Boundaries and Deal Breakers....

[ALittleBitConfused1]

What are yours, I'm interested.
So I've worked bloody hard on me, my life and getting to a place where I will not tolerate fuckery.
In the past I've been guilty of letting things slide, giving more than I've taken and reacting on emotion and ignoring my gut.
After 6 years of being single and working on this I've reached a point where I think I have firm boundaries and will not budge an inch on deal breakers.
I've started dating again, nothing serious just dipping my toe in and I'm definitely in the happy enough being single to compromise camp. But.....I do miss male company every now and then, so the radar is out there.
Friends say I reject potential matches for minor reasons or feeling that may not be valid, nice way of saying too picky lower the bar to a more reasonable level. I'm not prepared to do that so this isn't a post seeking validation, after having a few days chatting and really clicking with someone I declined a date and cut contact when one of my deal breakers reared its head today so I'm genuinely interested as to what you will not tolerate and what your deal breakers are (I'm not talking has to earn 50k plus).....

This is interesting. Don't think I have much to add as I haven't really worked out my own boundaries but need to, but I'm so impressed with your strength of character coming through.
Would love to know what your boundaries are?

My big deal breaker would be if he made me feel bad about myself (when I was being objectively reasonable, not if I was being a pain) or if he treated other people badly.

My other would be if he was divorced or had kids.

I'm married.

Deal breakers for me are no ambition, bad with money and doesn't own his own house or car. This makes me sound very materialistic, but I'm not dating a man to take care of me these are just things that signal a man is solid and responsible. (I'm dating me. In their 40/50) After an awful failed relationship where I ignored these big red flags it came back to bite me on the arse when I fell pregnant. My ex didn't want to step up and take financial responsibility (I was taking care of my half of stuff) and ended up in debt and with a drinking problem.

If it affects your peace of mind, it's not worth it, that's my main boundary with people in general.

I think you should be really proud of having strong and firm boundaries.

Too many women accept anything for the sake of being in a relationship - seen daily on here.

So tonight's one was 4 months out of a relationship. He said it was over a while before and they had no kids but they had been together 5 years so it was a complete no go for me. I wont even think about starting something with someone who has walked out of a reasonably long relationship such a short time ago. Some would say unreasonable and I know each situation is different but I've literally been to hell and back to create a sense of peace and a happy life I dont want to risk that on something that could be avoided.

Mine are all about his behaviour towards me and others. I won’t tolerate:

• Being stood up or cancelled on (the explanations / excuses I will accept are limited and almost nothing in the first 6 months)
• My date showing up late
• Shit sex
• My date speaking to me unkindly or disrespectfully (or speaking to anyone else like that)
• Heavy drinkers
• People with complicated situations (crazy exes for example)
• Patronising arseholes
• Guys who are cheap (I pay my half but I don’t want to subsidise some cheap guy who “forgets” his wallet)
• Any hint of the guy seeing someone else - I am not asking questions or listening to excuses…. If there’s a hint of a dating app still being used then I’m out of here
• Guys who don’t like my dog

Basically I am not interested in excuses, compromises or my having to settle for any measure of bad behaviour. I am straight up and totally genuine with my dates and I expect the same back and wont tolerate less.

5 years isn’t that long, and relationships can be over a long time before they end, so I must say I kind of agree with your friends here, though I appreciate that isn’t what you were asking!

For me, it’s anything that feels like a put down, even if offered as a ‘joke’.

...oh god yes, shit sex. Forgot that one!

Also dating here, I feel I'm quite brutal at times and worry I could potentially write off a good person but my view is I don't want to risk too much investment in somebody too long.
How they communicate can be a deal breaker, too little, I lose interest or too much, I feel suffocated.

Do they have the same amount of time to date, as I do. Life, work, kids needs to sync.

If they left the ex when kids were very young, must have a good career and a place to live, not of no fixed address, living with parents or HMO tenant all of which I've come across too frequently and surprising of middle aged men.

Too much sex chat and very little planning dates, obvious what they just want

I wouldn't see being out of a relationship for a few months necessarily a deal breaker but if he seemed too bitter, dwelling on the past then it would be. It's important they seem in a healthy mind set and positive for a new relationship.

@SpringleDingle your list should be a mandatory dating boundaries list for everyone.

I have high standards on how I’m treated which is probably why I’m single!) but at the same time quite easy going in everyday life. My deal breakers are…

someone with no sense of humour
got to have own mind & beliefs
confident but not arrogant
isn’t desperate just to be in just any relationship
No pervs
must be kind to animals & want pets
Absolutely no conspiracy theorists
Not PC or offended
kind with good morals
has a job but isn’t obsessed with it
Can accept others pov & have a healthy & respectful debate

1. If you’re just out of a relationship then no.
3. 2. If you’re a flake, then no.
4. 3. Tell me your ex is a psycho and I’ll tell you to do one.
5. 4. I’ll only tell you where a boundary is once.
6. 5. If you start messaging me sex stuff before we’ve got to it in person, then you’ll be told to f off.
7. 6. If you’re a crap kiss or a crap shag, the door is there, don’t let it hit your backside on the way out.

I have been single for three years and have no particular desire not to be.

How the hell does MN balls up the numbering like that? I did it all neatly.

here are my 3:
Must be kind
With a job
And doesn't dress up in women's clothes 😁

Deal breakers for.me would be the absence of any of the following, in no particular order: kind, honest, reliable, shows initiative, considerate, practical, good sense of humour, resilient, solid perspective, common sense, trustworthy, balanced, self-assured, appreciative of Life.

They have to be:
Kind
Generous
Gentle
Steadfast
Smart
Have interests outside of their job
Confident

So the opposite if any of that and it's going nowhere.

I feel a lot of people here listing what they are looking for and not boundaries which are not the same thing.

Often to become aware of a boundary somebody has to cross it. For example dating a man who doesn't have a sense of humor or doesn't own his own home isn't a sign that you have low self respect, perhaps that you have compromised but certainly doesn't reflect badly on you.
Where as dating a man who you know isn't serious about you, in the hope that he will stop stringing you along, is obviously letting somebody trample all over your boundaries.

This is why they are harder to pinpoint and easier for somebody to cross, we often might not know something is even a boundary we have until we encounter somebody who tries to cross it. A few examples from me: I started seeing somebody (a couple of dates only and I'm a slow burn so nothing physical had happened.) He told me that he actually once had a fling with his housemate. I immediately called things off and told him I wasn't comfortable with that. I didn't want to get tied up in a situation where I could end up jealous or anxious, i didnt want to give it that much headspace.
Another tried quite early on to tell me what he liked and didn't like with regards to all kinds of things I did, including what I was wearing. I ended it because I wasn't about to adjust in any way and although it was only in passing comment (sometimes compliments eg 'I love it when you wear that dress') I didn't have time to waste on somebody who thought they could encourage me to behave and dress a certain way.
Too much teasing. I don't mind being poked fun at and I'm generally not very self serious but I'm not sure if it was negging or just misplaced 'banter' but found the jokes too much. They eventually made me self conscious and less care free so I didn't spend time with that person any more.

I guess what I'm saying is boundaries are about self respect some are more subtle than others, the ones I've listed are pretty obvious but most men test boundaries early on in one way or another. If something you don't like, for any reason at all, is happening, then either speak up or end it. Good boundaries let you make that decision without feeling bad, thinking he wasn't that bad he could be doing worse, or putting up with it hoping he will change. Smiling your way through something that makes you comfortable because you have been told to be polite is a sigh of weak boundaries. Lots of women also struggle with saying how they really feel, if it upsets you or gets to you then you don't need to hide it, you are allowed to say something, even if it seems impolite, even if it might make them think you're less cool/fun etc. You're not desperate so tell them. Women who vocalise their boundaries are less likely to have them crossed, if you tell and man and he still doesn't listen then of course you bin him.

I’m not interested in mothering a man. So any sign of deliberate helplessness, I’m out.
‘You know what I’m/men are like’ falls in the same category.
Misogynistic behaviour. Even if it’s ‘just banter’.
No is a complete sentence, and the second he tries to force the issue or ignore my ‘no’, we’re done.
Coercive behaviour/mindfuck, as in: he’s cheesed off at something and goes all cold/disappears for a while. Sulking.
Inability to say sorry/listen/have a conversation.
Trying to move in with me.

This is a great way to look at it and sums up my recent breakup which has caused me no end of mental anguish. Coming out of my second marriage where there were huge trust issues (not something I had ever experienced) it has been a total head fuck. I have had no inner peace with him since the start and for some reason I did not walk away sooner. Six years on and my mind is battered, it was toxic and I became toxic which I am not proud of. Therefore if I ever (highly unlikely) get into another relationship this will be the main boundary - peace of mind.

This.

Specific boundaries might, as someone else said, not become apparent until someone crosses them. But once someone has disrupted my peace of mind it's over.

Really good advice

Messing about/game playing with meetings- he should be excited to seen me, dammit!
Any use of porn or sex workers.
Any resistance to using a condom.
Mad ex-girlfriend.
Suspiciously low contact with any children.
Any caginess about job or family.
No friends.
Not being able to cook.
Bad personal hygiene or manners.

I think about this a lot and listen to the song Loves Way by Sevdaliza. There is a part at the end where she samples a preacher. If you take out the religious aspect (if it doesn’t suit you!), it’s a strong call to women to maintain high expectations. I listen to regularly and really value the message.

‘No woman is getting in the right situation with a man who already tells her, by his actions, that whatever I wanna do with you and whenever I wanna do it, you will have no say, not even over your own body. What goes wrong with us is, for whatever reason, we begin with compromise. Because only God can give you proper compatibility. Since He knows you better than anybody else and you can find His giving gifts, the first thing you have to do is not compromise. Now, I'm gonna go real wild on this one. In order for you to get what God would've had you to have, you have to be prepared not to have anything at all. I might be a little crazy, y'know, but your mindset has to be, if you don't give it, I don't want it. That's what your mindset has to be, you have to be prepared to hold out. So now psychologically, you have to understand that many of us in here are not by ourselves, because we have to be. Neither are you by yourself, because you're below standard. Some folk are by themselves, because they are special. And ain't nobody measured up! And you gotta quit going down. Oh, I wish I could talk to ya. And let's all come up! I'm up here, and I ain't going down there. I've been through too much hell to get up here. And I sure ain't going back down there! Hmm...’ https://lyricstranslate.com/en/sevdaliza-loves-way-lyrics.html

My main boundary is respect. If anyone doesn't respect me then they are gone. Being respected by someone covers most issues on how they treat me. I also don't tolerate anyone who makes me feel threatened or frightened during an argument.