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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mother expecting me to support her financially

29 replies

Jammylou · 29/06/2023 13:03

My widowed mom has a spending issue and is now expecting me to subsidise her lifestyle.
She was widowed some 8 years ago and was left approx £75k from my Father's life insurance.
He left no private pension as was self employed and both of them always lived for today and loved spending. When he was alive she had a high disposable amount to do what she wanted. She does have state pension and a small private pension.
After some bills and tax bill from Dads company she was left with about £50k. Within 2 years she had spent the lot so she downsized and received another £50k from the equity.
After 6 years this has now gone.
Me and my sibling have had a very small amount of this like £3k each (this has never bothered us).
Issue now is my mother is very materialistic and likes a good spend.
For years (even when she had all this money) I struggled financially however in the past few years due to promotion at work, kids now self sufficient me and husband are feeling much better off financially. Me and husband have worked hard to get where we are. We are very careful with money and dont spend frivoulously. We aren't rich and still have a mortgage but can enjoy a better life now (meals out, clothes and holidays, weekends away).
Issue is now she seems to resent this and has turned quite nasty over money saying me and sibling should do more to help her. Saying we should pay for her holidays and food. This is what her friends childten do, we are neglectful etc.
I can see without back up savings it is tight for her however she still goes out several times a week. She should and could manage if she was careful.
My feelings are I dont deserve this pressure and whilst I don't mind helping her a little I would have to compromise things we do like going out etc to supplement her lifestyle whilst she does nothing to cut back. Also she is mortgage free, we aren't so we now feel spare money should go towards clearing that.
I also feel, after years of struggling why should I who is careful with money subsidise someone (I know she's my mom) who is never mindful of what she spends or has spent.
I have told her all this but she doesn't take it well and it's causing issues, every few months she picks a fight and I get the whole awful daughter comments.
I have helped with food but then see shes been eating out 3 times so feel annoyed she isnt being careful.
Any advice as to how to handle this. I can't continue with this pressure and frankly causing unhappiness and want to distance myself but still love her at the same time and care for her.
I am not remotely money orientated but feel she has and is being rather unfair.

OP posts:
Azaeleasinbloom · 29/06/2023 13:09

I think you just have to say No mum, we can’t do that. Don’t go into it any further.
As to all her friends - just say, that’s nice, but not relevant.

Does your sibling feel as you do ? Is so maybe agree an approach and stick to it.

Gerrataere · 29/06/2023 13:10

You have a right to say no, you have a right to boundaries. You are not your mother’s keeper. You may love her but she’s being emotionally abusive. Suggest to her that if she’s struggling so badly then you’re happy to contact adult social services to get her assessed but you are sadly not in a position to help her financially or otherwise. You have to be firm, because if she is is truly so spendthrift eventually she’ll lose her home and will expect full time accommodation from you as well.

Original poster
Jammylou · 29/06/2023 13:11

Azaeleasinbloom · 29/06/2023 13:09

I think you just have to say No mum, we can’t do that. Don’t go into it any further.
As to all her friends - just say, that’s nice, but not relevant.

Does your sibling feel as you do ? Is so maybe agree an approach and stick to it.

Hi yes sibling does agree.

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 29/06/2023 13:12

So in summary, she demands you not eat out so that she can eat out? Maybe point it out to her in those terms.

pinguins · 29/06/2023 13:13

Suggest she gets a part time job like every other broke retired person has to. Retirement is a privilege and if you can't afford to live on your pension, you have to go out and earn money like everyone else.

Kikicoconut · 29/06/2023 13:34

I don’t think you should have to give up your hard earned cash. She surely knew that if her spending continued after your dad died and she got older, she’d have nothing left. The fact that other people do this for their parents, if they do, doesn’t mean that you have to. You should give up your own holidays and evenings out to suit her? Yikes. I don’t think so. I know she’s your mom, but she’s being extremely unreasonable. You’ll have to sit her down and explain what she is asking of you. Get her to put herself in your shoes because she sounds a little selfish. Let her know you aren’t rich, you still have a mortgage, how does she know about what other bills you guys might have? Don’t you need your money if anything ever happened to either of you? She needs to see how wrong it is to ask you to do something like this. I do feel for her but I have to say I think she’s stepped over a line with this request.

Pearlsaminga · 29/06/2023 13:37

Just keep saying no you can't and you're not going to, every time she mentions it end the conversation leave the room/ premises/ put the phone down, etc
Just keep shutting her down.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/06/2023 13:42

She will bleed you dry financially if she is allowed so keep on saying no this does not work for me. Make yourself far less available to her going forward also.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/06/2023 13:44

She’s an awful mother for doing this to you. You are not an awful daughter for saying no.

Danikm151 · 29/06/2023 13:45

You live within your means. It’s not your fault if she won’t live within hers!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 29/06/2023 13:48

Tell her you are saving for your retirement so you can afford to live like she does.

I'd just hang up on her when she kicks off. This is not your problem. She is not destitute.

KingTriton · 29/06/2023 13:50

I think you need to tell her that she is living beyond her means and it is not your job to bankroll her.

Her entitlement is quite astonishing.

Pearlsaminga · 29/06/2023 13:56

I hope you can implement some of these strategies @Jammylou and come back to the thread anytime you need a bit of coaching☝️😇

Imogensmumma · 29/06/2023 13:57

She is being very cheeky and rude. However, I’d it possible if her and her husband have always lived a champagne budget that she doesn’t know how to budget? Can you sit down with her and make a budget?

if not , not your problem

uncomfortablydumb53 · 29/06/2023 13:57

I would say a blunt no using the CoL as a very valid reason
Why should you, her daughters subsidise her lifestyle
As a parent of adults myself I just can't imagine what she is thinking
Do not let her guilt trip you

DisforDarkChocolate · 29/06/2023 14:04

From what you say no help would ever be enough to satisfy her.

Happiestathome · 29/06/2023 14:05

Your mum isn’t struggling through no fault of her own, she could make changes and isn’t! In these circumstances i would feel no guilt (or try not to) for not helping or stepping back. I see this situation arising in my own future one day sadly. It’s not nice to have to step back but nor is the position your mum is putting you in. Why should we work hard and make good financial decisions and then feel guilted into helping those who don’t

FictionalCharacter · 29/06/2023 14:15

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/06/2023 13:44

She’s an awful mother for doing this to you. You are not an awful daughter for saying no.

Absolutely. Give her nothing. You’re not rolling in money, you have a mortgage and your priority is securing your and your children’s future, which is what she failed to do herself. People who are financially responsible should not have to subsidise those who are financially reckless, especially when it would be detrimental to their own living standards.
Your parents chose their lifestyle and chose not to save. She has enough to live on, and she’ll have to finally realise that a lavish lifestyle isn’t possible on a modest income.

Original poster
Jammylou · 29/06/2023 14:44

Thank you all for your responses. I absolutely know how unfair this expectation is and won't be giving in to it.

OP posts:
Playyourpart · 29/06/2023 14:46

That’s ludicrous OP. She cut her own cloth.

My DH recently suggested that we may need to save for his parents’ future care needs 😂

Like shit will we be doing any such thing. They retired (perfectly healthy) at 60 to do nothing other than please themselves and go on lovely holidays. Despite having very little in the way of private pension!

They will go into whatever residential home they can afford based on the funds from the sale of their house…which won’t be much.

Olderandolder · 30/07/2023 13:55

Jammylou · 29/06/2023 13:03

My widowed mom has a spending issue and is now expecting me to subsidise her lifestyle.
She was widowed some 8 years ago and was left approx £75k from my Father's life insurance.
He left no private pension as was self employed and both of them always lived for today and loved spending. When he was alive she had a high disposable amount to do what she wanted. She does have state pension and a small private pension.
After some bills and tax bill from Dads company she was left with about £50k. Within 2 years she had spent the lot so she downsized and received another £50k from the equity.
After 6 years this has now gone.
Me and my sibling have had a very small amount of this like £3k each (this has never bothered us).
Issue now is my mother is very materialistic and likes a good spend.
For years (even when she had all this money) I struggled financially however in the past few years due to promotion at work, kids now self sufficient me and husband are feeling much better off financially. Me and husband have worked hard to get where we are. We are very careful with money and dont spend frivoulously. We aren't rich and still have a mortgage but can enjoy a better life now (meals out, clothes and holidays, weekends away).
Issue is now she seems to resent this and has turned quite nasty over money saying me and sibling should do more to help her. Saying we should pay for her holidays and food. This is what her friends childten do, we are neglectful etc.
I can see without back up savings it is tight for her however she still goes out several times a week. She should and could manage if she was careful.
My feelings are I dont deserve this pressure and whilst I don't mind helping her a little I would have to compromise things we do like going out etc to supplement her lifestyle whilst she does nothing to cut back. Also she is mortgage free, we aren't so we now feel spare money should go towards clearing that.
I also feel, after years of struggling why should I who is careful with money subsidise someone (I know she's my mom) who is never mindful of what she spends or has spent.
I have told her all this but she doesn't take it well and it's causing issues, every few months she picks a fight and I get the whole awful daughter comments.
I have helped with food but then see shes been eating out 3 times so feel annoyed she isnt being careful.
Any advice as to how to handle this. I can't continue with this pressure and frankly causing unhappiness and want to distance myself but still love her at the same time and care for her.
I am not remotely money orientated but feel she has and is being rather unfair.

She is a bottomless pit.

For the sake of your DH and your DC, give her nothing. Ever.

Olderandolder · 30/07/2023 13:58

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 29/06/2023 13:48

Tell her you are saving for your retirement so you can afford to live like she does.

I'd just hang up on her when she kicks off. This is not your problem. She is not destitute.

Brilliant comment.

Olderandolder · 30/07/2023 13:59

Playyourpart · 29/06/2023 14:46

That’s ludicrous OP. She cut her own cloth.

My DH recently suggested that we may need to save for his parents’ future care needs 😂

Like shit will we be doing any such thing. They retired (perfectly healthy) at 60 to do nothing other than please themselves and go on lovely holidays. Despite having very little in the way of private pension!

They will go into whatever residential home they can afford based on the funds from the sale of their house…which won’t be much.

Wow. Glad you were able to make him see sense.

Bb234 · 30/07/2023 14:01

I can’t believe she never gave you any money when you were struggling but expects you to do so when she’s struggling…… at completely her own doing as well 😩
tell her no and don’t go back on that, the entitlement is next level on this from your mother

Ohmylovejune · 30/07/2023 14:02

No.

You can offer to help.her budget and see where her money goes but you do not have to fund her lifestyle. If its awkward to.chnage just say your mortgage has gone up given all the interest rate increases.

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