Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I wish I wanted to leave

30 replies

namechangedtoday23 · 02/07/2023 17:38

DH is abusive. It's not as bad as some you read about on here, we've been together 20 years, no kids. It's more he's extremely controlling but there has been some milder violence and SA. Things are generally okay as long as I live within the rules he's given me.

I want to be free. I think about it all the time, I imagine scenarios where I'm free of him and doing whatever I want, not even big grand things but just small things like I fantasise about being able to spend my Sundays gardening or reading, or going to my Mum's after work for dinner.

I've had a couple of opportunities to leave and haven't taken them, tried to convince myself that I was choosing to stay and accepting the negatives but I always get back to this place again.

I hate change and the unknown, and I'm starting to feel so guilty about the way I'm treating him, I feel like I'm living a double life.

I feel like I don't want to actually leave him though, like I'm just trying to convince myself I want to.

I'm not sure why I'm posting. I just feel so messed up about it.

OP posts:
swanling · 02/07/2023 17:42

I'm sorry you're struggling.

I feel like I don't want to actually leave him though, like I'm just trying to convince myself I want to.

Why do you think you would you be doing that though? As someone who hates change, why would you be trying to convince yourself you want a change if you didn't?

Iamkittycat · 02/07/2023 17:45

I think it might be trauma bonding.

So, in my case, I didn't want to leave him but I knew I had no choice. The pull to stay was horrifically strong, even though I could taste the freedom.

A counsellor helps a lot. Otherwise, just read as much as you can about trauma bonding.

Superdupes · 02/07/2023 17:53

This sounds like a really, really horrible relationship OP, but after 20 years of it I'd imagine it's now completely 'your normal' and any alternative seems scary because what you know - even if it's awful - feels somehow safer than what you don't know.
As well as feeling safer to stay with what you know, your self esteem and self worth are probably also very low and so your motivation to go out and try to get what you deserve probably isn't there as it just feels like a huge, emotionally exhausting and pretty much impossible thing to do.

It doesn't sound like you'd be 'allowed' to see a counsellor, but would you be able to phone someone like Woman's Aid anonymously and just talk to them about what you are going through and see what they have to say?

Original poster
namechangedtoday23 · 02/07/2023 18:24

Superdupes · 02/07/2023 17:53

This sounds like a really, really horrible relationship OP, but after 20 years of it I'd imagine it's now completely 'your normal' and any alternative seems scary because what you know - even if it's awful - feels somehow safer than what you don't know.
As well as feeling safer to stay with what you know, your self esteem and self worth are probably also very low and so your motivation to go out and try to get what you deserve probably isn't there as it just feels like a huge, emotionally exhausting and pretty much impossible thing to do.

It doesn't sound like you'd be 'allowed' to see a counsellor, but would you be able to phone someone like Woman's Aid anonymously and just talk to them about what you are going through and see what they have to say?

This is all so exactly true. I feel like my life will be so awful if I left, almost like it’s better the devil I know here.

I have spoken to women’s aid and they were so helpful and I did have a counsellor for a while (I did it behind DHs back and told him it was for depression), they helped me to see the marriage as abusive but I stopped seeing them when I last time tried to leave and didn’t and decided to stay, I don’t think I could start seeing them again unfortunately.

@Iamkittycat how did you manage to leave if you didn’t want to, how did you stay strong and not stay? That’s something that worries me even if I could gather the strength to go how would I not back down, or let him talk me into not going.

OP posts:
Iamkittycat · 02/07/2023 18:28

OP, I was having a breakdown. Two friends basically caught me, and between them, my gp and my therapist, I started to realise what was happening.

I know that, if I'd stayed with him, I would actually have had a breakdown because I just couldn't do it any more.

It still doesn't feel real, and I'm not through it yet, but I have freedom that I hadn't had for 25 years.

Iamkittycat · 02/07/2023 18:29

My therapist gave me basic scripts and boundaries which I followed. Stopped me being sucked back in.

Gettingbysomehow · 02/07/2023 18:29

God how awful, I'm feeling sick just thinking about this.
You MUST get away and as soon as possible, imagine living like this until one of you dies, then you've wasted your entire life.
What's SA?

Aquamarine1029 · 02/07/2023 18:33

DH is abusive. It's not as bad as some you read about on here, we've been together 20 years, no kids. It's more he's extremely controlling but there has been some milder violence and SA. Things are generally okay as long as I live within the rules he's given me.

It is absolutely tragic and shocking that you don't realise how horrific your marriage is. Reading that made me sick. Call Women's Aid, call the police, call anyone you have to to get away from this man.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/07/2023 18:36

"It's more he's extremely controlling but there has been some milder violence and SA."

SA (I am assuming this is sexual abuse here).

I felt similarly sickened to Aquamarine. All of what you describe here is abuse and of many types. You're his prisoner really and he really does want to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

You only need to give your own self permission to leave. He should be in prison for what he has done to you. How can you be helped here into leaving this man?. If you are in the UK can you go on your own into a branch of Boots and ask for ANI?.

GreyCarpet · 02/07/2023 18:52

Why can't you do gardening? What would happen if you popped in to see your mum?

I'm crap at gardening but I use similar times to think and muse and reflect and plan.

Popping into see your mum and gardening are such ordinary and mundane things to do but, to you, they represent a freedom and autonomy you don't have. Can ypu start doing them? Or one of them? Can you use that time to see what your life could be?

GreyCarpet · 02/07/2023 18:55

I left my marriage with two children and no job. I found a job and we've never looked back. Never been happier.

Don't think of it as being alone or lonely but as independent and autonomous. In a life where your time is your own and your decisions and choices are yours. And where there is no one controlling you, no violence, no sexual abuse. None of it.

Original poster
namechangedtoday23 · 02/07/2023 20:00

@GreyCarpet i can go and do gardening but he likes me to be with him all the time when he’s home, he doesn’t like to be alone. He also doesn’t like to be outside or gardening so if I go out, he follows me out after a few minutes and says come on let’s go in now. I do see my Mum, but I can’t go for tea or after work because I have to be at home ready to make his tea when he comes back from work.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 02/07/2023 20:03

namechangedtoday23 · 02/07/2023 20:00

@GreyCarpet i can go and do gardening but he likes me to be with him all the time when he’s home, he doesn’t like to be alone. He also doesn’t like to be outside or gardening so if I go out, he follows me out after a few minutes and says come on let’s go in now. I do see my Mum, but I can’t go for tea or after work because I have to be at home ready to make his tea when he comes back from work.

What happens if you say no, you want to carry on in the garden? Does he kick up a fuss? What would happen if you just ignored him and did it anyway?

I really feel for you. This is an awful way to live and you've just become so accustomed to it Sad

Original poster
namechangedtoday23 · 02/07/2023 20:16

@GreyCarpet it’s been so long since I’ve really pushed any boundaries that I almost don’t really know, I sometimes think I’m making this all up and that’s it’s all in my head that I’m not allowed to do something. Sometimes he might be fine, sometimes he might be moody afterwards, sometimes he might stay outside and spoil it. But in the past when I haven’t done what he’s wanted, it’s lead or built up to horrific arguments or being screamed at and me ending up so upset so I think I just do what I know he wants now to try and avoid that outcome.

I have become so accustomed to it, you’re right.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangedtoday23 · 02/07/2023 20:20

@AttilaTheMeerkat im not sure at this point what would help me. I could help myself. I have somewhere I could move to, I don’t have a job but I do have a small amount of savings but I just don’t do it. I sit here desperately wanting to and trying to read up as much as I can like I’ll find the one thing or piece of advice or article that flips the switch in my brain and makes me go but it doesn’t. But I know it needs to come from me. I just feel almost paralysed over it.

OP posts:
BlackisLove · 02/07/2023 20:21

Dear OP

You could walk into any police station in this country and give an account of your life in your house and your husband would be arrested. Coercive control is illegal and he belongs in prison. Please do not diminish your very great suffering - no one who remembers your bath post many years ago would disagree that he deserves punishment of the highest level that our society has.

I wish we could help you realise that your life could be as boring and ordinary as you would like it to be but your husband and your brain have convinced you that hell is OK as long as it is familiar. I understand, I have a similar nature and still live with my abuser who is no longer abusive and also my mother. I do understand where you are and why you are so loyal to someone who ought to be locked up for the rest of his life.

Hollyppp · 02/07/2023 21:22

OP could you open up to your mum? I feel terribly sad for you. It sounds like Stockholm syndrome to me

Mmhmmn · 02/07/2023 21:38

Is it the thought of a confrontation about you leaving that scares you off actually leaving?
It sounds like you've thought about how you might leave and how you would enjoy the freedom and autonomy, so is it the thought of having to explain to him why you're leaving? Because you don't have to explain yourself. You. Am leave for any reason. You could just leave a note if that felt better. Anything that gets you away.

You don't owe him anything.

Mmhmmn · 02/07/2023 21:43

Could you perhaps rehearse leaving? Say, by going to the place you would go to if you do leave?
(As long as he doesn't follow you)

Original poster
namechangedtoday23 · 02/07/2023 22:34

@Mmhmmn it is definitely partly the confrontation yes but it’s also the fear of what he’ll do, how he’ll be, what if he tries and talks me out of it, I can’t stand the thought of hurting him. and all the aftermath of the time after that while we seperate, will he make my life hell? If I had a button in front of me and could press it and it would skip me six months into the future after having the conversation I would press it without hesitation. It’s all the uncertainty and fear of what it will be like. I’m a coward.

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 03/07/2023 01:08

namechangedtoday23 · 02/07/2023 22:34

@Mmhmmn it is definitely partly the confrontation yes but it’s also the fear of what he’ll do, how he’ll be, what if he tries and talks me out of it, I can’t stand the thought of hurting him. and all the aftermath of the time after that while we seperate, will he make my life hell? If I had a button in front of me and could press it and it would skip me six months into the future after having the conversation I would press it without hesitation. It’s all the uncertainty and fear of what it will be like. I’m a coward.

That doesn't make you a coward. You just know what he's like and how he might react and totally understandably it's putting you off enacting your exit.
The thing is that people like him rely on kind, empathic people like yourself to always put them first.

But you've done that for long enough and you're suffering for it. Why should you suffer just so that he doesn't have to do single life? He's had his horrible way for too long and has shown he doesn't deserve you.

What do you think might help you to leave? Also any of the suggestions in the thread feel doable to you? Police? Women's Aid?
You don't have to look forward to a day when you just snap. You deserve freedom and contentment to be your reality now.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/07/2023 01:43

Can you just pack a bag and go to your mum's?

AcrossthePond55 · 03/07/2023 01:47

Oops!

I'd meant to say pack and go when he's at work.

You don't owe him an explanation. You don't owe him anything.

I know you may be attached to your home and you may have 'things' you value. But are they really worth the hell you are living in?

Leave and see a solicitor about a divorce.

swanling · 03/07/2023 09:08

Then you could think about life 1 year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years down the line and how that will be. Realistically will your life be better at those waypoints? If so, does that make the short term period of difficulty and uncertainty feel different?

Will you have all the support you need to get through the aftermath and rebuild? For instance, grieving for what happened and the loss of the relationship, coping with the trauma, learning to make your own choices, etc. Will you have support long term? Is there anything we can help you get in place?

There's no point in us telling you what to do, we're not the ones who have to live through it and live with the consequences. We can help you decide what you want to do and how though.

swanling · 03/07/2023 09:17

I think pp has overstated what would happen if op involved the police in the way suggested. It's not guaranteed they would respond like that if op presented at a front desk, and even if they did the investigation process is intrusive and traumatic. It's not just a case of proving the behaviour (which would be very difficult) but also proving the impact etc. There is a high bar to be met.

And the police don't provide follow-up support to rebuild your life. They can't and won't fix this situation.

If you are in danger or feel at risk, call them.

If you want to report offences to them, that is absolutely your choice just make it with your eyes open.