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Original poster

Am I being taken for a fool?

29 replies

TheOldMonkey · 04/07/2023 20:33

DP and I have been in a relationship for 12 years, he moved in with me and my teenaged children 8 years ago. The house is in my name, the bills, mortgage etc. We each have our own cars and keep our money separate. We both have good jobs.

My children have since moved out, so there is only the two of us now. DP works and pays his way and is actually very generous.

Problems started about 5 years ago, he was diagnosed with hypertension. He had to go onto blood pressure medication which affected his ability to have sex, and he lost interest in any intimacy. However, he was still affectionate and we enjoy each others company.

During the pandemic, DP was furloughed and I had to work long hours. He started to put on a lot of weight, and took no exercise, which impacted his body. He now walks with a stick, due to arthritis and being overweight. He has managed to lose about 3 stone, but needs to lose more. He is unable to walk now very far and relies on me to do everything.

I fetch drinks for him, do all the chores, cooking, shopping. He is still able to work, but tends to come home from work, have his meal and then goes to bed at about 7pm. Which I don’t mind as I like my own company.

DP is usually kind and listens to me I suffer from anxiety and he is mostly very supportive.

But just lately, I have started to feel like a slave and I feel sad about it. I don’t think he means to, but he orders me around, has me running to the shops for him etc. I don’t think that he has been in a shop for several years. He eats his meal in an arm chair and I have to run about bringing him things, taking his plate off him etc.

One other thing that upsets me is he is always very critical about my children, is resentful of anytime I spend with them. It almost feels like jealousy.

Today I was WFH, usually I finish at 5pm and then cook dinner straight away. Tonight I had to make a work call at 6pm, I offered to make dinner at 4:30 pm, but he said no go and do your work and make dinner after the phone call. I finished at about 6:20 pm, and he was very angry and spoke to me harshly. I tried to explain what I had been doing but he swore and said he didn’t care. He then intimated that I was chatting to a particular work colleague, who 2 days ago, he was teasing me about having a crush on. This colleague is 20 years younger than me and the whole thing would be ridiculous. Again, it’s like he is a bit jealous of my work life. He then stumped off to bed without eating in a huff.

For a while now, I have been feeling as though he thinks I am just his landlady. He pays rent, and expects a home to be provided and food on the table etc. He hasn’t even been as affectionate just lately.

I have previously been in an abusive relationship and I know I have a tendency to put up with things other people wouldn’t. Does this sound normal, I can’t tell anymore?

Also, I am by no means perfect. I live in a constant state of anxiety, which I hide quite well, and I’m a perfectionist and I work way over my hours to maintain this, which I realise must be hard to live with. Also I adore my children and probably am a bit unrealistic about some of their behaviour.

OP posts:
Drummend01 · 04/07/2023 21:25

That is not normal, you having to take his plate, him being annoyed about you needing to work late and changing dinner time, swearing at you, being weird about time with your children. All of that is disrespectful and not an equal partnership. It sounds like it could head towards becoming abusive and toxic so I would seriously think about what your options are for the future.

littleripper · 04/07/2023 22:28

He should be taking responsibility, doing physio and working to improve his mobility not sitting in a chair ordering you around. It is completely unreasonable and you should not be worrying about his dinner when you are working - he can make something himself or wait and say thank you. Just stop. Go away with your kids for a few days and leave him to it, see how free you feel. That could be your whole life without him!

Dotcheck · 04/07/2023 22:33

My mum is elderly, has had hip and knee replacements, and walks with a frame.
She still does everything for herself - her house is spotless.

Wallywobbles · 04/07/2023 22:37

Time to re-evaluate. You are not his carer. I would ask him if he would like to move out and have the freedom to find someone else to take on the role because it's badly paid and totally thankless.

You only have one life. Don't waste it.

Quitelikeit · 04/07/2023 22:40

This man is emotionally abusive. And even if he wasn’t he is not making you happy and that is a good enough reason to end things.

He is treating you with contempt and you ought to google what happens in a relationship when one person treats the other with contempt

Sendouttheclowns · 04/07/2023 22:44

Could he have early-onset dementia OP?

Could you talk to a Health Professional about this?

https://www.dementiauk.org/

Thepossibility · 04/07/2023 23:05

I think you are being taken for a fool. He's treating you as a household appliance that is intended to serve him. Lashing out when you aren't fullfilling your role of serving him as he thinks he is entitled.
Can you do this for the rest of your life?
I think you deserve better, you weren't put on this earth to be a man's slave!

AubadeIsIt · 04/07/2023 23:18

No one needs this sh*t, get him out and enjoy life, it's too short. Plus, criticising your kids? Not on.

billy1966 · 04/07/2023 23:25

I cannot believe what I am reading.

You are 100% being taken for the biggest fool by a nasty abusive prick.

Help him pack and get him the hell out of YOUR home.

I wouldn't give a damn where or how he goes.

Get your children over to help.

Call the police to remove him.

But get him out of your home.

Being too kind is a mugs game.

Newestname002 · 04/07/2023 23:53

@TheOldMonkey

You are less than his landlady - you are his under appreciated servant. He doesn't give you any respect, even as a servant, rather than someone he's supposed to love and care for, has you running around after him - including the shops - and verbally abuses you. And being jealous of your children - that's not right. Sounds like he's trying to separate you from them

Even if this were normal (which it isn't) this is not any type of life for anyone. You are worth more than this.

Time for him to move out (tell, don't ask him) and let him fend for himself. You do not need someone so manipulative in your life. 🌹

FannyFifer · 05/07/2023 00:00

Sod that, how old is he? If he can work he can cook the bloody tea. Tell him to get his lazy arse out the chair & do stuff for himself,
Don't live like this.

DelphiniumBlue · 05/07/2023 00:00

Are you saying that he is so overweight that he can't get out of his chair and pick up after himself?
Because I really doubt that is is the case...I have an extremely heavy family member who manages living alone and looking after himself perfectly well. Is the arthritis that bad that he can't move around?
Again I know people suffering from this who are fiercely independent, and it sounds as if you think this this is an excuse for him to have you waiting on him.
If you want to stay with him, you'll have to reset his expectations by not doing everything.If you've had enough, then tell him it's not working for you any more and you'd like him to leave. You are not responsible for him.

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/07/2023 00:53

My mum is 93 and has broken her hip and a shoulder in the last couple of years. She uses a little trolley and puts her food on it and wheels it into the living room to sit to eat as the dining chairs are too uncomfortable for her. She does absolutely everything she can for herself.

Your boyfriend is treating you with no respect at all. He is lazy and entitled. You are only spending an hour a day with him if he's going to bed that early. What is the point of him?

thecatinthetwat · 05/07/2023 01:02

It’s hard to comment on the mobility side because it isn’t clear how much he is capable of. But the way he behaves with your dc is unacceptable. also, the way he speaks to you. Sorry op, but it does sound like you have loose boundaries here. Talk to someone to get the perspective you need to change this.

Greengrassoh · 05/07/2023 01:13

how old are you? Do you love him enough to be his unpaid carer?

Mmhmmn · 05/07/2023 01:21

I suspect your anxiety is either caused or massively exacerbated by his increasingly unreasonable and toxic behaviour towards you, OP.
You deserve better than this - better includes living on your own in peace, not being taken advantage of.

FictionalCharacter · 05/07/2023 01:29

No, of course it’s not normal. He treats you like dirt.
But for me the last straw would be coming off a work call, my partner suggesting I’d been chatting to a colleague I had a crush on, then swearing at me and stomping off in a huff. Suggesting that I was lying about a work call. Being treated like a servant AND called a liar would mean the end of the relationship.

Opentooffers · 05/07/2023 04:31

Be cruel to be kind here. In the long run you are doing him no favours by running round him and doing it all for him. All that gets him is lazy and fat and more unhealthy. Going on BP meds is not a cue to give up on a healthy fulfilling life, it's a reason to take more care of yourself.
As you get older it's a case of use it or lose it, and he's losing it big time by choice, but also because you are letting him. Try telling him to shape up or ship out basically.
He can sort his own food out, do his own washing for a start. If that angers him and he's not happy with that, then give him notice, he will have to do it all for himself then, and it could be the making of him .

Aquamarine1029 · 05/07/2023 04:38

This man is trying to poison your relationship with your children. Let that sink in. Keep him in your life and he may succeed.

Out he fucking goes, and I wouldn't even give him a week. He is a nasty, self-absorbed twat.

CalistoNoSolo · 05/07/2023 05:40

I don't know how you're putting up with this, you must have the patience of a Saint. Personally I would have given him an ultimatum when he first thought that he could order me around like a servant, and nobody interferes with the relationship i havd with DD.

You don't have to do this, you don't have to be his carer, and you absolutely can kick him out if he's making your life a misery.

EmmaEmerald · 05/07/2023 09:17

You mention he hasn't been to shops for years, why?

how old is he? It sounds like he thinks you're unpaid staff.

Meeting · 05/07/2023 09:27

billy1966 · 04/07/2023 23:25

I cannot believe what I am reading.

You are 100% being taken for the biggest fool by a nasty abusive prick.

Help him pack and get him the hell out of YOUR home.

I wouldn't give a damn where or how he goes.

Get your children over to help.

Call the police to remove him.

But get him out of your home.

Being too kind is a mugs game.

Can I just ask what do you get out of this? Every thread someone puts on about their relationship you post a long list of extreme sentences (never a paragraph), usually including name calling and telling OP to call the police.

Do you really think that's how the world works? She's been with him 12 years yet she's going to look up one day and call the police to kick him out because he's lazy?

Watchkeys · 05/07/2023 09:36

I have to run about bringing him things, taking his plate off him etc

Why do you have to? Who does this for him when he's at work?

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 05/07/2023 09:41

Hang on a minute, he gets himself to work but can't move his arse off the chair once he gets home?

You are a mug.

TheWorldisGoingMad · 05/07/2023 12:45

Wallywobbles · 04/07/2023 22:37

Time to re-evaluate. You are not his carer. I would ask him if he would like to move out and have the freedom to find someone else to take on the role because it's badly paid and totally thankless.

You only have one life. Don't waste it.

This^

You only have one life. You will end up resenting him. He sounds like he already resents you and is making you pay through his demands. You are not his carer, but he has forced you to be. He's not even appreciative. Is this how you see the rest of your days... is this all you deserve? I think not.

If the relationship, or whatever it is, is no longer working, you have to ask him to find alternative accommodation. It's not a loving relationship now is it? You know that, he knows that, but he's pushing to see what he can get away with, and getting some weird pleasure from it.

What are you going to do? This one precious life you have. Use it wisely, you have a choice.