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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I can’t argue or have different opinions to my husband without it turning nasty.

73 replies

Vinery · 29/06/2023 10:20

I can’t argue with my husband, I can’t voice a different opinion without him taking it very personally and getting defensive and then getting aggressive.

If he’s annoyed me or if I’m just having a bad day and perhaps I’m nagging or just being snappy etc he becomes really horrible to me. He takes everything so personally when perhaps it’s just me feeling annoyed or tired or had a bad day. He often will bring in arguments from months or years back. I feel like I can’t say anything anymore just in case I upset him. I can’t help sometimes but be annoyed at things. For example his mum was being rude to me and I told him that I wasn’t happy about a comment and he blew up at me for talking about his mum. If I ask him to please cut the grass he’ll bring up something I said 3 years ago he didn’t like so that’s why he won’t cut the grass to help.

Whats going on? I can’t be happy all the time about everything as I have feeling and emotions. Sometimes he or others upset me and I voice it or feel it.

OP posts:
HereForTheFreeLunch · 29/06/2023 12:07

I wouldn't say he's trying to make you a 'better wife'. He is trying to break you into becoming a zombie who always does his bidding.

pointythings · 29/06/2023 12:13

There's a solution. It's called divorce. Get one, they're good.

ZairWazAnOldLady · 29/06/2023 12:17

Just say no and carry on doing what you’re doing. He can either get used to it or leave

DeeCeeCherry · 29/06/2023 12:22

Life is far too short for some people and situations. I wouldn't waste my 1 life with a man like that and I suggest you don't, OP. You won't get a prize for putting up with this bullshit. Divorce him and go live in peace or you'll be back here again next year with another loooong list of how he makes you feel like rubbish. There's no point, is there?

perfectcolourfound · 29/06/2023 12:27

Please get away from this man.

He thinks you exist to service him, to run around after him, to be a domestic appliance, a parent, to look nice and perform 'wifely' duties. He thinks you should be grateful he exists, grateful he goes to work, and that he shouldn't have to do any more than that.

There is no logic or reason to his beliefs. Why on earth does he think you should do more than him? Why does a grown man not make his own packed lunch? Why does he think you should be grateful him simply being there, when he isn't grateful for all you do for him and the children and home?

Being a partnership is just that - you share the load, equally. You both parent. You both look after the home and garden. OK, if one of you does less paid work, you do more of the home / parenting, but at the end of the day you both get the same amount of downtime, the same opportunities to relax or go out and have fun.

Him cutting the grass isn't helping you, because it's his grass as much as it's yours.

He is selfish and lazy, and he doesn't want to pull his weight. So his objective is to punish you for havng perfectly reasonable opinions and making perfectly reasons requests for him to pull his weight (you shouldn't have to ask by the way, you aren't his mum). He hopes that by arguing and getting aggressive and generally punishing you, you will stop argueing with him and take on all the work. And thus he gets the selfish, lazy life he wants.

No decent man would defent their mother being rude to you.
No decent man would expect you to pick up after them and do more than them to keep the home / family going.
No decent man would expect you to be grateful they exist.
No decent man would say noone else would have you.

He isn't a decent man. You would be so much happier away from him.

Hill1991 · 29/06/2023 12:29

He treats you like shit then expects you do do things for him like he's some sort of god NO get a divorce, I've never in my 13 year relationship made his lunch he's a grown ass man that can make his own, you need to tell him it's not the 1950s and you work aswell and take care of the kids, apart from his salary what is he bringing to the table my guess is not a lot

Nclktnntt · 29/06/2023 12:33

Vinery · 29/06/2023 11:06

@Lidlpopdrinker he says I don’t make him feel loved enough because I don’t do enough for him. I don’t see what that has to do with being respectful. He says I’m not like the wives of his friends who gym for their men and make their packed lunch etc. I don’t want to do those things because he treats me so poorly.

So by the same token - he doesn't think you deserve to feel loved? Because he's not doing anything for you is he? Where's your lunch?

You need to leave this relationship OP, he is not a good one. You have the right to be upset, annoyed, angry, happy and sad and no one can take that away from you! You are not his maid, cook, carer or mother, you are his wife - his partner and by the word partner it's a partnership. The fact you work, do everything with the kid(s) and are also EXPECTED to clean up after him and keep the house tidy and make his lunch ... he's in the wrong era! You do not want your children growing up thinking this is normal and what they should be doing for / or expecting of partner! Because they will follow suit.

I really hope you get out of this relationship OP, this is not healthy. Its toxic.

Pinkbonbon · 29/06/2023 12:51

Your partner is an abuser.

He is trying to trap you on a merry go round of 'how do I change me, to fix him'. To keep you stuck looking inwards wondering how you can just get him to understand your needs and then surely, he would change.

It's a trap.
He DOES understand. He just wants you to feel like shit. To break you. Because at best - that gets his needs met as you run around after him and deny your own needs, in the hope of a quiet life. At worst - he gets a sick enjoyment from making you feel like shit (look for the smirk to help confirm this. Eg: when you are upset because he's 'just not getting it' or has just said or done something hurtful).

Either way, he's a bully. Time to go.

Crunchingleaf · 29/06/2023 12:57

My ex was very, very similar OP.

He weighed me down and I feel so much lighter now that I don’t have that dead weight suffocating me.

You only get one life and is this how you want yours to be.

MrsSamR · 29/06/2023 13:02

It sounds like you don't get on and aren't happy together. Simple as that really.

Cinders15 · 29/06/2023 13:33

What do you get from this marriage? Joy? Being valued? Are you happy at all?
You need to think very objectively about what YOU want in life, and how you can make that happen

Vinery · 29/06/2023 14:11

For years I thought I was doing something wrong. But I’ve always felt like I’m being forced to do those things. It’s always felt transactional. Its only lately I’ve just realised I think that he will never just do things because he wants to or because he cares. All I ever hear is that everything we have is because of him which is not true.

OP posts:
Nclktnntt · 29/06/2023 14:14

Vinery · 29/06/2023 14:11

For years I thought I was doing something wrong. But I’ve always felt like I’m being forced to do those things. It’s always felt transactional. Its only lately I’ve just realised I think that he will never just do things because he wants to or because he cares. All I ever hear is that everything we have is because of him which is not true.

Well... is this the future you want? For you and your kids?

Only YOU can change your future.

Maray1967 · 29/06/2023 14:22

There is no way I would put up with this. If my DH left his clothes on the floor and I was fed up of them being there, I’d open his wardrobe door and chuck them in.

No way am I making his packed lunch either.

He’s trying to turn you into a stepford wife.

Dery · 29/06/2023 14:51

@perfectcolourfound has nailed it.

This:

“Please get away from this man.

He thinks you exist to service him, to run around after him, to be a domestic appliance, a parent, to look nice and perform 'wifely' duties. He thinks you should be grateful he exists, grateful he goes to work, and that he shouldn't have to do any more than that.

There is no logic or reason to his beliefs. Why on earth does he think you should do more than him? Why does a grown man not make his own packed lunch? Why does he think you should be grateful him simply being there, when he isn't grateful for all you do for him and the children and home?

Being a partnership is just that - you share the load, equally. You both parent. You both look after the home and garden. OK, if one of you does less paid work, you do more of the home / parenting, but at the end of the day you both get the same amount of downtime, the same opportunities to relax or go out and have fun.

Him cutting the grass isn't helping you, because it's his grass as much as it's yours.

He is selfish and lazy, and he doesn't want to pull his weight. So his objective is to punish you for havng perfectly reasonable opinions and making perfectly reasons requests for him to pull his weight (you shouldn't have to ask by the way, you aren't his mum). He hopes that by arguing and getting aggressive and generally punishing you, you will stop argueing with him and take on all the work. And thus he gets the selfish, lazy life he wants.

No decent man would defent their mother being rude to you.
No decent man would expect you to pick up after them and do more than them to keep the home / family going.
No decent man would expect you to be grateful they exist.
No decent man would say noone else would have you.

He isn't a decent man. You would be so much happier away from him.”

This man is awful and he is abusive. Do you want your children to grow up thinking this is how men should treat women? Because that’s what they’re learning.

IsThePopeCatholic · 29/06/2023 14:56

Get out of this abusive relationship. He’s an arch manipulator and doesn’t love you .

Vinery · 29/06/2023 15:10

@IsThePopeCatholic it doesn’t feel like love.

OP posts:
AuntieJune · 29/06/2023 15:21

Pros of husband:
He earns some money

Cons of husband
He's a lazy piece of shit
He shows you no love
He shouts
He's producing a toxic environment for your kids to grow up in
His mum is rude to you and he lets it happen
He expects you to be a domestic servant
I bet he's not a considerate dreamboat in bed either

Leave him

Hoppinggreen · 29/06/2023 15:28

He attacks so you back off and his lazy arse doesn’t have to do anything.
Get rid asap

Vinery · 29/06/2023 18:28

He only seems happy when we all focused on him, he likes to look important and the centre of attention.

My dad made a joke in front of him last week as he came over and h was washing his car. He took out his phone pretending to take a picture….was joking because he doesn’t usually do anything. He had a massive go at me, safe to say he didn’t see the funny side. He went mad!

OP posts:
Zanina · 29/06/2023 19:23

Hi OP, lots of questions: what would happen if you didn't pick up the clothes or ask him to cut the grass?
Do your family / parents know of his attitude towards you? What is your financial situation if you wanted to leave the marriage? Have you ever recorded his shouting at you? What happens if you shout back / defend yourself

Please don't let him alter your reality. You deserve to be spoken and treated with respect x

Zanina · 29/06/2023 19:33

Also what is he like when you get sick? Is he caring or seems rather put out?

I've come across threads of women describing their men similar to how your partner behaves. It's like the wife is an appliance there to serve and not ask for anything, not allowed emotions, not allowed to get sick, not allowed autonomy or respect. Just smile serve everyone and function perfectly.

CandyLeBonBon · 29/06/2023 19:41

LTB. Not much more to say really.

Clementineorsatsuma · 29/06/2023 19:56

TheAverageJoanne · 29/06/2023 10:22

Why is cutting the grass helping? Is it your job? You're both responsible for running the house. I hate the attitude that it's a woman's job and they should be grateful when men "help".

I said the same a couple of months ago and got truly slated for it!

billy1966 · 29/06/2023 20:14

He's highly abusive and always has been.

Your poor children.

Have you called Women's aid for support and advice?

Tell your family the truth.

Return to work.

Start making plans.

He's vile.

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