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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH moved out last night, could I have a handhold?

47 replies

clareangel · 01/07/2023 17:15

DH moved out last night, short term lease, married 30 years, lot of issues last few years and time apart agreed though his choice I didn't disagree, but now he's gone I'm struggling hugely, I'm swaying between panic, unable to breathe, devastated, to being relatively ok, is this normal? Those of you who may have been through it what did you do about contact? Gist from him speaking to my eldest is he feels it's better not to.
Not heard from him and I've not contacted him, I'm not going to be the clingy wreck I was when I went through a breakup before we met, but I am heartbroken, despite drifting apart and losing trust in him we've been together so long and he was my best friend. My youngest lives with me since finishing uni and works, he's a wonderful support but I just don't know how I feel one minute to the next, just wanted to ask for a handhold, please be kind, I'm really struggling xx

OP posts:
Peridot1 · 01/07/2023 17:18

You are bound to be struggling as it’s so recent. Just look after yourself. Take it a day at a time. Try not to contact him. Do some nice things for you. You will be feeling a rollercoaster of emotions at the moment.

Original poster
clareangel · 01/07/2023 17:21

Peridot1 · 01/07/2023 17:18

You are bound to be struggling as it’s so recent. Just look after yourself. Take it a day at a time. Try not to contact him. Do some nice things for you. You will be feeling a rollercoaster of emotions at the moment.

Thank you for replying, I'm trying to just put one foot in front if the other, trying to eat, read, watch a bit of TV, thankfully on holiday from work, just feel so shell-shocked even though I knew it was coming it's been discussed occasionally for a year, I can't remember my life without him

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 01/07/2023 17:23

It's totally normal to feel the full range of emotions ime.

Lots of hugs 💐

It slowly gets better, I promise.

Original poster
clareangel · 01/07/2023 17:25

BoohooWoohoo · 01/07/2023 17:23

It's totally normal to feel the full range of emotions ime.

Lots of hugs 💐

It slowly gets better, I promise.

Thank you so much, I thought I was losing my mind with such extreme mood swings, thank you for the hug I really appreciate it x

OP posts:
Beaverbridge · 01/07/2023 17:27

Normal feelings lovely, it's the unknown. Seriously you, ll be fine, keep on doing what your doing. If you can take yourself out, even if it's just a walk. You, ve a whole new exciting future in front of you. 💐

OhamIreally · 01/07/2023 17:28

Only advice I can offer is early nights and try to eat healthy food.

It's natural to feel like this as it's a whole change of direction to your life.

It will take time but you will feel better.

And don't drink and dial.

Pearlsaminga · 01/07/2023 17:33

@clareangel
It's normal, you are normal, the solid things that you relied upon have been ripped away, you are bound to feel in a state of shock, still reeling.
You will stabilise, you will get through this.
It is very unpleasant, awful and upsetting but you can survive and when you've survived you will build back stronger.
Maybe write things down as a way of processing your thoughts, get them out of your head and onto paper (or computer) where you can look at them and feel a bit of distance from the intensity of how they feel in your head.

Gettingbysomehow · 01/07/2023 17:43

I'm so sorry. It brings it all back. My marriage ended after 20 years and I remember that same awful feeling of not being able to breathe, the panic, the fear. Its like staring into the abyss.
But it will pass, you will heal.
Just give it time. 30 years is all your adult memories.
Three years later and I'm happier than I've ever been. You will be too.

Original poster
clareangel · 01/07/2023 17:44

Beaverbridge · 01/07/2023 17:27

Normal feelings lovely, it's the unknown. Seriously you, ll be fine, keep on doing what your doing. If you can take yourself out, even if it's just a walk. You, ve a whole new exciting future in front of you. 💐

Thank you so much, I going to keep reading this and memorise it! Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
clareangel · 01/07/2023 17:45

Gettingbysomehow · 01/07/2023 17:43

I'm so sorry. It brings it all back. My marriage ended after 20 years and I remember that same awful feeling of not being able to breathe, the panic, the fear. Its like staring into the abyss.
But it will pass, you will heal.
Just give it time. 30 years is all your adult memories.
Three years later and I'm happier than I've ever been. You will be too.

Thank you so much, it helps to know I'm not going mad, but I'm sorry you had to go through it too lovely xx

OP posts:
Original poster
clareangel · 01/07/2023 17:46

Pearlsaminga · 01/07/2023 17:33

@clareangel
It's normal, you are normal, the solid things that you relied upon have been ripped away, you are bound to feel in a state of shock, still reeling.
You will stabilise, you will get through this.
It is very unpleasant, awful and upsetting but you can survive and when you've survived you will build back stronger.
Maybe write things down as a way of processing your thoughts, get them out of your head and onto paper (or computer) where you can look at them and feel a bit of distance from the intensity of how they feel in your head.

Thank you lovely, that's that's great idea, I'm going to do that, and that's exactly how I feel, sort of untethered xx

OP posts:
Original poster
clareangel · 01/07/2023 17:49

OhamIreally · 01/07/2023 17:28

Only advice I can offer is early nights and try to eat healthy food.

It's natural to feel like this as it's a whole change of direction to your life.

It will take time but you will feel better.

And don't drink and dial.

Thank you this is very helpful, I've just made myself dinner and managed to eat some of it, I'm going out regularly with my dog, thankfully I think I'm so emotionally exhausted at least I slept last night, sadly I'm a rubbish drinker, 3 glasses and I feel sick so I'm staying away from it, I am tempted to text him something casual but I've stopped myself xxx

OP posts:
omgsally · 01/07/2023 17:59

Try really hard to stop yourself. Whatever he says back, or doesn't, will upset you, so don't do it. Emotions can change minute by minute. All totally normal. Awful but normal. Allow them to pass through you without responding too much to them. So when you're upset and crying and missing him for instance, don't act on that and contact him. Wait a hour and you'll probably find that it's passed and you feel more stable. Do the basics. Eat, sleep, exercise, get fresh air, see a friend, watch good TV.

Mumtothreegirlies · 01/07/2023 17:59

Bless you my sweetheart, I totally understand and I want to give you a big virtual hug and kiss and tell you it’s all going to be fine eventually I promise. Try and keep yourself distracted. Make your days busy and make plans for your future xxxxxx

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/07/2023 18:10

Please don't text him. It gives him so much power. I found it helped to imagine him showing my messages to someone. I would have found that excruciating.

You will recover. I'm really glad you have your son with you - try to watch something absorbing on tv with him. It will really help.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 01/07/2023 18:35

You’re in shock - I’m so sorry. As everyone else has said, these feelings are completely normal and they will pass, even though that feels like an impossibility right now.

When I went through something similar I felt utterly unhinged. Between the shock, the panic, the racing heart, the ‘fizzy’ numb sensation, the sudden inability to breathe without taking in great noisy gasps of air like a drowning person, and the endless insomnia, I literally felt like I was losing my mind.

And you have stepped through the looking glass - everyone around you is plodding along with their lives, business as usual, but yours has, in an instant, changed beyond recognition. No matter how much those people try to help and support you, you’re now on the other side of the glass, in a place no one else can comprehend, trying to make sense of a new reality.

Don’t worry, you will make sense of it eventually, and you’ll feel better and stronger and happier for it. At the moment you feel like you’ve lost something absolutely essential, like a limb, and you can’t imagine ever getting over the feeling of that thing being missing. But sooner or later you’ll suddenly realise you’re fine and it wasn’t essential to your happiness at all.

Right now you’re walking through the fire, and it’s devastating, but you WILL get through it. Just don’t make the mistake of thinking that the person who’s capsized your boat is also going to provide you with a life raft - he’s not, and every day you resist reaching out to him is a day closer to you moving forward into a new life on your own terms 💐

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 01/07/2023 18:59

It's (more than) half your life so bound to be a massive shock and adjustment.

For now, just give yourself time, and take it all in baby steps.

But know, you will survive, and you will flourish xx

Pashazade · 01/07/2023 19:45

Is there something you fancy binge watching, give yourself permission to use something really immersive like this to get your mind to switch off for a bit. Loose yourself in something else for a while, it's not much help when you have to stop but it will pass the time and your brain will process stuff even when you're not actively thinking about it.

Original poster
clareangel · 01/07/2023 20:23

omgsally · 01/07/2023 17:59

Try really hard to stop yourself. Whatever he says back, or doesn't, will upset you, so don't do it. Emotions can change minute by minute. All totally normal. Awful but normal. Allow them to pass through you without responding too much to them. So when you're upset and crying and missing him for instance, don't act on that and contact him. Wait a hour and you'll probably find that it's passed and you feel more stable. Do the basics. Eat, sleep, exercise, get fresh air, see a friend, watch good TV.

Thank you so much, this is really good advice, I've not contacted him and not going to, I feel numb right now, wish that could stay! Xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
clareangel · 01/07/2023 20:25

Pashazade · 01/07/2023 19:45

Is there something you fancy binge watching, give yourself permission to use something really immersive like this to get your mind to switch off for a bit. Loose yourself in something else for a while, it's not much help when you have to stop but it will pass the time and your brain will process stuff even when you're not actively thinking about it.

Thank you, great advice! I'm binge watching 20 series of Greys Anatomy whilst also reading 2 different books, keeping my head occupied! Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
clareangel · 01/07/2023 20:27

Mumtothreegirlies · 01/07/2023 17:59

Bless you my sweetheart, I totally understand and I want to give you a big virtual hug and kiss and tell you it’s all going to be fine eventually I promise. Try and keep yourself distracted. Make your days busy and make plans for your future xxxxxx

Thank you so much, your kindness means so much, up early, walking miles with dog, trying to eat xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
clareangel · 01/07/2023 20:28

Pashazade · 01/07/2023 19:45

Is there something you fancy binge watching, give yourself permission to use something really immersive like this to get your mind to switch off for a bit. Loose yourself in something else for a while, it's not much help when you have to stop but it will pass the time and your brain will process stuff even when you're not actively thinking about it.

Thank you so much, am reading and also binge watching a series, you're absolutely right it doesn't leave room to dwell too much xx

OP posts:
Original poster
clareangel · 01/07/2023 20:30

EnjoythemoneyJane · 01/07/2023 18:35

You’re in shock - I’m so sorry. As everyone else has said, these feelings are completely normal and they will pass, even though that feels like an impossibility right now.

When I went through something similar I felt utterly unhinged. Between the shock, the panic, the racing heart, the ‘fizzy’ numb sensation, the sudden inability to breathe without taking in great noisy gasps of air like a drowning person, and the endless insomnia, I literally felt like I was losing my mind.

And you have stepped through the looking glass - everyone around you is plodding along with their lives, business as usual, but yours has, in an instant, changed beyond recognition. No matter how much those people try to help and support you, you’re now on the other side of the glass, in a place no one else can comprehend, trying to make sense of a new reality.

Don’t worry, you will make sense of it eventually, and you’ll feel better and stronger and happier for it. At the moment you feel like you’ve lost something absolutely essential, like a limb, and you can’t imagine ever getting over the feeling of that thing being missing. But sooner or later you’ll suddenly realise you’re fine and it wasn’t essential to your happiness at all.

Right now you’re walking through the fire, and it’s devastating, but you WILL get through it. Just don’t make the mistake of thinking that the person who’s capsized your boat is also going to provide you with a life raft - he’s not, and every day you resist reaching out to him is a day closer to you moving forward into a new life on your own terms 💐

Ive copy and pasted this and keep re reading it, it is so empowering and so accurate, thank you so much for your kindness xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
clareangel · 01/07/2023 20:37

I just wanted to thank you all so so much for your kind and positive replies, I was at rock bottom and didn't know what to do, you have all been incredibly kind taking the time to give me such great advice and wonderful empowering words, I appreciate your replies more than you know xxxxx

OP posts:
Livinghappy · 01/07/2023 20:43

Others have explained that you will have a range of emotions, which is all normal.

A journal will be useful also to record why you were not happy together..it's common to have rose tinted glasses.

A warning, men tend to move on, often appearing cold and completely different to the person you thought you knew. Whereas women tend to take time to process and feel the emotions. I think over the longterm it's a healthier approach however in the short term, whilst you are grieving he can appear unfazed, even happy.

What will you do about the practicalities? Often separation but not financially separated can leave you in limbo as it's a halfway house.