50 and now what?

[NoStockingsNoSoxes]

It’s not my age that’s the problem, it’s my personality.

I’m so confused about everything.

Happily divorced from ExH and we get along fine. I had some pretty soul-destroying online dating experiences from 2021 to 2022 and realised that it isn’t for me. In all honesty I’m still not over them.

How do I move forward with my life? I feel like I’m never going to meet anyone even to go on a date with, which is fine, but I’m so lonely. Where is everyone?

(Please don’t tell me to learn to be happy alone etc. I’ve been single most of my life and it doesn’t scare me. I’m just lonely!)

Well there are loads of people in the same situation so it's a case of finding the right people

Which I suspect means meeting people - work out what you like doing and join related clubs and social groups

And then when you find out a bit about people try asking them for a coffee or whatever to start to build more friendships

I'm not going to tell you to be happy alone but u will suggest doing hobbies akd activities that are likely to enable you to leet the sort of an you'd actually he interested in.

If you don't meet someone, you'll have new friends and hobbies and an exciting life. If you do, well great.

What kind of hobbies/activities do you already do? What did you use to do as a child etc.?

Would it be possible to move into a more social housing complex?

The MIL has just moved into a retirement complex, and has a fuller social diary than us nowadays.

Retirement complex - at 50?

Well you can move in from 55. There must be options for younger people. Might take some research.

Retirement complex at 50? I'm 71 and not ready for a retirement home yet. OP could have another 40 years in front of her!

https://modaliving.com/

Although if you can afford this.......

Another vote for Hobbies and joining clubs or evening classes. Things like walking groups, art groups and dance groups?

Im not 50 but in a way I am looking forward to it. I am almost 42 and divorced but still have dc at home. I agree that online dating is awful, I have had many bad experiences but have made a couple friends through it. I make more friend by joining Facebook groups linked to my hobbies.

It doesn't have to be retirement there are alternative housing possibilities that are increasingly catering for more communal living.

You might have to take a leap in the dark to make a change in your life, just as knitting clubs or park run don't work for everyone.

Just saying my MIL took a leap to be nearer us at age 78, we found a flat at our local retirement complex that has a communal building and they are out, hire bands, have coffee, go power walking and within 6 weeks her diary was more full than ours!

So it MIGHT be worth thinking outside the usual boxes at your housing and see what is out there.

A brother of a friend of mine moved into an over 55 complex this year.

He wanted to downsize. He wanted the benefit of a complex and for it to be his home before it came to a stage of ‘needing’ to move there. By all accounts he is really happy with his decision.

I think people have a perception that it is only for those unable to live independently. This isn’t true though.

I'm sorry but when you're 50 you can still go to bars and nightclubs (obviously the type aimed at 30+ is preferable as you do want to socialise with teens!)... just as an example there are nights at our local clubs held by djs from the 90s rave clubs where everyone is 30 - 55 or so & they're so good. Anyway I digress...
when you're still young enough to go out on the town & be working for another 20 years why on earth would anyone consider a retirement complex at 50!!!

My mum is 74, she had no option financially but to move into a retirement flat while still working during covid... she never socialises with the older people because it's all organ recitals & girl guide choirs & they are terrible gossips too.
Her circumstances have recently changed in that she's unexpectedly become very poorly & disabled so the flat is more suitable.
But before that she was embarrassed about where she lived.

Seriously you won't meet a silver fox in a retirement flat durjng an organ recital unless 95 year olds on are your type.

Thanks for this (no sarcasm there), I agree that housing can make a big difference. I laughed at the idea of a retirement complex though. I have a 10yo and I doubt he’d be welcome 😂 I will not be moving for at least another 8 years due to his schooling, but after that I guess we’ll see. I took your comment in the spirit in which it was intended, though it did give me a giggle.

We live in a busy city so no shortage of people around. Of course cities can be very lonely too.

Local Facebook groups linked to hobbies like photography for example or music are a good way to make friends; also it's easy to meet new friends at gym classes.. there are so many types of classes to choose from eg dance related, spin, boxing, weightlifting... one of my colleagues has got a good social life through attending a boxing gym.

She had never boxed in her life before.

Every now and then someone puts a post on similar to yours OP. I am mid 50s no children or family. I have a very good job, comfortable life style and heaps of friends.. there's a real difference to occupying your time and loneliness. You can fill all your time and still feel lonely; and not everyone understands that. I honestly feel getting a dog has taken the edge off loneliness for me, I don't come home to an empty house obviously it's not a perfect solution, I can't text him to tell him about my day, he's not going to pick me up when I am out late or know I have caught a taxi. I have been married, in relationships and on my own and being single is really hard.

Soul destroying experiences with online
Dating is normal.
BUT it only takes one non soul destroying experience to meet someone you can share your life with.
Be honest in your profile, vet potential dates carefully and run at the first sign of any red flags.
You sound happy - there's no rush. Just enjoy life and mr right will appear :)

NoStockingsNoSoxes

agree with everyone saying to take up hobbies and try things you have always had a yen for

the good thing is that you may well be able to leave the ten year old for a few hours and pop out

it’s a muscle getting back out there to and into things so start small and see what happens

I’m a LP and Ive switched dating for a certain type of exercise twice a week in the evening and it really helps

you will find your way but it does mean pushing yourself a bit

@lookingforMolly a friend does boxing and loves it. I’m not really the sporty type, though I do go to the gym and swimming. I’ve noticed that I’m becoming (even) more sensitive/anxious since covid. I always assume that people don’t like me and I find it so stressful that I end up just avoiding them. The school run is a nightmare sometimes. I feel like I don’t fit in. (This has nothing to do with my age by the way, I’m not even the oldest mum in the class, and many of the dads are considerably older than I am!)

I’ve tried different types of therapy but it basically seems to come down to “there’s nothing wrong with you, get on with it” but it’s a struggle.

Maybe do a bit of dog walking locally - people talk to you all the time when you're with a dog. It's like a hidden sociable world in a city.

If someone comes along great . Off someone does come along - great ! The moment you stop caring if someone comes along , then someone great probably will .

With the housing ! My mums moved to a housing estate with a few silver surfers

its so much better there as whilst she’s not massively close to anyone shes made a few friends and it’s 1 million times better than her old flat

but I’m the same age as you and not quite ready for that yet either 😂

I really appreciate these responses by the way and I’m glad I posted this. I know I have it pretty good overall and it’s nice to be reminded of that. I just don’t want to waste my life, and I don’t mean “being single” but “being unhappy”. These replies give me something to work with.

Oh nonsense 😉 I’ve never really cared. When covid came I did have the thought of well thank goodness that gets me off the dating hook for a while(!!)
I just don’t think anyone will come along because I don’t think people like me. I think I’m very self-absorbed and can’t seem to change how I come across (believe me I’ve tried).

It doesn’t help that I’ve just fallen apart physically in the last 18 months either, thanks menopause!

My mum's partner moved into a complex/flat for over 55's aged 60 and got a social life out of it that's ongoing 15 years later. I think it's easy to be sniffy if you have a partner or are very sociable, but being near other similarly aged people can be so much better than sitting in an isolated flat.

OP, I'm a similar age to you and have similar reservations about online dating, although my experiences were all reasonable, just the people weren't for me. Sounds like for now you need to give it a body swerve. The school run is not (IMO) a good social event, it's just a question of getting it done, it can be cliquey and stressful.

So, now your son is getting older, see if there are some other opportunities. I agree with everyone that having a more active social life and feeling more integrated into the community will be a benefit whether or not it leads to romance. It sounds like your social muscle is lapsing a bit (peri or menopause anxiety perhaps?) so I'd practice by making sure you go out if you are a home worker even just to the local shop or work in a cafe and chat a tiny bit to those around, or do the same at work. Not as a substitute for connection, but to prevent social anxiety taking over. Then add in something else- dog walking is a great one, but depends on having dog! MeetUp is good if you can find a group you like the activity for- so I like reading/book club type events, but there's a lot of social ones if that's your thing. My neighbours volunteer at a food bank/food delivery service and that's pretty social. Local community cafe- we have two in this area.

Just some ideas, I'm in the same position! I also go to anything I'm asked to, so that people keep asking!

just don’t want to waste my life, and I don’t mean “being single” but “being unhappy”.

i agree . My main barrier to happiness is not that I’m single but because my sons depressed

its sometimes a daily battle to keep chirpy , but I have to focus on positive stuff