Is this the end of the road on my friendship?

Livelifelaughter · 2023-07-01T08:33:40+00:00

My dearest friend is a school friend of 30 years...she has never been emotionally open but it's getting worse and we seem to be at a stage where it's so rare for her to ask how I am or what I have been doing. I find it really hard to talk to her anymore in a connected way, it's more a conversation about books and things. I feel as though I make all the effort, I can't recall the last time she suggested meeting or simply sent me a message... obviously I don't want to throw away this friendship away we have known each other for so long. She also seems to lack any accountability, I suggested going away in July but she wanted to go in Autumn so I arranged my leave around that only for her to say she would be busy and I should go on my own - not acknowledging that I could have done that at a time I actually wanted! The thing that changed in our friendship is that I started a relationship with a man that I met through a couple she is friends with (although that's ended). She has no interest in relationships and hasn't for at least a decade and lives with her adult son and mother. We actually saw each other more when I was in a relationship. I just can't work it out why things have changed between us...Is it worth saving or should I just accept that things end ? It's really hurting me because I feel my relationship ended and my friend isn't showing me any love, as thoughts on I have lost two relationships...

GlassWall · 01/07/2023 09:39

Other than the leave/holiday situation, I’m not sure I understand that the real issue is for you. If you enjoy seeing her, even if you initiate contact, and enjoy talking about books etc, continue? What relevance does your relationship status (both of you) have to your friendship?

Obviously, if you no longer enjoy having her in your life, you should just stop arranging meetings. It sounds as if she won’t contact you.

GlassWall · 01/07/2023 09:41

Sorry, missed the bit where you say you’re sad about your relationship ending — have you asked her for support? If she’s not someone who has relationships and break-ups, you may need to tell her how you’d like to be supported.

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 01/07/2023 09:42

GlassWall · 01/07/2023 09:39

Other than the leave/holiday situation, I’m not sure I understand that the real issue is for you. If you enjoy seeing her, even if you initiate contact, and enjoy talking about books etc, continue? What relevance does your relationship status (both of you) have to your friendship?

Obviously, if you no longer enjoy having her in your life, you should just stop arranging meetings. It sounds as if she won’t contact you.

It feels very superficial the type of conversation you might have with a work colleague at a conference. There's never any " how are you" as in are you happy, sad, anxious etc.

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Dotcheck · 01/07/2023 09:46

But have you asked her how she is too? Is there a possibility she is depressed?
Why does she live with her mum and adult child? Do they need care?
Has she had awful relationships?

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 01/07/2023 09:47

GlassWall · 01/07/2023 09:41

Sorry, missed the bit where you say you’re sad about your relationship ending — have you asked her for support? If she’s not someone who has relationships and break-ups, you may need to tell her how you’d like to be supported.

Thanks... well we arranged a date to talk about stuff but her son came and sat in the room. I get the distinct feeling she doesn't want to talk about that...I almost feel she's created a distance. I don't want to ask her because frankly I can't cope with more rejection.

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Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 01/07/2023 09:50

Dotcheck · 01/07/2023 09:46

But have you asked her how she is too? Is there a possibility she is depressed?
Why does she live with her mum and adult child? Do they need care?
Has she had awful relationships?

I am always asking her how she is - she will say she's been for dinner etc but she doesn't ask me how I am.

It's a large family house, parents and her bought together. She's in her 50s her son 24... that's not a new factor.

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Mary46 · 01/07/2023 18:36

Hard say op maybe its ran its course? I feel that about a few friendships lately.

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 01/07/2023 20:29

Mary46 · 01/07/2023 18:36

Hard say op maybe its ran its course? I feel that about a few friendships lately.

Yes, I rather wonder that.

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Mary46 · 01/07/2023 20:48

Sad when a long friendship. I just feel people busy busy nobody commits. Its disheartening so I stopped arranging things

YouAreNotBatman · 01/07/2023 21:14

Livelifelaughter · 01/07/2023 09:42

It feels very superficial the type of conversation you might have with a work colleague at a conference. There's never any " how are you" as in are you happy, sad, anxious etc.

Show quote history

I guess I could be like your friend.

I actually find the ’life talk’ often to be more on the shallow side.
I’m not sure why so often the talks have to be about relationships and what they did yesterday.

I want to do and share time and things together, not know their boufriend has a flu…

Maybe except her as who she is, talk about the break-up with other people.

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 02/07/2023 07:38

YouAreNotBatman · 01/07/2023 21:14

I guess I could be like your friend.

I actually find the ’life talk’ often to be more on the shallow side.
I’m not sure why so often the talks have to be about relationships and what they did yesterday.

I want to do and share time and things together, not know their boufriend has a flu…

Maybe except her as who she is, talk about the break-up with other people.

Show quote history

It's not really just talking about a break up it's the feeling of having a friend who has your back...I feel, because I am, always "checking in" and not getting any meaningful response, so if I ask her house she is, she honestly might tell me about what she's ate. And won't ask the same question back. I had to ask 3 times for a new date to meet up after she cancelled on me ...it feels as though she really just doesn't care about me or our friendship. Maybe I just need to accept that.

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Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 02/07/2023 07:39

Mary46 · 01/07/2023 20:48

Sad when a long friendship. I just feel people busy busy nobody commits. Its disheartening so I stopped arranging things

People spread themselves thinly...

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Ladybug14 · 02/07/2023 07:43

Maybe she's just not interested in you anymore?

Maybe she's depressed?

Maybe she ..... there could be any number of reasons why things are different

But if its no longer working for you then don't bother any longer

Just because something has longevity doesn't mean you have to give your time to it

LadyWithLapdog · 02/07/2023 07:46

Maybe take a few months off and see if you miss each other enough to rekindle this friendship. The feeling of rejection is awful.

Backstreets · 02/07/2023 07:48

Sounds like she’s checked out and isn’t as invested as you are :/

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 02/07/2023 07:54

LadyWithLapdog · 02/07/2023 07:46

Maybe take a few months off and see if you miss each other enough to rekindle this friendship. The feeling of rejection is awful.

It's just that, this feeling of rejection. I literally feel as though everyone is rejecting me at the moment in one way or another...be it, my friend, break up, mother dying, losing job in a period of 6 months...this is quite honestly the crappiest bit of my life.

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Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 02/07/2023 07:55

Backstreets · 02/07/2023 07:48

Sounds like she’s checked out and isn’t as invested as you are :/

True.

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Yetisrus · 02/07/2023 07:58

Mary46 · 01/07/2023 18:36

Hard say op maybe its ran its course? I feel that about a few friendships lately.

I've noticed that too. I wonder whether lockdown/post lockdown has anything to do with it. When we were all in some sort of covid bubble you didn't really think much beyond when will x open again, when can I go on holiday again. Now we can, we realise life's short and we realise what isn't enhancing our life, including all those friendships.

SoWhatEh · 02/07/2023 08:01

But maybe she is one of those people who hates having to sit through hours of emotional sharing in order to be considered a good friend.

I came away from lunch with a friend yesterday feeling so happy I almost felt high. Five hours had passed and it felt like two, because we had talked about books, ideas, talks, walks. It's so refreshing (to me and to that particular friend, I know) not to have to poke around in our emotions all the time. I suffer from depression and the last thing I ever want to talk about is how I am feeling. I want conversations that pull me out of myself, into the energising world of ideas. It could be that she feels very drained and dragged down by discussing relationship breakdowns and family issues.

If you value the friendship, why not read three books you find really engaging and brilliant, and email her with enthusiastic thoughts about them. See if she responds. Let her become the friend with whom you share ideas, not emotions.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 02/07/2023 08:02

Just because you've been friends since childhood doesn't mean you have to keep plowing energy into it if it's not working for you. Maybe step back for a while, let her come to you and see if that changes the dynamic. If she doesn't you know that she's not invested any longer and it's time to leave this particular friendship

peachypudding · 02/07/2023 08:11

It sounds like you're going through a really bad patch OP. I am sorry. This too shall pass.

I agree with the PP who suggested talking about books, ideas etc - not emotions. Hard as it is when you're going through the mill, try to be uplifting not draining when you're with her.

YouAreNotBatman · 02/07/2023 08:16

Livelifelaughter · 02/07/2023 07:38

It's not really just talking about a break up it's the feeling of having a friend who has your back...I feel, because I am, always "checking in" and not getting any meaningful response, so if I ask her house she is, she honestly might tell me about what she's ate. And won't ask the same question back. I had to ask 3 times for a new date to meet up after she cancelled on me ...it feels as though she really just doesn't care about me or our friendship. Maybe I just need to accept that.

Show quote history

Yeah, I understood that’s what you meant.
And I was saying that we’re all different and she most likely cares about you too.
Just in a different way.

But if you’re done, then you are done.

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 02/07/2023 08:34

SoWhatEh · 02/07/2023 08:01

But maybe she is one of those people who hates having to sit through hours of emotional sharing in order to be considered a good friend.

I came away from lunch with a friend yesterday feeling so happy I almost felt high. Five hours had passed and it felt like two, because we had talked about books, ideas, talks, walks. It's so refreshing (to me and to that particular friend, I know) not to have to poke around in our emotions all the time. I suffer from depression and the last thing I ever want to talk about is how I am feeling. I want conversations that pull me out of myself, into the energising world of ideas. It could be that she feels very drained and dragged down by discussing relationship breakdowns and family issues.

If you value the friendship, why not read three books you find really engaging and brilliant, and email her with enthusiastic thoughts about them. See if she responds. Let her become the friend with whom you share ideas, not emotions.

I understand what you're saying...but and this is a big but...I don't think it's unreasonable to talk about things in life which are hard with your oldest friend as long as you don't do it all the time or it's all about yourself. I know you're trying to be helpful but I read ! I read lots and I am not a "Debbie Downer"

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Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 02/07/2023 08:38

peachypudding · 02/07/2023 08:11

It sounds like you're going through a really bad patch OP. I am sorry. This too shall pass.

I agree with the PP who suggested talking about books, ideas etc - not emotions. Hard as it is when you're going through the mill, try to be uplifting not draining when you're with her.

To be honest if a friend of mine is going through shit I would like to think I am a friend they can share that with. It's interesting because we all harp on about mental health problems but a few of these posts seem to show why mental health issues remain hidden. I am not saying that's necessarily what I have but am surprised at the numbers suggesting to hide emotions with a friend I have known for over 30 years..
.

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Seaoftroubles · 02/07/2023 08:48

Sorry O.P but it does sound like she has pulled away. Sometimes friendships end for what is seemingly no good reason. Maybe there are things going on in her life that she doesnt want to share at the moment?Perhaps continue to keep light contact and she if she answers or initiates. It's all you can do really as you can't force friendships, even long standing ones.