Boyfriend looking at other women

[lucy542]

Hi I see my boyfriend looking at other women while we’re out and on the telly. When I mention it to him he denies it and says it’s all in my head. I know what I see and I know it’s not all in my head.
it’s come to the point where I dread going anywhere with him.
He has done and said hurtful things that have made me feel insecure about myself and our relationship.
Does anyone else see their boyfriend looking at other women and what do you do when it happens? Xx

Yes I am desensitised to it all. It’s gone on for that long it’s become normal. I know it’s abuse, it’s just I feel like I can’t let go of him. It’s so hard to explain. He has put me down in numerous different ways I’ve started to not like myself.
There is other things he has done but I’m worried to put it on here.
He made it obvious this morning kept looking at a woman in a bikini on telly right in front of me and I said to him “why do you do it? Why? You must do it on purpose.”
Hd said “what do you mean?”
I left the room.
He said I was just looking at the telly coz it’s a kids song.
I said “how did you know I was talking about the telly?”
So therefore he knew he was looking at her and he knew I’d seen him.

i know some things he does is abuse but I didn’t know it was sexual coercion so thanks for pointing that out to me xx

Next time he makes a nasty comment at you just say to him “What is your intention for making that comment, what are you trying to achieve by saying it? ”. If he won’t answer or tries to deflect your question, ask him again and keep asking him the same question until he gives you an answer. It was a piece of advice I learned from someone once and I found that it really does work because you are turning it back on him by making him accountable for his nasty comment and showing him that he is not upsetting you.

it’s just I feel like I can’t let go of him.

Look up trauma bond. It's completely normal in your situation.

He has put me down in numerous different ways I’ve started to not like myself

This was his intent, to break down your self esteem so much so that you feel you deserve the relationship, and so you don't have the confidence to leave.

Isn't it funny how they do that? Treat you like shit, belittle you, make you feel utterly worthless, yet when you try to leave they won't let you go?

It takes a woman on average 7 attempts to leave an abusive partner. They're skilled manipulators and it's very hard to break away completely. You need support. Do you have friends or family you could turn to?

He told me when he sees someone attractive, he thinks they’re fit and acknowledges he would sleep with them.But what that really means is he thinks in his head he’d shag them. Does every man do this?
No, most men don't do this.
He's doing this to be cruel to you.

He's probably hoping you'll pick apart what he says, compare yourself to the various women he's letching after, and that your self esteem will plummet.

Nasty men like this do this because if a woman is confident in herself she will eventually find a way to leave him. If they keep her self esteem at rock bottome she might start believing that she doesn't deserve better.

You do deserve better OP.

IsThereAnEchoInHere
I don't need to keep telling myself anything.
I'm not deluding myself that me/my partner suddenly stops having working eyes as soon as we're in a relationship.

Thanks. I will try this

I know it's easier said than done but you really do need to get rid of this loser. You said you've kicked him out before, so do it again and make sure this is the final time.
He clearly thinks he's God's gift to women, so he won't have any trouble finding someone else then!
You'll be so much better once you're free of this deadbeat.

He tells me all men do and think this.
Thats exactly what I have done… I’ve compared myself to the women and it’s all crushed my confidence, self love and self esteem.

I don’t have friends but I have family who are aware of some of what he does but I can’t tell them everything and they tell me the same as what everyone here has said

No, we don't. He sounds like a deeply unpleasant & insecure man. He belittles you because he knows you could do so much better than him and he's terrified of losing you.

@lucy542

'He tells me all men do this'...

No, they do not. I might notice a pretty woman but I certainly don't stare or ogle, and I have never commented on what I would do to/with them. FFS!

You say you have children OP. Think about what you are showing them.

It won't be easy but doesn't sound like you have it easy now. You can be strong and get rid of this waste of skin and oxygen and have a great life.

A previous poster offered to guide you to what you could be entitled to. Please see what is out there for you, so you don't feel financially dependent on him.

Aim for a better life for you and your children. Good luck.

At an outside cafe I heard a woman once loudly announce to her husband, 'Take your sunglasses off, I can see you staring at all the young women!'

He nearly fell out of his chair!

When he does it when you're out, say very loudly, ' That woman you're staring at, why don't you just ask her if you know her?'

Embarrass the fucker.

These are all targeted, purposeful, intentional tactics that he is using to manipulate you into feeling insecure, unattractive, and as though you are stuck with him.
Go to counselling, but on the condition that he goes too. The counsellor will see straight through him, and you can re build your confidence in the knowledge that someone else can see what he is doing.
He wouldn't bother will all this manipulation if he wasn't deep down terrified of losing you, because he knows contrary to what he tells you; he can't do better. Men like that can't keep a woman for long.
You and your children don't need him. I guarantee you that.

I have done something similar to this when we had been on holiday and he was staring at a woman at the airport who was on our plane coming home and she was staring back and smiling at him, I embarrassed the pair of them in the airport.

I get people find other people attractive. But it’s the staring and when he keeps looking at them numerous times which really upsets and annoys me. Like this morning, woman on the telly in a bikini, he kept looking at the telly to obviously look at her. Right in front of me then when I said something about to him he made an excuse.
He mainly likes 20 odd year old blondes. Opposite to me. Old enough to their dad. I caught him two nights ago kept looking at the telly of a 22 year old in a bikini. I told him he’s disgusting

If your family are telling you the same as what 99% of people on this thread are saying then maybe we're all right and you need to kick him out! I know it's not as black and white as that but really, you do need to get rid and start building your self worth up again.

He won't change.

If your family is supportive, can you stay with them?

Not all men do this, I've been with several men who have passed both the in person and online sleaze tests, other men who do this get binned early on. It's a life of insecurity and you'll keep getting older while he never stops looking at 20 year olds. 🤢

He mainly likes 20 odd year old blondes.Opposite to me. Old enough to their dad. I caught him two nights ago kept looking at the telly of a 22 year old in a bikini. I told him he’s disgusting

Of course he does because him making his feelings known about the attractive 20 year olds is done to make you feel insecure.

This is deliberate. The more he keeps telling you he fancies these women, the more he wants you to doubt yourself and (in his warped fantasy world) realise just how lucky you are to have him when he could (in his delusional world) have his pick of all these 20-somethings.

He's a dickhead.

OP I had the same with my recent ex: saying he fancies his female friends, following znd sharing with me women in bikinis on Instagram but then he says "he's just an open person expressing himself" and I need to see someone as he shouldn't censor who he is. He still insists I'm wrong. It's soul destroying and I still feel like maybe he's right although my head says no. It doesn't get better. Only worse as if you let it slide it does lead to worse things. And the police told me after I left and made a request he's a known abuser.

A dealbreaker? People, houses, cats on walls, cars, trees, it's really normal to look at other things, we are wired for it. Babies are born wired to look at faces. It's not unreasonable in the slightest.

However, there is looking and looking and OP it sounds that either way the looking whichever kind it is, is the least of your relationship woes, which sounds abusive. Get some help in real life, I wish you luck.

We all look at attractive people, what planet are you on?

I look at men who dress nicely or have a nice physique. I look at women who are wearing a stunning outfit or have lovely hair.

Not weird. Every single person looks at others. Are we supposed to bow outlet heads when we see another human being? Look and smile l, case closed.

It's not ok to be staring at other women when you're with your partner though, especially after they pull you up on it. That's just disrespectful.

Do this!

So you walk around with your eyes closed and dont notice attractive people?!

My ex used to do this quite openly in front of me despite me explaining how much it hurt me. Turns out he was cheating. I do believe men who do this are still have theirs eyes open for something or somebody else & don't respect the person they are with