My DH's female relatives emotionally exhaust me.

[DramaFatigue]

I have been with my DH for many years but this issue has not got any better, just worse.

My MIL, SIL and their other relatives (cousins, aunts) just exhaust me mentally and emotionally. A large part of it I think are cultural differences. MIL is southern Mediterranean but has lived here for many years. My DH sees himself as 100% British whereas my MIL and the other women here (although most born here) see themselves as their other heritage. Everything British is terrible apparently. Until my DH met me, he had never been on a day out, or a holiday in the UK and was really surprised to see how beautiful it was.

My MIL has to be in a constant drama, and continuously plays games. If you are "not blood" you are basically a bad smell under her nose. I've constantly been told I am not family, and not blood. Then, when I take that on board, I am berated for not wanting to know them, or being inclusive and keeping their DS/ brother from them. I can't win. They constantly slag their relatives off, and if you have married into the family, you are ripped to bits, behind your back. I've heard them say really dreadful things about other female relatives, never the men, and if I heard someone talk about me like that, I would refuse to speak to that person again. I can feel a constant underflow of me being the enemy when we are together. It's fucking exhausting.

Trying not to out myself with this specific situation but I was just talking to my DH about something that happened a while ago. We asked if they wanted to meet up to pass a Fathers Day present. MIL said they couldn't as X person was working away, and another was going to the theatre. Turns out it was a massive yarn, and they just went out for the day with someone else. I just don't understand how you can sit there and come up with a plot, with characters and convincingly deliver it. Why not just say, "I can't, I am busy that day". Another day his mum phoned up and told us she is no longer speaking to one of her relatives and opened up a massive international feud. Everything is a drama, a crisis, a game of chess. If there is nothing going on, she'll create it.

You'd think this was pop corn worthy, but I just find it exhausting. I'm tired. I've had enough. I just don't understand why these people act like this, and then turn around and say I am the problem. My DH says I am reading too much into it and why am I bothered as he is not.

I don't think my MIL and her relatives are very nice people, and that has nothing to do with culture. However, constantly telling me Britain is rubbish, and constantly berating British women isn't very nice to hear, plus they really are no oil paintings themselves!

Anyone else been in a similar position and how do you handle it? I don't want to come across as culturally insensitive but I do feel it plays a part. For example, they argue and shout and scream at each other. I have never encountered this in my own family and that is a big deal to me. I just don't see how the next day, you can be on speaking terms again if you have torn into a person.

Well I know what I would do OP, theres no room for drama in my life. I'd let the bloke deal with this own family and just stay away from them as much as possible. The times things were an unavoidable duty. The first sign of a raised voice I would get up and leave.

If you put a boundary in place and stick to it, it won't feed your anxiety.

Sounds utter shit though.

Ive no experience of in laws from another culture, but mine are exhausting in their pettyness and bitching, so I don’t see them. Haven’t seen DH’s family for 7 years.

I have Mediterranean relatives too and they are also batshit. More sniping than a royal bloody court and they go hell for leather when they argue.

Normally I’d advise open communication but it would probably add fuel to the fire. I think distance, politeness and a stiff upper lip are the only way to go. How very British.

Oh God I could write this. I actually do really like my female in laws, I don’t have any family of my own except cousins so they are important to my family, but they are completely emotionally draining. There was a lot of violence in DHs home growing up from his Dad so there was constant chaos so that has caused them to create chaos around them which is very, very draining. For me getting DH on board to recognise it isn’t normal and to consciously use very strict boundaries with them is how we are handling it but recognising all of that honestly just makes it even more exhausting to deal with.

Normally I’d advise open communication but it would probably add fuel to the fire. I think distance, politeness and a stiff upper lip are the only way to go. How very British.

Good advice, very few dysfunctional families have open communication because they cannot cope with that. DH on occasion has tried to speak to his sisters and mother about things but they are all just so different and difficult in their own ways (including DH from their perspective I am absolutely sure) that it just doesn’t work. So instead of open communication fudging works best.

Oh yes I have this but with central American in-laws. Britain is sooo terrible, so ugly and cold. Baked beans! 😱
Everything is so much better in their home country apparently.
The adult children have adopted this too, even though they were born in the UK. Everything about their parent's country and culture is so much better. 🙄
They have nothing nice to say about British men and women.

They also have crazy family drama and everyone is bitching about everyone else. All they care about is money and the size of their houses. They're exhausting!

I would advise her that she wasn't blood when she married her husband and let her swallow that.

If they slag off Britain, adopt an interested face and ask then why they don't move back home if it's so shit here?

Tell them how lucky they are to have EU passports so nothing stopping them leaving.

Just let him deal with his only family and distance apart from when you have to see them

if you want a potentially loving, friendly, close, in-law relationship- you need to see exhausting families as a red flag when dating, however much you like the person.

Do this.

But mostly avoid at all costs. Send your DH regularly on his own.

Im not sure what he thinks about this it why he thinks it is necessary that you go to invites when these people are so condescending towards you!

My in-laws are Pakistani and are the same, even down to the elaborate storytelling. Slag off everything British but fight tooth and nail to stay here. Have heard my sil's laugh and say that you can take the girl out of Pakistan but can't take Pakistan out of the girl and they aren't talking about the nice aspects.

We fell out and have been nc with one of them for over a year. It's bloody wonderful. They caused so much drama and stress. Just stop with them. Leave all contact through DH.

his mum phoned up and told us she is no longer speaking to one of her relatives
Get her to stop speaking to you, too. Tell her that it's bitter, xenophobic and spiteful to constantly whinge about an entire nation, especially when someone from that nation is there, and that you hate spending time with her as a result.
If she doesn't stop speaking to you, she might at least be rude to you, in which case you have even more justification for not speaking to her. If your dh complains about you not speaking to her, point out that his mother does this herself, to her own relatives.
Or maybe your being rudely honest will give her more respect for you, you never know.

If OP says this, though, they can just say that she's being xenophobic. It's a classic xenophobic line.

I understand this. Not as bad, but some similarities but what I do have which is absolutely worse is a familial-wide believe that everyone and I mean everyone is out to get them and this paranoia means lots of ridiculous statements as fact which also sometimes cross the line into racist/sexist comments, lots of handwringing about completely unnecessary things etc.

I just don't take it. They make some outrageous comment about, for example, how they can't take a cab because all cab drivers will drive around for hours just ro rack up the fee (or will rob you directly) and I reply with, "you know that's ridiculous right?"

I suspect that I am not always talked about positively, but that's fine, I refuse to buy into this bullshit. And it means when we do hang out, it's fine because they just bite their tongue around me. And I return the favour by not bringing up things I know will upset them/send them spiralling.

exactly the same here. I’m not family, the rows, the talking over everyone, the opinions. They don’t shut up and listen.

I am civil when I see them but other than that make no effort.

it’s not a country thing for them either, it’s bloody London. London is the best, why would you live anywhere else, London has this that and the other. I don’t think any of them have spent time anywhere else in the country to even compare. Northerners are thick and ignorant, racist, there’s no tube…

yep, I’m northern.

New rule of thumb. Your DH visits and interacts with in laws. You don't need this so stop doing it. If you want to then join him once a year. Consider moving, he's probably desperate to get away from them too.

My mum's like this. She's not from a different country, but she constantly falls out with people and tries to create drama. I hate it and just want a peaceful life but I'm 52 and there's no sign of it ending any time soon. I distance myself and grey rock. I'd be happier if I was estranged really.

How does “you’re not family” work, when families are literally bringing together different “blood”.

she and her husband don’t share “blood”, so whose blood is she talking about, hers or his?

if hers is more important somehow then the same principle should apply to the OP when it comes to her and her own husband!

it’s all just a nonsense.

Honestly, in my experience, it clearly means that you're not from their country. I.e because i'm British, i'll never truly be accepted.

Absolutely don't do this. It would make you just as much of a dick as them.

I met my husband young and this is something that didn't cross my mind.

I don't know if other people consider it, but it's something I've never heard mentioned and it should be.

My husbands family are dreadful, which has become a massive problem since we had kids. If someone had pointed this out to me many years ago I doubt I would have married him.

Blunt, but true.

Overall, my in laws are fine and also southern Mediterranean. But I was a bit taken aback fairly recently when MIL assured me that I "was part of the family". It hadn't even occurred to me that I wasn't. It did make me look back on certain things with entirely new eyes though!

My takeaway though is that I am NOW part of the family, but I wasn't for a long time!?

This sounds like a nightmare.

sounds a bit xenophobic but if they hate the UK so much then why live here. There’s a big old world out there! Live in a part of it you enjoy I say.

Yes the drama and conflama sounds exhausting. I think you and DH need to be on the same page and act as a team as to how to deal with it. Because if not it will drive a wedge between you.

My DH says I am reading too much into it and why am I bothered as he is not

Of course he’s not bothered, he’s ‘blood’, he’s ‘faaaaaaaamily’.

You’re berated and excluded and run down all the time. I’d refuse to have any dealings with them at all. You know they’re being vile about you behind your back anyway, so why bother subjecting yourself to them?

I’d tell my boyfriend this. I’d draw my boundaries clearly. Do you have long term plans with this man?

He’s not even defending you? If you have a child with this man , these women are going to criticise you and try to control you ,

you don’t have to put up with their b.s , if they don’t like you then don’t be around them and if they ask why , tell them that you don’t want to spend time with people who are rude and don’t like you