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Original poster

Moving abroad for DP?

35 replies

allthingspinkx · 03/07/2023 11:21

My DP & I have been together just over 1/2 year now which I know isn't that long and he's asked me to move abroad with him for his work early next year. He wants to live there for the rest of his life and start a family there etc. I'd love to live there but I'm scared I'm being silly moving for him without a proper commitment? I.e marriage/engagement.

Im 25F and he's turning 26M this month. We don't currently live together so this will be a first. I love him and could see myself with him for the rest of my life but I want to make sure im not being stupid here.

Any thoughts/advice?

OP posts:
rogueone · 03/07/2023 11:23

Far too soon to be making such a huge commitment. He has told you he wants to move and stay there. Are you willing to do the same?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/07/2023 11:27

No I would not do this under such circumstances and besides which you have not known him long enough.

Love is not always enough in such situations

Some more questions
Is English widely spoken?
What part of the world is he moving back to?. A continent will do if you do not want to name the country
Can you work there?. Is your job transferable?
what are women’s rights like in this country?

Original poster
allthingspinkx · 03/07/2023 11:27

@rogueone he wants to move with me, he's said he wouldn't go without me, we have a house lined up there ready to go when we want if that's a little clearer but he hates his current job and really wants to make the move asap.

OP posts:
piglet81 · 03/07/2023 11:29

Much too soon. Whether I would consider it further into a relationship would depend on the country and its position on women’s rights, family law, employment prospects/visa requirements etc etc.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/07/2023 11:30

He should go without you.

Sounds like he could quit his current job as soon as he returns to his home country. Is this property part of the job offer or is this owned by his relatives?

Original poster
allthingspinkx · 03/07/2023 11:30

@AttilaTheMeerkat Yes English is the first language and thankfully my job have said I can work from home, all my bills would be paid for so I'd end up better off financially by moving.

OP posts:
OhBling · 03/07/2023 11:32

I disagree with other posters. You are young enough that I think it would be totally fine to give this a bash, not least becuase it sounds like financially you'd be okay as you could carry on in your current job and you'd be saving some money too.

What I would say is don't even consider getting married or having DC until you've lived with him, and in this new place, for at least a couple of years. You need to be completely certain that this is the life you want but once you're married or have DC, moving back to England becomes really hard vs right now when it would literally involve booking a plane and coming home.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/07/2023 11:32

May I ask which continent his home country is in?. How easy would it be for you to return to the U.K. in the event this all goes sideways?.

Ginger1982 · 03/07/2023 11:32

Absolutely not! You've been together 6 months!! Let him go and then you visit him.

Original poster
allthingspinkx · 03/07/2023 11:34

@AttilaTheMeerkat It would be easy for me to move back home but this is where the problem lies since my family is moving also so I'd be the only one left here really if I decided to stay.

OP posts:
Coolblur · 03/07/2023 11:35

I think if you were to do this you'd be better off not being married or tied in other financial ways so that if it doesn't work out it's easy to walk away.

OhBling · 03/07/2023 11:35

Can I just add that I have lots of friends and family, myself included, who moved abroad in their 20s to try something new and different. Sometimes that move involved a partner, sometimes not. Some of those moves became permanent. Some didn't. Some led to subsequent different moves. But in your 20s is the best time to do this sort of thing - you don't have the financial responsibilities nor (usually) responsibility for other people (children, elderly parents etc) and it's a lot easier to just get on with things.

I'd see this as an opportunity for a great adventure as long as this country is one you genuinely would like to live in/explore AND you feel confident you can create your own life there alongside and with your DP.

DreamingofMonday · 03/07/2023 11:37

Live ,love ,laugh and be happy .

Original poster
allthingspinkx · 03/07/2023 11:38

@OhBling thank you, I do feel confident starting a life there and DP has never given me a reason to doubt him thus far. He's really supportive and keeps me in the loop about everything going on in his life. As I said my family is also moving so I'm not sure if I'd even want to stay where I am next year.

OP posts:
Us3rname · 03/07/2023 11:39

I'd check you can actually legally work from abroad & that your work really supports it. Your work might let you WFH, but there are tax implications for working for a UK company from abroad. Also some countries won't let you immigrate and work for a foreign country. Would you get a visa?

Original poster
allthingspinkx · 03/07/2023 11:41

@Us3rname I don't want to give much away but it is still classed as the UK there. Sorry abroad might have been the wrong term to use.

OP posts:
talknomore · 03/07/2023 11:45

How much do you know of the culture about the place you will move to? I mean first hand not from your DP or movies?
Tax situation can be researched and make sure you know what that means to you. Not living with him yet means you will have even greater adjustment to make.
It all can be done. It will be great adventure.

Original poster
allthingspinkx · 03/07/2023 11:49

@talknomore we visit there often and have been myself around 10 times now. He lived there when he was younger so knows it well. Thank you for the advice regarding tax, I'll look into the laws there a bit more.

OP posts:
ChateauMargaux · 03/07/2023 11:50

You don't seem to be jumping for joy at the idea of this adventure.. ..

Work said you can work from home but can you work from another country?

Are there visas involved? Some countries allow digital nomads, some will require you to register as an independent contractor ... Sometimes companies risk exposure to local employment legislation and even corporation taxes if they have employees resident in that country.

Will it be easy for you to get a job in the new country if you ever decide you want a change from your current job.... what are the progression possibilities within your current company / in other companies?

Does your partner have a job lined up in the new location?

If you were offered an unmissable opportunity in another country, would he follow you?

Read the Living Overseas board... many trailing spouses on there... left years later having given up their careers, lives, friends, put their own needs last, looking back.. having lived comfortable lives but maybe not what they had imagined their lives might turn out to be...

Open mind is important... having goals and dreams of your own that will be met my the move. Your first instincts are probably correct... the positives will be right, as will the negatives... no place or life is perfect.. it is our ability to balance the needs of everyone in the family / partnership and the ability to make the most of the positives and mitigate the negatives that will determine the success of the move.

honeypancake · 03/07/2023 11:52

Looks like financially and professionally you won't lose, you like the new country, your family are moving somewhere too, I would say yes to new adventures with the man you see your future with. But, I don't think it is unreasonable to tell him you would prefer to be engaged/married to take that risk of moving and living together, if that is what you want of course. It is always scary to move but in your case I only see positives in moving!

ChateauMargaux · 03/07/2023 11:52

The image of being dragged along behind a speedboat being bumped repeatedly by the wanes, waving frantically, wanting to slow down, while your partner, driving the boat, thinks you are having the time of your life and want to speed up... is one that sticks in my mind. How would this play out in your relationship.

piglet81 · 03/07/2023 11:54

allthingspinkx · 03/07/2023 11:41

@Us3rname I don't want to give much away but it is still classed as the UK there. Sorry abroad might have been the wrong term to use.

So…not abroad at all, just another part of the U.K.? Channel Islands?

Original poster
allthingspinkx · 03/07/2023 11:59

@piglet81 yes it's another part of the UK.

@ChateauMargaux My partner has a job lined up there and I don't need a visa to work since it's still technically the UK. I asked him if he'd follow me abroad if I got an opportunity and he said no, I'm thankful for the honesty, his heart is set on this place and he wants someone he can be with forever there. It's rarely the men moving for the women, they look at it differently. I do want to live there, it's somewhere I always imagined I'd want to live, the problem isn't the place it's my fear of things not working out.

OP posts:
OhBling · 03/07/2023 12:03

For a start, it's bollocks that it's rarely the men moving for the women. I'd say it's about 50/50.

It IS about who feels more strongly about where they live. DH told me, very early on, that he wasn't moving back to our home country and that if we were going to have any chance of a relationship, I had to accept that. I had the choice at that point, early on, to say yes or no. my BFF had similar with her ex and she wasn't willing to stay so they broke up.

On the other hand, my dad moved to be with my mum and DD's BF's parents live here because this is where her family is, even though he would prefer to live where he grew up.

This feels like a low risk option to me. You move. worst case, relationship doesn't work out and you either return or just stay living there but break up. As you'd have family nearby, it seems like a no-brainer to me.

liveforsummer · 03/07/2023 12:04

Going against the grain here but what have you got to lose. It may not work out but you can move back and it will at least have been an adventure and you'll have experienced living in a different country/culture. Alternatively it might work. I'd just hold off on the family part for a good while. That's where it gets complicated