Should I tell my DSis that her comments on my chemo body upset me?

[Ijustliveaquietlife]

Bit of background: I am nearing the end of treatment for breast cancer. Had lump removed, both breasts reduced and all lymph nodes removed because cancer had spread. Last chemo this week and then Radiotherapy.
My DSis called me over the weekend for a chat and she made comments about my body being bloated from my treatment and asked if the bloating would go afterwards. I was a bit taken aback by her bluntness tbh. I don’t remember what I said back to her but changed the subject and cut the call short.
It has been playing on my mind all weekend and I now feel judged by the way I look – Up until now I have just been getting on with it one day at a time, but now I wonder if other people are judging me because of the way I look? I have lost my hair too so my confidence is pretty low.
I feel like I should tell my DSis but have no idea how to word a response to her without upsetting her. My DS thinks I should let it go, but it is really playing on my mind. Will it make me feel better if I tell her?
I would really appreciate some words of wisdom from MN.

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this treatment and really hope your health is great from now on.

Is DS your son? If I were him I'd be having a very strong word with your sister. Of course you were upset. It's hard enough having all the treatment without feeling judged as well.

OhComeOnFFS Thanks. My son is an adult but not confrontational (neither am I) so can't ask him to say anything. I have 2 D sons and both have same temperament. They are amazing and very protective of me x

I would talk to her face to face and explain it upset me, focusing on how it made me feel.

If its still playing on your mind (understandably so) I would tell her. It doesn't have to be an argument, but it sounds like you want her to know that she has upset you. If it helps, I think she was in the wrong and was being very insensitive.

Good luck for the rest of your treatment xx

I would say:

'I didn't appreciate you making comments about how bloated I'm looking. I already have enough on my plate and feel self conscious enough about losing my hair without adding that into the mix.'

And leave it at that.

I cannot imagine saying something like that to someone who is going through cancer treatment! Honestly, what is wrong with some people! Your Sil obviously didn't take 2 seconds to consider you're feelings when commenting on your body so do not feel awkward about telling her how it made you feel. You will be glad that you stood up for yourself and won't burn with anger when you remember this in the future.

You could write it in a card if that would help lessen the confrontation. So sorry you've had this to think about while going through your treatment. Let her know how you've been feeling about her comments then forget about it and let yourself heal. Your sons sound lovely, as do you. Happy recovering.

Thanks. I don't feel like I can tell her face-to-face or over the phone without crying tbh! So I was thinking about sending her a message - I don't want an argument either, I just want her to know that it not appropriate to make comments about my body. Just don't know how to word it without offending.....

Just seen some other replies, thank you. A card sounds good xxx

I'd send a message

"I've reflected on the phone call we had earlier, and I'm really quite upset that you've chosen to bring up my appearance. I'm in recovery from an aggressive illness and extensive surgery. I had really hoped that my loved ones would realise how hurtful it could be to discuss my appearance as a result of all that. I expected better from you"

Also if you start overthinking yourself, wondering what your sil will think of you for raising this: DON'T!

She was wrong and fully deserves to be called out on it. Remember she wasn't tying herself up in knots to build you up when she commented on your body, so dont get yourself in a muddle trying to figure out if you are justified in saying anything. People tend to rely on others not liking confrontation in order to say whatever they like. You have to feel the awkwardness and do it anyway. Your right to express your feelings aren't inferior to her desire to be nosy and rude.

I would say something absolutely. It’s not an argument to tell someone that something they said or did was hurtful.
Perhaps she genuinely didn’t realise how bad it sounded and how that might upset a person and if she genuinely didn’t realise then you can forgive a genuine apology.
Even if she didn’t realise, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t express how you feel.

It’s how we learn after all! If you don’t tell her how you’ve made her feel how can she reflect back and do better next time?

best wishes OP x

If it's playing on your mind, talk to her.

Are you generally close? Anyone bar a mother/sister/very close friend shouldn't really be commenting on appearances at all. But people do notice, and those who are close to you might comment. Did she actually say anything negative, or just note that you are bloated?

Asking/hoping that steroid bloat (if it is steroids) goes away spontaneously isn't just a comment on your appearance - it's concern for your well-being and your future.

But someone who hasn't had cancer may not realise how any comments on body changes (or anything else to do with cancer and its treatment) can misfire. Which is why I've written a post about how she may well have meant something the opposite of critical, and not judgemental of appearance - rather just noting a change and commenting on it, with hopes for its resolution.

You may have other reasons for not thinking that's the case, or just be lost in the profound bodily and mental shock that goes with diagnosis and treatment, and the many, many, many changes that brings.

As well as seeking to ease your mind about your sister, have you looked in to any other cancer support services? Do you have a local cancer support centre? What do they offer?

Yes I’d want to say something too. I don’t think I’d choose a card as it takes such a long time and I’d be dragging it out. I’d rather message to get it over and done with.

And also a text is fine, if it makes it easier for you. Again, I wouldn't be stressing over how to do it. Just do it in the easiest way for you. The absolute cheek of some people.

The day I brought my first baby home from the hospital after an emergency c section, somebody asked me when I was going on a diet. I'm so angry that I didn't go nuclear on them but felt too vulnerable at the time. Send that text!

I know sisters who are so close that they have the kind of relationship where they could talk bluntly and matter of factly with the other, without the other feeling more upset by already upsetting circumstances.

If this isn’t you, then I’d say you didn’t appreciate her comment, and could she keep such thoughts or questions to herself.

if she’s generally nice and a good sister, I’d let it go and give her the benefit of the doubt, that she didn’t mean any unkindness.

Is there a chance that it was well intentioned on her side more like a concern about side effects. It’s very wrong thing to say but some people are not very bright when it comes to empathy and can be too blunt in expressing their thoughts.
I would message her that her mentioning bloating left you upset, you were going through the difficult treatment and expected her to be more understanding and supportive. And then I would expect full unreserved apology.

Hope the rest of your treatment goes well.

What do you want to happen as a result of telling her? Is she generally nice? Do you normally have a good relationship? Is thins about you wanting to tell her off and show that you are cross or do you just want her to be aware of what happened. I'd suspect she wasn't doing it to upset you.

I'd say something along the lines of.

"Hey Sis, can I ask something, I'm actually feeling pretty shit over the whole cancer thing and I really, really need people to be careful with making offhand comments. I don't think you realized it but your comments about me looking bloated upset me" at which point I'd hope she would jump in with a big apology and then you can both crack on with other things.

Id phone and mention it during a conversation. It's hard to text things like that without sounding confrontational.

Is your DSis married/have a serious parent? Does your DS have a relationship with them? Couldn't they let slip to their uncle/her partner that the comments had upset you, so that it gets back to her that her behaviour is unacceptable without anyone having been confrontational?

Thanks everyone. I knew you would help me put things into perspective. I'm sure my sister didn't mean it in a bad way and I should give her the benefit of the doubt but I will mention it next time we talk. I'm feeling much better already! I won't dwell on it anymore xx

I'd see it like @InTheMiddleOfIt - worth mentioning, as it might give her an idea of how you're feeling and how much support you need.
Hope you feel better soon and no, no-one sensible will be judging you about your appearance.

I think your sister needs a filter!

I'm sorry you've been through treatment, I've been there and it does get better. If you feel up to it have a look at the look good, feel better charity site. I went to one of these sessions and came away feeling much more positive, but I recognise they're not for everyone.

Its good that you have worked out a way to deal with it, because she needed to be made aware.
Just wanted to say that from your post, you've been taking this one day at a time and dealing with it all, which seems such a good way to deal with it. Outward appearances will improve as you continue. Don't let this derail you. Your DS's sound lovely BTW

It sounds like your DSis has misread your attempts to 'get on with it' as 'not being bothered by it'.

How about:

"Laura, I know I don't talk about it much because I'm trying to stay positive, but I'm really aware of how much my body has changed and I don't feel comfortable talking about it unless I bring it into conversation."

Bless you OP - that's the last thing you should be feeling right now!

How about a "I'm sure you didn't mean it to, but I wanted to let you know that your comments when we last spoke about my bloating really upset me. I wish I wasn't bloated, but quite honestly, it's better to be bloated than the alternative. I know my body has changed because of my treatment and I feel self conscious enough as it is, without being reminded about it."

I wish you all the best for your continuing recovery OP.

Bless you! For what its worth this may not have been ill intended comment - just a poorly worded one

I think you can just let her know its a touchy subject so you would appreciate it not being mentioned again - and it can be sent via a text. Any normal person would understand where you're coming from