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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

think he means it this time

48 replies

feellikecrap · 23/02/2008 23:33

Dh and I are both working really hard, both stressed. Last night we met up at my brothers house (he and his wife were looking after DD as a favour) and I was pretty horrible I lost my temper at him twice in front of them.

Tonight I met DH when he finished work, he was acting all tired and not speaking much. About 10pn, DD is in bed, he tells me someone has called him and he is going out with friends - generally with these friends ngiht out are nights out until 7 in the morning because they are pretty wild.

I got annoyed - said "why were you acting so tired etc when actually you wanted to go out" especially as he is actually going on a stag weekend next weekend. He doesn't go out a ;lot by himself but sometimes.

He accused me of stopping him going out and totally freaked, huge row ensued, he was sceaming and shouting, he told me he can't stand me, I am working all the time, I am like a 48 year old instead of a 33 year old I am bring and old and he can't stand being here anymore he doesn't want to be with me, he told me he was not going to pick DD up from childcare this week he was not going to help me again, we could sell the house and move into seperate flats.

Then he stormed to bed.

I just feel crap. I know I can be a bitch and I know I have a boring stressful job but in so many ways I feel pushed into working all the time, incouding by DH. I thought he was proud of me but actually he hates me for it, there is no way out, I am old before my time. I try to be fun but I have no time, no freedom, a few people later have commented that I look older than what I am, this is gutting especially as I have always been really into fashion clothes etc, to know I look like a boring old lady. I am trying to exercise to give me more energy and to look good for DH, to see the hate in his eyes is just soul destriying. We have had loads of bad rows before and threatened to leave each other but I never really take it seriously but this time I really think he was telling the truth - he hates me, he thinks I am boring & nasty, he feels trrapped. He is 10 yeara olser than me but not boring at all.

I still like to party but I really don;t have much time these days - I just hate that he doesn't seem to love me anymore - in the past I have never really believed he would leave me but this time I really think he means it. Got noone I can talk to about it, just feel crap. Old before my time and crap.

Sorry so whingey just needed to get it down even if noone is listening, thanks.

OP posts:

colditz · 23/02/2008 23:35

he's bing a brat. It sounds like you need to MAKE time to see each other.

Dior · 23/02/2008 23:37

Message withdrawn

MissingMyHeels · 23/02/2008 23:39

If you're both tired and stressed it is natural to argue. Not right or fun but happens to all of us. Can you get someone to have the kids for the weekend and go away? Or even do one night during the week?

Quality time with no external pressure can be really useful as you sometimes don't realise quite how affected by everything you are. People say nasty things when angry, sure he didn't mean to be so horrid. Maybe treat yourself to some "you time" too.

Big hugs, try not to worry too much tonight and see how the land lies in the morning after a good nights sleep!

BoysOnToast · 23/02/2008 23:43

you need to go to relate or find some other way to communicate.

you are both saying/thinking things based on assumptions you both have of what the other is thinking. it is pretty common... and esp as you are both working long hours.

i would say, that on the surface (ie the info in your OP) it looks as though he is not making you feel very good about yuourself - quite the opposite - and that, imo, that does not make for a succesful long term relationship or a happy home. you deserve to feel good about yourself, as he deserves the same. i get the feeling here that his rights in that respect are somewhat more important in this relationship. and that is Not Good.

write stuff down. just brainstorm, be it a narrative or points or what... help to get your miond clear oin major things you want to talk to him about, and then make a time to do so, when you are both calm and not angry.

good luck.

Original poster

feellikecrap · 23/02/2008 23:45

But the comments about being old and working too much,

Its so impossible. My job is so demanding and getting more demanding. I can't do it wihtout him to pick up DD etc, he knows that, but then again I am doing it for us not just for me, he knows that too. i wouldn't working that hard for fun.

And I just feel so old, its really weird we have been ttc (and failing) and I was old I had "old" eggs, then a few days ago someone guessed my age as older than I was and I was thinking how old my job (and suits etc) make me look and how my face and eggs are shrivelled before their time, now I get him saying these things, its hurtful because I think it must be true. I know his biggest problem is that I can be so nasty, don't know how to make it all better. Dreading tomorrow.

I do love him so much but I also get so angry with him.

OP posts:

Original poster

feellikecrap · 23/02/2008 23:47

I am definitely horrible to him a lot of the time. I can be really hurtful I suspect I am a huge part of the problem/

OP posts:

Dior · 23/02/2008 23:54

Message withdrawn

BoysOnToast · 23/02/2008 23:55

like i say, you both really need to find a non-confrontational way to really communicate. something it doesnt sound like has been going on for some time.

Original poster

feellikecrap · 24/02/2008 00:02

I would love to change the way I act to see if it changes the way he acts but I seem unable to do it.

Working so much is hard and I don't see any let up in that - but I have to work most evenings at home for example. On the one hand he is pushing me to work on the other hand he is so resentful and angry about it.

He does get so aggro thought, he always has, it doesn't scare me but its so unreasonable, today he smashed his mobile phone all over the floor. TOmorrow he has to work.

In the old days I would have insisted we make up before bed, these days, I just don't know, on one hand I don't believe he would leave me on the other hand I really do feel like he hates me - but then he probably feels the same.

We have lots of people coming over tomorrow to cook for - lots of family, thats not unusual but it all adds to stress.

I kind of want to just climb in next to hin and tell him I love him but he will probably jusr react angrily, can I be arsed?

Thanks all for letting me ramble.

OP posts:

Original poster

feellikecrap · 24/02/2008 00:04

We have always been confrontational.

We are close and we talk about everything but we have always rowed really nastily and been disrespectful to each other. Its very hard to change, I suspect if I changed, he would follow because soemtimes I think I am worse

OP posts:

Dior · 24/02/2008 00:05

Message withdrawn

dragonbutter · 24/02/2008 00:06

I think if that's what you want to do, then you should do it.

Dior · 24/02/2008 00:08

Message withdrawn

Original poster

feellikecrap · 24/02/2008 00:11

Thanks all. I know I love him. IN so many ways I think we have a really strong relationship but the stuff he said tonight has thrown me, if he meant it then we are finished.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 24/02/2008 00:12

Sorry - can I just rewind a bit to your OP?

He says he isn't going to "help" you by picking up DD? Er, WTF? Is that not his job then - looking after the children? What kind of comment is that? How exactly does he see you? What are his responsibilities?

That aside.....you both sound blardy stressed, and, you oughtnt have lost your temper with him so publicly. Very humiliating for him. (Although I think that in reality, it will have been you that was thought badly of, rather than him, but he'll feel emasculated all the same).

Sounds like you both have issues, and neither wants to back down.

OverMyDeadBody · 24/02/2008 00:16

Sounds like you are both under huge amounts of pressure and stress, and that you have both also fallen into negative ways of communicating and interacting with each other.

The cycle needs to be broken. I don't know how you might go about changing your behaviour patterns so you are not so nasty to him though, but at least you are aware of this and know that you need to do womething to change it.

It is often the first move towards change that is the hardest.

Feel free to ramble and vent here, it always helps!

Original poster

feellikecrap · 24/02/2008 00:23

He does bang on about picking up DD from childcare and how great it makes him compared to every other guy he knows where the man is the one with the full on job.

He does do more around house than me really compared to most men I know he is pretty amazing when it comes to domestic stuff but much as he loves her he doesn't enjoy looking after DD particularly, he hates the fact it interferes with his work (he works for himself, close to the house). He has older kids who he stayed home with for years and has been there done that to an extent, staying home with DD just does not cut it for him.

But yes I am a bitch.

OP posts:

Original poster

feellikecrap · 24/02/2008 00:25

I think he always threatens the picking up DD thing because he knows how f*ked I would be if he didn't do that, I would have to resign. Of course he would then be f*ked to becasue my wage pays the mortgage and most of the bills. I think he says it becuase he is trying to make a point stupid as it is.

OP posts:

mumof2fabkids · 24/02/2008 00:29

Dior, I think you've hit the nail on the head. We've been like this too, I used to see my H as the enemy, being all resentful cos I'm in an job I don't want to be in, long hours, crap manager, pressure, kids, house, everything most women go through nowadays but we always try to work through it now. Trying to break the habit is hard as he is the only one who I can take things out on,but it's the way you say things, not always what you say that can set them off. I find I get my point across better if I just talk, not get aggressive and defensive, and he responds better too. Feellikecrap, see how things go tomorrow, try to be calm, but be strong too, it's bloody hard doing what you do, he must realise that. As others have said, try to have a bit of time to yourselves, it really will work wonders, just takes some planning and willingness on both your parts. Hope things work out xx

Original poster

feellikecrap · 24/02/2008 00:29

I had 2 days this week where I got picked up in a cab at 7am and didn't get back until over 12 hours later. It doesn't happen every week (usually I take DD to childcare every morning and back not long after 6) but when I have to, I have to and this makes me absoluteley reliant on him being around. My job takes priority over his mostly.

But its been a long week. He has been getting up at 4 am to work whereas I have been working until 3am some nights. Its not good for us

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 24/02/2008 00:30

Go up, eat humble pie, say sorry and start as you mean to go on.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 24/02/2008 00:31

"eat humble pie" is not a euphemism btw .

although..........

Original poster

feellikecrap · 24/02/2008 00:32

OP posts:

Original poster

feellikecrap · 24/02/2008 00:33

Thanks evryone. Sometimes a problem shared is a problem halved.

Thank goodness for MN (regular poster on a namechange btw)

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 24/02/2008 00:45

oh, really? we hadnt noticed

Things will seem better in the cold light of day. Go get some sleep. Sounds like you need it.

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