Boyfriend looking at other women

[lucy542]

Hi I see my boyfriend looking at other women while we’re out and on the telly. When I mention it to him he denies it and says it’s all in my head. I know what I see and I know it’s not all in my head.
it’s come to the point where I dread going anywhere with him.
He has done and said hurtful things that have made me feel insecure about myself and our relationship.
Does anyone else see their boyfriend looking at other women and what do you do when it happens? Xx

My ex bf used to do this constantly. It was awful. Should've have ran at that point tbh. Turned out he couldn't help himself and would message other girls all the time.

Not saying this is the case for you. But I find it incredibly disrespectful. At least do it discreetly🤣

My DP/father to my children hasn't ever. Helps that he doesn't have the best eyesight.

How's the relationship apart from that?

If you dread going anywhere with him, whatever the reason, why wouldn't you just end it?
It doesn't sound a whole lot of fun going out with someone you dread going anywhere with.

Are you not the same poster who was on here a few weeks ago because your boyfriend fancies his friend’s girlfriend and kept telling you how attractive he thinks she is? Wasn’t the general advice on that thread to get rid of him because he’s said other hurtful things too and he’s emotionally abusive?

Honestly op, take it from someone with experience. It’s normal for men to ‘notice’ attractive women but there is a difference between a quick glance and completely ogling the woman up and down. He is a creep! I was dating someone like this and these type of men are the same type of men who follow a load random half naked and attractive women on social media, go on dating apps looking for hookups and they WILL cheat. I have first hand experience of men like this. You are better off getting rid of him. As per your last thread, he is a gaslighter and manipulator and an emotionally abusive man who seems to get kicks out of hurting you!

What are you getting out of being with him?.

How can you be helped here into leaving this man, your accuser and abuser who says it’s all in your head?. It is not all in your head at all. This is who he is and he is not going to change.

Ogling others is not what a respectful person does. Especially not if its making you dread going anywhere with him.

If he's said and done hurtful things that have made you feel insecure, just end it.

Why are you sticking around?

Looking is normal, making it obvious and being rude is not

sounds like a twat so why on earth are you with him?

Hi yes I’m that poster.
I feel really embarrassed tbh and stupid that I’m in a relationship with someone who does things like this to me.

I am financially reliant on him.
we have been together for a long time and have kids together, two with complex needs so I don’t feel it’s easy ending the relationship.
Plus he’s made me feel so low and insecure about myself which also doesn’t make it easy ending the relationship.
It’s the fact I know what I see and he denies it. He’s even told me I need to go to councilling over it.
I know what type of women he fancies because he’s made it obvious to me

I find these ’looking is bormal’ comments weird.
I have no idea what people / kind of looking people are around, so even that would be disrespectful and deal-breaker for me.
Your bf sounds awful.

Crossposted, sorry.
So, if you can’t leave / takes time until you can.
Just emotionally cut him off.
Stop loving him.
His a man who stares at women and gaslights / emotionally abuses you. Do your best not to listen and believe him.
He pays the bills, that’s it.
Don’t have sex with him, does he force you to?

I find these ’looking is bormal’ comments weird.
I have no idea what people / kind of looking people are around, so even that would be disrespectful and deal-breaker for me.
Your bf sounds awful

Why is it weird that people with eyes notice other people? As others have said there is a difference between looking and oggling. Seeing a man/woman and thinking they look good is different to the pervy oggling where some people (especially men) are practically salivating over any woman they might think looks good.

OP's boyfriend sounds awful because he is unkind, makes it clear he's oggling other women, drawing attention to what he fancies in other women and then gaslights the OP who is financially dependent on him.

He told me when he sees someone attractive, he thinks they’re fit and acknowledges he would sleep with them. But what that really means is he thinks in his head he’d shag them. Does every man do this?
It’s been that bad I see women looking back at him sometimes and one time a woman stared back at him and smiled at him while I was there feeling like a right nob head!

Well I don't know or much care what DH is focusing his gaze on when we're in the street or watching TV as I don't monitor it and he doesn't mention it, but I certainly look if a particularly attractive man crosses my field of vision because I'm human. I'd never actually do anything further than adjusting my eyeballs though, because I'm very happily married.

Your partner on the other hand sounds like a dick in so many more ways than looking. That's one thing, but telling you about it, being hurtful and disrespecting you is another. Make a plan to leave OP, or you'll have kids growing up thinking this is a normal relationship and your DD or DIL will be here in 20 years telling us the same tale.

Just dump him. Really, do you need to be feeling like this?!

Why is it weird that people with eyes notice other people?
Cause it’s weird, just mind your business.

As others have said there is a difference between looking and oggling. Seeing a man/woman and thinking they look good is different to the pervy oggling

I don’t think so.
Keep telling yourself that.
And why would anyone need to scan who’s attractive or not, that’s strange. Other peoplw are just out minding their business and there’s you: rating people and staring - oh sorry - ’looking’.
That’s weird.

He doesn’t force himself on me but if I don’t have it he has sulked and he has kept trying till I have gave in. He’s woke me up in the night to have it aswell.

Tgat IS being coercive.
I’m sorry op.

*that is

He’s coercing you into sex, he’s disrespectful to you. Make some plans about how you can leave him op. He’s not a good man

Don’t really know why he wants sex with me tbh, it’s not like he makes me feel like he fancies me.
He goes round everyday thinking he’d have sex with other women but can’t even tell me I look nice once in a while.
I think I just need a rant and get things off my chest because I’m sick of this problem in my relationship.

You are NOT financially reliant on anyone ! We have a welfare state and benefits system that is available to get people in your position of abuse back on your feet. So please don't use that as an excuse to stay with this appalling excuse for a man.

If you DM me I can tell you how much you can expect from UC / housing / child Ben , any PIP/DLA for you and kids plus potential carers allowance for you if kids needs are severe .

There is also help with child care if /when you decide to go to work .

No this isn't normal for men to do this, in answer to your question.

It is fairly normal, as we go about our day, to notice other people ('that's a nice coat / I love her hair / he has nice eyes'). It's a split second, move on, forget about it.

What isn't normal, or OK, is to ogle, perve, look someone up and down, make it obvious you're looking, rate them, assess if you'd like to sleep with them. That is far from OK, and no, most men don't do that. The ones who do don't make good partners.

Your bf is intentionally messing with your head. He denies ever looking at women (when you know he does) at the same time as telling you that he decides if he'd like to sleep with them. He is doing this on purpose. He WANTS you to know he looks at other women. He WANTS you to know he thinks about having sex with them. He WANTS you to feel insecure and de-valued.

Please please please please leave this awful man, who doesn't show you love and affection, but shows you the opposite - disdain, disrespect, and actively seeks to hurt you and diminish you.

The problems in the relationship are much bigger than him looking at other women, and they can't be fixed. He's an emotionally and sexually abusive partner. He doesn't respect you, or any woman for that matter. It sounds like you've become quite desensitised to the abuse and don't realise how bad it is.

Please speak to women's aid.

I’ve ended the relationship numerous times over the years which has resulted in either me telling him to come back (I know I shouldn’t of) or him constantly ringing etc and hanging round outside the house until I speak to him.
He’s told me he can get better than me.

Omg, your relationship is seriously fucked up. You need to get a job, get some money behind you and leave. He's awful, he's done a complete number on you and things will never ever improve.