There is no one in my life who asks if I’m ok.

[Ifyousayso1]

It’s getting me down lately.

Im 4 years post abusive 12 year marriage. I’ve got a 7 month old who hasn’t slept more then 2 hours since she was born. She is exhausted now but screaming and refusing to sleep. I’m so tired.

Its like I don’t exist anymore. There isn’t a single person in my life my side or partners side or anyone who has ever asked me if I’m ok. I’m not ok, I’m really tired and down lately. I’m recovering from the abuse slowly, being tired has brought some emotions to the surface lately. I’ve just realised that I’m on my own, no one gives a . His parents have commented on the things I do wrong but other then that nothing.

@Watchkeys I’m so fed up with drama and having to ignore people and have people be off towards me. I should have vetted the in-laws so I had decent ones. I really can’t be bothered with all this nonsense anymore. I’m a good person who got into a place I couldn’t get out of, I just want a bit of support. I hate this when I was in your shoes I could do this and this. It’s just a round about way of saying why can’t you. But they weren’t abused and even if they were we all handle things differently.

I literally can’t imagine hearing my child was suffering and their partner when they are older and not sending a msg to ask if they are doing ok or need any help. They even booked a caravan holiday over the week of my induction. Who does that, my mum who is unwell had to look after my older daughter. I know it’s not their granddaughter but still they could have helped us considering I was having their baby granddaughter.

Yes, they're crap. You can drive yourself mad trying to work out why, or feeling hard done to, but who will it help?

Can you tell them to stop, when they start? 'I dont really want to hear your negative views of me, thank you' or something? What would happen if you did that?

But really, it's not up to you to train someone to be nice to you. If saying 'I think I'll stay at home when you go and see your mum, I could do with some time to myself' is causing drama and people being pissed off with you, you're with the wrong people, and you need to find a way to end that. Why do you think you have to ignore anybody? I didn't go round to any of my family's houses today and they don't think I'm ignoring them. If they're deciding that that's what you're doing, that's their gubbins.

I think it just fuels this feeling that I’m not good enough. Not good enough to have been treated well by my ex husband or friends and now my in laws. Perhaps I don’t realise I’m not a nice person. I’m not sure if this is because of the trauma I’ve suffered or what but I just want to feel liked because I don’t feel very likeable. My ex always had so many reasons why I deserved what I did. He has moved on to someone much younger and looks happy and isn’t doing to her what he did to me. If people can like him even after what he did but not me then it must be me.

Honestly? I think you sound amazingly resilient! It's just that your well of resilience is running low at the moment. With some self care and TLC you will hopefully start to feel a bit better.

Please give yourself a break. Go and buy pre- made weaning food, and don't even try to make your own. Take that expectation off of yourself right now.

If you can afford a bit of assistance, get some. Whether it's a cleaner once a week or fortnight or someone to look after your DC while you get some sleep. Whatever respite you need.

Lower your expectations of your MIL. Be civil to her, but there is no need to go out of your way to try to get her on side. At this point it is up to HER to get you back inside. Take your DD to playgroups/baby groups while your eldest is at school. This is your opportunity to make connections with other mums of young DC. You won't necessarily make fabulous friends (but you might!) but don't underestimate the value of having a shared moan over a cuppa at a cafe with people who understand.

I had PND and anaemia and I would recommend iron transfusion or b12 shots depending on your anaemia type if you can afford it. there is a lot going on in your situation but taking care of the biologic tiredness is something I strongly recommend and is probably the quickest (you should feel better within a week post infusion) as other stuff need longer time (therapy, medication, sleep training..)

Give yourself a break, stop beating yourself up. When I'm overtired and wired like you might be now my brain goes on overdrive, and I become my own worst enemy. You need to get some support, and if it's not coming from your family you need to go elsewhere. Can you speak to your GP, or your Health Visitor, or is there a baby group you can get to so they can signpost you to further support? If you can get to a group once a week with other mums you might feel less alone, and there will at least someone to make you a cup of tea. I'm not churchy but I've heard that church playgroups usually have decent tea and biscuits and sympathy.

Drop all expectations of your in laws, accept that they are shit. Leave them to it, they're not going to help you, save your energy. In terms of your partner, spell it out very clearly that you are about to burn out and you need some practical support and it needs to look like XYZ, ie I need you to take both the kids for an hour when you come in from work, I need you to do the night shift every other night, I need you to deal with dinner/laundry/ whatever it is that you feel will help this week.

I'm not sure if you're getting any help with the impact of the abusive relationship, but if not then could you look at doing so? There's nothing wrong with you, and you don't have to do it all alone.

@Ifyousayso1 how are you feeling today? Did you get much sleep?

@Grumpybanana The baby settled around 1:30 but then the eldest came in around 3:30 as had a nightmare, she woke the baby and that was that so I’m tired today again.

When I’ve slept I’m much better. It’s easier for me to keep everything at bay. I know deep down I’ve been through a lot and to give myself a break. When I’m tired all my fears and issues look so big.

It's hard to believe this when you are in the thick of caring for tiny children, but older people who say, 'when i had mine, I managed to...' are all talking absolute bullshit. The truth is, we are programmed to forget how awful and hard it is and how inadequate we feel. His mum will have had meltdowns and been shattered. She's just forgotten that stuff.

This is one of the hardest times of your life and it feels forever when you are in it but it will pass. The only advice I can give is please, please be less hard on yourself. I was so eaten up with anxiety and exhaustion and guilt when DC were small. I had PND. But over the course of their lifetime, they've had a stable, constant, loving presence. Sometimes grumpy, frantic, impatient, sometimes mistaken, sometimes so shattered she can't think straight, but overall loving, supportive, kindly, upbeat, affectionate.

You don't have to be a perfect, patient paragon. You're not a Stepford wife. And it's OK for children to see that you have a full range of emotions including sadness, desperation, irritability. You are human. They can thrive with a less than perfect parent. For millenia, that's how all children have survived.

Wow, no wonder you're feeling shit if your baby is 7m and still not sleeping!

I second looking into sleep training. Ferber method is a great middle ground. A few nights and you'll have your sleep back and everything will look much brighter. You can't carry on like this indefinitely.

Think you've really answered your own needs in this, you need sleep so do everything you can do to help little ones sleep so you can also!! They actually need the sleep too! Focus on this, not what everyone else is doing? Also where is your partner? Xx

Do you have children?

Getting a baby and toddler to sleep is easier said than done. I suspect OP is already doing everything she can to get them to sleep so she can rest too

You’re only human, give yourself a break.
its ok to feel like you’re not ok. motherhood is hard, and worse when you are severely sleep deprived.
the fact that you’re questioning whether you’re “good enough” for your children shows that you are, because you care and want the best for them.
Are you breastfeeding or bottle feeding? No judgement- both methods fine so long as baby is healthy :)