Unreasonable Partner

[Mike375]

I'm looking for advice regards my partner and why she is unwilling to do anything I ask.

Bit of background, we have been together about 10 years and lived together about 8.
Our daughter was born just over 5 years ago and we moved into the new home 4 years ago.

When we first started dating it was all exciting, meals, dates, trips and lots of holidays.
Since my daughter was born in 2018 my partner has refused to do anything, and I mean pretty much anything I ask, whilst I know pregnancy and childbirth aren't easy I didn't think our adults lives would completely end.

She refuses to do any cooking and I'm left making all the meals, she made one attempt last year and has managed cheese on toast once this year.
If I don't want to cook she will just go out and get herself and my daughter a takeaway and I am ignored and left to get something myself.
She refuses to do any household chores except a hint of ironing once or twice a month, but only her own clothes, not mine.
I have to do literally everything, all the hoovering, polishing, washing and general tidying. She has only hoovered once in the 4 years we have lived in this house
She hasn't been food shopping at all since my daughter was born 5 years ago as she's too busy, but still finds time to go shoe shopping.
Anything like DIY, decorating, gardening she won't even discuss it.
I keep asking what we are doing with my daughters room as it needs a lick of paint but she just doesn't respond.
We went on holiday in may for the first time since 2017, when she became pregnant.
Which was a constant fight as she would only go all inclusive so she didn't have to think about where to go for food.

She flatly refuses to have sex, always has 50 excuses as to why not, headache, tired, to late, too early, eaten too much etc etc.
We've had sex once in 6 years, if I bring it up she says I'm being unreasonable.

We both work full time yet I'm expected to look after my daughter when she finishes school, at 3.15 until 6pm as my partner is too busy with work.
I still have to work but she doesn't see that as an issue.

My parents have both been in and out of hospital for the last few years with several problems yet my partner always finds an excuse not to go over.
Yet I'm expected to go to the in-law at least once a week whether I want to or not.

I've gotten to the point I just want to leave and shattered and can't see an end to the way she behaves.

I do most of the life admin, sort out the bills, cars etc
We both work from home and do similar hours, she does a 9 day fortnight so has every other Friday off.
She earns slightly more than me as I changed jobs to have more flexibility and time for my daughter and elderly parents.
She does put more effort into her job of late as she changed roles.
We split the household costs 50/50, and pay into a joint account to cover it.
Until recently I paid in more than her, and also paid for the food shopping as I earned more.
We generally share the school run 50/50, depends on who has meetings etc.
I took a few months off work to look after my daughter between finishing nursery and starting school.
But my partner does the bath and bed routine, kids parties etc, so generally spends more time doing the childcare, probably 70/30 split recently.

We have had sex but probably only 3 times in 6 years, I've given up trying as she just doesn't want to.

I do think sometimes that all she wanted was a child and that once she succeeded I became surplus to requirements.

I have suggested counselling but she doesn't agree there's a problem.

Wouldn't you rather be single or in a relationship where your loved. No sex,no loving, everything pretty much on her terms equals your daft staying so long tbh

Do not have another child with this woman. She's stonewalling you when you ask basic questions. You can't function like that and it's not a healthy example of a relationship to establish for your daughter.

Move out, you are unmarried so just cut ties. Have your daughter 50/50 custody. She can clean up her own mess and cook her own means. You're getting fuck all out of this dynamic and should stop acting like her maid and go find somebody who makes you happy.

I'd make plans to split and begin only doing chores for you and your daughter, ie, dinner for you and your daughter, washing for only you and your daughter.

Fuck that lazy bitch.

Your partner sounds EXACTLY like me when I was depressed; completely disengaged both on a relationship level and with practical stuff. Just the thought of grocery shopping scared me (too stressful and too many decisions), I was constantly eating takeaways (but not enjoying any of the food), and simply couldn't find it in me to cook or do any housework. My DP had to do everything, i couldn't even load the dishwasher on some days. Our relationship went through a seriously rough patch. The all inclusive also makes sense to me; it's stressful to have to go out and make decisions sometimes.

I did find time to shoe shop because it gave me a brief dopamine hit and distraction, and I somehow managed to hold down a job, but mentally I was very unwell.

Has she been to 1:1 counseling and possibly seen a GP/psychiatrist for medication? This is what turned it around for me, I still have down days but am more or less back to my old self.

If I were the woman you’re describing, I’d want you to leave.
“I know childbirth is hard” oh fuck off. Really.

leave her - she’ll be so much happier without you complaining about her.

I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time with your relationship. Sounds like you've tried to be a proper partner over several years but she just doesn't care about you.

Time for you both to separate and go your own ways, both emotionally and financially. I absolutely don't think you should have another child with her - that would surely just make things worse for you. 🌹

Stop bitching and end the relationship. It's been over for ages.

I was asking for advice and other people's perspectives not complaining, hence the post.
I do actually love her and want a resolution to the situation, not just to bitch about her on the internet.

Yes I may be understating the difficulty of childbirth but it's been almost 5 1/2 years, most people I know their relationship has recovered, not floundered.
They have gone on, had more kids and generally have loving relationships.

Maybe it's all my fault for creating the situation by doing too much in the early months, years and now me doing the vast bulk of everything has become the accepted norm.