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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

think he means it this time

48 replies

feellikecrap · 23/02/2008 23:33

Dh and I are both working really hard, both stressed. Last night we met up at my brothers house (he and his wife were looking after DD as a favour) and I was pretty horrible I lost my temper at him twice in front of them.

Tonight I met DH when he finished work, he was acting all tired and not speaking much. About 10pn, DD is in bed, he tells me someone has called him and he is going out with friends - generally with these friends ngiht out are nights out until 7 in the morning because they are pretty wild.

I got annoyed - said "why were you acting so tired etc when actually you wanted to go out" especially as he is actually going on a stag weekend next weekend. He doesn't go out a ;lot by himself but sometimes.

He accused me of stopping him going out and totally freaked, huge row ensued, he was sceaming and shouting, he told me he can't stand me, I am working all the time, I am like a 48 year old instead of a 33 year old I am bring and old and he can't stand being here anymore he doesn't want to be with me, he told me he was not going to pick DD up from childcare this week he was not going to help me again, we could sell the house and move into seperate flats.

Then he stormed to bed.

I just feel crap. I know I can be a bitch and I know I have a boring stressful job but in so many ways I feel pushed into working all the time, incouding by DH. I thought he was proud of me but actually he hates me for it, there is no way out, I am old before my time. I try to be fun but I have no time, no freedom, a few people later have commented that I look older than what I am, this is gutting especially as I have always been really into fashion clothes etc, to know I look like a boring old lady. I am trying to exercise to give me more energy and to look good for DH, to see the hate in his eyes is just soul destriying. We have had loads of bad rows before and threatened to leave each other but I never really take it seriously but this time I really think he was telling the truth - he hates me, he thinks I am boring & nasty, he feels trrapped. He is 10 yeara olser than me but not boring at all.

I still like to party but I really don;t have much time these days - I just hate that he doesn't seem to love me anymore - in the past I have never really believed he would leave me but this time I really think he means it. Got noone I can talk to about it, just feel crap. Old before my time and crap.

Sorry so whingey just needed to get it down even if noone is listening, thanks.

OP posts:

Dior · 24/02/2008 18:47

Message withdrawn

BecauseImWorthIt · 24/02/2008 18:52

Can you afford to get better childcare? It sounds like your job is running you ragged enough without having to worry about picking DD up.

No idea what you do, but if you're both working those long hours then it sounds like you need a bit of help. A mother's help, perhaps? Or could you afford a nanny, so that DD is in her own home?

pedilia · 24/02/2008 18:57

Are you happy in your job? Is it possible you could change your job to one less stressful?

Original poster

feellikecrap · 24/02/2008 19:36

well we kind of sorted things out today. His main gripe had been be losing it in front of my family and he said he didn't mena the things he said told me he loved me. Then he went to work and came back and cooked a lovely meal for my family..

then.. over dinner he was ranting really loudly about politics and I told him to keep quiet as most of us wanted to eat in peace - yes what a bitch - and he totally lost it stormed upstairs screamed and shouted.

My family knew I was being a bitch - he is trying to teach me a lesson about being rude to him in public - its deserved really. Wish I could be sure I wouldn't do it again but I aren't sure I won't. Think he really has had it this time - I always knew this would be what pushed him just don't know how to stop myself being nasty to him in public - why cna't I just let him rantaway especiailly when he has just cooked an amazing meal.

What a bitch I really am. its quite unbelieveable really. Yes he is agro but I am bad.

I have really "got the message" this time but is it enough to change a bad habit? I am not sure... isn't that pathetic.

OP posts:

Original poster

feellikecrap · 24/02/2008 19:36

What a bitch I really am. its quite unbelieveable really. Yes he is agro but I am bad.

I have really "got the message" this time but is it enough to change a bad habit? I am not sure... isn't that pathetic.

OP posts:

Original poster

feellikecrap · 24/02/2008 19:38

and yes the wowrking is a problem as we are both stressed but think this issue is not all about the working - its about the fact that I am a bitch.

OP posts:

pedilia · 24/02/2008 19:49

but isn't that fact that you are under such massive pressure at work contributing if not casuing you to be a bitch (your words not mine

Original poster

feellikecrap · 24/02/2008 19:56

It would be nice to think so but I'm not sure. I have always been like this - my mum has pulled me up about it lots of times and told me not to do it.

Its odd because he is quite strong and domineering in other wayss but for some reason he has let me get away wtih it for too long.

Its bad when your own mum points it out, right?

OP posts:

quint · 24/02/2008 19:57

Have you thought about having some councelling of your own - not necesarily relate, but you maybe need to go and talk to someone and try to get to the bottom of why you get so angry with him.

Is it possible for you to change your job - you sound like you hate it and it seems to cause nothing but problems, are there ways you could economise on other areas so that you didn't need to earn the salary you are on now.

pedilia · 24/02/2008 19:59

I agree with quint- maybe some counselling for you or anger management would be in order?

Original poster

feellikecrap · 24/02/2008 20:46

I have thought about it before. Its strange because I really wouldn't want to be with any one else, I find him very attractive etc.

I did it to my XP too, in some ways worse because he wasn't as strong as my DH.

You would think being aware of a problem it would be easy to change but its not.

OP posts:

Original poster

feellikecrap · 24/02/2008 20:47

I don't hate my job BTW its a really good job I just hate working so much - we are totally depenedent on the salary - its not a matter of "cutting down" expenditure.

OP posts:

Original poster

feellikecrap · 24/02/2008 20:47

Thanks for taking time to respond BTW

OP posts:

quint · 24/02/2008 20:48

But its making your life at home so crap, you need to get the balance right

Original poster

feellikecrap · 24/02/2008 21:03

I need to find a balance yes.

I kind of see the hard work at the moment as temporary but its possible its not.

We work in very different industries which makes it harder to understand - I notice that lots of people in my profession are marrried to others in same profession.

Giving up work just not an option right now but we are both working hard entirely so that we do have more options in future.

I don't know, I guess I need to do a bit of navel gazing and try a bit harder.

I should be working tonight, hes in the same room ignrinig me, me on computer all the time is not exactly conducive to emtional intimacy I know that. When we went on holiday things were so great we are supposed to be going again with DD in a couple of months but surely its not ok only to have time together on holiday.

I think one prob is he often works weekends we have hardly anytime together where one of us isn't working, then we go and do somehting like see family or friends and are together and just piss each other off because there has been no chilled out time together beforehand for so long, its so hard to suddenly have to be a loving couple when you are just burned out.

OP posts:

Dior · 24/02/2008 21:04

Message withdrawn

Original poster

feellikecrap · 24/02/2008 21:05

I miss just having time together and having fun together and just being a family.

He is away next weekend too.

OP posts:

Dior · 24/02/2008 21:06

Message withdrawn

Original poster

feellikecrap · 24/02/2008 21:08

I would never give up on the relationship just wonder whether he has given up. It feels kind of like that.

In some ways its bad because I always assume no matter how bad the row is we will be ok I have such faith in us as a couple but thats quite a dangerous way to be because one day he might turn around and say thats it.

OP posts:

Dior · 24/02/2008 21:10

Message withdrawn

Original poster

feellikecrap · 24/02/2008 21:25

I think it is.

But how do you make time when you are working FT, trying to be a good mum and maintain intimacy and closeness with your child, keeping on top of the housework, trying to exercise (so you don't look as old as you feel) etc etc etc

Its hard you know. Good childcare would help unfortuantley I can't afford a nanny right now. That would probably be best option.

Thanks for advice.

OP posts:

Dior · 25/02/2008 20:37

Message withdrawn

Emprexia · 25/02/2008 22:50

It sounds to me like you need to learn to count to ten.

I have AS and can often be a bitch and say things in anger i don't mean, or say something and have it come out the wrong way.. which my DH reacts badly to.

One thing i've found that helps is if i get the urge to say something i sit on it for a count of 10 and imagine how it'd sound.. and then see if i can try and reword it not to sound so harsh.

Perhaps instead of telling your DH that you all wanted to eat in peace, it would have been better to try and change the subject and bring him down.

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