Page 2 | It's not the mental load in itself, it's the bits that go with it

MsMarch · 2023-06-28T13:25:41+00:00

I have come to realise recently that we tend to talk about the mental load as being the organising and planning and thinking and noticing and it absolutely is all of that. But the bit that I'm finding the most frustrating is the need to accommodate and bring Dh along. To think about what he's doing and how to fit that into whatever I'm thinking about and then, and this is the most annoying part, to COMMUNICATE. Case in point - every year DD's school has a day in summer where parents are invited to come after school and look at the classrooms etc. Any children who have been part of performance clubs over the year get a chance to do their performance, often for parents/grandparents who weren't able to attend the original due to numbers or whatever. DH has done this event at least 6 times. He gets all the same communication from the school that I do. He has the same conversations with DD and her performance that I do. He does school run 7 out of the 10 runs we do a week. And yet, I've just had to talk him through what is needed, what he will have to do, the timing etc. I just want to scream.

bussteward · 29/06/2023 07:08

Re ADHD, check also if he’s actually expecting answers or like DP, who has ADHD, using his brain out loud. For instance he’s just come in and said to me, “Where’s my water bottle? The orange one? I think it’s in the bedroom but I’m not sure. Oh, nothing on the meal plan tonight because it’s Thursday… should I pick something up on my way home?” On and on. When I glared, because I’ve done a lot of work on NOT PUTTING THIS ON ME, he clarified: “I’m just thinking out loud.” Me: mmm, but at me. Him: I’m not expecting you to answer, though, I’m just processing thoughts. It’s upstairs! The water bottle. Me: process your thoughts in your head?

ohdamnitjanet · 29/06/2023 08:16

@Coffeepott this is the best thing I’ve ever read on here 😆

YukoandHiro · 29/06/2023 08:18

That is the mental load - the thinking about the event. He's giving himself permission to do no thinking because he knows you'll do it for him and make sure he knows.
I haven't got any tips, but yes it's fucking infuriating.

YukoandHiro · 29/06/2023 08:20

"But the people who are affected are NOT the person not doing it - it’s the DC or me who are impacted. Which is why so often these things continue to land with women."

Totally agree OP!

One of the reasons women "continue to do it" - as other posters decry - is because they want to protect their children from the impact of the ball being dropped. Which is totally understandable.

Mugaloaf · 29/06/2023 08:32

Coffeepott · 28/06/2023 15:57

He used to do this. Luckily I knocked it on the head before DD was born or it would be driving me crazy with all the emails from nursery - I can imagine your pain. I cured it by reference to "my magic uterus"

What time is event? (He's standing next to noticeboard with invite on)
Dunno, let me check with my magic uterus
What should I wear?
Ah too bad you don't have a magic uterus, then you'd know the dress code
Where are my car keys?
(Strides into the room, waves pelvis around) I'm looking for them now! Come on uterus! Find those keys!

Felt like I was being mean but then I realised every time he asked me about some pointless shit he should already know he was saying "I'm too important to bother about this. Let's dump it all on little mummy wifey coffeepott". Other lines used in anger may have been "ask your fucking house elf, not me"

I am helpful in genuine emergencies, honest 😅

😂😂😂 love this

SwordToFlamethrower · 29/06/2023 08:56

headcheffer · 28/06/2023 14:49

Why have you though? Say look at the letter, we got it via email. What time does it start? You'd better check the letter. What does DD need to bring? That'll be on the letter too. He will soon catch you drift. My DH does this without cooking this - how long do I cook this for? It'll be on the packet. What temperature? It'll be on the packet.

I made scones yesterday and dh was I the kitchen so I asked him to take then out for me when the oven alarm went off.
He brought the burning hot tray into the lounge, mm away from my bare skin to ask me if I thought they looked done!!! I was sat with the baby at the time!

I ripped him a new arsehole. He does this often! I shouted "use your own fucking senses to check if they look done! Do not bring it in here to me to do your work for you!"

His mum was a helicopter parent and belittled everything he ever did because it was always wrong if it wasn't exactly the way she wanted it... but we have been together for nearly 10 years and I am still trying to get him to do things for himself with having to check with me first!

Lesssugarketchup · 29/06/2023 09:00

SwordToFlamethrower · 29/06/2023 08:56

I made scones yesterday and dh was I the kitchen so I asked him to take then out for me when the oven alarm went off.
He brought the burning hot tray into the lounge, mm away from my bare skin to ask me if I thought they looked done!!! I was sat with the baby at the time!

I ripped him a new arsehole. He does this often! I shouted "use your own fucking senses to check if they look done! Do not bring it in here to me to do your work for you!"

His mum was a helicopter parent and belittled everything he ever did because it was always wrong if it wasn't exactly the way she wanted it... but we have been together for nearly 10 years and I am still trying to get him to do things for himself with having to check with me first!

Show quote history

Did he take them out the oven when the alarm went off

then see that perhaps they didn’t look done BUT given he’s not a scone maker, wasn’t sure.

He knew you were in the other room breastfeeding and so rather than call you, he brought the tray to you.

What he did not want to do is follow your instruction of taking them out when the alarm went off but THEN be blamed if you later saw them and they weren’t done?!

SwordToFlamethrower · 29/06/2023 09:00

bussteward · 29/06/2023 07:08

Re ADHD, check also if he’s actually expecting answers or like DP, who has ADHD, using his brain out loud. For instance he’s just come in and said to me, “Where’s my water bottle? The orange one? I think it’s in the bedroom but I’m not sure. Oh, nothing on the meal plan tonight because it’s Thursday… should I pick something up on my way home?” On and on. When I glared, because I’ve done a lot of work on NOT PUTTING THIS ON ME, he clarified: “I’m just thinking out loud.” Me: mmm, but at me. Him: I’m not expecting you to answer, though, I’m just processing thoughts. It’s upstairs! The water bottle. Me: process your thoughts in your head?

Do these precious prince's among men actually have jobs? Do they behave like this at work?

Lesssugarketchup · 29/06/2023 09:01

His mum was a helicopter parent and belittled everything he ever did because it was always wrong if it wasn't exactly the way she wanted it.

and his wife

I ripped him a new arsehole. He does this often! I shouted "use your own fucking senses to check if they look done! Do not bring it in here to me to do your work for you!"

poor guy. You made the scones. You asked him to take them out. He just wanted to make sure that they were done. Unbelievable

EL8888 · 29/06/2023 09:14

bussteward · 28/06/2023 14:51

I hear you, OP. The only way it will change though is if you change it: when he asks questions or professes, you can:

Shrug
”Dunno.”
”I think that’s in the email but I don’t know.”
”Isn’t that info in the email you received?”
”What do you think?”

It doesn’t matter if you know the answer, you’re not his Google. You’re not his PA. You’re not the office manager. If he fails to remember PE kit/forgets cash for the entry fee for the child’s thing/is late to the thing/whatever it is, let it impact him. I’ll guess you want your child not to be let down and impacted, so you rescue DH a lot to ensure that doesn’t happen, but that perpetuates the cycle. Let DH let them down, and let him sit with that feeling. Don’t enable him.

This. All this. Don’t feed into his bullshit. These are the responses l give my husband when he starts. He may find it annoying but he then does some thing. We now have 3 month old twins so l wouldn’t have the bandwidth at the moment anyway

He may have issues with executive functioning but so do l -we both have dyspraxia. It’s no excuse and he needs to find coping strategies

bussteward · 29/06/2023 09:24

Lesssugarketchup · 29/06/2023 09:01

His mum was a helicopter parent and belittled everything he ever did because it was always wrong if it wasn't exactly the way she wanted it.

and his wife

I ripped him a new arsehole. He does this often! I shouted "use your own fucking senses to check if they look done! Do not bring it in here to me to do your work for you!"

poor guy. You made the scones. You asked him to take them out. He just wanted to make sure that they were done. Unbelievable

He’s an adult human who has, presumably, seen a scone before.

MagicBullet · 29/06/2023 09:52

Lesssugarketchup · 28/06/2023 18:27

Except we had an odd logistics issue over here to do with his DS’ return from school and no keys and frail MIL wanting to attend … hence the need for a discussion.

So… sounds like a discussion was warranted

Instigated by HIM, seeing it was about him, his mum going to an event involving his dc….

Why should it automatically be the OP’s responsibility to think about it, organise and EXPLAIN how the event is working??

Original poster

MsMarch · 29/06/2023 10:52

He was a bit off most of yesterday but didn't say anything in response to my point. And now is fine. Having been with him for 20 years I know that what this means is that a) he's a bit annoyed that I was snippy with him but b) doesn't feel he can say anything because actually, he knows he was in the wrong and c) he will be better in future on this issue.

Also, d), once he is better, he will completely forget that he was ever not good at it. :)

Also, he was away on the weekend and has come back to a bit of a hectic work week so I think he was shattered. He's also got a better night's sleep and now his brain is back on track!

Although I'm still sort of hoping he asks me some ridiculous question soon so that I can shake my "magic uterus" around a bit!

OP posts:

Lesssugarketchup · 29/06/2023 10:58

bussteward · 29/06/2023 09:24

He’s an adult human who has, presumably, seen a scone before.

Show quote history

Yes but if he feels that he generally get things wrong - he’s going to want to make sure to avoid the wrath of the OP

Lesssugarketchup · 29/06/2023 11:00

MagicBullet · 29/06/2023 09:52

Instigated by HIM, seeing it was about him, his mum going to an event involving his dc….

Why should it automatically be the OP’s responsibility to think about it, organise and EXPLAIN how the event is working??

Show quote history

If she has to explain how the event, that he has attended multiple times, “is working” - then this is a man with a seriously low IQ

however it sounded like it was a logistical discussion

OMalleytheAlleyyCat · 30/06/2023 09:52

The exhausting part is definitely the communication.

I tell my husband "can you do this and then that" and he wants to know "Why can't I do that then this? Why does it have to be done in the order you've specified?"

Now I can't be arsed to talk him through "well you can't to that before this because the thing is there so it's in the way so you'd need to move it before yada yada yada"

I just say "oh just do as you're told".

So he thinks I'm an ocd freak with weird rules that don't make sense and I'm honestly fine with that, I cannot be arsed.

Original poster

MsMarch · 30/06/2023 10:10

OMalleytheAlleyyCat · 30/06/2023 09:52

The exhausting part is definitely the communication.

I tell my husband "can you do this and then that" and he wants to know "Why can't I do that then this? Why does it have to be done in the order you've specified?"

Now I can't be arsed to talk him through "well you can't to that before this because the thing is there so it's in the way so you'd need to move it before yada yada yada"

I just say "oh just do as you're told".

So he thinks I'm an ocd freak with weird rules that don't make sense and I'm honestly fine with that, I cannot be arsed.

Oh, yes, I understand this. So you're doing all the thinking and organising but then you have to almost justify your decision making, even though he didn't want to be part of that in the first place!?

OP posts:

WeWereInParis · 30/06/2023 10:32

OMalleytheAlleyyCat · 30/06/2023 09:52

The exhausting part is definitely the communication.

I tell my husband "can you do this and then that" and he wants to know "Why can't I do that then this? Why does it have to be done in the order you've specified?"

Now I can't be arsed to talk him through "well you can't to that before this because the thing is there so it's in the way so you'd need to move it before yada yada yada"

I just say "oh just do as you're told".

So he thinks I'm an ocd freak with weird rules that don't make sense and I'm honestly fine with that, I cannot be arsed.

I'd just tell him to do it in whatever order he wanted, and let him figure it out for himself why his way isn't as easy/simple/quick.