Married, anon text messages & strong feelings for someone else…

[Blossom4538]

Hi all,
Please don’t think I’m horrible! Nothing has ever happened, I haven’t cheated.

Basically, I’ve had strong feelings for someone for around a year and a half. I’m not sure if he has ever had feelings for me…we are friendly, he now has a partner.

A few things really. I’ve spent most of the past year in emotional turmoil. I’ve lost a load of weight due to it. I love my Husband but it’s made me realise that perhaps things aren’t right between us. He is amazing, but we have zero sex life or kissing and haven’t for years. We have a good laugh together and are close, we’ve been through a lot. But I want someone to really want me and my self esteem has plummeted. I
always get compliments over my weight loss etc (now size 12-14) and I think my husband thinks I’m pretty, but he isn’t into sex at all. I don’t fancy it with him either.
Im just not sure how to get past this. It makes me feel so sad and I’m not sure I can imagine being without him but I also find myself looking at other guys constantly.
I think about the person I have feelings for all the time. I think he possible likes me too, but nothing would ever happen. Or perhaps he just knows I like him!

Before Xmas, I received an anonymous text message asking why I’m staying with my H, as he’s gay and the marriage is has been over for a long time…we’re fooling ourselves.
never got to the bottom of this and H denies knowing that it all means.

I just feel in constant emotional turmoil.
I care for H so much, we’re so close and great friends. We sleep in separate bedrooms (started years ago when I had trouble sleeping). Sex life was never amazing really.

I don’t know what to do…

Have you spoken to husband about how he feels?

Are you maybe romanticizing this other man? If he’s in a relationship now, and you’re currently married , I’d park that idea for the meantime until you find out what it is you really need and want because you don’t need more complication now!

I don’t think attraction lasts forever between people , or at least not on the same level as it used to. If your husband does his best for you, treats you well and allows you to be you with no judgment, then you’ve got a pretty sweet deal. It sounds like outside of the sex thing you have a good relationship. Who knows where that bizzare text msg came from or who sent it, can you ring the number or anything and find out? Did you talk to your husband about this? Some people have nothing better to do with their time than stick their noses in where it’s not wanted… and send silly msgs with zero proof.

I think you should talk to your husband about how you feel , and maybe try and reignite your sex life. Go on a few dates, have a night a week where you guys cuddle up and sleep in the same bed… whatever little things make the relationship feel fresh. Just my opinion! Wish you well :)

If your husband does his best for you, treats you well and allows you to be you with no judgment, then you’ve got a pretty sweet deal.

Pretty sweet deal? I'd say that is the norm for anyone to treat their partner in a relationship.
The trouble for OP is that their marriage is sexless. Which is why she's having her head turned.

I'd be messaging that text you got, there's obviously something in it.

Unless you want to live your life out like it is now.
All the best OP.

@suburbophobe you can’t message back unfortunately - I think it’s come from a site where you can send anon messages. Mentions H by name though.

That's a shame @Blossom4538.

@ChiliBeanz the thought of dates makes me feel uncomfortable. I think it just feels awkward now. I definitely don’t want to kiss him either. Don’t like thought of cuddling up in bed…although we kind of do on the sofa.

We do occasionally go out (very rarely) and it can be lovely but not “date like”. Sometimes it’s awkward I’d say.

@Blossom4538 I'm sorry but I just wouldn't be able to get that text message out of my head and move on from it. Do you think there could be truth in it? Could he be gay? Is that why he's not interested in sex with you and you say it's never really been great anyway. You also say you're good friends and get along great which is lovely but doesn't sound like you have a romantic relationship at all. I think your best bet here is to be completely honest with him. Sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him that you feel you have a new lease of life from the weight loss and due to you not having sex together you're finding yourself looking at/thinking about other men. He might be hurt to learn this but he deserves to know. It's also better to be honest now before it does get to the point of you cheating, i know you said you haven't yet. Or he might be completely relieved to hear you say this if he is gay. Either way I think a conversation has to be had sooner rather than later so he is aware of how you feel and you can both work out a way forward either together or separated.

@MrsO3 Thank you!
We had an open discussion about it months ago. We discussed trial separation but he kept on putting it off and now I just don’t know what to do. He was really upset but acknowledged issues. He was puzzled by the message and seems to be telling the truth that he is not gay or has no idea why it’s been sent. Admits he’s never been overly interested in sex though. Lost his virginity at a later age than I’d say is average.

Ok so it doesn't sound like he is gay then as surely he would have taken the opportunity of the trial separation to leave the relationship then admit that he has gay. The text could have been malicious? A friend he's fallen out with? Or a work colleague having a 'joke?' maybe a nasty family member trying to cause a rift between the two of you for some reason.
In regards to how you feel about this other person though, I really feel your DH should know. It isn't fair on him as you've said you feel strongly about them and think about them all the time. Does DH know the person you feel this way about?
You say things like "we're really close, I really care about him, we're great friends" etc. You describe the relationship as more of a friendship than a married couple. Be honest, have you already checked out of the relationship but you're scared to tell DH and hurt his feelings?

OP, my exDH sounds similar to yours and our relationship almost identical. Turns out he was gay. We’ve split up now but we remain good friends and see each other frequently. The anonymous text was likely from a lover, or a lover’s ex girlfriend, and there is no real reason to disbelieve..

I was in the same position as you although it was me that put a stop to the sex life. I wasn’t attracted to him and, even though I had accepted this was the way my life was to be, the power of feelings/hormones/need to be desired eventually caught up with me and I started looking elsewhere.

Our sex life was awful. Boring and lacked passion. He didn’t do anything other than get on and off (literally, two minutes and done). No kissing, no affection. There wasn’t any affection elsewhere either. No holding hands etc. But, like you two, we got on well but it became very obvious to me that we were nothing more than friends.

I had suspicions my stbx was gay too. He was 36 when we married (I met him at 21, when he was 31). Still lived at home and he didn’t have any history with women and it was obvious he had spent his time with men. All had a mutual hobby. They’d go away together (for said hobby) and he would stay in the same room/same bed as one of them which I always thought odd. I was very naive and inexperienced tbh. Still at university when I met him and hadn’t really had a boyfriend before.

Anyway, stbx always mimicked this man. He would dress like him. Talk like him. Say the same things and do the same facial expressions. I found it odd but I suppose it’s the same as someone picking up an accent in a new area. Nevertheless, I ignored it but had suspicions. Other things that made me think were the fact he never got horny (well, not when l was around) and never looked at other women. He just seemed to lack that sexual drive towards women. He was always very critical of women too (stuff like negativity around women drivers).

I was unhappy and unfulfilled but we had two kids (last one convinced artificially as he we struggled to convince - probably because I was starting to really check out by this point and the fact sex was awful). I didn’t get turned on with him so my passionate side didn’t come out.

Marriage became sexless - for over a decade.

I won’t go into to much detail but, like you, my head was turned and, unlike you, I did cheat. It started off as a friendship (both of us married and both living in sexless marriages). We met online. Chatted on the phone/messenger for a good year. Well, we met and the chemistry between us was electric! On every level. We kissed that night but nothing else however we did have sex a while later - numerous times. Both of us passionate which each other. We talk about it a lot but it is clear he won’t commit to me and he is encouraging me to meet someone else (which is heartbreaking for me). I ended my marriage after meeting him
for the first time as I was suddenly thrown into emotional turmoil. I could not fight these feelings. Of course, I am suffering due to going through a long and expensive divorce. I feel guilty about my stbx as he was a nice man but the chemistry just wasn’t there. I’d forced celibacy on him but also on myself. It clearly wasn’t just sex though, it was affection that wasn’t there too. We just didn’t connect. If we went for a meal, he’d sit in silence.

The other man is still in my life 6 years on. We have become great friends and fancy each other like mad. However, he will not leave her so it has left me alone and struggling. I’m probably more unhappy than what I was before as I am still not getting my needs fulfilled and there is a huge gap in my life.

I have tried online dating and have been treated badly and messed about by a few so I’ve given up.

I actually checked my stbx FB last night and it is clear he is having weekends away with the same man I mentioned earlier. He hasn’t been seen with another woman and I doubt he would be.

One thing I did notice was how many compliments I get from OM and the men I met from online dating. Most very tactile (although I didn’t have sex with any of the online dating ones as it was usually a couple of dates and they (or me) didn’t take it any further. My stbx NEVER complemented me. Ever! He never seemed to notice if I was wearing a nice black negligee. He never noticed other women either.

Sex with the OM was amazing. He was so giving and did things with me I had never done before. I have never been so turned on in my life!!! He kisses me so passionately. I know it is wrong and it should never have happened but it did. I can’t change that but I know now that it all happened because I was missing something.

So, to prevent this happening to you I think you need to have a long, hard think about you marriage and ask if you are happy to live like this forever. Being with the OM made me realise what I was missing. I have no regrets about ending my marriage (of 23 years), I just wish I had had the guts to do it earlier. I didn’t want to hurt him, so I had accepted my life the way it was, but - what I hadn’t realised - I was hurting myself!!

Please move on from this marriage if you continue to feel this way. You will just end up tormenting yourself. How old are you?

Oh, and I wouldn’t ignore the anonymous text either. Somebody is trying to tell you something.

I wonder whether you have thought about the idea of an open marriage where you would both be able to have sex with other people but remain married and committed?

I think it’s likely that he is, or has at some time in the past, experimented with men. And that he might welcome the opportunity to do so again with your permission.

Are you someone who can separate sex from feelings? Is your relationship strong enough to be honest with each other?

I had considered an open marriage but didn’t suggest it as I don’t think it’d have gone down well. I don’t think I could do it anyway as I have to have feelings for someone (which probably explains why I’m struggling with online dating and why I struggled when I was young).

I feel bad that I have messed up where my children are concerned but they seem to be ok now and thriving. I have lost thousands of pounds due to it all. The emotional turmoil has been overwhelming but I had to do it. I don’t regret my decision as I was (well, still am) living a lonely life. Sad and unfulfilled.

I can’t have sex if I don’t have deep feelings for someone and this is where I was caught out - and I’m sure the original poster probably feels the same - as I developed strong feelings for someone else and they are still there 6 years on. I started to realise the error I’d made marrying someone who didn’t excite me, make me happy to see them etc. and, basically, someone that I wasn’t really compatible with. I hadn’t had experience with men as a young woman and made a hasty decision which I regretted. Age gap was an issue in my marriage too. I haven’t seen my stbx in person for over 2 years but saw a recent photo of him and he looks old and has put on a lot of weight. I know in my heart that I’d never, ever have sex with him again. That is no way to live. I had to act.

I am sure op will act too. These feelings aren’t there for nothing. Trust them. Be happy with yourself and your decisions.

It’s very rare when you find that magic between a man and a woman imo.

H and I had an honest discussion a few months ago now, lots of tears. I said I absolutely don’t want to end up cheating on him. He eventually offered an open marriage - I hate the idea! I need the emotions and relationship that goes along side. A few weeks later I actually started to feel shocked and offended he offered an open marriage. It was just an offer for me - he doesn’t want to do anything on his side. He even encouraged me to get out more with friends for nights out etc.. I think he just wants a home and family to stay as it is. I don’t want things to change really, but have this deep sadness, guilt and anger at myself inside and am often looking at other people. I have such strong feelings for this other person which is just silly and I hate myself for it.

I’m also annoyed that I can’t forget the anon message - it drives me crazy.

I wouldn't be able to forget about that text message either. Especially if you've stopped having sex and he has zero interest in sex with you. Surely there must be an element of truth somewhere in there.

What you are feeling is perfectly natural. I think you really need to decide what you want and whether this relationship will fulfill your needs. It isn’t right now.

The obvious thing is to separate.

Have you considered that although your husband is saying he isn't interested in his uptake on the sex side of an open marriage, perhaps he was saying that in the hope that you would agree and then he would eventually be able to also have sexual relations with others.
I do think your husband could be gay. In reality it doesn't matter who or what he wants to have sex with, the fact is, if it's not with you then what are you staying for?
Sound to me that the relationship has run it's course and is now a friendship. No shame in that.
Do you have kids?

Yes, children with additional needs…

Have you got family that can help with the children?

I reckon that text was sent by man.

@CreamTeaDelight which man? Someone involved with H?

OP - life is too short to live like this. And to feel this down and empty.
I think marriages can be so many things. Some - are friendships and partnerships to take care of kids. Rather than sexual partnership. This is what yours is - and had always been.
You know it - but somehow struggle with admitting it to yourself. Trouble is - unless you do - you will continue to be in this suspended animation place.

So - why not be honest with yourself and figure out how you can make your life happier.

Your H’a sexuality - gay, asexual or whatever - doesn’t matter really. Point is - you don’t and will never have a sexual relationship. So - are you happy to never have sex again?

He did the right thing suggesting an open marriage. I think you should consider it but not as some bad thing. It could be the best solution IF you are not yet ready to leave.

Possibly!