Do I leave him?

[whycantIthinkofadecentusername]

Not sure why I'm posting, I suppose to get this off my chest and order my thoughts.

This might be long to avoid the classic drip feeding.

Four years ago DP (as he was then) lost both his best friend and sister to cancer. Obviously I was there to support him. Held his hand all the way through, was his literal shoulder to cry on. Helped organise his sisters funeral, did all the running around etc. never once questioned that. Six months before I lost my grandad, the man who raised me.

Anyways fast forward to 2020 and he gained a promotion at work, then obviously covid hit. My work increased, his furloughed all team except him. Fine. During this time I noticed him going downhill in terms of mental health. Over the next three years he got worse, withdrew from the family, was glued to his phone, snapped all the time, and said some truly nasty things to me. I begged him to go to the doctors, counselling, asked what more I could do to support etc. each time I had my head ripped off.

It all came to a head on our 15th anniversary 2023. We went out for the first time in three years. He made a huge deal about how he arranged something, dress up nice, etc etc. So we end up at the local harvester, not a problem but not quite the hyped up experience, where he proceeds to sit glued to his phone answering work emails. I tried to make conversation several times and was ignored. For context I work a job where I am on-call one week in every seven. I made special arrangements to not be that night at his request.

After an hour of being ignored, of which I had been to the bar three times and had comments made to me by others about being ignored and cried in the toilets for 10 minutes. I cancelled my food order, grabbed me jacket and walked the five miles home. It was another hour before he noticed I had left.

That night he confesses he was depressed and wishes he wouldn't wake up in the morning and that it was my fault for forcing him to take the promotion. The only conversation we had was me saying I think you can do it, and would be good at it, but it's your choice. I give him the ultimatum go to the doctors and get the professional help you need or I will take DS out the house until he does.

He goes to the doctor is diagnosed with depression and anxiety and given medication and counselling. He initially refused and I reminded him that I am not prepared to have DS around this anymore as it was affecting him and that I don't deserve the horrible things that were being thrown at me. In particular he said he resented me for DS being born and the life we had built as it wasn't what he wanted. And that MIL will always be the priority to him.

He engaged with the treatment for two months, then in December of 2023 declared himself healed and refused to take any more tablets or go to counselling.

Early December saw a major incident in my area. I worked 48 hours straight dealing with a large evacuation. Came home to him arguing about me being at work, he was left with DS, I always put work above my family, I'm a bitch for doing this to him, his mom needed him and he was stuck with DS. I told him that night I wanted space from him as I work through what happened and that we are in serious trouble.

For the last six months he has not once respected my ask for space. Has continued the verbal bashing with gems such as DS is better off without you, I'm sick of no physical relationship, why aren't you just over it, you can't punish me for being ill, you trapped me into DS, and I don't wish he wasn't here. I'm not punishing him for being ill but I can hold him to account for the vile things.

I saw a counsellor to help deal with it and he made it so uncomfortable every time I came back creating arguments because he was worried what she would think of him, that I actually stopped.

This week I accepted a new job offer for a Director position, following consultation with him where he agreed I should go for it. Every since, when I mention things like the neighbours having a loud drive party at 11pm at night being annoying, or I want to switch my 10 year old car to something a bit newer, he says I'm being snobby and because of this new job I think I'm too good for everything.

The usual comments of he then resents me for DS and out life, I'm punishing him for being ill, and he should just throw me on the end and have his way with me to show me what I'm missing because he is sick of no sex.

Sorry for the essay, I don't want to drop feed. I've been miserable for years, given him chance after chance. Do I leave? Or do I just put it down to his depression and wait for it to get better?

Are these red flags?

I’m going to jump in and let you know how proud I am of you for taking the first (and hardest) step by talking to your friend. You are saving yourself and saving your child from living like that. I very much doubt this man will go quietly, so the fact that this friend is a man is especially great. You are very smart not saying anything until you have all the important paperwork off site. (Get all the banking info, etc…) Make sure DS’s school/nursery know what’s going on as soon as you make a move. They could be very valuable assets.

OP my heart goes out to you, you’ve had 15 long years of life with this man, who now seems to hold you responsible for everything “wrong” in his life.
You’ve gone above and beyond for him, and his treatment of you is beyond vile.
I can only echo what others have said, plan your escape and fly free with your DS. Please don’t look back, we can live our life in misery for to long because that’s what we have become accustomed to. I was there myself, constantly overcompensating and minimising the fact whatever I did to make things “better” I would still be bashed for it.
For me I had one flash of reality one evening, and I clung to it, and left.
This flash of reality was this.
I actually asked him if it was alright if I made a cup of tea… I got to the kitchen and while the kettle was boiling I thought “I just asked for permission to make tea in my own house?!” When I think back I realise how downtrodden I must have been.
Don’t waste another day OP, get your essential things together and face the future with your DS, you’re going to do great.

Not sure if I should update but I'm going to, to keep reminding myself why.

I've just ended it with him. We ended up in yet argument because I worked today and said I wanted to spend some 1:1 time with DS tomorrow.

He twisted it all to be about how I never want to spend time with him. Has tried guilt tripping me with with numerous things including I didn't try to save us, it's because of my upbringing that were very different people and I need to learn to not be so stuck up. That he has been betrayed because he trusted me to always be there.

I feel guilty. But not sad. And that's how I know this is right.

Glad you've got a plan in place and you know it's right to end it. Definitely still speak to women's aid, the advice and support they gave me was invaluable.
Stay strong op

Op

I think you have lost sight of what a normal relationship is. This man is highly dysfunctional and he is demonstrating this to your son.

He is emotionally abusive and is relying on bullying you into submission.

The things he is saying to you are absolutely vile and it’s very telling that he claims his mother is no 1 (god help her) but I wonder is she the nasty abusive parent? Or was it his father?

Please stay strong,

I hope you are now safe in the holiday let. What a kind friend you have. Don’t keep any more secrets tell everyone what has been going on.

I would report the threat of rape to the police. I would not allow your son to see his dad until he accessed mental health support services again. if he resides to I’d contact school and social services myself and explain the threat of rape, he comments about his son and the lack of taking his prescribed medication. What is their relationship like?

your husband is abusive verbally, emotionally and is trying to control and gaslight you.

I hope tomorrow is now the start of a new and happier life for you and your son

Get out before he harms you and your son. Seriously

Vile and abusive.

You have endured years of this.

You poor woman.

Well done for for planning on getting out.

Don't hesitate.

Get your son away from this nasty vicious man.

Your son and you deserve peace away from him.

Get away asap.

Commented before reading your updates! Glad you have ended it with him and might be no harm to have your friend help you move stuff so you're not alone with him.
Your son will thank you for it in years to come.
Best of luck ,you sound incredibly resilient and strong 🙌

I'm so pleased I kept reading and see you've already done anything I would have suggested. I hope you are out of the house and sleep easy knowing you've made the first step to a better life for you and your DC.

So he left the house last night to stay at his moms after a rather lengthy argument. I can say I was incredibly calm with him. No shouting, swearing or name calling etc. I can't say he was the same.

I told him I wasn't prepared to talk about anything until he decided to act like a grown up and we work through things civilly. Until then he needs to stay somewhere else.

This morning I have been bombarded by texts trying to justify why he is angry at me, he can't see a future without me. It's classic manipulation and I'm not falling for it. Im now frustrated at myself for not seeing what I should have a long time ago, especially when I've supported one of my team through something similar.

I can honestly say I woke up this morning feeling better than I have in a long time. DS and I are at a monster truck show today so he can have some down time and some fun.

Thanks everyone for the comments, kindness and tough love.

You and your child have been abused for years.

He will not like his victim waking up.

Expect threats of self harm.

Call the police and report him for a welfare check.

Your son so deserves a better life than the one he has had.

Stay strong.

So proud of you 👏🏻 well done your life will be happier oh you’ll have hard times but you won’t have this abuse anymore. Hugs.

You should be really proud of yourself for ending it. Please, please stick to it.

It is absolutely chilling that he essentially threatened to rape you into submission. Jesus Christ.

He's a nasty piece of work.

Wishing you all the best and do not let him manipulate you. You've made your decision. It's the right one for you and your child.

What an awful man.

Op

be very careful - this man is now going to feel very afraid that you have woken up to his nasty ways - he is going to be very very nice to you

he is going to try and say whatever it takes to convince you that he is a good man and father, that he loves you, that he has made a mistake

please do not fall for this - most women do, they’re desperate for the kind man they thought they had married to return

remember if you get back with him he is going to be very angry about what you have done - he will suppress that anger until he feels you are in a position to be exposed to it again!

when someone shows you who they are you have to listen

this man has showed you who he is - don’t look past that - you deserve so much more

you will not be able to be his psychiatrist or mental health nurse

he is dysfunctional and will remain that way

stay out of his firing line

Ok Mumsnet do your thing!

I should apologise for keep coming here. Every time I feel bad or guilty I end up coming back here to read my original post and all your comments to remind me why I ended it.

He's been trying to guilt trip and emotionally manipulate me for the last few days. Saying things like I'll never believe in forever again, when you commit to someone you don't leave, and that I was taking his family and his dog away from him.

It all came to a head last night again, he found the spare house keys out to give DS one. He then asked if I wanted to give my DF one. I said no, he won't need one. He asked why and started saying now what have I done wrong with the keys. I replied I told you our situation, I've told you you can keep the house and I will start again (one of our big issues are that I hate the area we live in and it's proximity to his DM. I'd like to move further out into the countryside where you get more for less money and is only a 40/50 minute drive away). He then stated Because I have been civil to him the past few days, he had got his hopes up that I had changed my mind.

I replied I'm sorry if something I have done has given you that impression, so let me be clear. I do not regret my decision, I do not feel bad about it and I will continue to be civil with you as we need to co-parent for DS.

Well this made it all worse. After a four hour lecture about what we can do to fix it. Where we went wrong. What we should have done differently over the last six months to save it. Then asked me what I had done to save us.

I listed everything I had done. Including agreeing to stay last September to work on us. Seeing a counsellor. Asking him for space and making my boundaries clear, which he continuously violated and disrespected, I swung the question round and asked him what he had done? He couldn't answer.

So with that I went to bed and left him to it. I've woken up this morning feeling incredibly guilty about how I have made him feel. I'm sure part of the process. So mumsnetters, give me the swift kick I deserve!

@whycantIthinkofadecentusername completely normal, he's gaslighting you and that's exactly how it works. Working his way into your subconscious and making you feel maybe you are wrong? But you're not, reread your original post and you know you've done the right thing.

Hopefully he'll be somewhat civil to co parent but I wouldn't bank on it. You need to be strong for your son, so he can look at you and see exactly how a parent should act.

Sending you all the support and love in the world! You got this

It’s sounds like you’re handling yourself brilliantly OP.

You probably feel guilty because you’ve been programmed into automatically meeting his needs to the detriment of your own.

Just notice that you feel guilty, tell yourself that you’re doing the right thing for yourself
and your DS and you don’t need to feel guilty.

It will take a little while for your subconscious/ emotional brain to catch up with the fact that you’re prioritising your own needs and wants above his now.

Of course you feel guilty.

You have conditioned yourself for years to accept the most terrible behaviour and have grown used to it.

Finally you have found the strength to realise your son's abuse is not acceptable, neither is yours.

Of course this awful man doesn't want to lose his victim.

Stay strong and get the hell away from him.

Your poor child deserves so much better during his childhood.

This relationship is over.

He is just trying to bully you further.

You can do this.

Keep posting if it helps.

We are here for you.

Years of emotional abuse and gaslighting makes you doubt everything, it can take years to unpick it all.
You are doing the right thing!
Whenever you doubt yourself mumsnet is here for you. I wish I had mumsnet behind me to see what was happening to me when I was in a similar situation.

You've done absolutely the right thing. It makes me laugh actually that he's complaining, about having no sex when there isn't a woman in their right mind who would want to sleep with someone who treated them like that.

I think the best thing is for you to get out as fast as you can.

One thing you should anticipate is his threats of suicide. They will come pretty quickly, but will come to nothing.

Please stop apologising for coming back to the thread @whycantIthinkofadecentusername

I’m so glad to see you will soon be free of this man and have a happier future without him.

Every time he starts on at you just imagine him doing a baby voice ‘wahhh wahhh wahhh it’s all about meeeeeee, poor meeeee’ and rubbing his eyes like he’s bawling. I had to imagine my ex doing silly things like that to
get through the conversations and tirades and remember why I was doing this.

this man has done nothing to improve things, or make things easier, or happier for his family and deserves none of your sympathy or guilt.

Quite frankly he should just move back home with mummy dearest

I am so so sorry you find yourself in this awful position, it can't be easy to think you should walk away with your child, I can imagine after all the time you've spent with Ur partner you the thought of leaving must be terrifying.
His behaviour is really just so awful, truly! You should walk away, get yourself space prioritize your child and you for some time. Allow him time to comprehend life without you and work on himself. I hope you and your son are happy and safe soon

Its not easy leaving and starting again but it is definitely worth it,good luck xx

You haven't "made him feel" anything. How he feels is totally his responsibility not yours.
Well done for staying calm and telling him how it is.