Mental illness and abuse

[NCfortonight]

Imagine your partner had a personality disorder and/or mental illness throughout your relationship of almost 2 decades. You tried to get them to address their issues but they wouldn't. You found yourself colluding with their behaviours to keep the peace, at the expense of your own mental wellbeing and ultimately making a bad situation worse.

Their disorder led to an action that you absolutely could not forgive so finally you pull the plug. This seems to have prompted an epiphany in the partner who is now, finally, making serious efforts to address their issues (counselling). It made them reach rock bottom so to speak.

The partner is now saying that all of their bad behaviour was due to their disorder/illness. Now that they are addressing that they deserve another chance. The fact that you put up with so many years of bad treatment shows that you have issues to address too so the failure of the relationship is not entirely the partner's fault.

Would you allow them another chance?

People with personality disorders are not insane, they know what they are doing, and obviously can adjust their behaviour according to potential consequences. Remove the consequence and you're back to the square one.

You could get him off your back a bit by saying yes you might also have issues but you will face them without staying with part of the reason you have them and deal with them going forward alone.

Rip the plaster off OP, say you are not going to give him false hope. It's time to separate. Get the admin started. The kids will be ok.

Heck no

It may be a reason for behaviour but it doesn't justify or excuse it and you sure as hell don't tell a victim of your abuse that they should give you another chance because it wasn't your fault

20 years is beyond I can learn to do better- 20 is years is a very solid engraved pattern and dynamic that won't change with you, every stress is going to send him right back to what he's always done

Their behaviour won’t change and you don’t want to be waiting round for their ‘recovery’. Go no contact or lowest possible contact if children involved and save yourself. Love yourself today and get out!

I can understand that. 4 years of it has drained me mentally and caused a lot of resentment and that can be hard to come back from. I don't think I could have held out much longer if my partner hadn't have gotten himself some help so how you've managed 20 years of it I really don't know 😞 that's a long time to be taking the brunt of someone else's problems and I'm sure you've tried your absolute hardest over the years to push him to help himself and your relationship. You've got to remember as well that just because he is willing to get help that doesn't mean all the abuse stops instantly, you are still going to have bad days with him and from what you've already said it sounds as though you are totally deflated and drained. You have stood by him for 20 years but he didn't help himself all that time so you owe him nothing and you certainly shouldn't consider a 2nd chance being an option if you don't think your own mental health can take anymore bad days with him

No no no no no.
You stand firm.
This is typical behaviour and head-messing understandably but do not believe it. The 'intention' may well be there but the ability to change is highly unlikely. Not to mention your tolerance is understandably at breaking point. Why should you have to put up with the stress of just waiting for him to step out of line again?
Read Why Does He Do That? (free online here:
chrome-extension://gphandlahdpffmccakmbngmbjnjiiahp/https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Thank you! I have been looking for this book as it was recommended to me before.

I highly recommend reading it. He hits the nail right on the head.

Only problem with recommending bankroft imo is he talks about the most violent offenders.

It's good if you can look at it and go 'hey I recognise similar patterns of behaviour from my ex'. But not if you look at it and go 'well my ex wasn't THAT bad. Maybe I could give him another chance'. I'd honestly leave it until you and the ex are well and truly over. Once you're completely out of any fog he trapped you in.

Imo bankroft is a hard read too. I keep picking it up trying to finish it but it takes a lot out of you.

I prefer to just stick to YouTube videos on npd. And similar. Doctor ramani has good stuff.

Infact, there's also a two hour ish thing on YouTube by lundy bankroft in person i think though. Definitely worth a watch. Less...tough going than the book xD

We don’t get what we deserve in life, so whether he deserves another chance or not is a red herring. You can agree “yes, yes you deserve a second chance, but with a second wife not me because I have nothing left to give” and that’s perfectly alright. Deserving something doesn’t mean we are entitled to it if it is not in the power of the other person or persons to give. That’s simply life.

So, whether I’d give a partner like that another chance would depend on whether I was able to do it. I can’t imagine I would be. 20yrs of living with it while he was in denial is enough to completely drain and fatigue anyone beyond the point of no return. I’d be thinking like you that it is too little and too late. And this isn’t something you really have a choice in, if you can’t do it, you can’t do it.

I didn't find it hard to read at all. And while he does talk about offenders, all abusers have the same thing in common - selfishness and entitlement.