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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I deal with this?

46 replies

Greenergrass14 · 05/07/2023 08:46

I have stepchildren in their thirties, they treat their Dad with total disrespect which really saddens me.
It appears that any actions of their doing that are hurtful are ignored and there is no consequence to it.
My DH did try to address a hurtful incident that occurred and it was simply turned around by them and blamed on me, he did back me up and their action was to withhold contact for a few months as a form of punishment especially with the GK.
Now they are back in touch (only usually around birthdays etc as they want something) and my stress levels are up again after all the peace we have had.
Now I understand he wants to see them but I feel resentful that they get away with treating us both really badly and he enables them to do so, he just says well what do you want me to do about it?
I just feel they are toxic I have had so much stress in my life I can do without this but he is my husband and I love him so I will have to put up with this despite it making me struggle and feel anxious.

OP posts:
AnneKipankitoo · 05/07/2023 08:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Justmuddlingalong · 05/07/2023 08:56

I have this issue with 1 SS of the same age.
If DH's happy to tolerate the behaviour, let him crack on. It sounds like he'll defend his DC however they behave, so you're pissing against the wind by being upset on his behalf. Don't waste your time or energy pointing out their faults to him, he can obviously see them but is choosing to ignore them.

Original poster
Greenergrass14 · 05/07/2023 09:06

Justmuddlingalong · 05/07/2023 08:56

I have this issue with 1 SS of the same age.
If DH's happy to tolerate the behaviour, let him crack on. It sounds like he'll defend his DC however they behave, so you're pissing against the wind by being upset on his behalf. Don't waste your time or energy pointing out their faults to him, he can obviously see them but is choosing to ignore them.

Totally agree, I find it had not to get upset that they 'get away' with this, worse still rewarded when they want/need it.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 05/07/2023 09:12

It is hard. But it's usually always pointless.
I now offer neither sympathy nor advice if DP mentions his DS's shitty behaviour or comments.
I used to, but was wasting my breath. I don't think it'll change, but I don't give it much headspace any more.

Original poster
Greenergrass14 · 05/07/2023 09:40

I'm just so annoying at his enabling with them... And the fact that there's probably stuff going on behind my back to keep them happy ie cash...

OP posts:
PrincessofWellies · 05/07/2023 09:46

Had this with a sd, she was in her 20s, did something utterly stupid that endangered children of our family. It took a few years before I could even bear to talk to her and even now 15 years later I prefer not to have much to do with her.

My partner can see her, have a relationship with her, do what he likes but I stay very much in the background. And that's the best way of handling stuff like this.

Original poster
Greenergrass14 · 05/07/2023 10:15

I've always been in the background they don't like me. This suits me fine.
I just resent the fact he lets them use him.

OP posts:
KomodoDodo · 05/07/2023 10:41

OP, Do you have children of your own? The dynamic with our kids is a complex one, esp as they become adults and have their own partners and kids and are influenced in different directions. Your DH may not like the behaviour they sometimes display, but he will always love his children.That bond is the stringest and most unconditional love most people ever experience.
He is an adult, as are they, and their relationship with one another is of their own choosing and making, and your reaction to them is yours, but don’t ever expect your DH to side with you against them. It just won’t happen and will possibly drive a huge wedge between you if you push it.
I’m assuming you knew he had kids when you married, so you musy have been aware there might be challenges. If I were you I’d see my place in this to quietly support him and maybe find our why their relationship with him is so tenuous and if I could (unobtrusively) find a way to help heal it.
.

Original poster
Greenergrass14 · 05/07/2023 10:50

Yes he's already stated it's unconditional love. I get that but it's not healthy to let yourself be open to what I regard as emotional abuse. I have children and the comparison is astounding and he sees this so I thought he'd realise how bad they are.
It's sad but I really don't want them in my life at all.

OP posts:
Sunnydaysaredefhere · 05/07/2023 10:53

I hope they aren't allowed in your home op? May be dh's home also but he can't be supporting your abuse in your own space... Does the cash come from his personal spends? I would be spending on trips away for myself when he sees them.

Inthedeep · 05/07/2023 10:56

You say his children don’t really like you, that is their prorogative. Family relationships involving step-parents and step-children can be messy and hard to navigate. There is often existing hurt on both sides and personality clashes. It’s hard being forced into having a relationship with someone/people you wouldn’t normally have a relationship with just because your partner has children or your parent has a new partner.

In this situation it sounds best to remove yourself from the equation when it comes to your partner having a relationship with his children. It doesn’t sound like you like them and equally you say they don’t like you. Let them see and spend time with their Dad without you and don’t get involved in his relationship with them. Unfortunately his relationship with them predates his relationship with you, they have 30+ years of family dynamics at play here and need to be able to sort it out on their own.

His relationship with his children doesn’t have to involve you, it can be completely independent. You are all adults, it’s not like you have to share a house with them due to 50/50 custody of them as children. Obviously be there to support your partner emotionally if he needs it but try not to get involved yourself in their relationship.

80s · 05/07/2023 10:58

I have children and the comparison is astounding and he sees this so I thought he'd realise how bad they are.
If he did realise that his children were horrible compared with yours, would he admit it to you? Would he see it as reflecting on them, or on his parenting skills?
And if he decided they were nasty, how would you like him to change the way he treats them?

Original poster
Greenergrass14 · 05/07/2023 11:05

Great advice.... it's generally what I tend to do.
They have visited us a few times, to be honest I really don't want them here however it's his home too so don't feel I can say no.
The cash is not from our joint account however I feel any cash spent on them is less for us and our retirement which I'm trying to save up for to stop work. It's their sense of entitlement that hurts me.

OP posts:
Stratocumulus · 05/07/2023 11:05

Speaking from experience:

Stay out of his relationship with his kids. it’s a battle you will NEVER win.

Make no comment about them, good, bad or advisory at any time. Remain neutral. Pretend they don’t exist, if that helps. It’s his relationship choices, not yours.

So long as he’s not using joint cash from your joint funds, stay out of the cash argument.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Original poster
Greenergrass14 · 05/07/2023 11:07

80s · 05/07/2023 10:58

I have children and the comparison is astounding and he sees this so I thought he'd realise how bad they are.
If he did realise that his children were horrible compared with yours, would he admit it to you? Would he see it as reflecting on them, or on his parenting skills?
And if he decided they were nasty, how would you like him to change the way he treats them?

Yes he admits they aren't nice people.... But states 'they are still my kids...' it's the unconditional thing.
I would just like him to be open and honest about what he gives them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenergrass14 · 05/07/2023 11:08

Stratocumulus · 05/07/2023 11:05

Speaking from experience:

Stay out of his relationship with his kids. it’s a battle you will NEVER win.

Make no comment about them, good, bad or advisory at any time. Remain neutral. Pretend they don’t exist, if that helps. It’s his relationship choices, not yours.

So long as he’s not using joint cash from your joint funds, stay out of the cash argument.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Thank you, this makes sense.
I just feel resentful he's so good to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenergrass14 · 05/07/2023 11:09

Inthedeep · 05/07/2023 10:56

You say his children don’t really like you, that is their prorogative. Family relationships involving step-parents and step-children can be messy and hard to navigate. There is often existing hurt on both sides and personality clashes. It’s hard being forced into having a relationship with someone/people you wouldn’t normally have a relationship with just because your partner has children or your parent has a new partner.

In this situation it sounds best to remove yourself from the equation when it comes to your partner having a relationship with his children. It doesn’t sound like you like them and equally you say they don’t like you. Let them see and spend time with their Dad without you and don’t get involved in his relationship with them. Unfortunately his relationship with them predates his relationship with you, they have 30+ years of family dynamics at play here and need to be able to sort it out on their own.

His relationship with his children doesn’t have to involve you, it can be completely independent. You are all adults, it’s not like you have to share a house with them due to 50/50 custody of them as children. Obviously be there to support your partner emotionally if he needs it but try not to get involved yourself in their relationship.

Thank you this is helpful.

OP posts:
80s · 05/07/2023 11:09

I would just like him to be open and honest about what he gives them.
Towards you, you mean? Do you think he senses that you don't approve of his spending, and hides it from you because of that? Or is it more that he thinks his private spending is none of your business?

Original poster
Greenergrass14 · 05/07/2023 11:14

I think he knows I'll disapprove so naturally conceals it.
What they ask for sometimes is beyond my belief and to keep them in his life he pays. This hurts because of

  1. Their sense of entitlement, daddy has always given us money
  2. I don't earn much and it sickens me because I have to work hard for what I have, I would never have asked my parents for anything.
OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 05/07/2023 11:18

You have to stop thinking his children’s behaviour and your husband’s tolerance (or otherwise) is anything to do with you.

If you’ve agreed at least some portion of separate finances, then what he does with that money that’s his to spend is not your business. It’s not ‘taking away’ from you or your retirement plans.

If he moans to you about their behaviour or attitude, you need to say - as kindly as you can - that you don’t really want to discuss it because he already knows your opinion and you’d rather not discuss it at all.

80s · 05/07/2023 11:18

I have to work hard for what I have, I would never have asked my parents for anything
You're shaped by your background, he's shaped by his (and they are too). Maybe he's proud that he can help his children.

NoSquirrels · 05/07/2023 11:20

Greenergrass14 · 05/07/2023 11:14

I think he knows I'll disapprove so naturally conceals it.
What they ask for sometimes is beyond my belief and to keep them in his life he pays. This hurts because of

  1. Their sense of entitlement, daddy has always given us money
  2. I don't earn much and it sickens me because I have to work hard for what I have, I would never have asked my parents for anything.

But neither of these things matter. Their sense of entitlement might sicken you, but it’s not your problem or place to fix it. You might not earn much and you might not ask your own parents for money but that’s nothing to do with what your husband gives to his children. I understand it’s annoying but you have to majorly detach yourself.

Inthedeep · 05/07/2023 11:20

Ok, does your partner/husband work and can he afford to give them the financial help he’s giving them? If he can afford it, as long as it’s not negatively affecting him financially I think it’s best to stay out of it. At the end of the day that’s his choice. If it means he can’t afford his share of your household bills, mortgage/rent etc then it’s a different matter.

Original poster
Greenergrass14 · 05/07/2023 11:29

No it doesn't affect our day to day bills, it's a difficult one I have a very different attitude to money than his children, for example I wouldn't nor could I justify a 13k holiday but that's acceptable to them and I have a strong suspicion he'll be contributing, which upsets me as he's enabling this just goes against the grain.
I have to detach and that's hard.

OP posts:
80s · 05/07/2023 11:32

Would you say you have a poverty mindset? It sounds like a clash of cultures.