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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I deal with this?

46 replies

Greenergrass14 · 05/07/2023 08:46

I have stepchildren in their thirties, they treat their Dad with total disrespect which really saddens me.
It appears that any actions of their doing that are hurtful are ignored and there is no consequence to it.
My DH did try to address a hurtful incident that occurred and it was simply turned around by them and blamed on me, he did back me up and their action was to withhold contact for a few months as a form of punishment especially with the GK.
Now they are back in touch (only usually around birthdays etc as they want something) and my stress levels are up again after all the peace we have had.
Now I understand he wants to see them but I feel resentful that they get away with treating us both really badly and he enables them to do so, he just says well what do you want me to do about it?
I just feel they are toxic I have had so much stress in my life I can do without this but he is my husband and I love him so I will have to put up with this despite it making me struggle and feel anxious.

OP posts:
goosette · 05/07/2023 11:34

Changed my name for this.

My partner's daughter has bled him dry. He got into debt to give her 'the life he did not have' and was happy to pay for her through university, and the holidays abroad knowing full well he was paying for her boyfriend as well. In particular the six week holiday to Cambodia when she kept asking for more and more money.. then the driving lessons.. the cars.. insurances, white goods.. the list went on and on. She decided the degree was not enough and ended up doing seven years in education all of which he had to pay for. In all of that time she never got a job because why would she when father paid for anything she asked him to.
He was maxed out on credit cards and in serious debt - still is actually. Now there is nothing else for him to pay for she has given him the cold shoulder - not disowned him as such - sends a text on father's day.
I am persona non grata. Not invited to anything and quite frankly would not attend anyway given her horrible entitled attitude. My own children are not like this at all and my partner knows this.

Stay out of it OP. Gert on with your life and leave him to it because what ever you do or say will cause stress as he already knows and you saying anything will just make things worse.

80s · 05/07/2023 11:36

He got into debt to give her 'the life he did not have' and was happy to pay for her through university
That's what I was thinking - in which case this guy too might feel really proud and happy about it. Makes it very hard to express criticism.

BethDuttonsTwin · 05/07/2023 11:39

I’d love to hear the kid’s side of this…

80s · 05/07/2023 11:40

@BethDuttonsTwin We can only advise the OP ...

Inthedeep · 05/07/2023 11:45

As long as he’s meeting his financial obligations to your joint household with regards to bills, mortgage/rent etc it’s really up to him what he does with his surplus income. If he’s getting into debt obviously that would be a worry, but if that isn’t the case then he can do what he likes with it. You might feel it should be going towards your joint retirement plans, but really you have no more right to it than they do. It’s up to your husband to choose what he wants to do with it.

Original poster
Greenergrass14 · 05/07/2023 11:45

80s · 05/07/2023 11:36

He got into debt to give her 'the life he did not have' and was happy to pay for her through university
That's what I was thinking - in which case this guy too might feel really proud and happy about it. Makes it very hard to express criticism.

It's not about university or being proud, he's been used

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenergrass14 · 05/07/2023 11:47

goosette · 05/07/2023 11:34

Changed my name for this.

My partner's daughter has bled him dry. He got into debt to give her 'the life he did not have' and was happy to pay for her through university, and the holidays abroad knowing full well he was paying for her boyfriend as well. In particular the six week holiday to Cambodia when she kept asking for more and more money.. then the driving lessons.. the cars.. insurances, white goods.. the list went on and on. She decided the degree was not enough and ended up doing seven years in education all of which he had to pay for. In all of that time she never got a job because why would she when father paid for anything she asked him to.
He was maxed out on credit cards and in serious debt - still is actually. Now there is nothing else for him to pay for she has given him the cold shoulder - not disowned him as such - sends a text on father's day.
I am persona non grata. Not invited to anything and quite frankly would not attend anyway given her horrible entitled attitude. My own children are not like this at all and my partner knows this.

Stay out of it OP. Gert on with your life and leave him to it because what ever you do or say will cause stress as he already knows and you saying anything will just make things worse.

Thanks for this.
I think the overall message here is just stay out of it, be detached and if he wants to be emotionally and financially abused then that's his business...

OP posts:
80s · 05/07/2023 11:48

Greenergrass14 · 05/07/2023 11:45

It's not about university or being proud, he's been used

Show quote history

You misunderstand me, OP. I meant that perhaps your dh might want to give his children 'the life he did not have', and it might make him feel proud that he can do so. Whether or not he needs to is another question.

goosette · 05/07/2023 11:56

Oh - my partner knows he has been used. He is embarrassed at the lack of any form of kindness she shows but he still loves her unconditionally while at the same time knows she does not care. It's a crap situation and this is why I stay out of it.
There was one occasion when we spoke on the phone and she was rude to me. She will never get that chance again.

Original poster
Greenergrass14 · 05/07/2023 12:03

goosette · 05/07/2023 11:56

Oh - my partner knows he has been used. He is embarrassed at the lack of any form of kindness she shows but he still loves her unconditionally while at the same time knows she does not care. It's a crap situation and this is why I stay out of it.
There was one occasion when we spoke on the phone and she was rude to me. She will never get that chance again.

It's just awful behaviour, I'm so sorry.

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 05/07/2023 12:11

I have adult step kids. Maybe not quite as bad, but nearly. For my own MH I have stepped away apart from major family events, when I'm pleasant. They too are users, and i don't exist unless I can be useful. Usually a cf request. Neither of them have ever shown any interest in me at all, and have never asked me a question about myself ever. And their mother left him, had been apart a few years before we got together, so not that. In an emergency I will help out, and have. Cf request? Nah. Not my circus much as i have to bite my tongue sometimes.

FluffyHamster · 05/07/2023 12:12

Were you the 'other woman' that broke up his first marriage OP?

I only ask because I've seen a similar situation with a friend's husband and his children and a) they still despise him (and her) for breaking up their original family and b) he tries to win favour and overcompensate for his guilt by giving in to their every demand.

Original poster
Greenergrass14 · 05/07/2023 12:18

FluffyHamster · 05/07/2023 12:12

Were you the 'other woman' that broke up his first marriage OP?

I only ask because I've seen a similar situation with a friend's husband and his children and a) they still despise him (and her) for breaking up their original family and b) he tries to win favour and overcompensate for his guilt by giving in to their every demand.

No broken marriage long before I was involved.
I'm sure he feels guilty but they need to act like adults, they were quite happy for him to stay with her and be unhappy as he was funding everyone.

OP posts:
Inthedeep · 05/07/2023 12:21

How long had he and his ex wife been separated and living apart before you met him?

Original poster
Greenergrass14 · 05/07/2023 12:23

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 05/07/2023 12:11

I have adult step kids. Maybe not quite as bad, but nearly. For my own MH I have stepped away apart from major family events, when I'm pleasant. They too are users, and i don't exist unless I can be useful. Usually a cf request. Neither of them have ever shown any interest in me at all, and have never asked me a question about myself ever. And their mother left him, had been apart a few years before we got together, so not that. In an emergency I will help out, and have. Cf request? Nah. Not my circus much as i have to bite my tongue sometimes.

Totally relate to this, thinking about it, I've never been asked a single question either.
Sorry to be a bit thick here, what is a CF request?

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 05/07/2023 12:41

Cunty fecker Grin

Gymtastic · 05/07/2023 12:46

I agree with the others, they are his kids and his to manage the relationship with. He is not going to end his relationship with his kids because of your feelings, and quite frankly nor should he. It’s his decision, not yours, if anything you will only damage your relationship with him if you keep going on about your resentment. You need to disengage and stop commenting, let him manage his kids as he sees fit

Sunnydaysaredefhere · 05/07/2023 14:12

It is hard to find respect for a walkover imo.
When my mil was at her worst we agreed her name would never be mentioned... Maybe change the subject when you can op. Make sure you have enough money for your retirement plans. And make sure any debt is not in joint names if he is overspending on cards...
When he is past working age and funds are low they prob won't be seen for dust..

Sunnydaysaredefhere · 05/07/2023 14:13

Make sure your wills are water tight also. Both providing for your own dc imo is best..

Original poster
Greenergrass14 · 06/07/2023 11:03

Sunnydaysaredefhere · 05/07/2023 14:13

Make sure your wills are water tight also. Both providing for your own dc imo is best..

I have made mine, I own my property and I can't risk them having any share in it, I've made it clear in my will they aren't entitled to anything, even though I assume they'd think they are!

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenergrass14 · 06/07/2023 11:04

Sunnydaysaredefhere · 05/07/2023 14:12

It is hard to find respect for a walkover imo.
When my mil was at her worst we agreed her name would never be mentioned... Maybe change the subject when you can op. Make sure you have enough money for your retirement plans. And make sure any debt is not in joint names if he is overspending on cards...
When he is past working age and funds are low they prob won't be seen for dust..

They don't care what his situation is they'd still ask when he's on a pension be sure of that!

OP posts:
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