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Original poster

Do angry, violent men ever change?

30 replies

BlastedPimples · 05/07/2023 09:04

My stbx was angry and violent occasionally. Drove scarily too. Frightening for me and the dcs.

He's seeing a psychiatrist and is on medication now. Says he had a nervous breakdown and has ADHD.

I detest the man. He's a pathological liar and abusive. The dcs don't want to see him either.

I'm thinking in terms of safety for any future contact with the dcs if they ever want to see him again. Do they ever change?

He's got a new gf - started during our marriage - and if he's not angry and violent with her, then it's me and the dcs who triggered his rage, right?

OP posts:
barbarahunter · 05/07/2023 09:08

In my experience, no they do not change. I would think you'd have to seek specialist advice about your children.

barbarahunter · 05/07/2023 09:09

And I'd bet anything it was not you and children who triggered his rage.

Drews · 05/07/2023 09:10

Probably not and I wouldn't be hanging around to find out.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/07/2023 09:11

No such men do not change and he will start on his next targeted person ie his girlfriend soon enough. And as for he talking about mental breakdowns and ADHD, that’s just a further insult to those who have been for all diagnosed with ADHD and who have suffered mental breakdowns. It remains no excuse or justification for his behaviour. Your children have voted with their feet and you need to put far more emotional distance between you and this man.

pointythings · 05/07/2023 09:15

He is talking bollocks. My DS has ADHD. He is not violent and aggressive. It's insulting to blame ADHD for awful behaviour.

TheFTrain · 05/07/2023 09:25

No.

I know various men who have been convicted of domestic violence, have restraining orders and have been blocked from seeing their kids because of coercive control issues. I think the signs were there early on (even from being teenagers) and although they may not repeat offend so blatantly I would not trust any of them. On the face of it they now look like well behaved citizens but if you speak to their ex-partners there are many, many ongoing issues.

Backstreets · 05/07/2023 09:26

He’s not angry with the gf NOW. At least not that you’re privy to.

Channellingsophistication · 05/07/2023 09:27

I’m sure he will be be angry & violent with a new gf as well. It’s not you its him…

Original poster
BlastedPimples · 05/07/2023 11:46

I mean I know it's not our fault he's an angry violent man.

I get that. It's his responsibility. And his claims of ADHD and a nervous breakdown are barmy but seem to be backed up by his psychiatrist.

He's busy trying to blame 'conditions' for his appalling behaviour over the years.

But if the kids do decide to see him, I will then have to seek supervised access.

My youngest is 11 and then 14 and then 17 and 18. So the older two are fine. It's the younger ones I'm scared for.

OP posts:
Frith2013 · 05/07/2023 11:48

Why are you talking/listening to him?

bunhead1979 · 05/07/2023 11:52

In my experience they don't change. The circumstances can change so they are less triggered, if there are less reasons to be reactive. But I'd say that instinct doesn't go or become controlled, it maybe just comes to light more often.

JamSandle · 05/07/2023 11:56

Not worth hanging around to find out.

overitunderit · 05/07/2023 11:58

I do believe people can change.

Perhaps he is doing some work on himself to try and understand his behaviour and find solutions to prevent it from happening again.

However, just because he may have changed doesn't mean you're required to forgive and forget.

Weefreetiffany · 05/07/2023 11:59

never say never, but what does it matter to your life here and now? Don’t let him worm his way back in. Then he gets the control back that he’s always felt he deserved and you and your kids undo all the good of getting away from him to bed back on a piece of string at his beck and call. Except now he has the “poor me” narrative to squash you with. Some bridges can’t be uncrossed. Don’t chance it.

pickledandpuzzled · 05/07/2023 12:02

If he has changed he'll understand he needs to earn everyone's trust, including his kids, and won't pressure anyone into anything.

BoohooWoohoo · 05/07/2023 12:04

A judge would listen to your kids because of their age.

They don't change ime. My ex was much better when he stopped drinking for a few years but the damage was already done.

FWIW I have a son with ADHD and he's not violent at all. He is bigger than me but hasn't squared up to me either. His adhd means that it might take time to explain himself but he goes somewhere quiet to compose his thoughts before trying to talk again.

He's on his best behaviour with his gf because he can't be sure that she would dump him for that behaviour. Same as him behaving well at work or in front of your family.

LadyJ2023 · 05/07/2023 12:08

Nope they don't change. Married someone who unknown to me at the time had been married 4 other times all ended in him being arrested for violence and abuse. Had I known it I wouldn't have got with him at the time. Anyway once he did start on me he did all these therapists blah blah nothing changed and I left eventually

MrsApplepants · 05/07/2023 12:11

Anger and violence is a choice, he is choosing to manage his emotions in these ways. So unless he accepts this and truly wants to change, which is very rare in my opinion, then no, he won’t change.

Over40Overdating · 05/07/2023 12:14

The only thing that changes is how well they hide their true selves. The fact he is blaming it all on adhd and breakdown and taking zero personal responsibility shows he will never hold himself accountable for his chosen, deliberate actions and next time he blows at someone he will have an excuse ready.

Pearlsaminga · 05/07/2023 12:15

He's not angry and violent with his new girlfriend .....yet.
They are still in the honeymoon phase and his focus will be on getting her to trust him unconditionally.
Once she trusts him gives away all her power and is trapped then his underlying personality will start to show itself

Original poster
BlastedPimples · 05/07/2023 12:15

Yes. We see that he's not taking responsibility.

We are in the throes of a divorce. He writes letters to the dcs via solicitors. Bumping up my legal fees

OP posts:
Pearlsaminga · 05/07/2023 12:48

BlastedPimples · 05/07/2023 12:15

Yes. We see that he's not taking responsibility.

We are in the throes of a divorce. He writes letters to the dcs via solicitors. Bumping up my legal fees

He's belligerent/ bloody minded and will do everything he can to make things more difficult for you even if it also hurts him in the process.... he will even enjoy his own pain if he knows that you are hurting too.
My suggestion is to be as strategic as possible, interact with him as little as possible and find some way to shut down these behaviors before they start. Long term if you can, back away slowly/ drop off his radar, you don't want this man in your life he'll be very bad news and will do all he can to punish you if he gets the opportunity.

Original poster
BlastedPimples · 05/07/2023 13:12

@Pearlsaminga yes. I completely agree. My dream is to never have to have anything to do with him again.

Financially we are shattered. He's spent everything, claiming it was spent on life, school fees, debts. I didn't know about debts but heigh ho financial controlling husband will do that to fit.

I've got to find work or retrain asap.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 05/07/2023 13:30

He's wasn't abusive because he was angry. He was angry because he is abusive.

They all want women to think they've 'lost control' and flown into a rage. The truth is, that is just a con to scare you into tiptoeing around them. He lost his temper deliberately. To scare and intimidate you.

Don't be fooled any longer. You didn't make him mad when he threw his tantrums. They were just deliberately engeneered to scare you into silence and conformity.

Of course, he may also be an angry person. But plenty of people manage to be angry qnd not abusive. And if he's not throwing rages at his current gf then apparently he can control it. Which tells you all you need to know. Not that it was you that provoked it, but that it was his preferred tactic for you.

Chances are he is just using a different tactic on her. For now. With it being new, he'll be on his best behaviour too.

I'd limit my kids contact with him as much as possible. And make sure they know you left him because of his angry behaviour. That it was unacceptable.

HarrisJu · 05/07/2023 13:33

I would tell the solicitors that you’re not prepared to pay to accept his letters to the dc so they should just bin them.

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