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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

But what if I wasn't annoyed?

28 replies

Bigparrot · 05/07/2023 02:24

Long running disagreement.

Partner often says I've got annoyed with him and wants me to apologise. This can happen when I raise an issue with him or if something has happened that has annoyed me or sometimes when I don't even feel annoyed internally but he has decided that I am showing him that I am.

I have tried to be careful with my words and tone. I don't think I am coming across as annoyed to the extent that it might make him uncomfortable. And a couple of times I wasn't even feeling cross at all.

I have tried explaining that I'm annoyed about this thing that happened between us/situation and not annoyed at him - or I'm not annoyed at all - but he tells me that I won't know how I come across to him.

He will bring it up in an argument that it's unacceptable for me to come across to him like that. That he wants it to stop. I think that sometimes I have a valid reason to be annoyed when trying to explain/discuss something that has annoyed me. Do I have to be more zen and show no signs of annoyance at all? Although I feel like I'm already being calm e.g. no shouting, swearing, name calling etc. And in some of the instances he brings up I wasn't even feeling annoyed at all so I don't know how he's decided that I am.

Should I just apologise anyway as it isn't a big deal and he does know better how I've come across to him?

Deep down I don't feel comfortable about this.

OP posts:
Frogpond · 05/07/2023 02:32

He is gaslighting you. You have to be firm and stick with what you have been trying to talk to him about. Never apologise!!!!
If he keeps on at you ask him why he isn’t responsible for his actions? If he keeps going after that maybe ask if he wants to call his mum to come and tell you off. Since he isn’t grown up enough to sort out the issue. Don’t let him try and tell you are wrong for being upset.

Frogpond · 05/07/2023 02:34

Also want to add, he will keep doing this as it works. He can get away with anything he likes, by making you the bad guy. You may have to over react a few times but hopefully he will stop when it doesn’t work.

PousseyNotMoira · 05/07/2023 02:34

Even if you were annoyed, why would that be a reason to apologise? What mad abuser logic is this?!

Ellie450 · 05/07/2023 02:35

Throw the whole man away. You got a bad one.

He’s doing this because he wants you to always walk on eggshells trying to appease him. He wants to keep you off-kilter and easily have a way to pull you up and control you. He also doesn’t respect you and seems to have an inflated sense of his own self-importance if he never wants you to display any non-positive emotion regarding him and his actions. People like him usually can’t be fixed, and you don’t need to put up with it.

kingtamponthefurred · 05/07/2023 03:04

He is training you not to challenge or criticise him in any way. It is normal in a healthy relationship for both parties to feel angry now and then and to express it.

theresastormcoming · 05/07/2023 03:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

FictionalCharacter · 05/07/2023 03:12

So he tells you you’re annoyed when you’re not annoyed and not acting annoyed, and he wants to to stop acting annoyed when you’re doing nothing of the sort? And he wants you to apologise?
Don’t let him train you to be a passive Stepford Wife. If he doesn’t pack it in when you call him out, gather up your self esteem and get away from him.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/07/2023 03:14

You have chosen very poorly. Throw this one in the bin and start over.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/07/2023 03:16

Anger and annoyance are perfectly normal, everyday emotions. You are allowed to feel however you do. You shouldn't scream, shout, hit and throw things. But you can get angry. Actually angry, not just annoyance.

There are a few reasons he could be like this. From hyper-critical parents who shamed him into feeling terrible when anyone is annoyed near him all the way to clinical narcissism.

If you wanted to give it a last try, you could say, "I am allowed to be annoyed. If I can't raise any issues, I can't get any of my needs met. You need to talk to a counsellor about your issues or I can't be in a relationship." I suspect he will try to gaslight the shite out of you if you say this. But he might break down in tears and get some help.

FictionalCharacter · 05/07/2023 03:18

@theresastormcoming my ex was similar but not as extreme as yours. He’d tell me I was “always shouting at him” and he “didn’t deserve it” <sadface mode on> . I had never shouted at him, not one single time. It was quite disorientating when he said that but I knew it wasn’t true. What he meant was I had mildly disagreed with him or refused to go along with something he wanted, and this wasn’t acceptable to him.

user1492757084 · 05/07/2023 03:29

Keep calm and kind but try saying...

I'd like you to clearly know, in a polite way, that this annoys me - XXX XXX.
If he asks you to apologise say that being honest in a polite and constructive way does not warrant an apology - it offers hope for a better, honest and sustainable relationship where you can express each other and learn.
If he can't 'get' that he's not ready or mature enough to form a relationship with another human; move on.

WandaWonder · 05/07/2023 03:42

If it was him acting as you do what would you say/feel?

Would it be controlling and labelled as a red flag?

Opentooffers · 05/07/2023 03:59

Who made him the emotion police? It's fine to be annoyed. Would he do the same of sad or happy? Are you not allowed to have emotions. Actually, you could try saying you are not annoyed, you are unhappy that he won't discuss something that bothers you - semantics, it means the same, but is a way to divert and deny an accusation.
He's using it as a tactic to not ever be asked or challenged on anything because his word is law. Ensuring that he always gets his own way whether you like it or not, how tedious. Try different reply methods, break your usual pattern of apologising - you are just letting him off every time you do that. If nothing else, it should confuse him if you keep changing tactics - and he deserves that. You might hit upon one that gets him actually discussing a problem, that's progress.

Shoxfordian · 05/07/2023 05:57

He only wants you when you’re happy and agreeable and nice to him. Not any of your other emotions. Dump him and tell him to buy a sex doll instead, I’m sure they’ll be happy together

Autumntimeagain · 05/07/2023 07:10

OP a simple 'Fuck off, if you aren't happy, you know where the door is !' every single time he tries that shit !

And no bloody 'apologising' for being 'annoyed' either ! If you ARE annoyed, then you've got every bloody right to your feelings, and to call HIM out for whatever has angered you ! And if you're NOT annoyed, then you're NOT responsible for how HE 'thinks' you are feeling either !

He's a tosser who is trying to 'set the scene' for either never, ever being 'allowed' to be 'annoyed', no matter WHAT he's done, or to tell everyone that you're 'crazy' and 'unstable' because you're never happy !

CherryLipgloss · 05/07/2023 07:13

What happens if you do the same to him? Tell him that he seems to be annoyed with you and you need him to apologise to you? Does it make him extra careful with his words and tone? Hmm, thought not.

Original poster
Bigparrot · 05/07/2023 19:28

Thanks for the advice and support. It's definitely helped to back up what I was feeling. I'm surprised it's something that turned up in your relationship too @theresastormcoming I didn't realise this was a common 'tactic'

Thanks for the advice @user1492757084 and @MrsTerryPratchett
Unfortunately this isn't a relationship I can put in the bin so easily. I'll be bear in mind the way you recommend to address this with him.

Basically I do recognise it's a sort of distraction technique to take away from any issues I want to raise. It feels like it leads to a surface level discussion of how I've come across rather than a deeper discussion where I might be upset about something and his part in it.

And it isn't truthful to apologise for something I don't feel. It's creating distance between us and a lack of honesty about how we relate. But I guess he's not interested in the truth of my feelings.

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 05/07/2023 19:34

He isn't interested in your honest opinions or feelings.
He wants you to feel guilty / like you owe him an apology.
This puts you on the back foot / distracts you from things he's doing wrong.
So when you have a genuinely good reason to be annoyed, you'll not dare raise it, and if you do he'll distract with his ridiculous accusations, thus turning the discussion away from his failings and in to a conversation about your (fabriacted) failings.
He wants to be able to treat you how he likes and not have to be answerable for unreasonable behaviour. It's part of being an adult - sometimes you make a mistake and have to own it / apologise. He doesn't want to do that.
It makes me think there's much bigger stuff he's in the wrong for, and he's training you to not mention it, or have the energy to even notice it or tell right from wrong.
He's messing with your head.

I really hope you can leave him. He isn't a safe partner.

Grumpigal · 05/07/2023 19:40

well if you’re absolutely sure that you’re not actually being passive aggressive and not aware of it…

Then when the topic is brought up again and he’s insisting your “annoyed” then you say “I understand you may FEEL like I am annoyed or angry but I can assure you that I am not and if I was, then I would communicate that and want to resolve it. I can’t control how YOU FEEL and I am not responsible for your feelings but if you are basing your feelings on me being angry then you will need to look at them again because as I’ve said, I am not angry. I would like to draw a line and move forward because we have resolved the issue and this doesn’t need discussing any further - unless you have something further that you haven’t mentioned yet”

it feels like he’s trying to turn any disagreement or argument into your fault, even if you didn’t cause it.

JonjoMonjo21 · 05/07/2023 19:43

My dp does the exact same… if I bring up an issue I am causing an argument, it’s all my fault and then the issue I brought up in the first place somehow is my fault for making an issue of it. He is sending me insane. Is this gaslighting?

billy1966 · 05/07/2023 19:46

OP, this is highly abusive and must be quite scary and he is a deeply dishonest, manipulative person.

Be very wary.
Do not trust him.

If you have children and assets tied up, start planning.

Be very careful.
He is not to be trusted.

Women's aid can offer support, also friends and family.

billy1966 · 05/07/2023 19:48

Be very careful of your mental health around someone like that.

AuntMarch · 05/07/2023 19:52

Ugh. My ex uses to bang on about me being "in a mood" if I made even the slightest negative comment.

Could be as simple as "could you put your pants in the wash basket next time you go for a shower?" but he'd decide I was pissed off and get all defensive. So then I'd deny that I was pissed off, and he'd insist I was, and and I'd say "no, it would just be nice if you could put your own pants away" and he'd say "why are you getting so stressy about it?".... and on and on and eventually I'd blow and shout "I'm not fucking stressy!!!" When actually, by this point I really was. But not about the pants.

AuntMarch · 05/07/2023 19:55

JonjoMonjo21 · 05/07/2023 19:43

My dp does the exact same… if I bring up an issue I am causing an argument, it’s all my fault and then the issue I brought up in the first place somehow is my fault for making an issue of it. He is sending me insane. Is this gaslighting?

Had not read the full thread but I relate to this so much!
Took me years to bin him, but it was so nice to be allowed opinions on "issues" once I did!

JonjoMonjo21 · 05/07/2023 20:06

@AuntMarch seems very similar how strange… are many men like this. Luckily we don’t live together and I don’t see a lot of him really. My choice due to him making me feel like I’m going mental. Maybe I need to bin him too x

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