My DH's female relatives emotionally exhaust me.

[DramaFatigue]

I have been with my DH for many years but this issue has not got any better, just worse.

My MIL, SIL and their other relatives (cousins, aunts) just exhaust me mentally and emotionally. A large part of it I think are cultural differences. MIL is southern Mediterranean but has lived here for many years. My DH sees himself as 100% British whereas my MIL and the other women here (although most born here) see themselves as their other heritage. Everything British is terrible apparently. Until my DH met me, he had never been on a day out, or a holiday in the UK and was really surprised to see how beautiful it was.

My MIL has to be in a constant drama, and continuously plays games. If you are "not blood" you are basically a bad smell under her nose. I've constantly been told I am not family, and not blood. Then, when I take that on board, I am berated for not wanting to know them, or being inclusive and keeping their DS/ brother from them. I can't win. They constantly slag their relatives off, and if you have married into the family, you are ripped to bits, behind your back. I've heard them say really dreadful things about other female relatives, never the men, and if I heard someone talk about me like that, I would refuse to speak to that person again. I can feel a constant underflow of me being the enemy when we are together. It's fucking exhausting.

Trying not to out myself with this specific situation but I was just talking to my DH about something that happened a while ago. We asked if they wanted to meet up to pass a Fathers Day present. MIL said they couldn't as X person was working away, and another was going to the theatre. Turns out it was a massive yarn, and they just went out for the day with someone else. I just don't understand how you can sit there and come up with a plot, with characters and convincingly deliver it. Why not just say, "I can't, I am busy that day". Another day his mum phoned up and told us she is no longer speaking to one of her relatives and opened up a massive international feud. Everything is a drama, a crisis, a game of chess. If there is nothing going on, she'll create it.

You'd think this was pop corn worthy, but I just find it exhausting. I'm tired. I've had enough. I just don't understand why these people act like this, and then turn around and say I am the problem. My DH says I am reading too much into it and why am I bothered as he is not.

I don't think my MIL and her relatives are very nice people, and that has nothing to do with culture. However, constantly telling me Britain is rubbish, and constantly berating British women isn't very nice to hear, plus they really are no oil paintings themselves!

Anyone else been in a similar position and how do you handle it? I don't want to come across as culturally insensitive but I do feel it plays a part. For example, they argue and shout and scream at each other. I have never encountered this in my own family and that is a big deal to me. I just don't see how the next day, you can be on speaking terms again if you have torn into a person.

Almost all countries and cultures except the UK on the whole are intolerant of other countries, cultures and nationalities. That was to be expected with their being South Mediterranean, particularly bitchiness about women's appearance and other backward views. With a few small exceptions the majority of people from there will be holding the views you've described. They benefit from the UK which is a tolerant society where thinking of others is put first while shitting all over.
Get rid of them. They are a poor influence on your kids.

I would stay well away from all his family because they are all dysfunctional and otherwise emotionally unhealthy people.

What if anything do you know about his mother's childhood; that often gives clues. This is nothing to do with her culture either. Not all people from her home nation have such thinking.

Your DH is mired in FOG; fear, obligation and guilt and does not want to rock the boat because he is a boat steadier. He needs to realise that his own inertia when it comes to them hurts him as much as you.

Almost all countries and cultures except the UK on the whole are intolerant of other countries, cultures and nationalities.
I used to think that the UK was a bit more tolerant, but now tbh I think it's just the people I know in the UK who are reasonably well educated and polite. You get some nasty racism and xenophobia in the UK too.

Mine believe that stating feelings to the person’s face then letting it go makes them more honest, genuine and straightforward than people who are nice to your face and stab you in the back. So they will call you a c* then be nice the next day like nothing has happened.

Sorry I can’t be any of help OP other than extending sympathy to you. I totally agree @Suprima and @wineschmine. Family dynamics should be of major concern when dating someone. I divorced from my ExH for many reasons. However it was one of the happiest days of my life when I also realised I would never have to deal with his family ever again. After my ExH died I used to wonder if they still behaved the same way. The matriarch and patriarch of the family are now also dead. They were the instigators of a lot of the drama.

When I divorced my exh it totally changed the dynamic - I've since had my ex-FIL over for Christmas and so on as I don't have to put up with his nonsense quietly to pacify my exh: I can just talk back to him, and he backs off. We get on much better.

The racism towards us Brits really gets to me. My PIL actually moved back to my MIL's country about a decade ago and stayed 18-months as it turns out they are better off here £££, and they get to use the NHS, free this and that till the cows come home. They had a terrible time but was the best 18 months of my life.

Also, I have a very strong culture of my own. Both my parents are from one of the UK's union and this makes up a massive part of my own life. If I want to be difficult about it, my DC are 50% of one culture and only 25% of my MILS, but do I ram it down anyones throat - no I don't!

Interesting about what people say about open communication and dysfunctional families. In my family, which isn't perfect, everyone gets along mostly and if you have an issue with someone you would just deal with them directly and in private. Or, they would say "come on, that's pissing me off, stop doing that", then a hug, and the end of it. In contrast I hear from my DH's cousins wife, who lives in another country that SIL was pissed off with me because 1 year ago I did or didn't do something. That is the other thing. You can tell MiL something really private, and them next time you see her she says "My nieces MIL couldn't believe that. They said you should........". It is literally put on some international WhatsApp with 100 people on it. So, we don't tell her private stuff, and we are "secretive".

I suppose I should be glad I am not in the inner circle. However, whenever I see them I am literally depressed for 2 days afterwards and make poor food and drink choices.

Can you limit your interactions with them? I would be letting my husband deal with them, he is your family, not them. I’d let him be the one to visit them, listen to them etc. staying and listening to this from them will erode your self esteem Some families just love drama, they don’t know how to exist without it. Have experienced this myself and honestly shutting myself off from it was the only way to go as it was actually beginning to give me anxiety.

In my family, which isn't perfect, everyone gets along mostly and if you have an issue with someone you wouldl just deal with them directly and in private. Or, they would say "come on, that's pissing me off, stop doing that", then a hug, and the end of it. In contrast I hear from my DH's cousins wife, who lives in another country that SIL was pissed off with me because 1 year ago I did or didn't do something.

Ah good old triangulation. Where there exists triangulation there typically exists a dominant personality who behaves borderline abusively/certainly controlling where everyone else smooths things over so they can rule the roost. Very common dynamic.

Yes Ballantyne, there was a defo a dominant person (MIL, although her sisters seem to be equally dominant). I call her the head of the snake.

When MiL is no longer around, and TBH, she’s really unhealthy and increasingly immobile, the others won’t know what to do with themselves. A few years ago my SIL asserted herself and tried to take over the matriarch role and started bossing DH and I around and we just totally blocked it by ignoring and refusing to engage with her. There was NO way I was signing up for another regime.