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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mental illness and abuse

36 replies

NCfortonight · 05/07/2023 12:12

Imagine your partner had a personality disorder and/or mental illness throughout your relationship of almost 2 decades. You tried to get them to address their issues but they wouldn't. You found yourself colluding with their behaviours to keep the peace, at the expense of your own mental wellbeing and ultimately making a bad situation worse.

Their disorder led to an action that you absolutely could not forgive so finally you pull the plug. This seems to have prompted an epiphany in the partner who is now, finally, making serious efforts to address their issues (counselling). It made them reach rock bottom so to speak.

The partner is now saying that all of their bad behaviour was due to their disorder/illness. Now that they are addressing that they deserve another chance. The fact that you put up with so many years of bad treatment shows that you have issues to address too so the failure of the relationship is not entirely the partner's fault.

Would you allow them another chance?

OP posts:
Original poster
NCfortonight · 05/07/2023 15:50

bumping for advice

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 05/07/2023 16:05

Hell no.

What does it matter WHY the are abusive?

You don't owe anyone more chances once they've abused you.

Imo often personality disorders don't necessarily fall under mental illness. They're just a term for the certain personality you have. Psychopaths and ppl with npd for example, are not illness. It's just who.they.are. Pathological bullies who mean you harm.

Is common for abusers to blame things like alcohol or mental illness for their actions. Funny though how they never seem to want to seek help to stop abusing you though right?

If I thought my issues made me hurt a partner I'd separate from thar partner and get serious help. Not put them at risk. Or hurt them emotionally.

Because I'm not an evil cunt.

You don't owe an abuser anything.
Run. Be free.

Ffs it's been 20 years of this horseshit!
They.will.never.change.

Pinkbonbon · 05/07/2023 16:13

Yes you are right btw, you do have issues too - you've been abused for 20 years. You don't resolve that by continuing with your abuser.
You resolve that by finally gettling free.
And seeking some individual therapy to help you unpick why you stayed so long. And help you recover from 20 years of abuse.

Tell him 'I'm glad you've worked out that you need help. I wish you all the best with your journey. But it is a journey you will be taking alone'.

And take your own journey too. A one way ticket as far away from that utter arsehole as possible.

massiveclamps · 05/07/2023 16:16

Not another chance, no. Not for a long time, and not until they have completely changed as a person.

They are not going to be able to address their issues if they are still with the person who tolerated their abuse for years (I won't say enabled, but it amounts to much the same thing). They will be able to slip back into old habits very easily.

Fudgeandcaramel · 05/07/2023 16:19

From what you’ve written, their stance suggests they have a way to go on the taking personal responsibility front, which would make me wary.

Pinkbonbon · 05/07/2023 16:21

Even the fact that he has the cheek to say he deserves another chance. What the fuck!

No, you do not deserve another chance after abusing someone for 20 years.

He's only 'seeking help' to con you into taking him back.

He treated you like shit all that time and didn't care because it suited him. What's changed? You said enough was enough. And he realised he'd have to try to pretend to get help in rider to con you back. Because otherwise, his cushy life would change.

He doesn't care about you.
He just wants his comfortable life and little under the thumb victim back.

Don't be fooled.

You don't owe this bully anything.
You do owe yourself your freedom though. Fight for it. Keep him gone.

bumblebee2235 · 05/07/2023 16:27

No.. there is a difference between going to therapy to change behaviours OR engaging with therapy to change behaviours, better yourself and ACCEPT responsibility for your own problems and those around you that you have hurt..

They're passing the buck, that's not true recovery

OldBeller · 05/07/2023 16:31

No way. And he's not abusive because he has a personality disorder. He's abusive because he doesn't mind hurting you to get what he wants.

Otherwise everyone with a personality disorder would be abusive and that certainly isn't true. I know some extremely kind and lovely people who have a quite serious diagnosis of one or more personality disorders.

If he wanted to change, he would have been working on his behaviour many years ago. He doesn't want to change. He wants to say whatever you need to hear in order to get you back. Then when you come back, he'll know even this "unforgivable" behaviour isn't a boundary for you.

Original poster
NCfortonight · 05/07/2023 16:31

Thank you for all your responses. I know I need to stick to my guns. I think I just need to hear it from someone else.

OP posts:
Iamkittycat · 05/07/2023 16:33

I've been there and, no, absolutely not.

It's just an extreme version of hoovering/love bombing.

Original poster
NCfortonight · 05/07/2023 16:33

I'm not actually doubting myself, I'm just exhausted with explaining myself to him all the time. He's telling me I'm rushing (I want to sell the house ASAP and buy my own place). He's telling me I should reconsider for the sake of the children. His abuse was emotional, not physical (I know that's not ok, just to give more context)

OP posts:
Original poster
NCfortonight · 05/07/2023 16:34

Iamkittycat · 05/07/2023 16:33

I've been there and, no, absolutely not.

It's just an extreme version of hoovering/love bombing.

Sorry you have been where I am. It's bloody awful.

OP posts:
massiveclamps · 05/07/2023 16:38

NCfortonight · 05/07/2023 16:33

I'm not actually doubting myself, I'm just exhausted with explaining myself to him all the time. He's telling me I'm rushing (I want to sell the house ASAP and buy my own place). He's telling me I should reconsider for the sake of the children. His abuse was emotional, not physical (I know that's not ok, just to give more context)

He abused you, and by extension the children too. Kids don't live in a vacuum, and you do not want them growing up believing that this sort of relationship is normal.

Please don't reconsider.

OldBeller · 05/07/2023 16:39

I've recently had to make a similar decision myself, so I understand how hard it is. But it's worth it.

Draw a line now about how you expect to be treated with respect. If anyone ever crosses that line, put them in a bin and chuck it in the ocean. Those people never change. Especially when there are no consequences for their bad behaviour.

You'll feel so proud of yourself for doing this and it'll boost your confidence and self esteem. I bet a year from now, you'll be doing so much better from unpicking their toxicity from your consciousness.

Pinkbonbon · 05/07/2023 16:40

NCfortonight · 05/07/2023 16:33

I'm not actually doubting myself, I'm just exhausted with explaining myself to him all the time. He's telling me I'm rushing (I want to sell the house ASAP and buy my own place). He's telling me I should reconsider for the sake of the children. His abuse was emotional, not physical (I know that's not ok, just to give more context)

Give yourself permission to stop explaining.

He gets it. He understands. He just doesn't want you to know that.

He wants you stuck on the merry go round if defending your choices and trying to make him understand.

Look up the 'grey rock' technique for dealing with him. Might be useful in the short term.

And remember 'no' and 'because I don't want to' are full answers on their own. They do not need further explanation or defending.

OldBeller · 05/07/2023 16:44

NCfortonight · 05/07/2023 16:33

I'm not actually doubting myself, I'm just exhausted with explaining myself to him all the time. He's telling me I'm rushing (I want to sell the house ASAP and buy my own place). He's telling me I should reconsider for the sake of the children. His abuse was emotional, not physical (I know that's not ok, just to give more context)

Don't explain yourself either. It doesn't matter what he thinks. PP who said to grey rock is giving excellent advice.

And it hardly sounds like he has changed. He's still trying to needle you, guilt trip you, and clearly doesn't respect your autonomy.

Pinkbonbon · 05/07/2023 16:47

And the kids will have a better life without seeing their mother abused. They deserve a mother who says no to his bs too. So they can see that they too, should never stay with abusers. And that abuse should never be tolerated. Couldn't harm to do the freedom programme online yourself and with them if they are old enough.

OhBling · 05/07/2023 16:48

The partner is now saying that all of their bad behaviour was due to their disorder/illness. Now that they are addressing that they deserve another chance. The fact that you put up with so many years of bad treatment shows that you have issues to address too so the failure of the relationship is not entirely the partner's fault.

The thing is that this paragraph offers lots of "either/or" type options.

So, the behaviour being due to the disorder/illness.... that might well be true, and certainly would have been an exacerbating factor

"Deserve another chance": alarm bells ringing hugely here. If the sentence was, "really believes that they can improve and that dealing with the mental disorder means that they would really like a second chance", it might be something I'd be sympathetic to.

"The fact that you put up with so many years of bad treatment shows that you have issues to address too so the failure of the relationship is not entirely the partner's fault." - WOW, this one is kind of mind blowing. So, becuase you were abused and what, didn't divorce them immediately, then you are to blame? hahahahaha, talk about victim blaming.

So no, stick to your guns.

If your ex is really remorseful and really wants to get back together, they can start from scratch and show you, repeatedly, how they've changed. I wouldn't hold your breath though.

IcedBananas · 05/07/2023 16:50

No. They only stopped abusing you because they couldn’t get away with it anymore. As soon as you are vulnerable again (so they can get away with it again) the abuse will recommence and then you may not be able to get out so easily (imagine you’re ill, frail, dependent on them for care or financially dependent on them- how would you leave). This is based on my experience of someone with NPD. Save yourself now while you can.

Ilikejamtarts · 05/07/2023 16:52

I am in a similar situation although not as long as your relationship (4 years) I debated with myself for a long time On giving a 2nd chance and some may think I'm mad but I chose yes and I don't regret it In the slightest. Seeing how things are now panning out since the right mental health services have been put in place, I would have been kicking myself if i chose to walk away. If you really are unsure and are happy to go into more detail you're welcome to message me. Or Evan of you'd just like someone to talk to that has been through similar my inbox is open 🙂

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 05/07/2023 16:54

No. Not because he has issues, but because for 20 years neither you or your children mattered enough for him to get help and stop abusing you/being horrible. The fact that he jumped right into it once divorce was on the table it shows that it was a choice. A deliberate choice for 20 years to treat you like shit and not get help.

Second chance? He's had 20 years worth of chances.

Original poster
NCfortonight · 05/07/2023 16:58

Ilikejamtarts · 05/07/2023 16:52

I am in a similar situation although not as long as your relationship (4 years) I debated with myself for a long time On giving a 2nd chance and some may think I'm mad but I chose yes and I don't regret it In the slightest. Seeing how things are now panning out since the right mental health services have been put in place, I would have been kicking myself if i chose to walk away. If you really are unsure and are happy to go into more detail you're welcome to message me. Or Evan of you'd just like someone to talk to that has been through similar my inbox is open 🙂

I think if after 4 years he had done something about it I might have been open to considering it. After nearly 20 years I have nothing left to give.

OP posts:
CurlyQueues · 05/07/2023 16:59

I'm not actually doubting myself, I'm just exhausted with explaining myself to him all the time.

Do you have to? You've told him once. If he's constantly badgering you can you make all contact through solicitors? You certainly don't need to respond to his every contact. Definitely not when he's still criticising decisions you're making for the good of you and your children.

These apparent changes he's suddenly making? Never trust him.

bonsoirmonami · 05/07/2023 16:59

Even if the abusive behaviour was caused by mental illness, it doesn't mean it was ok or that they deserve a second chance.
I wouldn't even entertain them. Look forward.

frozendaisy · 05/07/2023 17:07

God no.

If he had really wanted to show you love he would have addressed this as soon as he knew he loved you and didn't want you living under this cloud.

Now you have gone he has to do everything on his own and only now can see how much you gave. And he doesn't like not having it. So he is happy to further manipulate you back into line where he wants you.

Up to you if you walk back into his web.

Me, personally, would wish him well and hope he can respond with similar courtesy.

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