Husband is selfish

[Kiwistar]

I am literally so angry at myself that I am still here frankly as this behaviour has continued throughout our entire relationship (14 years). We have children. They are getting older now and are starting to see this for what it is. My eldest in particular, dislikes his fathers behaviour.

He goes out after work for ‘one pint’ rocks up hours (usually the next Morning- this morning it’s 7am- sometimes it’ll be 48 hours of no contact, phone off, no idea where he is- this is the extreme of this behaviour). It’s highly unlikely he’s cheating. He is with his mates being a selfish prick drinking and partying. He is a 40 year old child. I have been so close to leaving over the years because of this behaviour.

This happens in spates. Particularly after a massive load of arguments about it, he will be in at a reasonable time or if he’s going to be late, he will let me know, all I ask is a text message because it’s respectful. I don’t have an issue with him going out with his mates, I do have an issue with him going missing and not contacting me at all. My eldest asks where Daddy is. It is heartbreaking. They just think he doesn’t care. They think this is normal. He disgusts me.

I am enraged with him but mostly I am enraged with myself for tolerating this behaviour for years.

I want to add that the reason leaving is so hard is because when he’s not being completely selfish he’s the total opposite. He’s helpful, loving, hard working, kind etc
but then this behaviour is completely selfish. I’ve tried to be ok with occasional behaviour like this but I can’t stomach it. If I did this he would be furious! I never go out let alone disappear.

does anyone have any advice about how I can deal with this? I feel so lonely on this marriage. When these behaviours start up again it’ll be a spate of sometimes 3 times a week then nothing for months. I just can’t live like this. Yesterday I had a panic attack during the day (I have this anyway) and I needed to talk to an adult about it! Instead I had to take care of all the kids by myself, and carry on like everything was fine, then he does this again.

he’s said sorry. He’s not sorry. His actions tell me he does not respect me in the slightest.

So why dont you leave?

And remember OP when he says 'sorry' he is not.
If he was sorry he wouldn't do it. He only says sorry because he thinks he has to.

After all of this time, in my experience of men which is fairly limited, they do not change ever.

What are you still getting out of this relationship now?

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. Do not continue to show them this example of a marriage as still being acceptable to you on some level.
You also need to ask yourself truthfully why you have stayed to date with such a man at all.

the real him is the one on the benders. thats who he actually is. not the happy families one. what message do you think his behaviour sends to your children? do you think just keeping quiet about it means they dont notice? how are you going to respond when your 14 year old child goes on a bender because after all in your household this is normal acceptable behaviour. You are 40, not even half way through life, do the right thing if not for yourself but for them. or are you waiting until his drug habit really grabs hold and is more obvious or he mortgages the house for money for his binges?

He sounds really awful.

Can you manage without him? What is stopping you going/splitting up?

You can’t control or change his behaviour. So you either accept it or leave. This is who he is, a ‘man’ who acts like a 19 year old, who thinks it’s fun to go out on 48 hour benders and waste money on such shit. He sounds like a bore tbh most drunks and coke heads are.

It sucks but it sounds like he changes enough for it to blow over and then the pull of the booze is too much and off he trots lying about ‘one pint’ knowing it’s easier to ask for forgiveness then change his ways.

If I’m honest, anxiety stops me. I’m paralysed with fear. Stress sends my condition into a frenzy. I realise the stress of leaving will get better and not leaving won’t but it’s almost better the devil you know. I don’t want to be treated this way but I don’t want to get any worse than I already am. It’s absolutely terrifying. I also don’t want to not see my kids for part of the week. I’ll miss them immensely. I feel like being without them would be worse than the current situation. I realise it’s a horrible situation for them to be in now too so I feel like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

👏👏

@Kiwistar I think it's unlikely he will want your kids for vast amounts of time if he has an alcohol/drugs problem. He clearly 'has issues' - and you deserve way more than this - to be frank you've given him chances and he's blown them.

I would bet anything that the anxiety you feel will lessen without the stress of him around. Yes it will be tough at the beginning but you can prepare for that now. You only have two choices - carry on or leave and only you know which is right but I know I would be out the door.

Can you afford counselling? You could work on how to leave.

Have you read ‘feel the fear and do it anyway?’

I really need some
advise of fellow mums/wives/partners. I’m currently sat on my own in tears as I continue to say how irrelevant I am
in my household.

I have been with my husband for almost 15 years 8 of which we have been married. My life with my kids, leading up to Christmas he never bought a single gift, he met his mate for coffee the day before Christmas Eve which to me was not the priority. He’s always snappy towards me and our oldest child everything we seem to do is wrong. He plays golf, he goes to work and everything he does circles around him and what he wants to do never about me or the children. Even if any of us have been unwell he’s never taken days off work he’s always escaped the parenting or looking after me his wife. If I call him out on anything his answer is ok nothing more even yesterday evening as an example i wanted the house to be clean as it has been a little chaotic with Christmas he shouted while the children were in bed I’m not making fucking food again you stupid c**t and threw a draw from the fridge onto the kitchen worktop. I said ok I will not clean I’ll help with food so I went to the kitchen helped with food we sat down to watch TV all the while he has said nothing to me half way through the show gets up says I’m going bed this is a waste of time.

he shows no effort or care towards me or our children but sometimes I think is it me am I doing something wrong as to me he seems to just have his own life and then we have ours as a 3 so what’s the point of me working hard and trying to build a family unit when there isn’t one but I don’t think he’d leave as he as it too good. I am so confused upset and just lost