whycantIthinkofadecentusername ·
28/06/2023 14:16
Not sure why I'm posting, I suppose to get this off my chest and order my thoughts.
This might be long to avoid the classic drip feeding.
Four years ago DP (as he was then) lost both his best friend and sister to cancer. Obviously I was there to support him. Held his hand all the way through, was his literal shoulder to cry on. Helped organise his sisters funeral, did all the running around etc. never once questioned that. Six months before I lost my grandad, the man who raised me.
Anyways fast forward to 2020 and he gained a promotion at work, then obviously covid hit. My work increased, his furloughed all team except him. Fine. During this time I noticed him going downhill in terms of mental health. Over the next three years he got worse, withdrew from the family, was glued to his phone, snapped all the time, and said some truly nasty things to me. I begged him to go to the doctors, counselling, asked what more I could do to support etc. each time I had my head ripped off.
It all came to a head on our 15th anniversary 2023. We went out for the first time in three years. He made a huge deal about how he arranged something, dress up nice, etc etc. So we end up at the local harvester, not a problem but not quite the hyped up experience, where he proceeds to sit glued to his phone answering work emails. I tried to make conversation several times and was ignored. For context I work a job where I am on-call one week in every seven. I made special arrangements to not be that night at his request.
After an hour of being ignored, of which I had been to the bar three times and had comments made to me by others about being ignored and cried in the toilets for 10 minutes. I cancelled my food order, grabbed me jacket and walked the five miles home. It was another hour before he noticed I had left.
That night he confesses he was depressed and wishes he wouldn't wake up in the morning and that it was my fault for forcing him to take the promotion. The only conversation we had was me saying I think you can do it, and would be good at it, but it's your choice. I give him the ultimatum go to the doctors and get the professional help you need or I will take DS out the house until he does.
He goes to the doctor is diagnosed with depression and anxiety and given medication and counselling. He initially refused and I reminded him that I am not prepared to have DS around this anymore as it was affecting him and that I don't deserve the horrible things that were being thrown at me. In particular he said he resented me for DS being born and the life we had built as it wasn't what he wanted. And that MIL will always be the priority to him.
He engaged with the treatment for two months, then in December of 2023 declared himself healed and refused to take any more tablets or go to counselling.
Early December saw a major incident in my area. I worked 48 hours straight dealing with a large evacuation. Came home to him arguing about me being at work, he was left with DS, I always put work above my family, I'm a bitch for doing this to him, his mom needed him and he was stuck with DS. I told him that night I wanted space from him as I work through what happened and that we are in serious trouble.
For the last six months he has not once respected my ask for space. Has continued the verbal bashing with gems such as DS is better off without you, I'm sick of no physical relationship, why aren't you just over it, you can't punish me for being ill, you trapped me into DS, and I don't wish he wasn't here. I'm not punishing him for being ill but I can hold him to account for the vile things.
I saw a counsellor to help deal with it and he made it so uncomfortable every time I came back creating arguments because he was worried what she would think of him, that I actually stopped.
This week I accepted a new job offer for a Director position, following consultation with him where he agreed I should go for it. Every since, when I mention things like the neighbours having a loud drive party at 11pm at night being annoying, or I want to switch my 10 year old car to something a bit newer, he says I'm being snobby and because of this new job I think I'm too good for everything.
The usual comments of he then resents me for DS and out life, I'm punishing him for being ill, and he should just throw me on the end and have his way with me to show me what I'm missing because he is sick of no sex.
Sorry for the essay, I don't want to drop feed. I've been miserable for years, given him chance after chance. Do I leave? Or do I just put it down to his depression and wait for it to get better?
Are these red flags?