There is no one in my life who asks if I’m ok.

[Ifyousayso1]

It’s getting me down lately.

Im 4 years post abusive 12 year marriage. I’ve got a 7 month old who hasn’t slept more then 2 hours since she was born. She is exhausted now but screaming and refusing to sleep. I’m so tired.

Its like I don’t exist anymore. There isn’t a single person in my life my side or partners side or anyone who has ever asked me if I’m ok. I’m not ok, I’m really tired and down lately. I’m recovering from the abuse slowly, being tired has brought some emotions to the surface lately. I’ve just realised that I’m on my own, no one gives a . His parents have commented on the things I do wrong but other then that nothing.

I'm sorry to hear you're not ok. It really sucks when you are so alone, particularly in difficult times, and having a non-sleeping 7 month old is very difficult!

Is your partner supportive at least?

I'm sorry you're not OK, we care about you, do you want to tell us a bit more? x

I understand what you mean. I was going through a rough patch recently and for maybe the first week or two, people would ask and check in was I ok. After that…. Radio silence. It didn’t really bother me but I can see why it would bother others. The way I see it, people might not know you’re struggling , have you been open with your family and friends about how you’re feeling? Could you start a convo with a good friend about this and lean on them a little? Don’t take it too much to heart , sometimes people have all sorts of crap going on in their own lives that means they don’t have the time/energy/ don’t even think about checking in. Sometimes people don’t think a single thing might be wrong with you unless you vocalize. I hope that your partner is giving you all of the support he can.

He does sometimes but I don’t think he understands. His mum gets to him and I think he starts to side with her that I should cope better. I can’t help the way I fell, I’m so so tired from lack of sleep and I suffer fatigue and pain since I left my abusive marriage. Plus I had a terrible birth with a major bleed and still anaemic. I’ve never had people care about me all my life and it’s got to a point where I don’t understand what I’m doing so wrong. I see people on social media post there issues and getting so much support, whereas I’m always alone.

His mum says he deserves more sleep as he works. I’m on maternity leave and have a 7 year old from my ex. He does get more sleep as I send him downstairs to sleep so gets 6+ he’s and me 2-3 broken a night. She msgs him to say she has made a bed so he can go and have a sneaky few hrs instead of coming home after work. I’m in desperate need for sleep and help.

I’m so sorry you are having a difficult time @Ifyousayso1 please feel free to vent your frustrations to us here and maybe we can offer some advice. Does your partner know how you are feeling, are they helpful? Is it worth going to have a chat with your GP or your Health Visitor about how you are feeling and see if there is any support they can offer you. Or do you have Homestart in your area? X

I guess I’m just feeling a bit ignored. My work colleagues who had babies the same time have so much help and love from their in laws and mine doesn’t even acknowledge me when I walk into their house. I have my mum only now but she is too ill to help with anything. His mum will msg him to say do you need help with the baby, he says can you msg …”Tara” as I’m at work and nothing, she won’t speak to me. I don’t know if it’s because I was abused in the past or because they think I should be invisible and not struggle or need help sometimes. I’m fed up with being ignored.

I know it’s not quite the same as having people in real life but after reading your post I’d like to say you deserve better. With kids who don’t sleep you are amazing to be functioning at all (and I say that from experience). I’m sure there are a lot of people on here who care, and will happily listen if you need to vent. Feel free to update and vent/moan if it helps! Your DP needs to step up and help out, definitely stop allowing his mum to put you down. Take care xx

@Grumpybanana I could be so much better but I’m often snappy and short tempered because I’m absolutely exhausted. I have so much guilt as I don’t have the energy for my 7 year old let alone all day and night with the baby. Then my partner needs attention. Then all the meals to make for weaning…I’m not doing anything I’m supposed to and end up buying pre made jars. His mum will make a comment like she needs to sleep in her own cot. I know that but she wakes every 30mind and cry’s and wakes the oldest so she ends up in my bed. She could offer to take her for a night.

Cut your mother in law out of your life. If your partner doesn't want to support you in that tell him you don't want to hear anything about her; where she is, who with and what she's doing and you'd appreciate if he didn't discuss you as a new mother over text messages as it's disrespectful and you're doing your best on very little sleep and zero support

But why are you having to do it all? DP should be sharing the load when he’s home, even if you were getting a full night’s sleep every night! It’s his child too… it shouldn’t all fall to you.

But also, and it’s easier said than done I know, but don’t judge yourself on what you can’t do. If you don’t have time to make amazing baby food, don’t. If you have to use jars- that’s fine too. Eventually (hopefully!) you’ll be getting more sleep and will be able to do more but right now it’s just about survival! Have you asked DP to do more? Does he work long hours? I mean you shouldn’t have to ask at all but if he isn’t helping you might have to.

Also consider baby led weaning, I did it with both of mine and it saves making different meals, obviously it isn’t for everyone but something to consider if you haven’t already.

Your partner can have more attention when he steps up and helps more and you have more time and energy and sleep! He isn’t a puppy, he will cope while you focus on spending time with the kids and just getting through each day exhausted.

It's such a hard time of life - hormones rocketing around, chronic long term sleep deprivation, a new person to care for and yet no one seems to care for you.

i would have a chat with GP, health visitor or some professional at a mother and baby clinic to explain how low you feel and how difficult it is with the baby not sleeping.

I would also use whatever shred of energy you have left to ensure you, your partner and baby fuse together as a unit and don't let his mother divide you. Try and get out together at weekends, even if just for a walk around the park.

Try and keep track of when the baby naps and use that time to do something for yourself, and at weekends, something with your partner, even if it is just a coffee at a cafe together.

i was advised - get out of the house every day and have a conversation with an adult every day or you'll go mad. It was hard but it was good advice. You do have to take care of yourself and not hope someone else will do that for you.

I'm married to someone on the spectrum and he wouldn't even think to ask if I'm ok or how my day has gone as he sadly has zero empathy.
Could you try taking you lo to a baby class and hopefully find a likeminded mum ( or even dad come to that ) who is also in need of the occasional shoulder / ear to sound off to ?

I guess it’s making me feel like my children who should have a mum who is better and copes better then me. I’m not looking for much just some understanding and to know that some people do care. Everything I ever say is met by his parents with well when I had my children I could do this and this and balance on my head with my arms tied together etc etc. I start to invalidate myself and what I’ve been through. I had an emotional breakdown when I left my ex due to the abuse and he was denied access to his child for years.

I’m healing but I’m not so resilient as normal people. I try because people think I should be better but I’m not due to what I went through. I’ve stopped talking to them really but I’m just fed up with people thinking we are all the same when we are not. I need support and love sometimes because I’ve never really been shown any.

@Jennalong ive always suspected my partner may be on the spectrum. He doesn’t have empathy, hoards stuff, can’t make a decision about anything, constantly jiggles his foot.

Is this your first child ?

I felt exactly the same after having my LO, men have no clue how easy they have it! My partner wasn’t particularly supportive after having our LO and although I forgive him I will not forget the way he was.
I was just simply told to get on with it, that there are other mums out there who have gone through the same thing so just deal with it.

I started to feel better in myself around 3-4months postpartum- do you think perhaps postnatal depression could be affecting you? It’s worth talking to a GP about this.

Please go easy on yourself. Having a baby that doesn’t sleep is exhausting. It’s why sleep deprivation is a form of torture. I couldn’t function and was very low for around 12 months after the birth of two of my children. I thought I was a failure as a mother and wife and that I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. But as soon as the baby started sleeping through the night then my dark cloud lifted. It was all caused by sleep deprivation. So get whatever rest you can whenever you can, buy ready made baby food and don’t feel guilty about it, leave the laundry pile when you just can’t face it. Your mental health and being rested is the most important thing right now, for you and for your baby. And ignore MIL if she is making snide comments. Or distance yourself from the in-laws if they are making life hard for you. Ask DH to take baby to his parents house by himself for a few hours every weekend so you can have a nap.

What do you need, @Ifyousayso1 ?

Time to make a list.

When I did this, I had to go out and buy a red pen, because my capitals and underlining didn't display enough fury. It started off being 'I need a, b and c', and ended with 'ANSD I F**CKING NEED X Y AND SOME BASTARD ARSING Z!!!!

Express yourself.

@Watchkeys i need to be noticed and I need sleep. I need people to understand that I don’t have the resilience like others do. I’m fed up of acting fine because anything less is frowned upon. I mean I am fine, I’m not depressed, well I don’t think so but I’m so tired.

Every time I say I’ve had a hard day because the baby has cried, my oldest has not listened to anything, I’m emotionally exhausted it’s met with yeah my day was hard at work also or that’s being a parent. I know those things but that’s not what I want. Or sleep when the baby sleeps…and if she doesn’t sleep. His parents say I get the day to rest at home whilst he works, I don’t rest. Nobody seems to care about me whilst I’m caring for everyone else.

I need people to understand that I don’t have the resilience like others do

What makes you think that this is the case?

@Watchkeys I don’t know, people seem to have it together whereas I’m just surviving at the moment and feel alone. I’ve also suffered so much emotional abuse I just don’t have the patience anymore, I get overwhelmed quickly. But then I have zero support and no one to talk to hear me. For example now I’m sat upstairs with the baby so she can sleep as she is teething and won’t sleep alone and my 7 year old is alone downstairs and she doesn’t like being alone. I feel so guilty but I’ve no one to speak to make myself feel better. Every time I’ve opened my mouth to speak to the people in my life I’m shot down. I sit in silence now when we visit his parents.

I’ve also suffered so much emotional abuse I just don’t have the patience anymore, I get overwhelmed quickly

This is like saying 'I just ran a marathon, and now I don't have the capacity to run anymore, and I get upset if someone tries to make me'

You're not feeling close to the edge because you don't 'have resilience'; emotional abuse has used up your deep, deep resources of resilience. That's very different. You're exhausted, but that doesn't make you 'less' than other people. Whether they have it together or not isn't the issue. It's whether they would have it together if they'd been through what you've been through. And unless you think that everybody has a history with lots of emotional abuse in it, then you'll have to accept that quite possibly, your feeling of overwhelm is absolutely normal, standard, average, and actually, healthy, behaviour/emotion, given your circumstances.

You can speak to yourself and make yourself feel better. You are currently abusing yourself, using your abuse as a weapon to hit yourself with

I try because people think I should be better but I’m not due to what I went through

You are telling yourself that you are somehow less than people expect you to be, because you were abused, but you could be telling yourself that abuse was like a form of emotional 'gym', where you struggled and suffered, but you came out stronger, and now you're in a position to say 'NO! I've had enough of this!' which is a strong stance.

Why do you visit your in laws instead of staying home? Do the kids visit them too? Could your partner take them, and give you some time to stare cross-eyed at the wall and think nothing for a bit?

I do tell myself I deserve people to treat me better and actually care. I can’t change how people treat me. I have started to go less and less and talk less. I just wonder why can’t the people in my life have a bit of empathy towards me, I wonder why they don’t. I know they can’t understand what it’s like to be abused or understand why I put up with it. I get the feeling they think it’s my fault or it wasn’t that bad.

I just wonder why can’t the people in my life have a bit of empathy towards me, I wonder why they don’t

Because they're a bit shit. That's really all the explanation you need. It's not other people's responsibility to make sure we, as individuals, are happy. Some people are disrespectful and uncaring, or don't fit with us and our own ways of thinking/feeling. It is up to us, as individuals, to choose our people to fit our feelings, not to change to what other people think we should be.

They judge you badly? Don't see them.

They think it's your fault? So what? They can think whatever they want.

They might think your hair is made of custard. Would you get upset, or would you think 'They're nuts! They just believe stuff that isn't true!' If it's the latter, then why is it any less nuts of them to believe that something was your fault, when you know it's not true?

I'm so sorry. Can you ask partner to take kids out so you can nap?
Can you get our to children centre groups?

No wonder your not feeling good if little one is only sleeping 2 hours at a time. I felt this when my little one was 6 months, I was so exhausted 😩 felt like I was lifting the plot. I did sleep training and we got our lives back. Google it, it was a life saver for me! Xx