Should I just give up trying to meet someone

[Feelingdeflated1234]

Hi, I’m in my early forties….split up from my last ex BF a couple of years ago. He was cheating on me. I worked on myself, in a good place etc, can’t complain but still remain very much single. I already have a child from a previous marriage so all happy on that front too.
my ex BF got married, big house, baby etc in rapid time, I know I shouldn’t compare but my god for me it’s total slim pickings.
I’ve tried OLD for about 6 months and not had a single date or even many matches! And if I do get a match the chat is truly awful or they don’t even message!
i haven’t even had sex for a year now or even a kiss! (had a FWB a year and a bit ago)
I just can’t keep on with the online dating, it’s just an absolute total waste of time.
I’ve joined gym classes where lots of men go…they are all taken. I work in s heavily male dominated industry….all taken.
is the universe just trying to tell me to give up!???
I know o could just offer myself up for s f*k buddy and I’m sure I could get some sex but the whole point of me ending things with FWB was because I really missed dates and someone actually giving a f*k about me.
a year later….and nothing!!!!
sorry for the rant!!

I'd avoid fuck buddies. Usually they fuck your mind more than anything else. Especially if you're not in the healthiest of places and so may not enforce yo boundaries as strictly. Or, may be vulnerable to developing feelings for anyone who is affectionate (in the beginning).

If anything I'd gravitate more heavily towards forming friendships. Maybe with a side of focusing on hobbies and...getting a pet for companionship?

You could have another 40 years left so 'giving up' is unlikely to be perminant. Why not just leave the tinder running and what will be will be. Come off it at times you aren't feeling up to it.

I think we have a tendency to catastrophise.
It's not like it's an awful thing to be single. And bad dates or occasional loneliness won't kill us. Its OK to feel sad sometimes.

I have looked around at the single men in their 40s, just out of interest in comparison in real life, I am not looking so I can 'interview,' under the radar and no one is any the wiser.

Yep they are almost without exception awful.

The quality improves in the 50s.

I guess decent guys in their 30s/40s find a relationship. The grunts get tossed away.

That said there are some plastic banshee women around as well.

Have you tried classicFM dating site? Or some other site that is a bit more niche?

I say don't give up @Feelingdeflated1234

I do feel I have good boundaries. I remain friends with my FWB but he would never manage to get me in bed again. I stick to my decision even if it means I’ll never have sex again 😂🤯
i just feel after the disaster that was my last relationship I deserve a bit of the nice side of relationships but hey ho can’t have it all.
I agree about the men in their forties bit. All the ones I see online either just want causal or they are 48 or something and say they want kids or don’t know what they want. I guess that’s the joy of being a man and being able to have children at whatever age you like.
the ones like me who don’t want more kids seem to be slim pickings.

I met my OH in my early 40s through OLD.
I met men at the gym, men at work....OLD is the only place I have ever found a partner (other than ExH, who I met when I was young and stupid and desperate)

It depends how much you want to meet a "partner" and how much is wanting new friendships?

OH is about 4 years older than me, so nearing 50 now. They are out there but they're bloody hard to find.
OLD was awful but worth it in the end IMO

I'm in the same boat as you @Feelingdeflated1234 except its been 5 years for me. I don't know why, I've looked, I've not looked, I've been OLD, I've been out with friends, nothing.

I'm attractive, smart, own house etc. There's just nobody there. It's frustrating, no advice sorry!!

@flummingbird same….I look after myself, make an effort with my appearance, house, career etc and nothing!!

Don't give up, these things happen when you really don't expect it. When you're not actively looking it will creep up on you and pleasantly surprise you

It is mostly 'debris' past 40 on OLD in my experience, and unless you're willing to seriously settle and compromise, it is a lot of hard work, for not a lot of return. You can't "will" a relationship, as you've probably realised yourself. Does your family and friends care about you? Does that fill a need of being wanted and needed? I appreciate it's not in a romantic sense but it is still vital and brings a sense of purpose and human connection.

I guess I’ve been reflecting a lot lately. My sons dad (ex husband) remarried quickly and is happy. I’m happy for him and his wife is a lovely person. My ex BF is now married again and seems happy although he did it in the worst way possible by being a total cheat.

I have a really small family and my parents are very old now. I have a few friends but only one or two that are really close, the others sort of come and go. I guess I’m just starting to feel like I’ll be on my own soon albeit I’ll have a child which I am of course very grateful for.
just feel like my forties are my chance to meet someone and the longer it doesn’t happen the more unlikely it will.
ive never been suited to online dating although I have tried. Anyone I’ve ever fancied in the past it’s always been as I get to know someone and online dating feels so forced.
ira just so hard to meet people in real life now.

You may well meet someone. There are decent people out there, you may find that you meet a man in a similar situation in that he's simply given up looking and moved on to living his own life. We have a number of make friends who gave up looking for 'partners' in their late twenties thinking it simply wouldn't happen.

What about speed dating or something more face to face?

I still say don't give up. OLD makes you want to and might not work for you, but there will be opportunities to meet people outside of this. Sometimes, you have to create opportunities but as the saying goes, nothing worth doing is ever easy, at least most of the time.

I think not so much 'give up' as concentrate on something else for a while. Start a new project, learn something new, move to a new place. Give yourself a reframing?

The dating world is very slim pickings for women in their 40s. I've set the thought of any kind of relationship aside and am just living my life. It may happen one day, it may not. I'm good either way.

@Callyem it’s so depressing just how slim pickings it is. I can’t believe I wasted the last of my thirties with a man who ultimately ran off with a twenty something year old 🙈
I should have made such better choices then….my intuition constantly told me there there was something not right when I was with him but I ignored it!!

@frozendaisy you mentioned Classic FM site. Do you know much about it?
I had friends who used it some years ago, a happy ending!
I am looking for a Woman-to-woman section.

Open to suggestions. Here or PM

@frozendaisy hi - I am also casting around at the mo for somewhere to look re meeting a woman…there are various apps that look a bit scary re swingers which sounds like threesomes to me! It’s a minefield…! 😳 A few posts on a Fb group suggested something called Fabswingers but I can’t track it down…..

@Wineoclocksomewhere You are right about scary Apps and 3somes.
Neither am I interested in swapping pics of body parts after 10 mins of chat.
PM me if you would like to chat off thread

@Feelingdeflated1234

What's' OLD? Can anyone tell me? X

OLD is online dating.

OP - I'm not sure what to suggest. I'm in my 50s and in the same boat. The important thing to remember is that the slim pickings situation has nothing to do with you.

I've become content on my own but may try online dating in the future. It's a lottery really. In my 40s I found that a lot of men on dating sites were on the rebound after long term relationships and just wanted something casual.

@frozendaisy Last night I registered on ClassicFM dating site. As Woman seeking Woman. It wasn't just the wine.
Let you know if I get any interest.

I agree. The thing that I find is some guys want a casual relationship after a long term relationship or marriage. Other men say they want a serious committed relationship but really they want a casual relationship with a woman committed to them thinking she's in a serious relationship then 8 months to a year in the guy thinks it's all a bit too serious...
Lots of great guys in their 50s who want sex intimacy and dates which is fine if that's what they say they want trouble is they just don't actually know what they want...

OP I wouldn't give up but I would also think you will probably have to make a few major compromises if you really want a relationship...

Why the hell would anyone do that?

The point of a relationship is to live your best life with someone who is right for you by your side.

If that person isn't what you want then there's no point in a relationship with them. A friendship, sure, but not a relationship.

Can't belive in 2023 we're still telling people to compromise for the sake of a relationship. To accept a certain level of bulllshittery or date men thry don't fancy. Fuck that shit.