Am I vulnerable?

[loullou90]

Hi all,
Partner and I have been together for 11 years, not married but are expecting our first baby. We have a joint mortgage and have agreed that once the baby is born I’ll go down to 3 days a week. I enjoy my job but want to do this and spend the time with me baby whilst she is small. We could scrape by on his salary alone but I don’t want to give up my job altogether.

I want to go back full time when she is in school, but my partner has made comments about his child ‘not being a latch key kid’. I’ve told him I won’t be a SAHM and he says he’s fine with that, but am concerned he’ll expect me to work part-time until my child is secondary school age.

Due to us not being married, I’m worried that I’m putting myself in a vulnerable position by going part-time soon. I do have some of my own savings but partner earns a high salary and has more money than me. At the moment we contribute 60/40 to everything, have a joint account for bills, mortgage, food etc but separate savings accounts. I do all the housework and cooking as we’re currently renovating our house and he’s done most of this himself.

I’ve tried to discuss my anxieties with him, but he’s blasé about it and has said that his money is ‘our money’ and I shouldn’t be concerned. I hadn’t realised how much more legal protection marriage gives you, but I’m pretty sure that doesn’t want to marry. I’ve never been bothered about the marriage thing but now I’m worried.

We have a good relationship and he’s always fine about the fact he contributes more due to his higher salary. Do I need to have a more honest conversation with him about marriage? Am I being paranoid? Thank you.

Yes you do and making up your pension contributions and having savings in your own name.

What @RandomMess said.

And also remember that by putting your career on hold, this will have a detrimental effect on your earning capability, not just while your dc are kids, but for decades to come.

@loullou90 why isn't marriage on the cards? Sounds like a sensible option in this scenario..

"His money is our money"

Hahaha I'm glad that you are at least thinking about these things, as so many women in your situation only post three kids in when the man is leaving them 😩

Get married.

He will be benefitting from reduced childcare, will you still be paying 40% of bills?

What's your plan for retirement?

but my partner has made comments about his child ‘not being a latch key kid’.
then he can give up his job
or pay for childcare
why is what he wants yours, and only your problem to resolve

if it works for you as an alternative, he can marry you

He is benefiting professionally, personally and through childcare, by you working less and earning less. Whilst you have less money and security and your career is damaged by your withdrawal from it. He has more time because you will do childcare, cooking, cleaning etc. That’s time he can put into work or his personal life or renovating your house. These are all far more tangible and useful things, should you split up, that demonstrate his contributions.

if you split up in 2 years, are you covered? Will you have savings, can you jump straight back into work? Will you get half the house? Who will do the childcare?

I would never reduce my own income for childcare reasons without being married. There is no legal protection if you’re not married-it’s pretty simple.

If he's the one concerned about her being a latch key kid, why isn't he volunteering to go part time? He is putting all the risk on you, none on himself.

@loullou90
Going back to work full time is to protect you. He will have a legal obligation to support his child. It is you , for whom he will have no obligation to contribute to your support. Men plan their work history to contribute to both their current needs and possibilities for advancement and mobility on the job. You should make your work decisions around the same considerations.

If he chooses to walk away tomorrow, your child has legal protection related to support. If he chooses to walk away tomorrow, you will have nothing , and your child will have a mother who squandered her opportunity to best provide for herself and her child.

If love wasn't enough of a motivation for him to marry you, do you think that your desire to become his dependent is going to be high on his list of motivators.

It is important for you to realize that going forward whatever decision you make is going to come with an opportunity cost. You may not have to pay that cost today, but it will waiting for you down the road. Choose wisely.

Yes you need to get married first. It doesn't need to be a big do. He just needs to sign the papers.

Thank you all for the responses.

The plan is when (if!) I go part-time he will contribute the bulk of household costs and I will contribute a small amount proportionate to my reduced income.

Re childcare, she will be going to nursery as my MIL can only have her one day a week and we don’t have any other family locally.

I was of the opinion that going back full time would be nonsense, as we’d be paying £1200 a month for nursery and I would barely see her, but these comments are making me re-think things. I want to earn my own money and be a good role-model for my daughter.

I earn a good salary but my partner earns a lot more than me. I want to spend the time with my baby when she is young with the view of going back ft when she is a bit older, but I’m not sure if I’m now being naive.

partner wants to retire at 60 and I’ve already said for me that won’t be an option due to pension contributions.

The mortgage is in both of our names, if we split up tomorrow I have some savings but a lot has gone on the house etc which I have contributed to.

idk if I’m just hormonal and pregnant but I’m feeling quite vulnerable at the moment. I think I need to insist on marriage or otherwise have a difficult conversation.

The plan is when (if!) I go part-time he will contribute the bulk of household costs and I will contribute a small amount proportionate to my reduced income.

Are the nursery costs joint? Are you taking housework etc into the equation when dividing income or is it just based on earnings alone? Think long and hard about that. You need equal relaxation time and equal spending money, otherwise this won't work long term. Get him to pay your NI stamps if you don't earn enough at any point due to being a mother.

I’ve just spoken to my partner and his response is would I feel better if we got married before I go back to work after Mat leave. I said yes but if it doesn’t happen I’ll be going back full time. He seems fine with it

Oh fuck him. Your pregnant with his baby after 11 years together and he doesn't want to marry you? What a scumball.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

At the risk of sounding deluded we have discussed marriage in the past and he hasn’t been hostile to it, the timing just hasn’t been right etc. I realise that makes me sound like a bit of a melt. I’ve already said the baby will have my name as we’re not married.
Considering everyone’s responses, I’ve decided if we aren’t married after my Mat leave I’ll be going back full time and we’ll have to split the childcare costs/household tasks etc to protect myself and my child.

@loullou90
I think that if you found a man who was a high earner and advancing in his career , it is unreasonable to think that he needs your services to do what he was doing quite well without you being his cook and cleaner. He can also probably contribute his share for the cost of child care. People suggesting that those are things for which he is depending upon you to provide are not looking at the full picture. He was a higher earner, probably living in a clean home, eating regularly, and managing to get to work in clean clothing before he met you , so he knows how to manage his life without benefit of your services.

The birth of your child adds a new cost to his outgoings, but he should be able to pay his half of nursery or child minder cost. You should only have to pay your fair share of costs for your baby.

You can purchase a home with him without being married, and you have all of the legal benefits accorded to that transaction.

You do nor need to be married to be protected. You do need to be married if your goal is to be in some way dependent upon him to support you. As the father, he is already legally bound to contribute to the support of your child, and if you have joint ownership of your home, you are protected there.

Was it a joint decision to have a child, because with that comes joint responsibility, marriage legally recognises and protects the family income regardless of roles. I'm guessing you've probably not been having the best deal for a while. You should right now have the same disposable and income capacity that he has. You split currently at 60/40, but, does he earn 60% of total joint income, because I get the feeling that he probably earns a higher proportion than that?
Beware of taking on all housework tasks, however fair it seems, as it sets a president. Housework is for life, whereas renovations are a temporary situation. Are you confident that he will see the need to flip into sharing the housework load - which will increase hugely with a baby - once renovations are over? I'm kinda doubting that he will tbh, as then you'll just end up doing it all as 'on mat leave'. Next you know, either you resent him as he doesn't do his share when you go back to work ( he's not had to by that point for a year or more), or he will resent you for having more to do as you are working too, which he may also resent.
Careful, latchkey, could be an excuse for you staying at home, so he doesn't have to put in the same effort you do. It's telling he automatically looks to you to solve the 'latchkey' situation, and has used that word as its emotive, when really, plenty of parents both work and outsource the housework to others - as quite frankly, it is dull as, so if you can afford for someone else to do the cleaning and laundry, why wouldn't you?
Stick to your guns, get married, then at least you know you've got financial protection if he turns out to be the kind of lazy partner, that he shows some signs of maybe heading towards.

So, sounds like you're getting married?! that's great.

Might be worth pushing through a quick ceremony before the baby is actually born as Mat leave can be intense (by which I really mean, he might try to back out after the baby is born because it's a time that is very hard on relationships).

Watch out for him talking about marriage but putting it off / not going through with planning it.

If it goes ahead (and be absolutely clear that without it you aren't reducing your hours at work, and will share all parenting, school pick ups, and housework etc 50/50, then great.

If it doesn't, definitely protect your income, pension, promotion prospects etc.

If he doesn't want his child to be a 'latch-key' kid then it's equally up to him to ensure that doesn't happen.

And yes, the child should have your surname.

I'm always suspicious of these people who make excuses about being married, when not being married benefits them. He knows that if you split up after you've taken an income reduction / pension payment reduction / employment prospects have taken a hit - he can just walk away with all his money, savins, big pension, and not owe you a dime for the sacrifices you'll have made to bring up your joint child. Any man who expects his OH to give up their financial safety, needs to step up and ensure they are protected, and marriage is the best way of doing that.

A friend and her partner (male & female) got a low-key civil partnership to sort out legalities - would this be an option for you OP?

Might be worth pushing through a quick ceremony before the baby is actually born as Mat leave can be intense (by which I really mean, he might try to back out after the baby is born because it's a time that is very hard on relationships).

Agree

Thanks all, my baby is due at the end of October so I hope I haven’t left it too late for a shot gun wedding!
really appreciate all the responses here.

Sounds like he understands your concerns and is prepared to get married so I’d definitely go ahead and do that, and then go part time for at least a year and least then you are not putting yourself in a more vulnerable position. Enjoy that time with your baby, you can catch up on pension contributions later. I was part time for a while, been a single parent for most of my kids childhood. Since going back full time I’ve been promoted and can now afford to pay some more pension to compensate for the reduced years, but fortunately as a civil servant I’ve got quite a decent pension anyway