room in front of our child, he was also shouting that I'm a "fucking bitch" at the same time. Our child was shouting "mummy" and he told our child he was shutting me out of the room because I'm horrible.
If I disclosed this to the counsellor, would he/she keep this in confidence? Or potentially contact social services? I know in my line of work we would break confidentiality if a risk of harm to self or other. I don't want to disclose anything that may be passed on.
Thank you.

This therapist should not have agreed to see the two of you together. Joint counselling is NEVER recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. You were never safe enough emotionally to have any joint session with him and as expected he talked over you and said counsellor. He wanted to dominate you both.

The therapy was odd to be honest. I initially went alone as I was scared if we went together, he'd make her think I was nuts. After my session with her, she said "I'm already not sure how I'm going to hold my tongue when seeing you both together".
He spent the sessions mainly stating I was crazy and the therapist didn't really ask for elaboration. So I said to my partner "can you state in what ways I display anger and and mental illness" his response was that I sometimes roll my eyes at him.
Sessions ended when he stated Lostandsearching needs therapy, there is nothing I need to work on and no reason for me to come. He happily strode out of the room stating "all my exes are crazy'

I couldn't cope with the sessions. Initially I was looking forward to it as I thought he would communicate with me and I'd get answers (his cheating was the catalyst for therapy) but it didn't happen. I'd leave in tears with an awful headache for the next 2 days.

What is his career, why would it impact upon it? Does he work with vulnerable people? Is he a policeman by any chance?

He has acted like so many abusive men act in such sessions. He hates women and ALL of them. Calling the exs crazy is abuser 101 and a huge red flag. It was a waste of time you and he attending these sessions and the therapist likely has the measure of him hence those comments.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Your boundaries here, already skewed by I would think poor life experiences and relationship models (has anyone ever bothered with you really?) are being further eroded by this violent man now.

Abuse is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control. You will never get any sort of an answer, let alone a straight answer, from him so stop trying.

I’m not sure what the counsellor could have done but that’s in the past now, the point is you’re seeking help and you need to make sure this time it’s appropriate.

he is the problem. Just him.

you’re a fool if you think him hitting you would make it easier to leave. 1) he’d claim you were crazy and lying 2) you’d be even more scared than you are now 3) you’d be asking yourself how you could share custody with a violent man (many people ask this on this board every week). So that’s not a solution.

only you can solve it but you can get help to do so, from the new counsellor, from women’s aid, from SS, and many others. You know he’s a poison so why are you keeping him in the house?

I grew up like this and ended up in a DV relationship of my own as a teenager because I was so used to it (I felt it preferable to be hit by my boyfriend than be at home watching my dad chase my mum about in rage). My dad was very abusive and my mum was unfortunately a ‘man pleaser’ through and through. Neither parent would/could see my pain.

when I was about 13 I wrote some stuff in a book at school, that I hated my life etc and they brought my parents in to find out if things were ok at home, both parents covered everything up. I knew then that no one could help.

As an adult I am NC with them (they are now divorced, Mother has a new abusive man). I have been affected by it.

it’s really hard to put yourself in your child’s shoes but if you can’t put a stop to this, it will damage your child in so many ways.

Do you relate at all to the ‘man pleaser’ theory - did you grow up having to kowtow to a volatile man? Or were you rejected by a volatile father? There must be a way to get your DH off the pedestal you have put him on.

Your child is being exposed to domestic abuse and that is what would warrant the safeguarding disclosure.

For as long as your child is witnessing you being abused (whether physically or verbally) your child is also experiencing abuse.

Also, I totally understand the abject fear of the smear campaign that will ensue if you stand up and say no more.

I had a front row seat for my dad’s smear campaign against my mum, his brother and then his subsequent partner.

I knew full well the kind of behaviour I was in for if I went NC and I was right, he even got his neighbour to turn up on my doorstep and send my children guilt tripping letters! I have lost all my aunts/cousins.

But I got through it, and I am still standing, and I/we have peace from my dad now. if you can put distance between yourself and your husband while your child is still young, you will protect them from having a front row seat for all this.

Shoving is hitting just to clear here.

why do you care about him and not your child.

yes you get ground down but you need that tipping point. Mine was him throwing my 18 month old son at me. What’s yours going to be

also it’s very telling I didn’t mark you and I fear he’s escalating because you’ve brought up the abuse.

I'm really trying hard to reflect here and make some positive changes. I know staying is wrong and I know it's wrong for our child. On the other hand I'm desperate for love. I would love to know why I am so bonded to this man. It's really been hell. Cheating was always my deal breaker and I stayed, so even if things are relatively settled, I feel broken, hideous, not good enough.

A few have asked about my childhood. I'll give some background on me...

Parents split up when I was 10. When together, they would argue. I remember dad standing in front of the door telling my mum she couldn't go out, she was a slag etc. Mum later told me that as soon as they got married, he turned controlling- would time her at shops etc. Saying that, I think my mum cheated.

I used to stay awake at night until my dad came to bed because I was scared. He never hit my mum but they would argue and shout. I remember coming downstairs, standing in the middle of them in my nightie, screaming and crying at them to stop- literally jumping up and down in the middle of them. My dad drank a lot. I saw him put his fist through the glass door, rip the phone off the walls. I loved my dad but my mum once left him (before they properly split) and when she told me we were going back home, I vomitted.

I was happy when they fully split because it reduced the anxiety. So I should know about the effects of a hostile living environment on children.

Once they split up, we'd see my dad regularly. He wanted us there. However he drank all weekend and would be passed out by 1pm. I don't know why but I felt uneasy around my dad and would sleep in the room with my brother. Nothing significant happened that I remembered, expect my dad once kissing me on the lips (peck not proper kiss) and saying "you can look at me when I kiss you". He would often tell me he loved me more than my brother.

Dad died 10 years ago.
Relationship wise apart from my ex husband (probably the only decent man I've been in a relationship with) all other men I've dated are at least 15 years older than me. I get attached quickly.

Are you going to put a stop to the generational trauma for your DC’a sake?

OP, are you familiar with trauma bonding at all? It's a coping mechanism that our brains use to help us survive an abusive situation, and more likely to happen to those raised in an abusive household - broxtowewomensproject.org.uk/trauma-bonding/

Gently, you need to get out of this relationship as soon as you can. If not for your sake and the sake of a life that is being ruined and wasted, but for your child's. You need to teach your child this is not ok so you do not perpetuate the generational trauma and abuse cycle.

Your DP's career is not your responsibility. HE is responsible for fucking it up by abusing you. HE is responsible for his affairs. The people in your life who you will want to stick around for the long-term will know you are not to blame for this, it literally doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. All that matters is the safety of you and your DC, and though you keep denying it you ARE being physically abused.

You need to get out so you are able to live your life and protect your DC. I know how hard this is as an abuse survivor, and that right now you can't see the wood for the trees, but you need to plan your escape.

I just want him to commit to me and love me.
It isn't going to happen.
Your potential for happiness (and safety) lies in getting yourself and your child out of there, away from him.
Currently, you're living with an abuser and covering for him while he abuses you and your child.
Your therapy, coming to terms with your past, your future mental health are all secondary to and dependent on your getting away.

Usually, I recommend lots of therapy, and planning a quiet exit. Definitely be careful what you let him know. But you need to be away from him, very soon.

You need therapy to up pick the past and whilst there aim for an exit from your partner.

where you love bombed in the beginning then got crumbs later and your craving what you had in the beginning. look at that and look deeply at it.

you want love why? Another to ask, why with him. Learn to love yourself.

Time for the scales to drop and show you, you can leave him but I’d be reporting his abuse why cos then it’s on record for your child.

Oh and another thing when leaving

DO NOT TELL HIM

if you can do a de clutter so less to take

have a bag ready to go with you for you and your child

all important documents but these can be replaced but the important one are is your child’s passport if he has one.

Why are you more concerned with ruining his career if you disclose, rather than ruining the life of your child?

Your DC has witnessed you being physically abused and is living in an emotionally abusive environment.

Get counselling and contact WA.

BTW you don’t need evidence, you don’t need to prove you are mentally unwell.

I bet if you contacted his ex’s they’d tell you that he treated them exactly the same and then presented them as unstable and himself as the victim.

Leave. Protect your child

@Lostandsearching i want to encourage you to reach out to Women Aid for support.

You and your child are experiencing violence (both physical and non-physical violence, eg, emotional violence) directed towards you in your own home - which is meant to be a place of safety and protection.

It is very hard to heal or grow when you are under the duress of abuse.

It is well understood by those working in the family violence field that it is very, very hard to leave an abusive dynamic.

You should never have been put in a situation where you were in a counselling space with this abusive man. You were let down and harmed by this, and counsellors need to be trained to do better.

This isn’t “abuse”, OP. This is abuse.

You need to get yourself and your child away from him before he escalates from a push to a punch. Have you contacted Women’s Aid?

Oh good, the part-time doctor again! It's been a while.

Good to see you're still living in a toxic environment exposing both your child by him and his stepson who he emotionally abuses to an unsafe home.

Support is out there, you've been given dozens of threads worth of advice and support and you still "just want him to love and commit to you"?!

Really?! What is it going to take for you to leave? If cheating and bullying your children don't do it, what will??

Genuine question, as if you have no intention of leaving (as it appears you don't) maybe you should consider posters' advice on previous threads to at least surrender custody of your older son to his dad, where he is safe.

This home, this life you are all living because you don't want to leave this man, is not safe. Not even close.

Oh, and I hope social services do get involved. They absolutely need to be.

Repeat poster then I take it @lilaco ffs people invest and it comes down to this bollocks

This is the worst/most frustrating one as the minute she is recognised she disappears again, then name changes and returns. Maybe it's an attention thing, because she has had all the Women's Aid/UC calculator/Freedom Programme links literally dozens of times, along with hundreds upon hundreds of supportive posts, from women trying to help her.

She doesn't want it though, right @Lostandsearching?

She wants to stay with an older, wealthy doctor who cheats on and bullies her and abuses her children. She needs to own her choice, and someone in her life needs to get her children away from them both, and this toxic environment.