Husband is selfish

[Kiwistar]

I am literally so angry at myself that I am still here frankly as this behaviour has continued throughout our entire relationship (14 years). We have children. They are getting older now and are starting to see this for what it is. My eldest in particular, dislikes his fathers behaviour.

He goes out after work for ‘one pint’ rocks up hours (usually the next Morning- this morning it’s 7am- sometimes it’ll be 48 hours of no contact, phone off, no idea where he is- this is the extreme of this behaviour). It’s highly unlikely he’s cheating. He is with his mates being a selfish prick drinking and partying. He is a 40 year old child. I have been so close to leaving over the years because of this behaviour.

This happens in spates. Particularly after a massive load of arguments about it, he will be in at a reasonable time or if he’s going to be late, he will let me know, all I ask is a text message because it’s respectful. I don’t have an issue with him going out with his mates, I do have an issue with him going missing and not contacting me at all. My eldest asks where Daddy is. It is heartbreaking. They just think he doesn’t care. They think this is normal. He disgusts me.

I am enraged with him but mostly I am enraged with myself for tolerating this behaviour for years.

I want to add that the reason leaving is so hard is because when he’s not being completely selfish he’s the total opposite. He’s helpful, loving, hard working, kind etc
but then this behaviour is completely selfish. I’ve tried to be ok with occasional behaviour like this but I can’t stomach it. If I did this he would be furious! I never go out let alone disappear.

does anyone have any advice about how I can deal with this? I feel so lonely on this marriage. When these behaviours start up again it’ll be a spate of sometimes 3 times a week then nothing for months. I just can’t live like this. Yesterday I had a panic attack during the day (I have this anyway) and I needed to talk to an adult about it! Instead I had to take care of all the kids by myself, and carry on like everything was fine, then he does this again.

he’s said sorry. He’s not sorry. His actions tell me he does not respect me in the slightest.

Give him a fright. Send him a divorce petition. You can do one online. That should wake him up.

There’s a woman who lives near me whose husband does this. We hear her shouting at him when he comes back at 5, 6, 7 in the morning. She gets beside herself.

I don’t think she knows what to do. It seems easy enough to us on the outside - ‘fgs just chuck him out’ - but it’s not so clear when you’re on the inside, living it.

I do think that you should show the DC that you’re not putting up with it, and start divorce proceedings and ask him to move out. He’s a shit father and a shit husband.

I was going to say that this will affect your health - then you mentioned the panic attack.
Random stressful upsetting, angering stuff like this in your life is not good for you and no doubt affects the DCs too.
I would speak to a solicitor to get a plan in order (finances how would you manage alone, where would you both live, would you have a pension etc etc) Then once the fear of the future is something you can think rationally about start divorce proceedings or warn him you will start divorce proceedings.

Your last sentence, if he does not respect you, why stay? Don't do this to yourself, it is making you ill and hurting your children.

Thankyou for your messages. Luckily for my husband I don’t shout at him at all when he comes home. I don’t the children to hear that. This is why I think it’s been swept under the rug.

only last year at the end of 2022 I went to a solicitor and got all of the financial bits looked into so I knew where I stood. I’ve never come so close. The email is still in my inbox. After this he stopped doing it for a while. Then it’s like as soon as things seem happy again he goes back to this behaviour. I think I have to accept that it will not change no matter what I do. I think for years I’ve just wanted to believe that it’ll be ok but as the children grow up I think, one day they won’t even be here and I’ll be all on my own with a husband who does this all the time. It’s very lonely

Your husband is an alcoholic. He needs help. I'm nit saying you should stay with him but maybe give him the option of rehab or leave. Also he may be addicted to other substances. Good luck OP

You’re probably right shesnottheone

This is screaming cocaine to me. 48hour benders? He's on something.

I was thinking cocaine too. No-one stays up/out that long regularly without something to help them along!

He stops doing it until he thinks you've 'calmed down' about it and the risk of proper consequences has passed, then he goes on his merry way. So even when things are good, they're not good, because they're built on softening you up to put up with another burst of it.

Yeah I don't think a 40 year old can manage a two day bender without 'help'

this

Whatever, he's a crap husband and a useless father. You surely would be better off, in all ways, without the twat

OP, you could be so much happier without this behaviour to deal with, either on your own or with a partner who didn't do this. Life is too short to deal with this shit long term.

Do you want your daughter growing up thinking this is just what you have to put up with in order to have a man? Do you want her staying in a crappy relationship adhere she gets treated like shit because that's all she's ever known? Personally I'd rather show my DD that you need to know your worth.

I think drugs too. For you, your health and your kids you need this behaviour to stop. Give him an ultimatum but mean it. Don’t accommodate any unacceptable behaviour, it’s easy to say it’s better than before. Better is not good enough for you or your kids. Prepare yourself, depending on the extent of his problem he might not be able to give you what you deserve. Tell yourself everyday I deserve the best.
Good luck OP it’s hard, but life is too short to make do and it won’t help your kids in the long run.

What does partying mean to you, OP? I assumed it meant drink, drugs and sex.

Start by being honest with your children. When they say "Where is Dad?" answer truthfully - "Out somewhere getting drunk again. I hope you will grow up to be a better person than your Dad."
Open a separate bank account and start depositing what you can to build an escape fund.
Decide whether you want to be a panicked single parent escaping with her children to a better life or panicked broken wife whose children have left their miserable home as soon as possible and is now alone with an alcoholic - probably as a carer since he has liver failure, kidney failure, and alcoholic dementia.

You are choosing to stay.

Your poor children have zero choice and are just faced with this confusing chaos.

Those poor children deserve better.

So do you.

Dig out the email and take action.

Definitely drugs involved on this.
I wouldn't tolerate that and certainly wouldn't put my children through it.

Wondering as I read your post if he has a drink problem? Drugs? Doesn’t seem much logic if he’s otherwise brilliant. What’s the obsession with going out..? I’d put money on it being an alcohol dependency. Or drugs but I’d suspect alcohol more so. Honestly it’s probably time you just bit the bullet and left if it’s been that long. Doesn’t seem like he has any desire to change and ultimately you would be happier and more fulfilled without this negativity in your life. Good luck xx

Just wrote a detailed reply and lost it. But basically my longest relationship ended the same way. I finally gave an ultimatum, the next chance he had he did it again and I stuck to it.
He told people it was my choice, but he was the one who chose what he wanted.

I only found out months later it was massive coke binges.

Only You can change your own future. He won’t do it for you. This is who he is. He won’t change and why would he when he gets the green light to keep doing it.

I recommended Al Anon for you. He's going to drink (and possibly do cocaine). What are you going to do? You can't control him but you can control your own reactions. From personal experience I strongly recommend Al Anon.

(I left my alcoholic but we never had children. Most people in Al Anon are not looking to leave their alcoholic but to help themselves).

Good luck. If your children are teens then Alateen could help them.

I agree with others, cocaine is definitely involved here. It seems to be rampant these days.

You need to look into how hes funding these benders. A friend of mine found out her husband had a massive cocaine problem when he confessed to having a 10k drug debt. She was shocked. She knew he liked to go out and drink but had no idea drugs were involved. She helped him pay it off and he promised to change. And he did, for awhile, or at least seemed to change. 3 yrs later and another 10k drug debt finally ended their marriage.

I feel like I’ve wasted so much of my life with this man. I of course do not regret having children with him.