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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

35 with no friends

32 replies

LHJ21 · 03/07/2023 20:05

I’m 35, married with three kids.
But I have no friends, my only social life is with my mum, nan and kids (16, 11 and 9). My kids are all boys.
I have one friend who I message every few months, that’s it. But it’s just “hi how are you” and fizzles out as quickly as it starts.
My marriage is very rocky, we hardly do anything together so feel extremely lonely within my marriage. He has friends at work who he is always out with or messaging.
My work is like a revolving door of people and have never made friendship relationships outside of the work place.

Apart from my parents and nan I’m not close with family members, apart from the odd family occasion and Facebook.

I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to. I never make friends through the school with other parents etc.

I find it difficult to make conversation with others, my only topic is my kids and my mind goes blank otherwise.

Are others in a similar situation?

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 03/07/2023 20:07

Not in your situation but have you got any hobbies? Try some new activities out, join some groups to meet new people.

Original poster
LHJ21 · 03/07/2023 20:10

I have thought about possibly joining a gym group or something similar but due to the hours me and my husband work I’m very tied to the kids.
It is something I’m going to look into though.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/07/2023 20:13

Yes please do something for you- a yoga or Zumba class or walking group locally x

Fergs1972 · 03/07/2023 20:16

I’ve had experience of this in the past and although it’s hard to do, dedicate a solid amount of time per week to join a group as a beginner. Everyone else will be a beginner and you’ll bond from the experience…. Don’t worry if you struggle with social anxiety, it can really bring you out of your shell

do you like reading? Book clubs are quite focused but are really good for not being too overwhelming and people tend to be kind

Once you take control and feel like you have a real outlet, you’ll feel so much better and probably a lot more confident too! See if you can find a local community board in your area. Also don’t beat yourself up because I’m sure you’re doing great and good luck 😊

Fluffytuffs · 03/07/2023 20:16

Going on the number of similar threads on here, you definitely aren’t alone OP. It can be so difficult to make friends when you get older. It’s not any fault within you - I’m sure you have plenty to say for yourself when you’re around the people you’re comfortable with.

Namechangedforthis25 · 03/07/2023 20:17

You sound lovely so don’t take it personally - sometimes these things just happen and life happens without the time or opportunity to make friends

and it’s great that you would like to do something positive about it

definitely look into a meet up group or starting a class eg arts and crafts where you can sit and talk, or a gym class

and then - the awkward but rewarding bit- try and start a conversation if you can. Even if that doesn’t get you a friend it will give you confidence as you will see that nothing bad happens

ie feel the fear but do it anyway. X

Hohofortherobbers · 03/07/2023 20:22

I think your 9 year old is the way forward. You should plan a mums night out, us there a class WhatsApp group? You'll probably only end up with 6 people coming but they'll be the ones most up for it.

ellebelli · 03/07/2023 20:41

I'm the same.
I keep thinking I will join a group or.class etc but I simply do not have the time or energy.
Maybe in the future when my children are older.
I do however spend a lot of time with my husband so am not really lonely but I do miss girlfriends.

TL88 · 27/08/2023 00:40

I’m in a similar boat to you you. 35 and my main group of friends who I’ve known since school days have all moved away to different parts of the country or abroad.

I have one daughter and I work full time so was never able to make mum friends. When I have tried it doesn’t go anywhere, I’m not great at small talk.

It feels terribly lonely sometimes. I can totally sympathise x

Grendell · 27/08/2023 00:46

Apparently some of the dating apps have a section for just making friends.

Catullus5 · 27/08/2023 01:23

LHJ21 · 03/07/2023 20:10

I have thought about possibly joining a gym group or something similar but due to the hours me and my husband work I’m very tied to the kids.
It is something I’m going to look into though.

It's easy to get caught in the parent trap, however, you also mentioned that your husband is often out with his friends. If so, it sounds to me like it would be fair for him to cut back on that so you have time to get out yourself and develop your own social life. Otherwise you have no chance. You'd need to have a conversation with him about that, but you getting out, having fun and having some friends may improve your marriage.

wayyour · 27/08/2023 01:34

I hope things have improved for you in the last few weeks., OP. Did you join a gym or something for yourself ?

AllSewnUp · 27/08/2023 02:17

Hi OP, this website: meetup dot com - it's a website for finding various groups in whatever area you live in. Depending where you live, you may have a decent selection of groups to choose from. I've used it in the past and made some really good friends from art groups. Typically you might find things like walking groups, groups for people to meet weekly or monthly for a trip to the pub or restaurants, art lover groups, groups for folk who love live music and they arrange to see live bands, and so on. If i remember correctly it's free to sign up, some of the groups charge a small fee to join. Might be worth a nose at least?

Good luck, you made this thread so it seems like you might be ready to take the plunge with meeting some new folk x

Yey · 27/08/2023 03:00

You need to meet as many people as possible and hopefully you will click with some. I have had many troubles in my life, I had an absolutely horrific childhood and I didn’t want it to totally define my entire life. I have tried so many things in my life, enjoyed some things more than others. Through all those voluntary jobs and classes I have made some nice friends. Not all of them are the ride or die or call at 3am level if friendship but certainly nice to have a coffee and chat with.

MintJulia · 27/08/2023 03:14

I think you have to be quite determined about this. Find a class or group that really interests you and allocate 2 hours a week that are yours and are non-negotiable. Then be equally firm with yourself, finding the motivation to go along.

I have an hour doing parkrun and an hour at a karate class each week. It makes a massive difference.

truthhurts23 · 27/08/2023 03:22

Do you actually want friends or do you feel like you should because it’s the norm?
I do not enjoy other peoples company, I never have but I am neurodiverse

I do know people who make “friends” easily but they are quite superficial relationships,
and they categorise the friends, this friend is for the school run, this friend is for when I want to have a good time, this friend is good for shopping etc
maybe you can do something like

Whatsmyusername1235 · 27/08/2023 03:22

I find this so sad as this is the second thread I’ve seen about the OP having no friends. You sound exactly like me! I don’t have any friends either and I’m in my late 20’s I feel like I’m at an age where I should have loads of friends. Most of the time it doesn’t bother me at all as I’m only sociable in the right company and would rather be alone than with someone I feel I have to force conversation with.
Is it possible you can take up a hobby? Feeling lonely within your marriage must be really hard and add to the feeling of loneliness. I find it hard to make friends too and it can be time consuming but if you do something that you are interested in you could meet other through that?

Namechange666 · 27/08/2023 13:18

If people find meetup a bit intimidating, there are 2 apps for platonic friendships. One is platook and another is bumble. Yes bumble is a dating site but it has a part of the app that is separate for platonic female friendships. More for one on one. Good luck!

Original poster
LHJ21 · 27/08/2023 18:19

No I haven’t had any changes unfortunately in the past couple of months.
I tried meeting up with an old school friend but she was away on holiday for half of the summer so it didn’t end up happening.
The summer has gone so quickly with the kids, and haven’t had time to myself at all.
I’ve started doing exercise at home and am intending on doing swimming when the kids are back to school on a day when their nan picks them up.
But these are both not interactive with other people.

I’m not a very people person and not fussed about having close friends, but it would be nice just to get a text message or call from someone who isn’t just my mum or nan.
I messaged another school friend through Facebook that I haven’t seen in 15 years but that just fizzled out just as quick as it started.

OP posts:
Mary46 · 01/10/2023 13:16

Its not easy LH. I connected with a school mam we both 50 but honestly took her weeks to pin down a date. Was in a walking group but that fizzled. I do meet another girl the boys were in same school yr. Def takes alot effort.. then you see people with loads friends!

BarelyCoping123 · 01/10/2023 13:41

Same here OP, though I'm a bit older.
If you want to meet people, join things - clubs, sports, groups, hobbies etc.

I'm past all that now, fed up with trying to make friends.

S2411 · 20/01/2024 17:01

Hi
I have the same situation. And I really looking for descent family with children of like your children’s age group mine are almost same little 1-2 year elder than yours and boys. I also experienced lots of abuse in childhood and after grown up. It broke my trust to everyone. I myself couldn’t talk that much to people. Feel alone inside and sorry for myself and my family.

Mary46 · 21/01/2024 11:58

Yes hobbies help but I find people dont commit now to meetups. They def v flakey.

Original poster
LHJ21 · 04/02/2024 18:30

What social activities have people tried? I’m trying to find local groups but there doesn’t seem to be much within my local area.

OP posts:
brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 04/02/2024 21:00

I was in your situation around your age until I found this mad little running club with a taste for beer. Instant friends, loved it.

Then we moved away a couple of years latwr and I can’t find anything even remotely like that where we are now. Now 48 and it’s all dead.