DH moved out last night, could I have a handhold?

[clareangel]

DH moved out last night, short term lease, married 30 years, lot of issues last few years and time apart agreed though his choice I didn't disagree, but now he's gone I'm struggling hugely, I'm swaying between panic, unable to breathe, devastated, to being relatively ok, is this normal? Those of you who may have been through it what did you do about contact? Gist from him speaking to my eldest is he feels it's better not to.
Not heard from him and I've not contacted him, I'm not going to be the clingy wreck I was when I went through a breakup before we met, but I am heartbroken, despite drifting apart and losing trust in him we've been together so long and he was my best friend. My youngest lives with me since finishing uni and works, he's a wonderful support but I just don't know how I feel one minute to the next, just wanted to ask for a handhold, please be kind, I'm really struggling xx

I’m so sorry OP - sending a hug and a handhold. Lots of lovely advice above.

I would also allow yourself (when you feel you wish he would return and all the rest) to re-read the following:

”what did you do about contact? Gist from him speaking to my eldest is he feels it's better not to.”

“Gist from him speaking to your eldest”?! Did he not have the decency to discuss this with you in person? Did he think your child wanted to break this news to you?

I know where you are right now it’s just surviving day by day. But at some point I hope you can see the above for what it is and say - “I always have and will deserve much better than this”.

💐💐 Be strong

You sound like you are doing really well. Of course it will be tough - change often is. But that doesn’t mean it’s the wrong thing.

Can I suggest trying some yoga? YouTube yoga with Adrienne has sone specific yoga sessions for when you are grieving that you might find helpful.

I am also right here giving your hand a comforting g squeeze

This is so accurate, exactly why I feel so awful I think, went so casually like it was no big deal and that hurts so much! If he had appeared at least a little upset or concerned for me or regretful I may not feel so bad! We were so good together for 28 of the 30 years and so close I can't believe its come to this. Joint wages account and bills remaining same but it's a short term house sit while occupier away for summer, what happens at the end? That's not been discussed yet, the old "I need time alone" could be a "I'm hoping to do this the cowards way by disengaging for 3 months first". This hours emotion is "how dare you treat me like this you piece of sh!t!" Which is probably the healthiest emotion to date!! Xx

Thank you so much, that's so kind and hadn't thought of yoga, great idea, I will go look that up and give it a go, so grateful I have my big goofy dog and she gets me up and out xx

Thank you for this, having such positive things to re read really helps, he did discuss with me a few months ago and I made him tell the children, he called my eldest to tell him he was going and when they checked in on me and saw I was feeling like this they mentioned he had called and probably wasn't as OK as he was making out xxx

Yes abandonment-feeling of this kind is so hard on your body. You’ve basically been flooded with chemicals and are in withdrawals, almost like drug withdrawals.
do NOT contact him.
i found the “Mend” app extremely helpful - it gave me meditations and uplifting words to listen to so I could focus on something else. Anytime I picked up my phone to contact him, I’d go to the Mend app instead.
the app also has a tracker, to keep yourself sticking with no contact. It’s brilliant.

wishing you healing, OP. And I think the moments of feeling fine are your truth coming through. Just give it time, it’s a lot to heal. You may find yourself happier and much more free-feeling as the days go by.

Wish you the best OP. I've not been through a situation like this (breakups as a teenager but nothing serious) but I know friendships can be so helpful. Do you have close friends that you can plan a couple of things with them? Maybe somewhere quieter/private so if you need a wee cry you can. Take care 💐

Look after you, eat well, make sure you get plenty of sleep, although I found this very hard.
Take time out to be alone, go for a daily walk to help you process and decompress your feelings.
Get your thoughts and fears out, write a daily journal and put your feelings on paper, it really does help.
Don't be afraid to seek external help. As someone who would have been the least likely to go for counselling I attended sessions for over 6 months and found being able to talk to an unbiased person detached from the situation very helpful to draw out all the emotions I had inside.
It's bloody hard but it does get less raw and better as time progresses.
Maybe find a new hobby to sink yourself into where you can meet new people.

Morning lovely, there you've got through a night. Now onto a fresh day, go for that walk. You're doing fantastic, no contact. Let him wonder what you're up to!!!.

Thank you lovely, will go and download that app today, really appreciate the great advice xx

Thank you so much for the support! Went out early for long walk with dog and went and got a few snacks bits, reading my new book and watching the F1, trying to plan out my days to be busy and not overthinking, so flad to be off work! Xxx

Thank you so much for the advice, that is a good idea! I'm very lucky to have some wonderful friends who know what's been going on and are so supportive, but counselling is a great idea, I will look into that. In the meantime I've started a document on my phone and I'm jotting everything down xxxx

Thank you my lovely, am very lucky to be off work on holiday so ive planned a couple of things with friends next week, so lucky to have wonderful supportive friends! I go out walking with my dog which gives me headspace when I feel upset xxxx

@clareangel So has he changed over the last 2 years and decided he needed space?

I think getting over a marriage is easier when you can make sense of it and know you have both tried. If you feel you don't understand what has happened and feel confused then you might be missing some information.

Yes the last 2 years have been very difficult, and he indeed "needs time on his own" but I see now there has been gaslighting going on in that I'm blamed or shut down whenever anything is discussed. He says I'm not the same person, well I'm not but nor is he! I've had 2 episodes of suicide plans, one he knew but one he had no idea, it seems like I'm always the one to blame for everything, never takes any responsibility for his behaviour, always turns it on me. When he says I've changed he's right but it's because I lost trust in him years ago, many occasions of not being where he said he was and I strongly suspect cheating on me. I can't afford the house on my salary so I'm very worried what will happen at the end of the 3 months, he can't just decide to move back in if he feels like it, I'm very afraid but trying hard to be brave, 30 years together it's very daunting xx

@clareangel the old cliche of time is a healer is very true. It will get better but you have to ride the wave. Some days you will feel like you have gone one step forward then it can hit you and you take four steps back. But over time that will get less and less. I do think most men deal with break ups differently to women as mentioned above, men seem to switch off and try and keep themselves busy, so it appears they aren’t bothered and have moved on straight away. Whereas women tend to go through the emotions and deal with the break up before moving on. It can seem cruel to us that we are heartbroken and they are going about things as though nothing has happened but I’m sure after 30 years together he is feeling it too. I also agree for you not to message him as whatever he says / doesnt say will probably upset you.

You are absolutely spot on lovely, it does feel cruel, like he very casually swanned off not a care in the world, I don't know if he's been in touch with the children and don't want to put them in a difficult position by asking. I had a bad break up before we met and I didn't cover myself in dignity on any way, so I'm determined to have some self respect and not contact him, I've not so far, but anger has arrived at the door with avengence today! Xxx

I don’t have any advice but I’ve just separated from my husband of nearly 23 years and he moved out a week ago. I’m feeling totally overwhelmed with emotion and so much hurt I can barely breathe. I’m doing a lot of the things mentioned in this thread - walking, watching Greys & F1, reading etc. Anything that gets me through another endless day and stops me crying for a bit.

@clareangel just sending massive squishes and hoping you come to your own decision regardless of his ‘finding himself’ moment. Pfft.

As you say there’s really no coming back from this. Even if he swans back home and decides he wants to make a go of it - can you ever let go of what he let you go through and the uncertainty.

I think most people I know - they either split up - or they seek counselling to work out what can be saved. I wouldn’t count swanning off and radio silence as conducive to a good amicable separation or repair technique.

as you say he’s gaslit you already. This feels like more behaviour to keep you in your place .

I hope you find the strength soon to seek legal advice and see where you stand regardless. Good luck.

Bless you lovely, sending you hugs, am up to series12 of Greys and thank heavens its the British GP this week! Am off work on hols which helps, not sure how I will manage work next week though. Doing extra walks with dog, saw supportive friend last night and having lunch with good friends tomorrow. Do you feel you dont want to go out? I'm having to make myself leave the house most days although my wonderful dog helps of course. Are you tired but either can't sleep or zonk out for too long?
23 years is so much of your life it feels so cruel, I keep thinking he will have people telling him he has a right to be happy and he has to do what is right for him etc but does he have the right to hurt me like this and behave as he has? I've been way too reasonable the last 2 years, I see that now, a complete doormat, I almost can't be unkind back which is on me I guess. I hope you are doing OK, here if you need a handhold lovely x

Thank you my lovely, wow this is so spot on and really given me pause for thought and clarity! It really is over if this is how he is now, isn't it? I'm worrying what will happen in 3 months but I should be looking at right now and how he's behaviour is so hurtful and unkind instead. I'm thinking he's being considerate of my feelings having no contact but really he's just shoved off happily hasn't he?? I do this ALL the time, see it from his side and blame myself, I guess years of gaslighting really did convince me things are my fault, as you say, kept me in my place! Looking at text last week I've asked "how will this work? Do you want to come for dinner Sunday?" What the hell am I doing?! Doormat and manipulated, lightbulb moment right here this moment, I can't thank you enough for helping me see what I'm doing and allowing to be done, I'm going for a walk now with the dog to take a good long look at myself! My son has a saying when people are acting out "have a day off will you!" I think I'm adopting that!! Xxx

@clareangel I have to make myself go out and just generally do anything as sometimes I really don’t feel like it. Walking definitely helps although it is currently raining and I don’t feel like braving that so probably no walk for me today. I either can’t sleep or can’t seem to wake up. What is that about! We’ve been together since I was 21 and I went from living with my parents to being married so this is all totally new to me and very scary. Work today actually helped me so hopefully you’ll find the same when you go back next week. I’m just trying to do whatever I need to at any given moment and not be too hard on myself.