What do you expect from your partner in a relationship?

[lavenderandlemon]

I've only ever had shitty/abusive relationships previously, up until now when I have got a decent partner at last! The trouble is, I have no idea of what is normal or reasonable in a good relationship. He's obviously not perfect, because no one is, and we have some small disagreements, which I think is normal? But I often find myself questioning if my expectations are too high or too low, or if I'm just used to the abusive cycle and don't know if things are okay when they're just maybe...normal?

So, for those of you in good relationships, what are the things that are normal to expect from your relationship and your partner? I know everyone is different but it would be good to hear about "normal" relationships!

Don’t ask me !…. I’m in the calm stage …. He’s blown his top and is now being amazing in every way…. Give it another month and he will be exhausted and it will all kick off again. It’s not physical…. But he either seems able to be emotionally avaliable or no where near it …. Supportive with the kids …. Or no where near it ….. slightly romantic …. Then no where near it ….. don’t know why I stay tbh

@Tojumpasinkingship Yeah, I know how that feels! Means I have no clue what a relationship should be like really. But, take it from me, far better being on your own that going through that all the time!

Mutual respect, small acts of kindness like making you a coffee first thing, open conversations. A general sense of calm. There will always be the odd disagreement or grumpiness but overall it’s calm, no real drama :)

@Lesina I think it's the general sense of calm that's throwing me a bit - not what I'm used to!

Like a best friend I have sex with. We argue but there's always love, kindness and respect.

@crossstitchingnana that sounds like an amazing relationship!

No dramas. No threat of violence. No violence. Kindness. A voice of reason when everything is going wrong and someone you can rely on when the chips are down.

Respect
Listening
Valuing your thoughts and opinions
Shared decision making

Yes of course all couples have disagreements (and sometimes the odd shouty argument). But it should be able to be resolved quite quickly without lasting unpleasantness.

No drama is it for me too really. He’s always in my corner, so to speak, there for me emotionally, it’s a given he’ll support, respect and trust me and me him. He’s also kind to me in lovely everyday ways, he’s very funny and also great in bed, v important.

I agree with the respect - DH & I went through an awful patch a few years back where he was being emotionally abusive & the last thing I felt was respected. Now we are in a totally different place. We still have arguments ( mainly because we are under a huge amount of stress with DD14) but we talk about it afterwards & DH will apologise sincerely if he was in the wrong. We really enjoy each other’s company & I can’t say I have ever been bored. Laughter is a huge part of what makes our relationship a good one. DH makes me laugh every day. We talk about the serious stuff & listen to each other properly ( well most of the time with DH!) We do little things for each other, even if it’s something as simple as a cuppa in bed, and we have each other’s back. DH has been brilliant whilst I’ve been going through a long stretch of ill health. Again he’s not perfect & he has told me that it’s sometimes very tough for him & he loses patience but I absolutely know that he will look after me.

My DH is wonderful to me. He brings me a cup of tea in bed every day. When my feet ache he fills up our foot spa and brings it across to me with a towel. If he's out shopping he will often bring me back a bunch of flowers or some Maltesers just because he knows it will make me smile. He always has my back and backs me up if children are being difficult. He listens to me when I chat to him. He finds time for me even if I'm feeling down even when he is really busy. He puts me first every time. He makes me feel cherished and special and when it's cold and icy and I have to drive DC to college he clears my car windscreen for me and makes me a hot coffee to go too. He's just generally very considerate towards me. It's the little things that matter the most. If I say 'oh no I've left my phone upstairs' he will offer to pop up and fetch it for me. He does more than half around the house because I do the majority of driving SN teen 39 miles each morning to college then 39 miles back then repeat again in afternoon. He drives on long journeys at weekends. And he makes the most amazing home made pizza whenever I ask him with my favourite goats cheese. He buys me thoughtful and lovely gifts too for my birthday and Xmas including a little stocking and always takes me out to a nice restaurant or weekend break away in UK if birthday ends in a 5 or an overseas break if it ends in an 0. He never shouts at me or talks down to me and if I want something he will do.his up most to accommodate it. He shows he loves me everyday in so many ways. I'm very appreciative of him because my first h was a shit and made me feel crap most of the time. I made very sure I picked a good one the second time.

Aww these sound so lovely!

@caringcarer I also picked an absolute shocker first time round, so want to make sure I get it right this time.

Take your time and look at little details about how he treats you.

Everything others have said about respect and kindness, and also - assuming the best of each other. We both make mistakes, both forget to do things we’ve promised to do, but it’s because we’re tired and busy and not because we’re crap partners.

So on a similar note, feeling like you can say anything with no risk of cold shoulder/sulking.

We had an old (single) friend stay for the weekend recently and she remarked on how we never sniped at each other, never tried to get one up on each other. I think it’s all part of the same thing.

Respect and stability. He’s a very calming, methodical and logical person and I’m more emotionally led but get stuff done. We’re very different but our strengths & weaknesses are beautifully balanced as a couple.

I also feel totally safe in his company. I can be myself without fear of rejection. He loves me in the good & loves me during the bad exactly the same.

Respect, working as a team, wanting to spend time together and calmness. Some things drive me batty about him (like his inability to just do the washing up straight away) but we have lived together for 13 years.
Small little acts of kindness or love not big over the top things like making me a coffee in the morning or playing with the kids and telling me to go relax in the bath etc.

The little things that they do to show they care but also accepting that the relationship will change over time and even the nice ones still need a nudge in the right direction to be more attentive etc at times but that they are always kind, apologise or make amends where necessary, do little things to make your life easier and generally put you before other things (still phone, football and golf addicts at times though!)

Respect, no drama, kindness, practical support, shared values, no arguing about money or 'who pays for what' etc ... but also space ... I don't expect to provide 'everything' for my DH ... it is not my role to provide his social life or spend all my free time with him ... we give each other plenty of space ... couldn't bear a needy or controlling DH.

Friendship
The ability to talk and listen without arguing
The want to understand
The desire to do half the physical stuff (housework) or at least the inclination to take responsibility for the place
Respect
To know when one another just needs to be alone/a hug

Overall, understanding that while you are a couple, you are still two entirely seperate people with different wants/needs/thoughts etc

With my husband there is no drama and a sense of calm. I am fiery and if we do have a row, then we argue respectfully (99% of the time)

We have shared values, both put our family unit above ourselves and have shared finances.

If I needed him (or if a member of my extended family needed him) he'd be there like a shot, no questions asked.

No drama
No games
No jealousy
Respect
Consideration
Kindness
Truthful
Basic hygiene
Keeping promises
Monogamous
No significant secrets
Treat me as an equal
Not joined at the hip or suffocating - we both still need to have our own life & do this separately too
The ability to disagree with me without it being an argument, insulting or voilent
The ability to compromise
Same sexual appetite & not selfish in bed
A willingness to join me at something which is important to me, even if they would rather be anywhere else - like a family wedding or a work event where partners are invited
Addiction free
No drug use
Financially sensible

Nothing I wouldn't provide in return

This is exactly it …… is it just me or os it impossible to find ?

Always pulling in the same direction. Making up for each others flaws. Kindness. Humour. Making each other drinks even if it's a bore. Waiting for each other. Patience. Supporting each other to do well professionally. Not assuming the other is going to do teencare.

Respect for me (showing up on time, speaking to me kindly, picking up after himself)…
Friendship
Fun times
Good sex
Affection
No drama
An interest in what I’m doing / my issues / my successes
Sharing his issues / successes
Kindness towards my dog and eventually my
kid
Bejng on the same page about life plans (no more kids, living together only after kid I do have leaves home)
Pays his way
Being reliable

@RabbitsRock
I agree with the respect - DH & I went through an awful patch a few years back where he was being emotionally abusive & the last thing I felt was respected. Now we are in a totally different place. We still have arguments ( mainly because we are under a huge amount of stress with DD14) but we talk about it afterwards & DH will apologise sincerely if he was in the wrong. We really enjoy each other’s company & I can’t say I have ever been bored. Laughter is a huge part of what makes our relationship a good one. DH makes me laugh every day. We talk about the serious stuff & listen to each other properly ( well most of the time with DH!) We do little things for each other, even if it’s something as simple as a cuppa in bed, and we have each other’s back. DH has been brilliant whilst I’ve been going through a long stretch of ill health. Again he’s not perfect & he has told me that it’s sometimes very tough for him & he loses patience but I absolutely know that he will look after me.

I like your honesty. No relationship is ever perfect and anyone who says they never argue is something of a liar or a fantastistI