Anxious attachment or intuition?

[summerin69]

Hi

Sorry - long post but can someone talk me back from feeling anxious about a new relationship please.

I've just started dating someone and after 8 weeks I've started to have feelings for them. Up until now I've been feeling in control and not letting my feelings develop.

Now though - this is when I start to feel quite vulnerable and anxious and find it hard to read signals and communication.

Everything has been great so far - and I've kept my emotions in check due to past relationships where I've ignored red flags, been with a narcissist etc. So I've been careful about this one.

He has been very sweet and shown active interest - messaging a lot etc and also telling me how he feels. We seem to both be on the same page.

His communication style is very different to mine and I find it hard to read. He can be quite shy and doesn't always express himself fully.

Over the weekend we had the most romantic date and he has talked about me being his girlfriend and we somewhat agreed that we were at this stage.

On Monday though - we had a date that wasn't so great. We went on a dog walk in my area which is very rural. Our dogs got on great - so that was good. But bf was clearly out of his comfort zone - and didn't enjoy country life so much. He was worried about his dog in the long grass with all the grass seed etc (he doesn't have children and his dog is his baby really).

He said: if I'm 100% honest I wouldn't go on this dog walk again (meaning he would be open to other dog walks).

I've been a people pleaser in the past - and old me would have felt somewhat to blame for some reason. But I brushed it off - it was good to see how he handled a situation like this - and I probably would have handled it better (been a bit more gracious).

We ended up in the pub and we had a nice time - and we talked about the weekend and also plans to travel etc. So... all good.

Yesterday he texted me quite a bit but I was late to respond. He was then off Whatsapp from late evening. I sent a couple of messages but he didn't see them till this morning.

I joked - are you asleep or having a wild time on the town.

His response this morning was: Morning - was binge watching TV.

I dunno - that felt a bit off. Like he'd gone from texting a lot to that?

I asked how he was, knowing he's super busy. He replied - all good, looking forward to seeing you on Friday.

He's since texted saying he's retweeted some of my tweets - which is helpful.

However, I just can't get over an uneasy feeling that something has changed. If we hadn't had the not so great date on Monday I probably wouldn't be feeling like this but....

This is typical me - I get anxious about this kind of communication. Where it goes cold for a bit. Or I imagine it's going cold.

I don't want to get into a tizz where I go from feeling anxious to reassured - that's how I managed to fall for a narcissist.

So... am I just being anxious about past hurts? Or is my intuition picking up on narc behaviour?

It feels like a mixed message:
I'm looking forward to seeing you on Friday.
But not on whatsapp, not messaging... I dunno.

I hate this - and i get this intense urge to just call it quits and end it before he gets the chance. I know!!

Based on what you've written here, no, you don't have grounds to think he's lost interested - and certainly not to think something as extreme as him being a narcissist.

People have different attitudes to communications, particularly if they are moving from being single with no obligations to a relationship. Perhaps you can pick a moment to ask to establish some guardrails around texting.

Aw OP. What I'd suggest is you plan something fun with your friends and take your focus off of wanting him to reassure you/make you feel better and instead you do that for yourself. Because no matter what happens you will be okay, with him, with someone else, on your own. It will all work out. Go and see your friends and have fun.

I definitely would not have a conversation about putting in rules for texting! You could say you okay, you seem a bit quiet, but nothing more than that and plan something with your mates first.

Hi, I don't have much help to offer but I am very keen to see the replies :)

I hope you don't mind me asking, how did you come to the conclusion you were dating a narcissist? I'm currently trying to work out if I am, or if it is my attachment styles and anxiety making me think I am.

Thank you!

My best advice is to make plans without him and cool off a bit. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. If he’s really keen on you he’ll go to great efforts to see you and in my
experience it’s always better to have a man slightly keener then you are.
whilst he might well be into you, remember it’s new and he’s probably just as unsure as you are. You’re still getting to know one another and by the sounds of it he’s been a bachelor for a while just him and his dog so is likely to be more cautious about getting into deep straight away. I wouldn’t take his relaxed approach as anything serious, just go with the flow and what will be will be

Your question "Anxious Attachment or Intuition?" can both be true. You "anxiously attach" and your intuition could be telling you something has changed.
You will survive whatever happens. Just let it play out.

Personally I hate endless text messages and would much rather speak, there's just too much that can be read into a text. Could you not just call and say hello each day?

Later - he sent me a photo of himself in his uniform - (yes, he looked very nice!) and I replied that he looked very handsome.

Crickets... no acknowledgement to that, nothing.

In the end I texted - is everything okay, you seem busy today, hope all is good?

He replied - "Hiya, everything great" and then we had a short text convo - and then he texted before bed with "night xx"

So I think for him - he's thinking - I told her she's my girlfriend, I told her I'm looking forward to seeing her... what's the problem? Not realising the full-blown melt down I've just had!! 😂

@BH701 . my ex husband was a narcissist - love bombed me at the start then became very controlling, put me down all the time until I lost all confidence. The relationship became very abusive - emotionally and physically.

I finally managed to leave with my two young children and managed to have a very emotionally healthy relationship after that. However I know a part of me might be susceptible to narcs - as I've in the past had issues with people pleasing (narcs love them!). A recent relationship - while he wasn't a narcissist (because he did have empathy), he was very insecure and controlling and once again I lost myself a little bit in efforts to keep him happy.

I'm very aware of my triggers and that stuff that happens in the present might trigger old wounds so I make sure I pause before I react emotionally to what I think might be 'danger' signals.

Yesterday when I posted I was actually having a full blown anxiety attack - the first I've had in years. 1) That shows me I still have work to do, 2) that there's something going on here where I don't feel 'safe' and 3) that I must actually be starting to care about this man - which might answer point no 2.

Everything in me wants to pack all my bags and run away to Greece - because I feel vulnerable and scared I'll be hurt.

@Livelifelaughter I agree - would much rather speak to someone. Texts can so easily be misread and misunderstood - I like to see the whites of someone's eyes when I'm communicating something important 😆

@Mumtothreegirlies I agree - I always feel more secure when the guy is chasing - which he was. But there is always a moment in relationships I've had where I start to feel something - usually about the time the guy starts to relax into the relationship feeling secure, I start to get anxious. I hate the feeling, it's hideous.

Thank you @EcoChica1980 and @CattyCattle - your very kind words were so helpful. I think it's because he told me he's told his work colleagues he has a girlfriend (me obvs!) followed by a really not so great date - makes me just anxious. But I'm trying to focus on the texts where he reaffirms - "looking forward to seeing you on Friday" etc.

This is my issue - not his. I need to work on myself. I'm not sure how much of the anxiety I experience in the early days of a relationship I should reveal to him - he is very caring, but don't want to scare him off... well, not this soon!! 😂

The only thing I would say is not to neglect or devalue your own needs..I have an anxious attachment style. I would have a melt down if my bf didn't send a message or do X Y Z looking back on it a lot of what I was asking for wasn't actually unreasonable.

Think you need to chill a bit.

Also, even if there was a change in his behaviour or feelings for you, why would that point towards him being a narcissist? People can go off you/have bad days/be a bit grumpy ect without having a pathological disorder.

Chill back on the texting. It's difficult to interpret people via text. If you're messaging so much and every day there's going to be misunderstandings, it's a given. You shouldn't need to live in his back pocket.

Choose a different dog walk area next time.
It's fine. Chill.

Another one for not texting. The only times me and dp misunderstand one another and it leads to an unintentional falling out - is over text. Call instead and leave texts for basic stuff.

All sounds pretty normal to me. I think it’s just your insecurities. Wouldn’t you always feel like this? If so, perhaps trying to get to the bottom of it may help.

@Pinkbonbon not saying he’s a narc - only that my experience of narcs has made me more triggered by certain behaviours. My worry is he’s going off me. Which, as you say, happens.

I think you need to talk through your mismatched communication styles. I’m not on social media and I find WhatsApp really intrusive because of the expectation that you should always be available.

Rationally you do know that being offline for an evening doesn’t correlate to losing interest.

Agree with pp that things seem to be going well and it's anxieties. What did you mean he should have been more 'gracious' in not liking the walk? Not being armchair psych but is this and people pleasing linked to childhood and parents expectations?
I use the helicopter approach when I get anxious, (not the parenting style!) I try and take myself out of it, and think how I would see this as an impartial observer?
Also noticed Yesterday he texted me quite a bit but I was late to respond. what's late to respond to you?

@AgentJohnson Yes, I agree. I actually don't mind if someone doesn't reply immediately - I know people are busy etc. It's more that the content of my message was a little bit sappy/romantic - it wasn't that he didn't reply immediately, more that when he did, there was no acknowledgment - i.e. thank you or even a smiley face emoji to show that my comment had registered.

He went straight on to something else/changed the subject. He did this 3 times. So - I just wanted to get to the bottom of - is this just because he's uncomfortable being mushy - 0r that he doesn't actually feel the same way.

I'm a big proponent of more communication - not less. I'd like to know how someone feels - even if it's negative. I hate trying to guess. But I respect people's different ways of communicating.

@MichelleScarn I think I mean - roles reverse, since it's still early days, he's taken me places I've not enjoyed 100% but I appreciate the effort he's put into it and that it's somewhere he likes, so I don't want to ruin the enjoyment for him.

I guess - that could be people pleasing. There's a fine line between being gracious/having manners and bending over backwards to keep someone happy.

If he took me somewhere that actually made me feel really uncomfortable then I would say something. And now on reflection - I can see that's what he was doing. He was worried about his dog. So it's good he said it - just the way it came across stung a bit (that part is me).

UPDATE: If anyone is interested? 😬

I'm posting partly because it helps to get this out, also to get kind and sound insight from others - but also because maybe others might relate and find it useful?

I thought I'd really recovered from past relationships but what last week taught me is I still have some work to do.

I had gotten over my narcissistic ex and did a lot of work to recover from that. I think my relationship after that though really did get under my skin. He was very insecure and I found myself walking on eggshells all the time to keep him happy - he controlled with emotional manipulation.

I know that the more I reveal to new guy, the more vulnerable I feel because I am on alert for any signs of him saying something that might indicate he wants to change something about me - like my previous relationships.

So, I have this argument in my head when he does something that I question: a) is this me being too sensitive or b) am I justifying questionable behaviour by blaming myself for being too sensitive?

As you can imagine, this gets exhausting.

I've just had a lovely couple of days with new bf - and once again, we kind of solidified that we're now 'girlfriend/boyfriend' (I'm aware of how childish that sounds!) And it was just lovely. He couldn't have been more complimentary.

When I got home I sent him some photos of me from younger days... because he'd asked about seeing some.

Once again though this morning the anxiety is still there: no message from him - no comment about photos, no reply to last message. But I can see him messaging on another group (work stuff). So I think: did I overshare? Does he even like the photos? What if he says something about not liking me with short hair!

See, how awful that gets? When I'm not emotionally involved I'm actually confident and say: tough, this is me, and I like myself. When emotions get involved though, I lose that somehow.

I'm actually okay this morning because I am reminding myself of the nice times this weekend - but I am conscious of my thoughts and an edge of anxiety, like - we had a nice weekend, wouldn't the first thing you do when you wake up be texting your girlfriend to say hi?

Is this me being insecure or him not having the emotional IQ to communicate properly with someone?

I know - that's what anxiety does to you!

My triggers come from:
I was saying goodbye to a boyfriend at the train station as he was going for a uni intv in Leeds. At the last minute, my friend turned up - and they ended up on the same train for 4 hours talking. He then dumped me for her the very next week. I had this sixth sense when I saw her arrive that this was going to happen. A horrible feeling of dread. So I do tend to get these feelings that something is not quite right and they do tend to come true! Or - more rationally - I focus on the ones that do!

Another time, I was at a hotel with an ex on my birthday but at breakfast he very clumsily said that he wished he hadn't left his first wife. I had to get up and leave the table for a minute because I felt sick. I took that to mean: I miss my ex wife more than I value you.

And then various triggers about being told what to wear, how to behave etc.

Sorry for long post. I do have a life outside this relationship, honest! But anxiety does tend to get a grip.

I'm going to spend today with old friends who know me so I can relax and focus on something else.

Actually OP I think you're blaming yourself and your past and triggers completely unnecessarily.

Who wouldn't text their new gf good morning and compliment her about the photos that you asked to see.

I now think he's playing games.

@CattyCattle see, that's the kind of perspective I need.

I'm not sure he's playing games - but wondering if he's kind of not quite emotionally in tune?

or if he's having second thoughts.

i go round and round - but as you say, I would expect him to at least message.
I get all this connection when I am with him - and then - when we're apart, it's very scrappy.

I really don't feel like his gf based on his text comms.

@CattyCattle how do I handle this while standing up for myself and what I think is appropriate - but not coming across as an insecure loon?

I don't know.

I think the opposite - you sound insecure and needy.

Sometimes I watch TV all evening and don't reply to anyone (including DP) for hours - because I am binge watching. And that's ok.

Similarly I don't always reply to messages immediately because I am doing something else. On a Sunday morning that could be snoozing. I might answer a message if it pops up whilst I'm checking the time - but I won't necessarily answer anything that may lead to long conversations.

You said you had a nice few days - that's great! It doesn't mean he has to respond immediately.

It's actually healthy that very new relationships aren't the absolute focus. He has a life, friends, sleep, laundry, housework, hobbies, and other messages to answer.

Stop overthinking or you'll ruin it.

I think in an established relationship the commitment is there. That's why it's easier not to reach conclusions about why a message isn't answered or similar. In the early stages of a relationship you're learning about each other but also you want to show interest and enthusiasm.

OP it's quite common for anxiously attached people to be in relationships with avoidants. I am anxiously attached and my ex was avoidant. I didn't know my attachment style until I was in the relationship. I kept on thinking I was needy and clingy but I wasn't, to his credit he would say I wasn't. But I tended to neglect my own needs because of the label of anxious attachment.
One of the things about avoidants is an inconsistency; he was incredibly attentive and charming when we were together but then wouldn't call sometimes. Just protect your heart OP.

I would text something funny like - oh no you've forgot about me already! My pictures didn't leave you dreaming of me all night then! 😭😭😭 - or something similar that you would say. He will get the hint but in a funny way.

I recognise these behaviours and thought responses and (for what it’s worth , I’m not an expert ) I think that
1 you text / post things for a particular response that you have consciously / unconsciously decided is what you will hear / want to hear
2 your self esteem and self worth needs (and is hoping for ) particular responses
3 when they don’t come exactly how you’re hoping , you feel crushed and start to doubt him. When infact there could be any number of responses that would be reasonable
4 the only way to get the responses you need is to tell him what you want
which in itself becomes needy and exhausting for you both . And doesn’t allow either of you to just be. Some men will be more or less gushy / communicative and it’s just for you to to decide if you’re ok with the communication style .
I have done exactly this in past relationships and it has always said far more about how I feel about myself that anything else .
If you’re thinking of sending him something (eg a picture ) try to think what response would disappoint you and if you think you couldn’t handle a different response, don’t send it.
Maybe send a text because you want to say something not because you want something back in return.
Hope it works out for you