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Original poster

DH always jinxes my career opportunities

34 replies

Worldisacircus · 04/07/2023 15:30

Whenever remotely nice thing is in the cards for me and I share it with him, it doesn’t happen. He just says so much negative stuff about how nice things happen to me and not him. And then suddenly I will not get that work/ travel opportunity. I’m in UK and was supposed to fly to Belgium. Or even just another county for a client meeting. And as soon as I tell him it doesn’t happen.

it’s been happening ever since we are married (4.5 years) - even when I was going through promotion process during pandemic he kept saying negative stuff about how I should not go for it. And since I’m back to work from maternity, and had problems at work he said “I told you so you shouldn’t go for promotion “. Instead of being helpful often asks me to chuck it. He himself is fairly good with his work but doesn’t want many promotions or even try for another job. He is “comfortable”.

I don’t have many friends or people to talk to so I discuss about my work with him. But slowly realising I shouldn’t.

he is a good husband and a father. But when it comes to my work he is always negative. I’m in the Financial industry. He keeps saying negative stuff about my industry, company. Saying everyone in Finance is bad. And really weird stuff.

OP posts:
tescocreditcard · 04/07/2023 15:33

He's sabotaging you and running your self confidence down. Heaven forbid you have more career success than him. Reminds me of that headmistress in the private school a few months ago 🙁

TakeMe2Insanity · 04/07/2023 15:35

He should be your chief cheer leaser encouraging you. Sorry, I’m not sure where that leaves you.

TakeMe2Insanity · 04/07/2023 15:35

Cheer leader!

chocobaby · 04/07/2023 15:37

How can you say he’s a good husband when he’s jealous of you and doesn’t want your progress?!
Stop saying anything to him about your work and get on with things on your own. He’s clearly sabotaging your career and you’re letting him do it in broad daylight. That’s jealousy. He told you it doesn’t happen for him. If he’s comfortable not progressing in his career then that’s his prerogative. If you’re interested in progressing with yours then he should give you the space to do so. You have come here to ask so it’s clearly not a good thing for you. A jealous husband is not a good husband. End of story!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/07/2023 15:40

Women in poor relationships write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

He is absolutely neither a good husband to you nor father to your children. He is actively sabotaging your attempts to get work outside the home and would rather see your confidence crushed. This is an abusive man you are dealing with here, such controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour. Like many abusers too, he has further used marriage to up the power and control against you. Your marriage is really over now because of the abuse he metes out and such men do not change, if anything they get worse.

Do read Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. Your husband is in those pages.

YukoandHiro · 04/07/2023 15:41

He's a terrible husband. He's either jealous of you or wants to make sure he can financially control you.
If everything else in your life is happy (which I find unlikely for someone so unsupportive) then tell him nothing about work until it's solid eg don't tell him about potential promotions, job interviews, certainly don't tell him about any pay rises.
Also, call him out on it! Don't get angry but just quietly say "i'm not sure why you're being so critical/unsupportive/whatever" or "as my husband I thought you'd be really proud of this achievement".
Don't let him turn it into an argument, just let it sit with him and see how he reacts to that info.

RobertsRadio · 04/07/2023 15:41

Why didn't your overseas trip happen?

Are saying that your DH has mystical powers and that he puts a hex on any career prospects?

Original poster
Worldisacircus · 05/07/2023 11:02

@RobertsRadioThe client trips suddenly get cancelled or the entire project gets delayed or cancelled. Or I fall sick. It’s not mystical powers but he’s so negative that it feels the entire universe conspires against me.

@YukoandHiro and @AttilaTheMeerkat I have in the past hid 80% of my bonus (I said poor performance by me and the company) because when it comes to buying “stuff” for the house it’s always on me.

When it comes to pick ups in the evening and God forbid I have a client meeting running till 5, he would make sure I feel guilty about not being there or would make an excuse himself to be extremely busy at work.

OP posts:
billyt · 05/07/2023 11:05

So he's not a good husband or father, is he?

NoSquirrels · 05/07/2023 11:12

It’s not mystical powers but he’s so negative that it feels the entire universe conspires against me.

Well, you know he doesn’t have mystical powers so the universe is not conspiring against you.

However, his constant negativity is clearly rubbing off on you, so that you have started to suspect bad things will inevitably happen.

You sound like a higher earner, and you sound miserable with him. Do you want to stay? If so, why?

OhComeOnFFS · 05/07/2023 11:21

Oh he's awful. It must be soul-destroying living with someone like that.

I agree with a PP about "he's a good father" being something that's said as virtually the only good thing about a man. He's not a good father at all because he wants to sabotage the child's mother's life.

What do you think life without him in it would look like?

BishopRock · 05/07/2023 11:24

he is a good husband and a father

Why do you say this after an entire post telling us what a terrible husband he is?

HarrisJu · 05/07/2023 11:25

Well he’s not a good husband and father.
My dh always bigs me up and is supportive of anything I try. I’m sure he must have rolled his eyes when I bought expensive art kits as I’m rubbish at art.

Your dc will definitely notice if your dh sees you as lesser. It’s not good for you or them.

Horizabel · 05/07/2023 11:27

NoSquirrels · 05/07/2023 11:12

It’s not mystical powers but he’s so negative that it feels the entire universe conspires against me.

Well, you know he doesn’t have mystical powers so the universe is not conspiring against you.

However, his constant negativity is clearly rubbing off on you, so that you have started to suspect bad things will inevitably happen.

You sound like a higher earner, and you sound miserable with him. Do you want to stay? If so, why?

This.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 05/07/2023 11:30
Dance Sing GIF by The Masked Singer UK & The Masked Dancer UK

Off he goes

1980to1989 · 05/07/2023 11:32

Worldisacircus · 05/07/2023 11:02

@RobertsRadioThe client trips suddenly get cancelled or the entire project gets delayed or cancelled. Or I fall sick. It’s not mystical powers but he’s so negative that it feels the entire universe conspires against me.

@YukoandHiro and @AttilaTheMeerkat I have in the past hid 80% of my bonus (I said poor performance by me and the company) because when it comes to buying “stuff” for the house it’s always on me.

When it comes to pick ups in the evening and God forbid I have a client meeting running till 5, he would make sure I feel guilty about not being there or would make an excuse himself to be extremely busy at work.

He's doing what he can to sabotage things for you OP.

Read this post again. If someone else wrote that, would would your advice be to them?

He's jealous.

Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

Nanny0gg · 05/07/2023 11:34

Worldisacircus · 04/07/2023 15:30

Whenever remotely nice thing is in the cards for me and I share it with him, it doesn’t happen. He just says so much negative stuff about how nice things happen to me and not him. And then suddenly I will not get that work/ travel opportunity. I’m in UK and was supposed to fly to Belgium. Or even just another county for a client meeting. And as soon as I tell him it doesn’t happen.

it’s been happening ever since we are married (4.5 years) - even when I was going through promotion process during pandemic he kept saying negative stuff about how I should not go for it. And since I’m back to work from maternity, and had problems at work he said “I told you so you shouldn’t go for promotion “. Instead of being helpful often asks me to chuck it. He himself is fairly good with his work but doesn’t want many promotions or even try for another job. He is “comfortable”.

I don’t have many friends or people to talk to so I discuss about my work with him. But slowly realising I shouldn’t.

he is a good husband and a father. But when it comes to my work he is always negative. I’m in the Financial industry. He keeps saying negative stuff about my industry, company. Saying everyone in Finance is bad. And really weird stuff.

He is not a good husband and father.

Good men don't behave like that

ErrolTheDragon · 05/07/2023 11:39

When it comes to pick ups in the evening and God forbid I have a client meeting running till 5, he would make sure I feel guilty about not being there or would make an excuse himself to be extremely busy at work.

That doesn't sound like a good husband and father.
At the point where DHs and my work logistics were fairly evenly balanced, he was delighted to be able to do the pickups, and certainly saw them as equally his responsibility.

Mari9999 · 05/07/2023 11:41

@Worldisacircus
He may respond negatively to your work situation if all you share are concerns and problems. Hopefully, you know that he had no power or ability to control or impact those external situations that you are claiming that he jinxed.

Perhaps, the solution is to speak less about your job. If he is your only sounding board, you will keep getting the same respones; in which case you either listen but ignore or stop telling him.

It does not matter why he responds the way he does, the pattern has always been the same You keep sharing , and he keeps being himself. You can't fix him; you can only change or fix you.

Softoprider · 05/07/2023 11:51

What part of being a good husband is he OP because I can't see that. he is horrible and negative and by the sound of it - jealous to boot

huntingcunting · 05/07/2023 11:56

He isn't jinxing things, he is deliberately sabotaging you.
Obviously, he isn't responsible if a work trip gets cancelled for whatever reason, but the rest of it sounds shit.
You need to work late or have a good opportunity so he deliberately throws obstacles in your way by saying he has to work late or being so negative that you end up believing his shit.

He's a massive knob OP and that is not what a decent husband and father looks like.

Horizabel · 05/07/2023 11:57

When it comes to pick ups in the evening and God forbid I have a client meeting running till 5, he would make sure I feel guilty about not being there or would make an excuse himself to be extremely busy at work.

No one can 'make' you feel guilty about something as normal as a meeting running till 5, and his busyness is irrelevant to your workload. DH has a 'big' CEO job and he absolutely does his utter best to work around my hours (academic, so some teaching hours for big undergraduate lectures, or academic council meetings, can't be easily moved). You sound as if you've internalised his misogynistic idea that being a working mother/wife is somehow odd and unaccountable, and that you should feel guilty and apologetic about not being a subsidiary figure in the marriage.

What's in this for you?

Stillcantbebothered · 05/07/2023 12:00

BishopRock · 05/07/2023 11:24

he is a good husband and a father

Why do you say this after an entire post telling us what a terrible husband he is?

There seems to be this weird need to let us know hubby is amazing and a good husband and father aside from the long post of negative horrible things he does lol.

GroggyLegs · 05/07/2023 12:05

How do you challenge his behaviour?

When my DH gets on a negative spiral a cheery "Right, I've noted all the negatives, can you find something positive to say please?' usually alerts him that he's being a total drain.

Mari9999 · 05/07/2023 12:27

@Worldisacircus
You seem to view this man as being all powerful. You say that he had the ability to jinx your work situations and to make you feel guilty. He does not have the power or ability to do either of those things. If he sprouts nonsense about your having a late meeting and you choose to feel guilty, that is on you. If he is always negative in regards to your job and you keep sharing, that too is on you.

You know who this man is and how he responds, there are no surprises in your situation only very predictable outcomes. Your solution is to either make your peace with this arrangement or consider leaving. You can't fix him. and you really aren't working at fixing yourself.

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