It's not the mental load in itself, it's the bits that go with it

[MsMarch]

I have come to realise recently that we tend to talk about the mental load as being the organising and planning and thinking and noticing and it absolutely is all of that.

But the bit that I'm finding the most frustrating is the need to accommodate and bring Dh along. To think about what he's doing and how to fit that into whatever I'm thinking about and then, and this is the most annoying part, to COMMUNICATE.

Case in point - every year DD's school has a day in summer where parents are invited to come after school and look at the classrooms etc. Any children who have been part of performance clubs over the year get a chance to do their performance, often for parents/grandparents who weren't able to attend the original due to numbers or whatever. DH has done this event at least 6 times. He gets all the same communication from the school that I do. He has the same conversations with DD and her performance that I do. He does school run 7 out of the 10 runs we do a week. And yet, I've just had to talk him through what is needed, what he will have to do, the timing etc.

I just want to scream.

I always find these sorts of posts baffling. Have you said all of the above to your DH? If so, what was his response? If not, then why not?

And yet, I've just had to talk him through what is needed, what he will have to do, the timing etc.

Why? He has had the same letter as you, giving the info "performance on X date at Y time".
Does he not read the letters? Or does he read them but do nothing with the info eg make no plans to not be working at the time?
What do you mean you have to tell him what to do - it's a performance, so he watches?
I can't imagine this conversation.

What would happen if you didn’t do that?

Does he genuinely not know? Or is he just one of those people who likes to triple check arrangements/discuss every detail?

Why have you though? Say look at the letter, we got it via email. What time does it start? You'd better check the letter. What does DD need to bring? That'll be on the letter too. He will soon catch you drift. My DH does this without cooking this - how long do I cook this for? It'll be on the packet. What temperature? It'll be on the packet.

I hear you, OP. The only way it will change though is if you change it: when he asks questions or professes, you can:

Shrug
”Dunno.”
”I think that’s in the email but I don’t know.”
”Isn’t that info in the email you received?”
”What do you think?”

It doesn’t matter if you know the answer, you’re not his Google. You’re not his PA. You’re not the office manager. If he fails to remember PE kit/forgets cash for the entry fee for the child’s thing/is late to the thing/whatever it is, let it impact him. I’ll guess you want your child not to be let down and impacted, so you rescue DH a lot to ensure that doesn’t happen, but that perpetuates the cycle. Let DH let them down, and let him sit with that feeling. Don’t enable him.

Op that isn’t the mental load

Thats a bit of a shit husband and a frustrated but also martyrish wife

And yet, I've just had to talk him through what is needed, what he will have to do, the timing etc.

how sounds a bit… thick. Profoundly unattractive. Unless there’s a drip feed that he has learning difficulties?

What will have “to do”

other than just rock up

What did you talk him through?? I wouldn’t. Year two, I would be: ‘same as last year, I guess I’ll see you there if you can read your email and work it all out.’
But it wouldn’t happen here. Lots of issues with the mental load yes, although re the dc anyway they are improving!

I suspect you made it a thing by telling him “what he needs to do” (what?!) and whatever the heck “etc” includes.

He's being deliberately obtuse and you're being a martyr.

He used to do this. Luckily I knocked it on the head before DD was born or it would be driving me crazy with all the emails from nursery - I can imagine your pain. I cured it by reference to "my magic uterus"

What time is event? (He's standing next to noticeboard with invite on)
Dunno, let me check with my magic uterus
What should I wear?
Ah too bad you don't have a magic uterus, then you'd know the dress code
Where are my car keys?
(Strides into the room, waves pelvis around) I'm looking for them now! Come on uterus! Find those keys!

Felt like I was being mean but then I realised every time he asked me about some pointless shit he should already know he was saying "I'm too important to bother about this. Let's dump it all on little mummy wifey coffeepott". Other lines used in anger may have been "ask your fucking house elf, not me"

I am helpful in genuine emergencies, honest 😅

My DH is like this. It's taken me 15 years to work out that he probably has ADHD, but since he ignores this too, it's not my problem. I've allocated certain activities that are now entirely his to manage, deal with all the school stuff myself and only mention events he needs to attend in passing on Sunday evenings when I plan the week on a paper planner that I leave in the kitchen. If he doesn't attend (mostly he doesn't) that's then on him. I don't make excuses for him or chase things up with him any more.

It was frustrating for a while when the activity questions still got punted over to me, but I channelled innner DH and shrugged, then forgot about it. Surprsingly liberating!

To answer some of the questions, even the ones that are unnecessarily aggressive (“martyish wife” seems a bit harsh, I must say).

I will start by saying that one of the things I think happens with the mental load and other issues that land up with women being lumped with all the crap, is that we’re all programmed this way AND if often starts small and we don’t even notice it until one day we wake up and go, “hang on, how did we get here!?”

Over the years, as I've realised the patterns we were slipping into, I have had these conversations with DH. And he IS one of the good ones so has made efforts to change and take on more. But this one re communicating and explaining things to him is one I hadn't even noticed was happening or that it shouldn't be happening. Hence posting on here when I realised.

But for those asking if I’d said anything, yes, I did. Before I posted on MN! I pointed out exactly what was in my OP - he has done this before, he has had the comms, he has talked to DD. It’s not up to me to explain it to him.

In terms of what happens if if I didn’t do it: excellent question.And I suspect like with all issues to do with the mental load, the answer is that it would not be done. But the people who are affected are NOT the person not doing it - it’s the DC or me who are impacted. Which is why so often these things continue to land with women.

@headcheffer - not possible in this situation but yes, I have employed that tactic in the past to moderately good effect. Most notably when it comes to diary management!

For those thinking it’s a bit ridiculous for a minor school event - fair point usually. Except we had an odd logistics issue over here to do with his DS’ return from school and no keys and frail MIL wanting to attend … hence the need for a discussion. I didn’t mind the discussion. I minded that I had to explain how the event worked so we could then agree what would happen.

@coffeepott - I really really love “magic uterus”. Must work that in next time

@version4needsabitofwork Actually, I am starting to realise that DH probably does have ADHD or some similar issue (executive function is definitely a thing for him) and we’re going through assessment process for DS. But it’s not a reason to be shite!

My DH can be lazy like this and want me to explain things he could perfectly well work out himself. I guess you could try just not helping? Be unavailable as a little experiment? It sounds very tiring for you.

But for those asking if I’d said anything, yes, I did. Before I posted on MN! I pointed out exactly what was in my OP - he has done this before, he has had the comms, he has talked to DD. It’s not up to me to explain it to him.

And what was his response?

What “wouldn’t be done” if you had not told his what to do (which was ?)

Except we had an odd logistics issue over here to do with his DS’ return from school and no keys and frail MIL wanting to attend … hence the need for a discussion.

So… sounds like a discussion was warranted

Go on your own. Job done.

I never told DH about school events as I just didn't have the patience to go through what he would need to do.

So it was explaining to him “how the event worked”

I mean seriously - does the man suffer from a low IQ? Serious question

This made me laugh. My dh is just like this and infuriates me. He also asks the same thing over and over. Its like he can’t be bothered to process it the first time as he can just keep asking me.

In terms of what happens if if I didn’t do it: excellent question.And I suspect like with all issues to do with the mental load, the answer is that it would not be done. But the people who are affected are NOT the person not doing it - it’s the DC or me who are impacted. Which is why so often these things continue to land with women

This is a huge part of the problem, and is a big reason why women end up doing so much of this stuff. It's also why "Well, just STOP DOING IT FOR HIM THEN" isn't always a solution to this problem...

My son is being assessed for adhd and it 100% comes from my side of the family and I see it in me, but I am still expected to
be the one doing the thinking. Which is why I am so severe on it now, it takes a lot of my headspace and I too have a busy full time job, which suffers when I’ve used up my organising mojo on our home life. Dh by contrast is actually really good at getting shit done, it just won’t necessarily happen unless he’s told .

So this. Easy to step away and not bare the load if it only effects him, its another matter when it impacts you and especially when it impacts the children. Then even more if like my stbxh they balme their partner for it and tell the kids that would have gone (bullshit) if they'd been reminded of it.