Is this the end of the road on my friendship?

[Livelifelaughter]

My dearest friend is a school friend of 30 years...she has never been emotionally open but it's getting worse and we seem to be at a stage where it's so rare for her to ask how I am or what I have been doing. I find it really hard to talk to her anymore in a connected way, it's more a conversation about books and things. I feel as though I make all the effort, I can't recall the last time she suggested meeting or simply sent me a message... obviously I don't want to throw away this friendship away we have known each other for so long. She also seems to lack any accountability, I suggested going away in July but she wanted to go in Autumn so I arranged my leave around that only for her to say she would be busy and I should go on my own - not acknowledging that I could have done that at a time I actually wanted!
The thing that changed in our friendship is that I started a relationship with a man that I met through a couple she is friends with (although that's ended). She has no interest in relationships and hasn't for at least a decade and lives with her adult son and mother. We actually saw each other more when I was in a relationship. I just can't work it out why things have changed between us...Is it worth saving or should I just accept that things end ? It's really hurting me because I feel my relationship ended and my friend isn't showing me any love, as thoughts on I have lost two relationships...

It sounds to me like you're going through a really tough period in your life and are looking for connection and 'real' conversations with people to help you make sense of your experiences and maybe find some comfort.

You're reaching out to an old friend as you have so much history together. It's perfectly reasonable to think that this would be the place to find some of the connection you're looking for.

Unfortunately, it sounds as if she can't offer this kind of depth and understanding. Maybe she never really has been that kind of friend but in your time of trouble, you're only just beginning to realise this?

If you persevere with constantly trying to make arrangements to see her, hoping she will turn out to be the supportive friend you're looking for, you will keep being disappointed. Reading your posts, I got the impression of someone who keeps getting a door slammed in their face and that's sad.

None of this is your fault and you deserve to be supported. I think it would be better to step back from this friend, find help elsewhere (counselling?) and in a few months' time, reconsider whether you want to continue with the friendship.

Wishing you the best of luck and hoping life improves!

Do people still actively reference covid as part of decision making about friendship and relationships? It doesn't enter my head and it had no effect whatsoever on me or my friends.

Perhaps she just doesn't have the capacity for those kinds of emotional connections, the checking in and so on, and talking about more superficial subects is her way of showing she cares? It's very hard when you're going through a season of loss and grief but it doesn't sound like can give you the emotional support you need right now. Some friendships can have a lot of history but very little depth. This might be one of those.

Thank you. Your final comment about the longevity of a friendship not being an indicator of depth isn't something I had thought about but it rings true.

I agree, on reflection I am probably asking for something she doesn't have the capacity to provide.

I appreciate your kindness. Thank you.

Surely she has asc?

Perhaps she just doesn't have the capacity for those kinds of emotional connections, the checking in and so on, and talking about more superficial subects is her way of showing she cares?

I just have to jump again and say that it’s not fair to say ’doesn’t have the capacity’ or ’superficial’. We all have different views and standards.
If a friend would contact me to talk about break-up, I wouldn’t see this as ’deep’ or dear friend making connection or whatever.
At all.
Doesn’t mean I lack capacity or it’s superficial, it just wouldn’t connect to me as deep or meaningfull.
I’d listen and try to be there, but I would be thinking that all this is meant to be written in a personal diary, and if it goes on for long time I’d think they are being pretty self-absorbed now.
I’d do my best, but wouldn’t mean we now how deeper friendship, that doesn’t even make sense really.

@Livelifelaughter
It’s a shame you didn’t want to take in what SoWhatEh wrote, it was incredibly insightful.
But going on by your other comments, I can see that you want to in the right and be the wounded person. Have you thought about theraphy? It sounds like you are asking a lot of this friend and upset she doesn’t jump into save you. I think professional, who is paid to listen to people jammer on about themselves on what they find personal would be a good idea, they’d give you all the attention you’re seeking.

There's an assumption that all I do is off load that I am self absorbed, selfish or similar. I wouldn't want to be a friend to others who didn't listen or support them in good and bad times. There's also an assumption that this friend of mine hasn't had difficult times; again not true and I have been there 110 per cent for her.

Gosh you seem to lack empathy and emotional intelligence.

Is it superficial, or is it just not about either of your lives? I have friends of whom I’m very fond, and our conversations are usually about books, art etc. Those conversations aren’t in the least superficial, they’re just not about my or those friends’ personal lives.

I dont know op. I feel people got selfish. What can I do for them. I took a big step back. This constant busy busy busy. Think Im done with the crap lol. Thats my view on it!!!

Maybe superficial isn't appropriate? I don't really know. But I also have friends where we don't talk much about what's going on in our respective lives, but for me these wouldn't be close friends I can't really see how they could be...

Perhaps this is why your friend doesn’t ask you anything or want to have deep talks with.

No it’s not the end- communicate. Directly. Tell her what you want and how you feel in a nice but direct way.

Another lovely message