I wish I wanted to leave

[namechangedtoday23]

DH is abusive. It's not as bad as some you read about on here, we've been together 20 years, no kids. It's more he's extremely controlling but there has been some milder violence and SA. Things are generally okay as long as I live within the rules he's given me.

I want to be free. I think about it all the time, I imagine scenarios where I'm free of him and doing whatever I want, not even big grand things but just small things like I fantasise about being able to spend my Sundays gardening or reading, or going to my Mum's after work for dinner.

I've had a couple of opportunities to leave and haven't taken them, tried to convince myself that I was choosing to stay and accepting the negatives but I always get back to this place again.

I hate change and the unknown, and I'm starting to feel so guilty about the way I'm treating him, I feel like I'm living a double life.

I feel like I don't want to actually leave him though, like I'm just trying to convince myself I want to.

I'm not sure why I'm posting. I just feel so messed up about it.

Oh OP, this sounds so frustrating and utterly stifling. I'd be screaming on the inside. Not least because life is short, I'm about to lose my own mum and I feel it would be unbearably cruel to deprive someone of time spent with a loved one.

Have you posted here about him before? The DH who makes you sit beside him at the table while he’s working from home? If this is you, you must know your situation isn't so mild as you think - it's horrific enough to stick in people's minds and you are simply too close to see it. But you have to decide to choose freedom when it's offered to you. Otherwise you're gilding your own cage.

OP In allowing him to control your thoughts and feelings (by this I mean doing what he wants all of the time) you are partially responsible for creating this monster who you allow to rule your life.

Have you considered that in escaping from him you will also set him free ?

I can very much relate to everything you say, OP. 😔

Look at the positives you have, it may help a lot compared to other women who don't have that, and still leave.

You are smart, recognising your situation is not sustainable for you is a big step.
You have somewhere to go and live. That is brilliant.
You don't have children, that may or may not be what you would have liked, but it certainly eases the stress of going from the home.
You have some financial independence to get you started.

There, that is the credit side. The debit side is your fear and paralysis. I get that, it is as pp said a form of Stockholm Syndrome. The devil you know....

Could you think about how to do it, knowing that you actually can? Such as maybe go for a weekend and not come back.

I may be all wrong about what I'm saying, but I mean well. I would hope that is the way I would think eventually anyway. Good wishes and a hopeful future to you OP.

Or the shopping 🛒 and not come back?