Anxious attachment or intuition?

[summerin69]

Hi

Sorry - long post but can someone talk me back from feeling anxious about a new relationship please.

I've just started dating someone and after 8 weeks I've started to have feelings for them. Up until now I've been feeling in control and not letting my feelings develop.

Now though - this is when I start to feel quite vulnerable and anxious and find it hard to read signals and communication.

Everything has been great so far - and I've kept my emotions in check due to past relationships where I've ignored red flags, been with a narcissist etc. So I've been careful about this one.

He has been very sweet and shown active interest - messaging a lot etc and also telling me how he feels. We seem to both be on the same page.

His communication style is very different to mine and I find it hard to read. He can be quite shy and doesn't always express himself fully.

Over the weekend we had the most romantic date and he has talked about me being his girlfriend and we somewhat agreed that we were at this stage.

On Monday though - we had a date that wasn't so great. We went on a dog walk in my area which is very rural. Our dogs got on great - so that was good. But bf was clearly out of his comfort zone - and didn't enjoy country life so much. He was worried about his dog in the long grass with all the grass seed etc (he doesn't have children and his dog is his baby really).

He said: if I'm 100% honest I wouldn't go on this dog walk again (meaning he would be open to other dog walks).

I've been a people pleaser in the past - and old me would have felt somewhat to blame for some reason. But I brushed it off - it was good to see how he handled a situation like this - and I probably would have handled it better (been a bit more gracious).

We ended up in the pub and we had a nice time - and we talked about the weekend and also plans to travel etc. So... all good.

Yesterday he texted me quite a bit but I was late to respond. He was then off Whatsapp from late evening. I sent a couple of messages but he didn't see them till this morning.

I joked - are you asleep or having a wild time on the town.

His response this morning was: Morning - was binge watching TV.

I dunno - that felt a bit off. Like he'd gone from texting a lot to that?

I asked how he was, knowing he's super busy. He replied - all good, looking forward to seeing you on Friday.

He's since texted saying he's retweeted some of my tweets - which is helpful.

However, I just can't get over an uneasy feeling that something has changed. If we hadn't had the not so great date on Monday I probably wouldn't be feeling like this but....

This is typical me - I get anxious about this kind of communication. Where it goes cold for a bit. Or I imagine it's going cold.

I don't want to get into a tizz where I go from feeling anxious to reassured - that's how I managed to fall for a narcissist.

So... am I just being anxious about past hurts? Or is my intuition picking up on narc behaviour?

It feels like a mixed message:
I'm looking forward to seeing you on Friday.
But not on whatsapp, not messaging... I dunno.

I hate this - and i get this intense urge to just call it quits and end it before he gets the chance. I know!!

Its good you have acknowledged some of it is you, due to past trauma. However, I. An see how confusing it is when he doesn’t even reply to stuff like when you sent photos he asked for!

Soon you will get to the point where the man asks for old photos and you don't send them.

@Celynfour I think this is an excellent piece of advice. You’re right. Because I’m sensing a change in mood (whether harmless or a sign he’s losing interest), my attachment to the outcome and his response is probably more loaded.

I think I’ve stuffed up tbh.

oh well.

You haven't stuffed up, but @Celynfour has summed it up perfectly. You have already jumped to the conclusion that he doesn't like your photos, is losing interest etc, all because he hasn't rushed to compliment you. Rationally this isn't likely after your lovely weekend together. Slow down and try to stop making assumptions. I think you still need work on your anxious attachment style as you will drive yourself crazy with all this overthinking. I do get it, l have been there as am a big overthinker but it is exhausting.

I agree @Seaoftroubles - but not looking for him to ‘rush to compliment me’ - just acknowledge.

and thinking about it - when you’re new with someone don’t you just want to text them all the time just to have that connection - it’s not about getting a certain type of response. It’s just about getting A response to keep the exciting connection going.

It’s only been a few weeks not months:

I understand that people have different communication styles. All I’m saying is that his words don’t match his actions.

One final post - I had a big event last night that he was part of organising. He said he would call me at 9pm afterwards. Then he texted at 8:20 to say he would call me at 10pm when he got home. I waited - nothing.

i then had a chat with a friend who is going through some tough stuff. Finally he texts me at midnight: “ Night xx.”

it we had been together for months then I’d sort of get it. But it’s only been a few weeks.

If I say I’m going to call someone at a certain time I do, or text them if I’m not going to be able to. I understand that people get busy or tied up.

But I respect people’s time and do what I say I’m going to do - Especially if this is someone special to me.

Does that not count for anything these days?

I shouldn’t have to spend time and energy trying to work out someone’s behaviour the way I have been doing.

I actually don’t think I’m being too sensitive. As per previous posts - avoidant people make even the most rational people anxious and confused.

I think his behaviour is inconsistent and that's why it's creating anxiety aside from your anxious attachment style. I suspect, he has commitment issues/avoidant attachment style. My ex exhibited this behaviour after a few months, I had to explain that if I didn't hear from him it made me worried that something might have happened to him, it improved but I think it was too much of an effort. You can talk to him, but honestly to me it sounds like he's either moving away from the relationship, isn't committed or just thinks that it's all cool.