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Original poster

Anxiety over dating situation

26 replies

anxiousmessy · 28/06/2023 15:07

Both in early 40's and dating exclusively for 9 weeks, first few weeks lots of dates then settled into meeting in evenings when kids are in bed or odd lunch time when there at school.
He is a full time single parent with no breaks and also works, just started (2 weeks ago) a new job full time (on probation) and also does a full time contractor role so it's pretty hectic

I began to get worried it was just becoming a casual sex thing as we haven't managed to get out on a date for 4 weeks (though seen him twice a week when kids are asleep) snd on Saturday I basically texted him saying your not interested are you, it's just casual easy sex for you.... he responded straight away saying he is interested but at the moment he just doesn't physically have the time to go out and he is stressed and exhausted and wants to see me but can only offer minimal time at moment due to everything going on

Now I understand he's really busy and I don't mind carrying on whilst things get better (contract will be ending in month) but I'm still struggling with anxiety that this is just going to be for sex and never change

We have regular daily contact, he messages every morning, checks in during day and days goodnight etc

Surely me calling him out on Saturday gave him the perfect opening to end it if he wanted? We have seen each other twice since Saturday

OP posts:
Vegandiva · 28/06/2023 15:09

If you’re not happy then why don’t you just end it though? It doesn’t sound like he would have much time even once his second job ends.

Lesssugarketchup · 28/06/2023 15:09

Cut him some slack OP!

Do you work? Have a social life outside of him?

Greengrassoh · 28/06/2023 15:20

It’s 9 weeks in and you’re not going out on dates any more? This is not going to get magically better once he has more time!

Original poster
anxiousmessy · 28/06/2023 15:32

I can't go into massive detail here as it's outing but there has been alot that's haloed in his children's life in the past year resulting in him now being the only parent and also no family support as in different country

I'm happy to cut some slack I understand his position better than anyone as my situation was very similar once upon a time but my children are older now

It's the anxiety I'm suffering with that's stressing me out, everything is great between us, contact Is great and consistent since day one, great when were together but it's just this jiggle that keeps saying im just a casual lay

OP posts:
honeyandfizz · 28/06/2023 15:36

He can't give you the relationship you want right now (for good reason) and it sounds like for the foreseeable future so best to walk away rather than feel all this anxiety so early on.

Lesssugarketchup · 28/06/2023 15:37

The man has through through hell
Full time single parent
New full time job

And now his new girlfriend is hassling him

Lesssugarketchup · 28/06/2023 15:38

Who looks after his younger children when he comes over to you?

WhamBamThankU · 28/06/2023 15:39

It doesn't sound like he's not seeing you because he doesn't want to. It's up to you to weigh up if the anxiety for a while is worth waiting for a more regular relationship.

iamnottoofatiamjusttooshort · 28/06/2023 17:12

You do realise you don't have to have sex in these few times you manage to get together ?
If you don't want to I mean
If you worried it's just casual sex then take the sex of the table
Spend time together watching a film, cooking , baking , chatting
See how long he sticks around ?

80s · 28/06/2023 17:26

It just sounds like he's really busy. But obviously if you want someone with more time then there's nothing stopping you from ending it.

FlowerBath · 28/06/2023 17:37

He doesn't have the time now or for the foreseeable to date you like you want to be dating. It sounds really dull and he should just focus on his work and kids without dating as he doesn't have the time.

FlowerBath · 28/06/2023 17:39

iamnottoofatiamjusttooshort · 28/06/2023 17:12

You do realise you don't have to have sex in these few times you manage to get together ?
If you don't want to I mean
If you worried it's just casual sex then take the sex of the table
Spend time together watching a film, cooking , baking , chatting
See how long he sticks around ?

What are the odds he could manage finding the time to take her out before the sex and since the sex he's got in his regular nice cheap lay routine. She comes to his she might even cook, pay for take away or wash up dishes and then has sex with him too before leaving.
I don't think you can stop sex now the Genie is out of the bottle.

Lesssugarketchup · 28/06/2023 17:40

FlowerBath · 28/06/2023 17:39

What are the odds he could manage finding the time to take her out before the sex and since the sex he's got in his regular nice cheap lay routine. She comes to his she might even cook, pay for take away or wash up dishes and then has sex with him too before leaving.
I don't think you can stop sex now the Genie is out of the bottle.

Show quote history

He started a full time full on new job… 2 weeks ago

Watchkeys · 28/06/2023 17:40

Lesssugarketchup · 28/06/2023 15:37

The man has through through hell
Full time single parent
New full time job

And now his new girlfriend is hassling him

It's not hassling someone to want a different relationship from the one that they offer.

OP, if he's not giving you what you want, leave. Don't stay for what he might turn out to be in the future. He is not the man who makes you happy right now. Find the man who is, or, better, make yourself happy.

DollyTheFluffyOne · 28/06/2023 17:40

It's not the kind of thing to text about - you need to speak to him properly. Personally i think you are overthinking it all but how many and how old are the children?

cassiatwenty · 28/06/2023 17:42

Watchkeys · 28/06/2023 17:40

It's not hassling someone to want a different relationship from the one that they offer.

OP, if he's not giving you what you want, leave. Don't stay for what he might turn out to be in the future. He is not the man who makes you happy right now. Find the man who is, or, better, make yourself happy.

Show quote history

👋👋 @Watchkeys gives good advice

Watchkeys · 28/06/2023 17:43

@FlowerBath

I don't think you can stop sex now the Genie is out of the bottle

What?! Why would anybody not be able to stop sex in a healthy relationship? Understandably, if you wanted to stop permanently it might cause problems, but if 'I don't want to have sex today' is an issue, then you'd be well advised to run away very fast.

iamnottoofatiamjusttooshort · 28/06/2023 17:48

Of course you can say " I'm concerned our time together revolves around sex and I'd like more than that "
If that's doesn't change then off he goes

Next !!!!

cassiatwenty · 28/06/2023 17:59

iamnottoofatiamjusttooshort · 28/06/2023 17:48

Of course you can say " I'm concerned our time together revolves around sex and I'd like more than that "
If that's doesn't change then off he goes

Next !!!!

Thank u next

samestyle · 28/06/2023 18:07

It's not going to change so if this isn't for you, you have to find someone that can give you the time you need.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 28/06/2023 18:27

I’m not seeing any 🚩
bit a very busy single dad

id day either end it - or accomodate to his situation? As work and kids are time consuming

Nanny0gg · 28/06/2023 18:37

FlowerBath · 28/06/2023 17:39

What are the odds he could manage finding the time to take her out before the sex and since the sex he's got in his regular nice cheap lay routine. She comes to his she might even cook, pay for take away or wash up dishes and then has sex with him too before leaving.
I don't think you can stop sex now the Genie is out of the bottle.

Show quote history

Doesn't have to be every time tho does it?

And what if the kids wake up?

Original poster
anxiousmessy · 28/06/2023 21:20

Totally understand his situation and no issues just meeting at his sometimes my worries have come from how it's ended up that we only meet at his late at night and that been since we started sleeping together, not one date since

I'm being cautious as I really like him

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 28/06/2023 21:55

It’s so hard

sometimes dating makes us anxious
my ex certainly did !
so it’s early days and and see how you go

Watchkeys · 28/06/2023 22:16

Tell him you think you've started having sex a bit too soon, and you want to pull back for a bit, spend time getting to know each other. That's the truth, isn't it?