I can’t argue or have different opinions to my husband without it turning nasty.

[Vinery]

I can’t argue with my husband, I can’t voice a different opinion without him taking it very personally and getting defensive and then getting aggressive.

If he’s annoyed me or if I’m just having a bad day and perhaps I’m nagging or just being snappy etc he becomes really horrible to me. He takes everything so personally when perhaps it’s just me feeling annoyed or tired or had a bad day. He often will bring in arguments from months or years back. I feel like I can’t say anything anymore just in case I upset him. I can’t help sometimes but be annoyed at things. For example his mum was being rude to me and I told him that I wasn’t happy about a comment and he blew up at me for talking about his mum. If I ask him to please cut the grass he’ll bring up something I said 3 years ago he didn’t like so that’s why he won’t cut the grass to help.

Whats going on? I can’t be happy all the time about everything as I have feeling and emotions. Sometimes he or others upset me and I voice it or feel it.

Why is cutting the grass helping? Is it your job? You're both responsible for running the house. I hate the attitude that it's a woman's job and they should be grateful when men "help".

Who says you're nagging; him or you?
Being snappy is not something I like in a partner either, though I would withdraw and leave them to it rather than snapping back. Obviously it happens from time to time, but there has to be an apology or recognition if you're not being fair because you're tired or whatever.

He, on the other hand, sounds like he does not respect you. Might he have fallen out of love or have his eye on someone else? The rooting through the past sounds as if he's digging for evidence that you're not very nice: like he wants to show that you are unpleasant, not him.

It doesn’t happen often but say I snap because I’m tired of picking up his clothes or because I get fed up that he doesn’t help in the house. Or say something happened at work and I’m a bit down he just gets annoyed that I’m down. He has always been like this. If in the other hand something bad has happened to him he expects lots of sympathy.

Ive got to be able to say how I feel without it getting nasty and without him taking everything so personally. Any small argument he always turns into something massive.

@80s he says I nag because he works hard all week and doesn’t expect to do anything at home. I work less and have children 24/7 but I don’t expect to have to pick his clothes off the floor. He gets angry I don’t make his lunch everyday.

So he's attacking your character to manipulate you into doing all the work without complaint?

@Vinery

Have you pointed out it's not the 1950s anymore?

So

You have to clean up his mess otherwise you face aggression and abuse.

He considers keeping your home clean and tidy your job and if you ask him to contribute you face aggression and abuse.

You aren’t allowed to have an opinion that diverges from his, otherwise you face aggression and abuse.

He allows his family to mistreat you, and if you object you face aggression and abuse.

You aren’t allowed to have normal human moods and emotions, otherwise you face aggression and abuse.

You have to absorb all his behavior, including lack of respect, aggression and abuse, without reacting, otherwise you face more aggression and abuse.

what do you reckon OP?

@Lidlpopdrinker he says I don’t make him feel loved enough because I don’t do enough for him. I don’t see what that has to do with being respectful. He says I’m not like the wives of his friends who gym for their men and make their packed lunch etc. I don’t want to do those things because he treats me so poorly.

Why don't you leave? He sounds vile.

When he attacks your character, is he deliberately targeting weak points of yours; does his tactic work because you worry about being nasty, unloving or lazy, so he can easily make you focus on that rather than on him being lazy, unloving and nasty? If so, try not to get too distracted by his distraction technique.
It honestly sounds like he isn't easily hurt; he just doesn't want to do what you're asking. (Not that you should need to ask, even.)

Does he do any of those things for you? In particular, does he make you feel loved, and I’m not talking about sometimes he’s nice, I mean the constant, solid, consistent love that is supposed to exist in a marriage?

if you make him so unhappy, why hasn’t he left you?

Very manipulative I would just leave
you can’t have a real with someone you can’t discuss these things with

No he doesn’t really do anything to make me feel loved or safe. He says him going to work is how much he loves me. But he would work whether he was with me or not. He often says he puts up with me even when others wouldn’t. He does things like take me out for expensive meals (which I hate and he knows I hate it) he is the one who likes expensive meals. I’d prefer a take away at home or something similar.

All round, he sounds like a dreadful cliche. He thinks the woman’s place is the drudge. He manipulates you so that you won’t feel you can challenge his lazy stance. He is ok with his mum being rude to you. And I bet when he blows up it’s bit frightening and very stressful to hear.
I really don’t like the sound of him. Can you afford to split?

“Puts up with you when others wouldn’t.” What a c.
He is projecting there. What he actually means is you put up with him when others wouldn’t and he wants to keep it that way as it makes life less challenging for him.

@PrinceHaz yes he blows up in my face, often cms away as it scares me.

Here's my advice, don't bother arguing just punch the cunt in the face.
Only joking, actually that's not even funny it would be very dangerous for you, you need to get rid of this cunt asap.
Do it carefully and strategically, he sounds as dumb as a rock it shouldn't be difficult to outsmart him!

Well he’s being ridiculous. What do your friends think of him? What do you do that you like doing?

He's trying to break your spirit, self esteem and MH so you don't have the confidence to leave, or self esteem to want better.

This won't get better, he's emotionally abusing you. Abuse isn't just physical, it is also psychological.

You really should think about leaving him, do you want to be spoken to, and shouted at fo the rest of your life? Is there anywhere safe you can go with the children?

Have a read of this OP: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf It might help you to get rid of this vicious man.

I can’t be someone I’m not. I’ve always said to him to find someone more able to meet his needs as I can’t clearly. He always said he will never do that.

It would take him ages to find a young and/or vulnerable partner and train her up.

How is shouting and ignoring me going to make me want to do more for him? It’s making me further away from wanting to do nice things. Whatever I do doesn’t ever seem to matter or be enough anyway. I’ll never be the type of wife he wants because I do believe you give to receive, it’s a two way street and anyway if I want to do some it will be because I want to. I don’t want to make his lunchbox because I believe he is a grown up, nobody makes mine. I make the children’s. I don’t have that mentality to dote on him, we should be a team.

You're not listening to us, we are telling you what his real motives are and you've got your hands over your ears.

@Pearlsaminga so I’m getting treated so badly as he wants to break me into being a better wife so I become brain dead. No wonder I’m always in trouble.