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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Unreasonable Partner

34 replies

Mike375 · 02/07/2023 21:33

I'm looking for advice regards my partner and why she is unwilling to do anything I ask.

Bit of background, we have been together about 10 years and lived together about 8.
Our daughter was born just over 5 years ago and we moved into the new home 4 years ago.

When we first started dating it was all exciting, meals, dates, trips and lots of holidays.
Since my daughter was born in 2018 my partner has refused to do anything, and I mean pretty much anything I ask, whilst I know pregnancy and childbirth aren't easy I didn't think our adults lives would completely end.

She refuses to do any cooking and I'm left making all the meals, she made one attempt last year and has managed cheese on toast once this year.
If I don't want to cook she will just go out and get herself and my daughter a takeaway and I am ignored and left to get something myself.
She refuses to do any household chores except a hint of ironing once or twice a month, but only her own clothes, not mine.
I have to do literally everything, all the hoovering, polishing, washing and general tidying. She has only hoovered once in the 4 years we have lived in this house
She hasn't been food shopping at all since my daughter was born 5 years ago as she's too busy, but still finds time to go shoe shopping.
Anything like DIY, decorating, gardening she won't even discuss it.
I keep asking what we are doing with my daughters room as it needs a lick of paint but she just doesn't respond.
We went on holiday in may for the first time since 2017, when she became pregnant.
Which was a constant fight as she would only go all inclusive so she didn't have to think about where to go for food.

She flatly refuses to have sex, always has 50 excuses as to why not, headache, tired, to late, too early, eaten too much etc etc.
We've had sex once in 6 years, if I bring it up she says I'm being unreasonable.

We both work full time yet I'm expected to look after my daughter when she finishes school, at 3.15 until 6pm as my partner is too busy with work.
I still have to work but she doesn't see that as an issue.

My parents have both been in and out of hospital for the last few years with several problems yet my partner always finds an excuse not to go over.
Yet I'm expected to go to the in-law at least once a week whether I want to or not.

I've gotten to the point I just want to leave and shattered and can't see an end to the way she behaves.

OP posts:

Dacadactyl · 02/07/2023 21:37

She sounds like an absolute nightmare. Could it be that she wants to get married and if you're not prepared to do that then she's not prepared to act like your wife? That's the only thing I can think of that might make her behave like this.

Try going to counselling with her.

DustyLee123 · 02/07/2023 21:37

I can’t see why you’re still together. Good job she works, so she can keep herself.

Deathbyfluffy · 02/07/2023 21:38

Time to leave!

gotmychristmasmiracle · 02/07/2023 21:39

I would say you have done something to upset her and she's not told you and is making you pay by behaving this way.

If she can not discuss many things I think it's probably time to call it a day!

Shoxfordian · 02/07/2023 21:41

It doesn’t sound like she wants to be married to you anymore

Original poster

Mike375 · 02/07/2023 21:46

Thanks all, not married yet but we did get engaged about 7 years ago.
Unfortunately she wasn't particularly keen on any of the venues we saw except one, then after the baby came along she hasn't been interested.

She isn't an awful person she just won't do anything.
About 50% of the time I ask a question she just blanks me, then I have to ask again and she will say she was thinking and I'm being unreasonable.

Problem is I'm getting more and more annoyed with her and don't want my daughter to hear/see us arguing all the time

OP posts:

stephaniezanoni · 02/07/2023 21:48

Time to leave, sounds like a nightmare of a life. Sounds like you have put in way more effort to be a parent, perhaps suggest she is the one to leave and she can have visitation rights, she sounds like a lousy mother.

yipeeyiyay · 02/07/2023 21:49

Not sure what you are getting out of this relationship OP.

Dacadactyl · 02/07/2023 21:51

@Mike375 because you have a child I'd look into counselling, but she is treating you badly at the minute. If nothing changes then I'd cut my losses in your shoes.

Original poster

Mike375 · 02/07/2023 21:54

I'm not getting much out of it at the moment, that's for sure.
She is a good mother and does put an effort into it, but it's more fun than doing the washing.

Worst thing is as my daughter has become older and needs less attention, my partner has become broody and wants another child, yet still refuses to have sex.
But can't see the problem with her logic.

OP posts:

PussInBin20 · 02/07/2023 21:57

Not much of a partnership is it? Sounds like she wants you to end it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/07/2023 21:59

Nothing to save here. She’s not a good mum if she’s got no interest in maintaining her child’s home or feeding her properly. She’s a shit mum and an abysmal excuse for a partner. Break up with her and find yourself some happiness.

BiscuitsandPuffin · 02/07/2023 22:04

You say she's always working. Who is paying for everything?

Dacadactyl · 02/07/2023 22:05

They both work FT.

pimplebum · 02/07/2023 22:07

Odd

Have a go at counselling but I think it sounds so mismatched that it's doomed to be honest sorry

NegativeNelly · 02/07/2023 22:10

No sex in years?!? That's not right Mike, think of your happiness and get out. She isn't communicating with you, you're not a mind reader you are meant to work as a team for your daughter.

guzzleandstuff · 02/07/2023 22:15

Split up. First sort out how you would take care of your daughter. This is pointless and another child would make it worse. You can share care of your daughter. If you do the cooking and school pick ups anyway - and the housework and the laundry you should find it straightforward.
She will not change - and has no reason to at the moment.
It'd be better for your daughter to see you both happier.

Opentooffers · 02/07/2023 22:35

Get the house valued if you both own it, then see if one of you can buy the other out of equity, or if its a case of selling. You may both co-parent well, while being able to get on with your own lives. At the moment, you are making each other miserable.
You seem to be at a loss as to why this has all happened, that shows how poor communication has been for years. For some reason she has stopped short of leaving herself and fobs you off about it all. Say you are going to leave and mean it, it's going to take something drastic to get through to her by the sounds of it.

Original poster

Mike375 · 02/07/2023 22:38

I have told her I don't see how we can go on like this anymore, it's just going to spiral down and down and we need to take a break at least.

She doesn't understand why, says she doesn't refuse to do anything and that I need to explain things to her better.
Like give her specific days to cook and if I want her to hoover etc then I need to take my daughter for the day so she has time to do the housework.
I explained other people manage and it's part of life but she just doesn't get it.
She thinks it's all in my head.

OP posts:

Cheesandcrackers · 02/07/2023 22:47

It sounds like an awful relationship tbh. Don't have any more children with her. Get your ducks in a row. Make sure you document/record all the things you are doing. Then ask her to leave.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/07/2023 22:59

You don’t need her permission to split up. You’ve been flogging a dead horse for years and it doesn’t sound like a happy home for your daughter to live in.

Once you’re no longer living with her sapping all the joy from your life you’ll realise how awful things have been.

You’re not married so you don’t have to navigate divorce. One of you can buy the other out or you’ll have to sell. It doesn’t sound like she’ll want your daughter much if she can’t be bothered at the moment. You’ll find only having to cook and clean for yourself and your daughter much more enjoyable.

Just do it. The decision is the hardest part.

londonmummy1966 · 02/07/2023 23:08

Other than the after school who does the childcare? Who does the life admin? Are your hours shorter than hers if you can do the school run? Is she the main earner? Does she feel she needs to work all hours to pay the bills? If she's working all hours then I'd say that you have reverse stereotype roles - so she s doing what lots of dads of young DC do and working all hours to avoid doing the housework and childcare.

However do wonder if she has untreated postnatal depression. Perhaps try gently suggesting that she looks for help?

Thighdentitycrisis · 02/07/2023 23:10

Did she just want a child and then once that happened, checked out of the relationship?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/07/2023 23:11

londonmummy1966 · 02/07/2023 23:08

However do wonder if she has untreated postnatal depression. Perhaps try gently suggesting that she looks for help?

Oh come on 🙄

OhamIreally · 02/07/2023 23:37

Does sound like a reverse. Lots of men leave the cooking and childcare to the woman.

No sex in six years would be a good enough reason to leave though regardless.

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