Unsure if I'm being cheated on or just paranoid

[Anonymous2468]

My partner proposed to me several months ago after being together for 5.5 years. However, since the proposal his whole attitude towards me has changed. It feels like he's constantly putting me down and making snide remarks towards me. He had been really irritable and has a short fuse. When he's angry he talks at me through gritted teeth.

On our recent holiday, he caused an argument on day one with his snide remarks, which left me in tears and feeling pretty vulnerable abroad. He is so distant and cold with me too. He withholds affection. When I ask him about it, he denies being cold towards me and will refuse to talk about our issues, often changing the subject and really acting like nothings happened. The other day he even picked up his phone and started scrolling social media whilst I was trying to have an open, honest conversation with him. I said this whole thing was making me unhappy and he replied with "what do you want me to do about it?".

I've vaguely confided in a friend but have downplayed things as I don't want anyone to think badly of him and tbh, I'm probably scared they'll confirm my fears. My friend has asked if he could be playing away but until now I honestly felt really confident that he was not the sort of guy to cheat.

However, we are in bed gone midnight ready to sleep for work the next day. His phone buzzes and when he checks, there's some span mail and he reads out the name of the company and says "why am I getting notifications from them this time of night". I'm laying right next to him and notice a message from a female I've never heard of - he does not comment on this notification so late in the night though. It felt almost as if he drew attention to the spam mail to say "oh that's all that message tone was, nothing important". I don't know, just something feels off.

I've been concerned for a few weeks now that all the red flags are pointing to narcissism and possibly borderline abusive tendencies (such as gaslighting) but without concrete evidence to stare me in the face, I'm worrying it's all in my head. Now I have this concern on top that he could be a cheat. I have never in our entire relationship accused him of cheating or thought that he has so this is new territory for me and I am so confused if I should confront him.

I could really do with other people's thoughts on this and to hear if you've shared similar experiences.

Thanks in advance and sorry for the long post.

Read your first paragraph back to yourself and consider whether it really matters if he's cheating or not.

He's treating you like shit. Why would you want to be with (let alone marry) a person that treats you that way, that makes you upset and ruins holidays?

Don't waste your life on that man.

^ this

The bit where you said he reads out the name of the spam company resonated with me. I've experienced this... he's overcompensating. He's aware of the fact he's checking emails etc excessively and is trying to verbally explain it.

On top of everything else you've said, I'm actually really confident he's cheating... but that aside, he's not a nice guy. Get out.

To be honest I don't really think it matters if he is cheating or not, he's treating you like absolute dogshit whatever he's up to. The reason doesn't really matter if the result is the same.

I think I'd bin this one off.

We've had some incredible years together though. He hasn't always been this way. I can't help but wonder if it is my fault, or if I could be doing things differently. I can't help but worry that if I break things off I'll come to regret it and realise he's not the bad guy I've built him up to be in my head.

I sound simple and like a doormat I know, as your advice is probably what I'd be saying to anyone else in my situation. But I feel like I can't trust my own judgement or instincts these days.

Also, I find it hard to wrap my head around how one person can change so much after years. Or is it really possible for people to hide their true colours for that long 🤷

Overcompensating.. Thank you, that's described how I felt about the situation, perfectly. You put it better than I did. Also worth mentioning that I had not enquired. His phone buzzed and I thought nothing of it at first, so he offered this explanation without being prompted.

That said, he often reads innocent messages out in front of me, such as from his family - not to me as such just reading aloud so to speak. Which again makes me doubt myself and wonder if this could be innocent after all. However, this wouldn't have felt any different to those other times, had it not been for the message he didn't acknowledge from this woman - who equally (like the spam mail), messaged so late in the night.

It is often the case that when you marry or get committed the family stereotypes you grew up with kick in and you and/or your partner and your families start behaving as what they have seen at home or what they unconsciously believe are the roles they are meant to play.

Is he behaving like his dad towards his mum? or the way he behaves towards his sisters/female colleagues? if so, be prepared to return that ring to recover the man you loved because believe me, this man you are going to marry is not the one you have been with and he needs to know you are not the kind of woman who will put up with that shite.

We've had some incredible years together though. He hasn't always been this way.

And that doesn't matter. Read about sunk cost fallacy, op. Wether he's cheating or not is completely irrelevant. What IS relevant is that he's been a cruel, abusive arsehole and you should have left him months ago. Raise the bar, op. This man is a shitbag.

Do not marry this nasty cheater!

As usual, the first response nails it.

@ForTheSakeOfThePenguin, that'slan interesting perspective. I know his step dad was a toxic man but his mum pretty much told him as a kid he had to suck it up as step dad was the breadwinner so they needed him. (A huge burden to put on a child). It has crossed my mind that this may be impacting his behaviour somewhat. Perhaps he thinks that I too need him more than he needs me? Thankfully I have a successful career, but he is more successful still. Maybe this feeds into it all somehow.

@Aquamarine1029, sunk cost fallacy? I think I've heard of this before. It's like repeatedly throwing money/time/resources at an already failed venture trying to redeem it, effectively wasting even than your original investment, right?

I understand the metaphor. I've wasted 5.5 years which might seem like a waste to throw it all away, but if it's ultimately going to fail in the long run anyway, best not to waste a further 10 years say, and regret that I hadn't left sooner.

Yes, op. You've already invested enough of your life in this relationship that's going nowhere. Don't be foolish enough to waste one more day.

You will never, ever get the happily ever after you wish for with this man. It's never fucking happening.

This is enough: "I've been concerned for a few weeks now that all the red flags are pointing to narcissism and possibly borderline abusive tendencies (such as gaslighting) but without concrete evidence to stare me in the face, I'm worrying it's all in my head"

Cheating would just be the icing on a the cake.

I'm pretty sure my friends partner was cheating a few years back. He treated her like your partner is treating you - with contempt. My friend found some evidence which he then denied and I suspect he dumped /paused affair partner.
He's now starting to mistreat my friend again.
I think he's restarting / looking for new victim /affair.
So my warning is that it will be a repeating pattern.
Who wants to be with someone who can't treat them with decency?

Just get out! If he is, he's an arsehole and not worthy of you, if he isn't he's still an arsehole and not worthy of you! You deserve better!

Agree 100%

I’m sorry OP but whether he’s cheating or not is irrelevant. If it does make it easier to cut your losses though, feel free to tell yourself that. Others will respect your decision to end it if you just say “he did a complete 180 and started treating me very badly, I can’t live my life like that” - end of story.
In another light, I’ve been with my now husband for over 23 years and we’ve been through our ups and downs obviously. We came very close to ending it one time and sought counselling because we both truly wanted it to work. We both managed to learn from our behaviour and move forward together. While this might be unusual for the same issues not to resurface, in our case we both learned how to communicate better. Now that I’ve written both options down, you will favour one over the other. I’d go with that. No one should judge you for trying everything to save a relationship. Maybe he’s depressed? Worried about finances? Grief/loss/things he hasn’t told you? Yes maybe he is playing away. There’s a whole lot of options, but only you know deep down what you’d like to do about it. Good luck .

By staying and letting him treat you this way, you are effectively saying there are no consequences for his ill treatment of you. You don’t need him to acknowledge or make excuses for his poor behaviour, you’ve told him, he knows.

I would say he is either cheating or considering it (so emotionally cheating already) my exH changed completely, in response to his own guilt and also to try to create a backstory that we'd been unhappy for some time and therefore his actions were somehow excusable.

I was in your exact situation and pregnant too, so it was even harder to know whether to trust my intuition. He ended up breaking our engagement off and leaving just before baby was born, so I didn't need to be brave and leave him, but now I look back, it was when I stood up for myself that he was awful and blamed me for everything and was never there to support me. We also had some great years and special close and fun times, but only 6 months after breaking up and after counselling I can now see clearly that i deserved so much better to be treated like that and it wasn't my fault. You don't deserve this don't stay with him just because society is celebrating your engagement so much.

I would calmly sit down, hand back the engagement ring and sat "I can't marry you" and then calmly walk away.

Came in to say exactly this.

Why would you want to be with a man who 'makes snide remarks' and makes you feel shit.

What does it actually matter if he's a cheat. That's like sprinkles on icing on a massive 3 tierd cake of bs at this point.

Don't be one of those people who stats with a partner who treats them like crap and only leaves when it turns out he is cheating. Don't waste your life with shit people in it. If a bastard is a bastard THAT is why you leave. Not because he is a bastard who happens to cheat.

Tbh it sounds like he thinks you are trapped now he's got you engaged so is letting his mask drop more and you're seeing who he really is.

When people tell you who they are - listen.

Why is he treating you this way after asking you to marry him? Something has changed and you need to find out what. Is it the idea of getting married that has changed him, does he actually want to do it? He seems unhappy but if he is he should walk away, not take it out on you with horrible and cutting remarks. Does he want you to end it? Is this why he’s treating you so badly with no real reason, without ending it himself? Of course it is a possibility that he’s also seeing someone else, but as others have said that’s not even the biggest issue here. He’s sounding quite emotionally abusive. I think you need to have a serious think about this and see where that leaves you. IMO, it won’t get any better, if anything it will probably get worse. Speaking from experience here, but also this is just my opinion on the whole thing.

Just an update, I now have reason to believe I was wrong about him potentially cheating and was able to put my suspicions out of my head. That said, I have never doubted his faithfulness before, and realise that the contempt he has treated me with triggered these suspicions. Although I was likley wrong, I guess I was looking for an explanation for his sudden hostility towards me.

I booked and paid for us to have a night away last night and felt like I was met with criticism and negativity from the moment we arrived. I feel emotionally drained after the trip.

Anyway, I've since ended the relationship today. I didn't really give much of an explanation, just that I no longer like the way this relationship makes me feel about myself. It hurts like hell and my heart is aching but I also feel somewhat relieved. My family have been brilliant in supporting me.

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and the kindness you have shown.